Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

@pleasecomment Absolutely feel free to rant here. I wish I had had a forum like this when I was going through the nightmare of my Dh's alcoholism. I was SO bloody angry with him and couldn't tell anyone but him, and that never helped at all! You're right not to engage with your brother's texts. Alcoholics will do and say anything to justify continuing to drink, so horrible as it is to hear, don't take anything he says to heart. When my Dh died I was sSO furious with him, for having it all and throwing it away, that I felt like kicking his coffin. But he died so young and has missed out on so much. He just wasn't strong enough to fight his addiction.

@pleasecomment I think you're bloody amazing for having built a healthy, safe life for your own family.

Honestly think I'd be doing worse without this thread. Lifts me up to see others choosing and creating good, loving lives despite all the bad.

@notrose6 I'm so sorry about your brother. I hope you're finding some comfort or validation being here.

Hi everyone, I haven't posted on here for a while but I do read the thread and I appreciate it being here.

I recently seperated and started the divorce process from my DH for a number of reasons but one of them was his issue with alcohol. He never seemed "drunk" and out of control, but there was drinking to excess and also hiding it.

I've now moved out and am living in a different house and he has stayed in the family home. I hope to create a different environment for the kids who are with me half the time.

I realised the other day that I no longer have to deal with the smell from the drinking- it seemed to permeate the room. I also no longer look for bottles and count the empties in the bin.

However, I have to deal with the fact that the kids are with him half the time and he is definitely drinking around them. My eldest knows a little about the drinking and has told me that he drinks most nights. I want to get her some extra support but I don't think my exH would be very happy about that because I think he's still in denial.

The last time I mentioned his drinking and lying was a few months ago and he got very shouty with me.

I think I have a long way to go and I still honestly wonder if I should have tried harder to help him.

@StosbyNillsAndCash I am so sorry you are finding it tough. It's hard when the DC are little and the ex has rights. All you can do is keep an eye out and step in if he escalates to not being safe to be around.

But do take time to enjoy the peace and the lack of smell in your new place (and yes, I know exactly what you mean). Ultimately, they used to be around him and his drinking 100% of the time. Now it's less.

@pointythings thank you. In some ways it's tough but also better in lots of ways, more peaceful.

It's funny but I hadn't even thought about the fact that they are now away from his drinking half the time now. I wouldn't want to take them away from him, they love spending time with him and have a great relationship. It's a weird cocktail.of feelings.

Oh gosh, I am so sorry. Difficulties controlling spending does seem to often go with alcoholism in my limited experience. Sadly. And of course everyone else gets left to pick up the pieces 😰

I hear you @StosbyNillsAndCash When my friend relapses I can smell it from the front door. And he’s at the other end of the house.

@StosbyNillsAndCash please do get support for your eldest. This situation will be very tough for her and talking about it to a counsellor may well help. And I certainly wouldn't ask permission from the person who is causing the problem. Just go ahead and do it and if he's unhappy, tough. One more of the joys of separation is you can just put the phone down now if he gets abusive.

Forgive the self indulgent post. If would have been our 10th Wedding Anniversary today. We were so happy that day. Now of course hindsight tells me even then alcohol and something darker was there. But the pictures I have in my mind of that day were pure joy.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 remembering the good times isn't self indulgent. It's part of the grieving process. It's acknowledging that the addict you lost was not always like that, and that you didn't somehow miss something glaringly obvious that was 'wrong' with him. It's accepting that you married one person - a good, kind, loving partner - and that life happened and that person changed. The man you left was an abusive one who was addigted to alcohol. The man you married was not that person. Both those things are true.

It’s really not self indulgent - it’s incredibly bittersweet.

I am remembering better times too and it's incredibly painful. I think I preferred the anger.

@notrose6 it is all such a complicated mess of feelings. I hope you are feeling better today. I came home to a beautiful bunch of flowers sent from friends which raised my spirits.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 that is a great description. I am glad you have such great support. Some of my friends have been wonderful too. It is really touching and definitely helps.

How is everyone today? Fortunately I have been very preoccupied with my parents, so have been able to focus on the living for the last few days. I have the funeral on Friday, which will be a relief to get out of the way, and then I think I can start processing.
🌱

I hope you don't mind me joining this thread. I'm trying to support a close friend who is separating from her alcoholic partner.

They have some equity in the family house, but how on earth does she actually go about getting him out, if it can be sold? He's not really functioning at all. He's not capable of making a financial decision about purchase, or even going to look at rentals (and honestly he wouldn't be a good prospect as a tenant), and he's lost his job.

I've known them both for years and it's desperately sad, but I'm trying to keep my practical head on.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Userccjlnhibibljn8, of your DH and your hopes.* *

@KeyBored it really depends on whose name is on the house and whether or not they're married - your friend will need to seek legal advice. It's very difficult when one party is incapable and/or unwilling in terms of making a decision. But well done on her for stepping away from the relationship, it's never an easy thing to do.

@pleasecomment you are walking a difficult balance between protecting yourself and taking an action that might make your worries worse, so I would suggest you block your brother so that he can no longer call you when he wants to. Tell him that your phone will only be unblocked during a set period of time each day, and that you will speak to him during this time on condition that he is sober. You say yourself that he can't have a conversation when he is drunk, so you should not have to engage in the attempt. Doing this won't make him not drink, but it means you have given him an opportunity - and the rest of the day, when your phone rings it won't be him. Give it a try.

@pleasecomment you're trying to keep him safe and you can't. If he chooses at any point to do anything stupid, it will NOT be your responsibility or in any way your fault. As @pointythings says block his calls for most of the day and give him a window to call. If he is drunk when he calls, put the phone down. Nothing you do will change anything for him, but you can and should take care of your own mental health.

@KeyBored As above it depends on so much, but a lawyer is the first step. I think Woman’s Aid might offer some advice on resources.
@pleasecomment it’s so hard, but the advice above is good. I know you would be wracked with guilt if anything happened, but you not answering a text today or tomorrow would not be why it happened and it is not your fault. You have (to coin a phrase) put your life jacket on first. I have been there, it took me a long time to realise that my love and care could not get through to him and was not helping him.