Continuing support group for those affected by someone else's drinking

[pointythings]

Our current thread is nearly full, and it's too valuable to lose in the mists of time, so this is thread 2. Come here if you are struggling with a loved one's drinking - partner, parent, child, friend, there's support for you here no matter which person in your life is struggling with the drink and having an adverse impact on you. The women on here have all been there or are still going through it. We support and advise each other, we don't judge, we listen.

Original thread here to refer back to: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 I’m so, so sorry. What a shock you’ve just experienced. Have you got someone with you? Sending a big handhold.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 my dear. I am so very sorry. It’s horrible. I know @pointythings had a similar experience . I know you may not believe me, but this is not your fault. 💐💐💐💐

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 I'm so, so sorry. Do you have someone with you IRL?

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 sending love to you. I know in previous posts you said you had good friends supporting you.,Hope they are with you now.So sorry for your loss

Just stumbled across this thread by chance, but it seems fortuitous. Husband has what has gradually evolved into a serious drink problem. I am late-diagnosed autistic, very conflict-avoidant, and completely unable to confront him over any of it. I support us and our two children completely financially, do pretty much all the housework, and watch while he drinks constantly. It's been years since he contributed anything meaningful to our bills or mortgage, but he can drink 6 nights a week, mostly in pubs. I suspect he's in horrific debt, tbh. I more or less gave up drinking a couple of years back when I realised I was on the brink of a significant drinking problem myself. I don't know what to do.

Thank you for creating a space where I can say all that x

Welcome @Seaside1234 . I’m glad you have found us . We may be a bit distracted because of users news, but we are a safe place for you to tell your story.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 I'm so sorry. PM me if you wish.

I can hear that and totally understand, @Userccjlnhibibljn8 has my deepest sympathies. I just wanted to get it out for now to come back to. Thanks

Thank you everyone, your messages have helped me through a long night. I had friends staying for the weekend so am not alone in person x

I am so sorry, @userccjlnhibibljn8. Even when you're separated it's still a horrible shock and a tangible end to what little hope you may have had.

It's also a point where you know you can find peace. If nothing else, he is at peace. You can get there too. Pm me if you need to, I have indeed been there.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 . Hope you are ok. Take care.

I’ve survived another sleepless night. I’ve spoken to so many people in the last day and a half. What is clear from the only 2 friends he has is that he was drinking long before I knew him. They say I kept him alive for 10 years more…..but at what cost to me. Emotionally, financially and practically. The overlying anxiety I have been feeling for the last god knows how long is gone. Previously anxiety about what he was going to do next, and in the last 9 months around the divorce, court cases and what he was going to do next. Now it is grief merging into anger and the fucking futility of his life.
I have my therapist booked…..(I can pay her rather than the lawyers!!!)

That's the spirit!

It takes time, but it does get better. One piece of advice: remember that everything you feel is OK. There's no way you 'should' feel. If your feelings include relief that he is gone and that you don't have to fight a messy divorce, that is fine. The inclination to beat yourself up over your own feelings is probably the biggest thing you're going to face.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 if you feel relief, it's so ok. My heart used to sink every time I called my dad, when I said 'Are you ok?' and he'd reply 'No, not really...'

Now that's ended, ahhh, I can't describe it. The absence of that hideous stress has given me the space and peace to understand what happened. It's truly healing. Clarity at last.

Thinking of you. All of your feelings are ok, and we've felt them all too. Pleased to hear you have lots of support.

Hello I hope it’s okay to post on here - my father in law is an alcoholic. This year he has been tearing my husband’s family apart - disengaged from family occasions and actively sabotaged some others, made some incredibly hurtful and selfish decisions that have left my husband and BIL feeling extremely hurt, unappreciated and dismissed. He is being a very poor husband to MIL.

It was always a bit of a running joke that he liked a drink but this year it has got out of hand and we have accepted he is an alcoholic. He didn’t even go and see BILs new house (first house with his gf - very exciting)because it would interfere with him having a drink. Drinks the second he comes in from work all night and drinks from midday at the weekends.

I’m so so so angry with him and the way he has treated my wonderful husband and BIL who have always been very caring sons. They have been reflecting on their childhood experiences and where he has let them down over the years. We have always been so close as a family and I worry about poor MIL - I don’t want to lose connection with her but struggling to be around him at the moment.

