Day 1 or 100 tulips and snowdrops say #browniesnotbeer

[CoffeeLover90]

Didn't think I'd be worthy, being so new to these threads, but an amazingly brave woman managed to drive past a shop today and not give into cravings. And I was one of the people that were thanked. I'm humbled.
I may not post on here daily, life, child and pets demand attention but I hope people find what I have from this- encouragement, reassurance and no judgement.

It's been almost a year since I began drinking 3 to 7 days per week. In that time I've many failed attempts to stop or moderate.
I'm now on my longest dry spell since my first attempt. Day 21, with @AFmammaG beside me.
I have no plans for September. I'm in an hour by hour, day by day situation.
I will do Sober for October. Definitely. No doubt.

#browniesnotbeer came to mind when another poster mentioned they'd 'rage ate' a brownie rather than pour a drink. I've turned to food but balancing that with exercise and telling myself it will be easier to cut out chocolate. Although I could be lying to myself there...

www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/5066932-day-1-or-1000-all-welcome-on-the-tulips-and-snowdrops-thread?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Yup. That’s it. Thrown off the thread. Next you’ll say “50 shades of grey” is a romance novel!!!

Today I told my husband to please not drink all weekend. Last weekend he drank enough for the both of us and was not his best self. I’m really trying hard to be understanding and compassionate 🥴😑. Pray for me ladies.

😆 @CoffeeLover90 have I stepped back in time? Twilight. Now there’s a blast from the past.

I have a photo up of me & DS up in a frame. I hate it. I’m hungover. I look awful. But it was a special day for my youngest and I have that reminder there. I’ll replace it with a better one eventually but it’s useful for now. The colour of my face is grey. My wrinkles look deep. My eyes tired. The smile, almost fake.

It’s great to be able to see how different I look now. The contrast is stark.

Day 54 in the bag today and I’m an hour into a treadmill session. Oh how my Friday nights have changed. Do you know what? The shape of my legs is different. They look more defined. They feel harder. Less wobble.

@SadMama87 OK, OK, twilight is bad but 50 shades is a whole other level. I never made it through the first.
You've reminded me now of a blog I found years ago, I can never remember the writer. She was a feminist. Obsessed with the madeline mcann case
Anyway she wrote an alternative ending for 50 shades where he kills her. Now that was a good read.
Think of your DH as a fool and a bigger one than me.
@AFmammaG believe it or not, your DC will treasure that photo one day, please don't hide it away.
I don't have any weight difference but there's definitely less bloating.

I don't know what me go for twilight. Fancied a bit of cheese. I'm at the sparkling in the sun bit. I'm cringing.

@CoffeeLover90 I never saw the movie or read the books. Just between us, when they were becoming popular I was living in Italy, young and single, and experimenting with real BDSM 🫣. Oh the tales I could tell!!!!

He is a fool. My heart hurts for him, he had a hard upbringing and copes by numbing out. But he’s an adult and is responsible for his actions, as we all are. I am happy he didn’t drink last night, but I am anxious about this weekend. Don’t want it to be like the last.

@AFmammaG we are so hard on ourselves aren’t we? Our children may see the wrinkles and fluffy tummy (mine call it marshmallow belly), but mostly they just see someone who loves them and is there for them every day. We could have three heads and they’d adore us all the same.

Congratulations on 54 days!! That’s a huge deal. Good on you 👍🏼

@CoffeeLover90 but my teen girls even found the sparkly skin in Twilight cringey when they were younger.They still watch it together -picking it to pieces but actually loving it.
@SadMama87 my supportive husband opened the red wine at 9pm .I went to bed at 930pm after watching an 'Only Murders in the Building' -pretty sure he carried on drinking after his "just one with my pizza- I never said I wasn't going to drink at all" as he just woke me up sighing then glugging water.

