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Alcohol support

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The support thread for anyone trying to lead an alcohol free life.

981 replies

WendyWagon · 30/06/2024 08:50

Hello and welcome. We are a bunch of people (mainly women) trying to give up alcohol. No judgement, just honest support and kindness
The original thread was started by @drybird2020 in 2020 and we have plenty of veterans who can offer advice and signposting.

We don't encourage moderation purely as it can be triggering for some to read.

I'm Wendy and I'll be the captain of the ship for the next two months or so.
I gave up drinking in January 2022.

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Souredgrapes · 09/07/2024 07:27

Good morning . I joined you all last Monday and you gave me a very warm welcome . I’m reading everyday , I’m recognising names now and so much of what you all say resonates with me . I’m going yup yup yup to just about everything . I’m just not very good at replying but please do know every single post has meant something to me . If I could reach and and help anyone of you , I would .
The discussion about partners who drink has really resonated . I’m in the same position . Now I feel like I’m in a very special club with people who understand . Thank you . My own DH starts his “ tens days off” tonight . Which basically translates in to “ I won’t see him sober for 10 days “ . He still drinks when he is working but much less so because he is at least sensible enough to respect the Drink Drive Laws . Sadly he only has to get up for 6 mornings a months so for the rest of them , he is drunk . I’m talking 12 cans a day plus what he has in the pub . How he has the capacity I’ve no idea .

m I’ve made some progress this week . I’ll hopefully check in later and give an update . Off to work now . Thank you all for letting me in to your space . X

WendyWagon · 09/07/2024 07:29

Morning all.
I am sorry re the dh@Womanshour

I have been worried about my BFF drinking again. Not the same as living with someone who is drinking though.
I went to AA, they were very kind. Perhaps for men it works, there are lots there. Boys do like clubs.

I had a tricky day yesterday with the hmrc, uni's and this mad company I work for. All was well over the weekend then I find myself on the end of spite and aggression again. The players need to grow up. I could do with a new job ladies. Hopefully a positive job hunt now the new government is formed.

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WendyWagon · 09/07/2024 07:31

@Souredgrapes good morning

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Womanshour · 09/07/2024 07:38

Ha! @WendyWagon you are right they do like a club! He has a friend who went to AA ages ago (still doesn't drink) he talked about contacting him yesterday and going with him I hope he does.

Good luck with the job hunt fingers crossed for a good one x

NextPhaseOfLife · 09/07/2024 08:03

Morning all,

Hi @Souredgrapes, glad you're making progress - great to hear.

@Onewildandpreciouslife - I can see why your DH lamenting being AF very occasionally could be annoying - you obviously hide your apathy of their inebriated conversations so well he thinks you love it!

@WendyWagon so sorry that work is shit again - what is it with them, they sound so erratic 😡😡😡

NextPhaseOfLife · 09/07/2024 08:04

@Womanshour

You are helping your DH as best you can. Alcohol is so insidious 😢😢

EastCoastDamsel · 09/07/2024 10:15

@Onewildandpreciouslife I can highly recommend Belgium as a holiday destination for great AF options. There aren't the equivalent number of options compared to booze but there's been an interesting handful of AF beers (and even a very good 0.0% Cava yesterday )on menus. The supermarket also have V interesting and different different options.

REP22 · 09/07/2024 10:53

Good morning all. I hope you had a good night.

I'm really sorry for everyone with hard-drinking (or even not that hard) OHs. Alas, there I have no real advice (it's always been just me and a dog in life). It's a difficult line to tread - on the one hand, we want to offer caution, advice and our own need for solidarity and companionship in our own AF journeys. On the other hand, we don't want to p%ss them off so that they drink to excess just to spite us. I suppose that quiet honesty, a firm but silent and non-judgemental refusal to facilitate or acknowledge the b%ll%cks, and strong support in the grim moments is the way to go, though I appreciate that that can be overwhelmingly trying. @Souredgrapes nice to see you back again. Sorry for what you've got coming your way in the next few days; I hope it isn't too grim. Sadly, his capacity for tolerating the booze will diminish over time - but that's something he has to get for himself. Stay strong - we are all with you, especially when it's at its worst and you feel like you're screaming into the void with no-one that hears you. We can hear you (I mean that in non-sinister creepy-stalker way!). ❤

@WendyWagon is your work's Head Office built on the edge of a Hellmouth? They do seem to be an inexhaustible well of sh%te. I hope you will vanquish their evil little gitwizards and emerge triumphant. 👸

Speaking of little gitwizards, we got utterly, utterly soaked on our walk last night. See his happy, laughing face as an indication of how much he appreciated the opportunity...