I'm sorry, @MakeItRain26 - that sounds really hard. Your husband's lucky to have your support, and it sounds like he and his brother have some understanding of what his choices have done to them. How's your MIL coping?

Thank you @Seaside1234 for your reply. DH and BIL both feel resigned to this being the way he is and are just trying to maintain connection with each other and their mum without causing conflict. Myself and BILs girlfriend feel very much that he needs to apologise for the specific things he has done this year that are hurtful and change his behaviour in order for us all to get back to normal but my husband thinks that is naive and we just have to crack on. I find it very hard to forgive someone who isn’t sorry though.

MIL is amazing - she has joined Al-Anon and has lovely friends and has essentially formed her own life and cracks on with things even when FIL doesn’t want to go and smiles and tries to have a nice time. I’m not sure what things are like behind closed doors. They are living just the two of them now for the first time since 1993 so I worry about that. She has moved into BILs old room I know that much.

@MakeItRain26 how sad for your MIL, do not underestimate the strength it takes to smile over the cracks and pretend that there is nothing wrong. If it is appropriate for you let her know that it is OK for her to be truthful to you.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 thank you - I feel for her deeply. We have opened up the channels of communication and all of us “children” have expressed how upset we are with him to her but it’s difficult because she is obviously his wife and as much as I feel defensive of my own DH, she probably feels the same for hers even when he is in the wrong

I understand, I know how hard it was for me to be honest with others about my husband, I really only opened up to a few people who could see what was happening. I did try to protect him a lot from our mutual friends and my family, as I held out hope for a long time that he would recover, and I didn't want their relationship with him to be impacted. I found out after everything escalated that most people were aware and worried for me.

@Userccjlnhibibljn8 so sorry to hear your news. As @pointythings says, all your feelings are valid. Relief was my main feeling, plus sadness, pity and rage. It sounds callous to say it aloud, but avoiding the massive cost implications of a divorce was definitely one of the reasons I felt relieved. Money he'd have spent on drink could be used for the mortgage instead.

@Seaside1234 confrontation won't help when he's permanently drunk. It might be worth going to see a solicitor and having a chat through your options as your marriage sounds dead in the water. His debts unfortunately may become your problem if you decide to divorce, so you might want to do a bit of digging and find out what's going on.

@MakeItRain26 there's a lot to unpack here. I think for your husband it would probably be a good idea if he also attended Al-Anon or a similar group (but bear in mind that Al-Anon tend to heavily push continuing relationships, so if your DH feels he needs distance, another organisation may be better for him). He needs to decide what he wants his own relationship with his parents to look like - it isn't for him to judge how his siblings manage that.

Your MIL sounds as if she has found a balance - but if that changes, all you and your DH can do is offer whatever support she needs.

Is it possible for your DH to see his mother without his father present? That might take the heat out of things whilst also making it clear to your father how he feels, but there may be fallout for his mother if they choose this path.

@MakeItRain26 Being a bit blunt here, but to be honest, you and BIl's girlfriend's insistence on apologies from FIL aren't helpful in this situation. You won't get an apology that is in any way meaningful. He's an alcoholic and at the moment his one concern is drink. He won't care about anyone else's feelings while he is drinking and it sounds as if he is never really sober. Also, while I understand why you're doing it, I don't think telling your MIL how upset/angry with him you are is particularly helpful either at this stages. She knows better than you do how badly he is behaving and it will be distressing her terribly, but she can't control or cure his drinking, can she, so what's she supposed to do with the information? It's great that she has joined Al Anon and shows she is not in denial that her husband has a problem. If you don't want to be around your FIL, and that's perfectly understandable, arrange to see your MIL outside the home. Keep supporting her, but sadly, don't expect anything from him.

@CharlotteByrde thank you for the feedback. We haven’t insisted on an apology so much as discussed as a group (DH, me BIL, gf) that this is what we feel but I understand what you are saying. I said to DH it’s just really hard to forgive someone who isn’t sorry. I think I need to read up more about the psychology of alcoholics because it’s all new to me and I am struggling to understand why drinking = being cruel (although appreciate reading through some of these threads for the first time today this is quite a common experience).