Morning all up super early on my day off! Body like clock work 😆
but any how going to use it to my advantage and go to the gym for a run developed tennis elbow so that’s all I can do for awhile it bloody kills!! And I don’t play tennis 😂 but it feels amazing waking up on a Saturday hangover free whoop whoop!!
@CoffeeLover90 I never got into twilight was there a thing with vampire diaries my daughter told me to watch that but there was so much to catch up on it put me off. I like stranger things might actually re watch that!!
@SadMama87 i know what you mean my partner drinks it doesn’t trigger me but like last night we had a heated conversation because he wasn’t making any sense!! 😂 and I just said look I’ll speak to you later luckily for me we don’t live together yet!! Can imagine could be triggering if you had a lot of booze in the house.
well done @AFmammaG 55 days!! So happy for you 😊 the photos are everywhere I know have lots on my phone too not my best moments and brings up regret that I wasn’t fully present at some special occasions but we can make new memories I’m looking forward to my Christmas holiday lots of new pictures with my little family 😊 we live and we learn. 28 days 4 binge free weekends!! Will celebrate with chocolate later 🤦🏻‍♀️
have a great weekend everyone stay strong and enjoy the moment AF weekends are the best!!

@Chance21 I hope the elbow heals quick, I've heard it can be pretty bad.
I could never get into vampire diaries, there was too much going on, it was messy
Huge stranger things fan. I'm saving my 100th rewatch before the new series starts.

@Chance21 that's a lovely positive post to rewake up to.I am still feeling the effects of drinking on Tuesday!Possibly had some concussion but it really does take me the best part of a week to shake a hangover now.So not worth it.28 days is brilliant!
I normally run and do yoga but with my drinking ramping up the last couple of months exercise has gone out the window so looking forward to getting back on it.Day 3 here as I'm not counting Wednesday as I was basically still a bit drunk.Cleaning the house today before friends arrive and doing an insane amount of driving the teens places. Dd17 is going to a church thing (the only non atheist in the family. It certainly is a real positive for her) and DD15 has the usual dance schedule and a hair appt.

Thanks @CoffeeLover90 i hope so too I’m pretty sure it’s from my job I have my own coffee outlet so do a lot of repetitive movement hence why I’m always up early in the mornings!! Yes that’s what I was planning on doing I hope it’s out soon!!
Thanks @growinguptobreakingdown i do try to keep positive most of the time, I hear you used to take me pretty much the whole week after a binge!!
amazing you should definitely get back into your fitness that really helps me I don’t know what I’d do without the gym it’s like my sanctuary now!! And I used to go before I stopped drinking the amount of workouts I did hungover 🤦🏻‍♀️ must have put so much stress on my body!! running is a new thing!! I am more of a weightlifting girly but I’m quite enjoying it atm and I have no choice until my elbow improves.
well done on day 3!! I’ve been where you are it gets so much better 😊 sounds like you have a busy weekend I’m not religious but I do love going to church’s some are so beautiful inside.

Hope you're all OK tonight. Little one has been claiming he's tired since 6pm so he's in bed already and declined a story.
I took full advantage and have had a shower and put on twilight newmoon. Again expect any kick off the thread.

I’ve had such an awful day @CoffeeLover90 😭 I don’t even know where to start. I’m exhausted. I even said to DH “I’m going to have a glass of wine tonight”. I haven’t. It’s just not going to help anything. No exercise tonight, I'm just going to have a cup of tea and go to bed.

Evening all, pleased to be able to check in for day 21.. breezed through husband's birthday and enjoyed first day back to uni. Up nice and early at 5 for study session before the rest of the house got up, all in all feeling positive.

Revisited the Huberman Labs podcast on what alcohol does to the mind body and brain on the commute this week to help reinforce my current feelings towards alcohol. Also plan to revisit This Naked Mind audiobook and have some of the aforementioned shorter podcast episodes to dip in and out of more regularly.