Strength and love to all. Keep going - you won't regret that you did. xx

The support thread for anyone trying to lead an alcohol free life.
ShyMaryEllen · 09/07/2024 11:00

If I'm searingly honest, I think that because of my guilt at what my husband put up with when I drank (he's another supportive one) I feel too guilty to complain. Not just because I don't feel I'm in a position to lecture others, but also because I fear that I might have driven him to it.

Nothing will allow me to forgive myself for the fact that my children grew up with a heavy drinker for a mother, and this is probably part of that. It's difficult. You have to reassess and renegotiate relationships when you get sober, and having started out on the wrong foot in the first place because of my childhood (everything was my fault), it's a bit of a double whammy adding yet more guilt to the mix.

WendyWagon · 09/07/2024 12:17

I think it is a female condition to feel guilt.
I was chatting to an old colleague the other day and all I could think of was my shameful shenanigans which he witnessed. He's a lovely man so he never mentioned them.
I did a bit of step 8 (apologising to those you have wronged) when I first gave up drinking but I realised the really big falling outs were caused by something that I could not cope with or I had been put in a difficult position. My answer was 'Dutch courage' so I could fight my corner.
I now try to live by doing the difficult thing first or letting it go.
Tbh a lot of my life was fighting. To fit in, to be heard, to be wanted.
Luckily age gives us time to sit back and shoot the breeze.
My German male friend sent me the funniest fb skit the other day. It's the banjo playing tailor who has no more fs to give. I watch it when I'm about to pop. Handy if you can't drink anymore!!

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Maffit · 09/07/2024 14:56

Hello Lovelies,

Been here before under another name, back because I was 'doing fine at moderating' until I wasn't... you all know the score. It was my birthday yesterday and I had lovely plans for a day off with DH today, but instead I woke at 2:30am and it was Pukageddon until about 11am, every five minutes... couldn't even sip water, it came straight back up... managed a fitful hour of sleep sitting up... I'm still so dizzy I'm having to stay close to the walls... I can't remember being this ill for many years...

Now you can imagine my mental state - I'm the worst... 😢 Had a hot shower and got clean, tidied up, but still can't stomach anything, just sipping mint tea and honey...

I had 5.5 years sober and it rocked. I want that back. This way of life just sucks, doesn't it? So I'll just sit in a corner, rocking slightly and groaning to myself, and take inspiration from you lot... 🙂

REP22 · 09/07/2024 15:44

Hello @Maffit - welcome back aboard. Happy birthday for yesterday.

I definitely hear you on the "doing fine at moderating (until actually not)" - it's a lie I've repeated to myself, with the grim and entirely-predictable results, often. Yes to the puking, crawling betwixt bed and bathroom, room-spinning misery. And to the all-encompassing self-loathing and guilt. Sadly more than once. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes. But I do seem to be getting the "no, you absolutely cannot moderate" message a bit better at the moment. I had a good full two years of total sobriety before the Voldemort of Vodka winked at me again and I, in my folly, succumbed.

But you're back here. You've found us again. That's the biggest and a positive part of the last 24 hours. We are humans. F%%cking things up is what we do best. What matters is how we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves down, and keep walking forwards. I'm sorry for how rotten you feel at the moment, and for how grim it will feel getting through the next day or two with all the physical and internal processing. It won't feel like this forever, as you know. I wish I could make it feel better at the moment. I can't, and I'm sorry. But it will be alright soon.

You're not a failure, you've just had a bit of a slip. But rather than doubling-down on it and hitting the "F%CK-IT button", you're dealing with it as best you can. Stay here and keep posting if you want to.

I'm glad you've found your way back here again. I don't know where I'd be without this thread, always generally - but especially in the last few weeks, where I've had a few of my own dark nights of the soul. Lots of lovely regulars, with the fabulous Cap'n @WendyWagon at the current tiller and really cracking newbies and returners. These are safe waters, even when life seems choppy and rife with icebergs.

Look after yourself, don't judge yourself too mercilessly (easier said than done, I know), and keep going. You can do it. It will be alright soon. 💙x

WendyWagon · 09/07/2024 16:04

@Maffit 👋. Hello.
Waving from the bridge.

Moderation is the hardest task. It's booze bingo.

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NextPhaseOfLife · 09/07/2024 16:04

Hello there @Maffit

Welcome back - I'm sorry for you that you've found yourself back but I'm glad that you're here. Those spinny pukey nights and days are not pleasant 🤢🤢🤢 you have my enormous sympathy.

It's a somber message that 5.5 years AF is still not 'safe', but a great lesson for us all on here.

I'm only two or so months so hearing that I need to keep working, always, is actually quite helpful for me (than you xx).

Was it anything specific that led you to have a drink?