Actually found I haven't tuned in on them as much in the last couple of weeks and the chatter and cravings I usually face at certain triggers has dampened down after getting past around day 10. Don't want to be complacent and slip and hoping to keep pushing my sober September into October

Hope everyone else is having a good weekend so far

Morning all
Goodbye summer the rain has started!! Mind you I do love the autumn cosy day at home i think movies and snacks 😊
hope you enjoyed your peaceful evening @CoffeeLover90 I ended up taking my mum to the cinema kept her quite 😂 film wasn’t all that but killed a couple of hours. Sorry to hear you had a bad day @AFmammaG I hope today will be better for you and well done for resisting the wine it honestly will not change anything but you already know that 😊 bad days will always happen it’s how we deal with them that makes us stronger.
well done @seasaltandsand 21 days!! 🥳 great work your over half way there you can do this 😊 glad you’re feeling positive this is how we should we feel.
podcast sounds interesting that’s one I’ve not heard off to thank you will check that one out! I’ve listen to naked mind podcast I like those also.
we can never let ourselves get complacent the strangest cravings come from no where we wouldn’t even realise it and before you know it your having that first glass again. Even now I’ve been fine but my mum came down yesterday and put a beautiful bottle of rose Prosecco in my fridge!! I know it’s there I know I don’t want it but I’m 💯 aware of where it is and it’s funny how my mind is working overtime!! Hopefully she will drink that this afternoon with dinner otherwise I’ll be tipping that down the sink. Where as my daughter’s gin has been on the side for weeks and it hasn’t even entered my mind.
I will be right here with you doing sober October I definitely think it’s worth pushing for longer so you can start to feel some of the amazing benefits 😊

I didn’t sleep.

Me and DH have completely different parenting styles. Always have. Mon-Fri I do everything for the kids and although it’s hard, it works. Weekends are becoming more and more difficult. He is tough on punishments, I’ve been taught more to ignore the bad and focus on the good. I’ve posted before about struggling with this approach and being too soft but in comparison I think DH is way over the top. He thinks I don’t support him/undermine him.

I’ve spoken to him before about less shouting. About not punishing every misdemeanour. It just makes for a miserable existence for the kids and me.
Previously I’ve just done everything with them myself and I guess as they were little and incredibly hard work he let me. Now weekends are spent together a bit more it’s becoming an issue.

He thinks the kids gravitate to me because I’m soft. With DS there probably is some truth to that but honestly, I’ve done 99% of the parenting. Of the caring. The cuddles. The bedtime stories. Bath time. Meals. Pick ups and drop offs. In the early days I did mind (because I was exhausted) but over time I changed my perspective and now I see it as my gain. The problem is, you can’t come back in after years of being distant and then punish and shout. They just won’t respond well to that.

So here I am. Stuck in this place. And I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to DH. He isn’t open to criticism of his parenting (although very happy to tell me I’m too soft). The kids don’t enjoy his company. I’m shattered from doing everything with no support and he feels undermined. Anyone any advice for me? Don’t see the point in posting in AIBU for a million people to tell me to leave him. That’s a permanent solution to (hopefully) a temporary problem.

@Chance21 if she doesn’t drink it can you give it back to her or will that offend? Food bank at local supermarket? I agree it’s a temptation to have it there in the fridge.
I love your posts by the way. Always this splurge of positivity! I am glad I didn’t drink yesterday. It would have just been me burying the shit rather than dealing with it. I need something to change not pretend it isn’t happening!

This morning I said to the kids we have plenty of time before we have to get ready to head out. I’m up with them alone (it’s DH’s lie in). We are meeting another family for lunch.
DD asks me “are we all going?”.
I reply “yes”.
She replies “Even Dad?”. Do you see what I mean? I guess in most families it’s a given that you would all go. I know the kids would rather he didn’t come. I can’t jolly them up about it either because I know why they feel that way. Plus I’ve spent time before trying to big him up before we go to an event and then he’s spent the whole time yelling or telling off. Or just being disinterested.

I just can’t pretend anymore and I guess thats where it’s starting to go wrong. Before I would plaster a smile on and go anyway. I’m finding it more difficult to do that.

PS sorry for all the posts 🫣 probably not what you were hoping to see when you logged on this morning.

@AFmammaG that sounds tough but I'm sure you're right in that it is something that can be worked on if he has a willingness to accept that changes are needed.

If he isn't able to take feedback from you do you have any other family members or friends you/ he might trust that could quietly have a word?

It is difficult to approach and I'm not sure what to suggest but happy to listen/ read on here

I get parenting styles can be a divisive topic and it can feel very personal if questioned on decisions.

I guess some parenting styles come from our own childhood experiences and wonder if he had a more strict up bringing that has informed his beliefs. What are paternal grandparents like? It doesn't make it right but helps you understand and approach the conversation from another angle perhaps.

From your point of view, you know you are doing everything you can for DC and that they have a parent they feel comfortable to approach in both good and bad times.

You're making great headway in clocking up sober days and doing it in-spite of other challenges.

It doesn't make it easier for you in the day to day but maybe if you hold back on the championing dad for a period of time he will see it for himself. Sorry, it's a Sunday morning waffle reply, lots of words and no great answers

you really do have a lot going on @AFmammaG so sorry my lovely I wonder if this is arising now because the fog has lifted and you can see things for what they are if that makes sense like these issues have probably always been there but now you’re clear headed it’s hit you in the face and completely overwhelmed you.
you and your DH have completely different parent styles I always find mums can be softer I always was I’d let them get away with lots but I’ve had partners who used to step in and cause Chaos wasn’t enjoyable at all.
I really hope you can get your DH to understand because it’s not going to make a happy household do you thing there’s anything behind why his so strict?? Did he have the same upbringing? I just wonder if something else is going on there. Most men don’t have a lot of patience with children and it’s really tough going the fact they asked if dad will be joining you for lunch means that they must be a little on edge also.
I really do feel for you it’s a tough one because obviously you love your family and your DH but I think until you find away to live in harmony together this won’t go away especially now as I say alcohol can mask a lot of things that you wouldn’t notice when you get sober you have new eyes, feelings and ways of thinking. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say I hope you have a great lunch it could be different today and fingers crossed you all have a great time together. I will just add the children will always gravitate to the softer parent they’re not silly and I’m sure your DH means well also he might just need a different approach but trying to make him see that is another thing! Try and have a good day 😊

@Chance21 my mum and sister also got me a bottle of Prosecco and good luck card for the new course.. it's tucked away in the pantry and the wine fridge has chilled tonic, bitter lemon, NA beer, NA g&t .. next job culling the more sugary NA options.

As the uni module runs into February/ March, ideally I'd love to take the time to stay dry and have the head space but think I'm best setting smaller goals and extending it each month at the moment but my current view is that I don't want to go back to alcohol.

I can't moderate. I prefer myself sober and present and I'm all too aware of how tragic a slip can be.

Challenges for the next couple of weeks include my own birthday at the end of the month and a work trip. My easy out is explaining I'm on high dose steroids and not feeling like a drink and no one has pushed me on it

Pleased to have company for October

@seasaltandsand I don’t have a great support network. My family are distant and I got tired of trying. They are not people I can confide in about anything. His family are also strict. The kids love their grandparents but DH says a lot “I’d never of got away with that” about the kids when we are with them. Although he insists he had a happy childhood and says things like “didn’t do me any harm”.

Since Covid I’ve worked hard with my good friends and let go of some of the flakey ones. My support network was shocking and I felt incredibly isolated. I feel better these days, although the situation with family remains the same.

Yesterday the urge to drink was because I didn’t want to have to deal with this. I have form for running away from problems rather then tackling them. Not anymore! Let’s see how today goes. DH was drinking last night and we were both tired so didn’t broach it with him. Hopefully today will be a better day and I will try tonight.

prosecco is probably a trigger for I loved it got me very drunk very quick 😂🤦🏻‍♀️@seasaltandsand my mum just doesn’t think sometimes!! But maybe it’s a test of some sort.
yes we are all different and you have to do what’s right for you, I’m telling myself 100 days even though I know it’s forever because I also can’t moderate but it helps me to stay focused forever just sounds scary right!!
but I do plan to educate myself on all the negative effects so I won’t even want it!!
ahh make sure you do something nice for your birthday have some nice food, maybe a spa day?
those excuses are probably better early on I’ve found when I tell people I’m not drinking they treat me like an alien 😂 doesn’t matter what you say as long as we don’t drink a little white lie won’t hurt 😊 great sober October here we come 👍🏻

Thank you @Chance21. Yes his family were strict. He believes children need to behave. In a perfect world they would! He doesn’t seem to make any allowance for being tired or hungry or ill or…. a child!