ShyMaryEllen · 09/07/2024 16:13

I need to listen to you too, @Maffit . Having realised I'm not at risk of imminent death if I so much as sniff a wine bottle, there is such a temptation to 'just have an occasional drink'. The angel on my shoulder tells me that I never want just one, but the devil on the other one assures me that after 7 years I've got this cracked, and I'll be just fine.

I swear it was easier before.

Itsrainingten · 09/07/2024 17:43

Hi @Maffit hope you're feeling a bit better than earlier and maybe have managed to eat something? Well done for not just chucking in the towel and thinking fuck it.
Moderation is a sneaky witch. We've all thought we were good with it at some point but I genuinely think some people just can't do it. And even the ones who can, sometimes can't keep to it. It's a slippery slope for everyone, I think, just some of us slide a lot quicker than others unfortunately.
Please try and be kind to yourself the next few days. You're not a failure, because you're back here again. I'm sorry you feel so awful today but you will feel better soon. Sending positive energy your way x

Maffit · 09/07/2024 19:42

Thank you all, you lovely darlings! I'm feeling cheered and encouraged by your support! 😙 Have managed a little scrambled egg on toast this evening, feeling closer to humanity... If anyone is thinking they've 'got it beat' after several years sober and can go back and moderate, let my sorry ass be an example and an instruction to you! 😆

Interesting question, @NextPhaseOfLife ... I think what led me back was that I first quit when I had a health issue, so it was always tied to that... subconsciously, I think drinking again was a way of trying to leave that issue behind, to draw a line under it and 'not be a sickie' any more. But of course, drinking remains a threat to health.

Anyway, I know that to open negotiations with myself on whether to drink is setting myself up to lose, every time. That's why people who say 'Aww, you can just have one, can't you?' are wrong-wrong wrong faces! It was much easier to have a blanket 'No' installed!

And I had fun sober! I was calmer and more present and bien dans ma peau sober! I want that back! 🙂

WendyWagon · 10/07/2024 08:49

Good morning all.
Up with the DH and the dog. Off to have my blood test to check on the progress of the treatment plus a liver test!

I am better but still suffering to get up and down.
All quiet here.

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EastCoastDamsel · 10/07/2024 14:19

Ahoy ⛵

Just a quick check-in today.

Have been needing my NQTD mantra a lot in the last 24hrs.

D39 AF today. Nearing 1000 hours....

Wishing you all fair winds and following seas 🫡

Itsrainingten · 10/07/2024 14:28

Hi everyone @Maffit hope you're feeling better today.
Just wanted to ask everyone's opinion on cooking with alcohol? I haven't really changed habits on that so will still eat tiramisu, use white wine in risotto etc but wondering if most of you are the same? Obviously if something was obviously boozy - like Christmas pudding with brandy or liqueur chocolate (which I actually hate anyway) then I wouldn't

EastCoastDamsel · 10/07/2024 15:06

Hi @Itsrainingten I am not cooking with wine at the moment (am using the Red Wine Stock pods instead) and also eschewing puds like tiramisu, trifle with booze, etc etc

However, I wouldn't avoid eating a risotto or stew cooked by someone else in if they used wine.

Good question thought, would.love to hear other's take on this.

NextPhaseOfLife · 10/07/2024 16:17

Hey @Itsrainingten

I'm not having anything with obvious alcohol in it at all.

I don't think it would tip me into drinking but I just don't want it.

@EastCoastDamsel - eschewing is SUCH a great word. I'm going to use it more often!!!

Womanshour · 10/07/2024 16:28

I would be happy to have if just adding a rich flavour, (such as risotto) but alcohol flavour I'd avoid.

I wouldn't cook with it (yet) as I would find it too triggering cooking and wine went hand in hand....

REP22 · 10/07/2024 17:03

Hello all, quick in and out from me. Hope you're all doing OK. Utterly wretched last night - very complex day at work sorting out multiple glitches with a new custom-made App. Two sides of said App aren't talking to the other. Do they do a "Relate" for truculent App functions...? Also, despite careful recording and monitoring of intake, at Slimming World I have somehow managed to GAIN 3lbs this week. Deeply, deeply disheartened. 😠 I drowned my sorrows - but only with two bits of buttered toast.

A fellow SW-inmate sympathised and said "go and treat yourself to a few vodkas". I didn't.

Today is a new day. Next week it will be a year to the day since THAT day (dog broke harness and disappeared without trace into national park wilderness taking my phone and car key with him. The military got involved. I had to put a chicken curry in my bra and pants. Cost of dogsploits: £710). This was not that day. And if I can survive THAT day, I can survive this day. New diet strategy has already been planned. Very glad I did not punch the "F#CK-IT-button" last night. It has helped me to rationalise and be clear about the way back to SW-glory.

I don't mind recipes with alcohol in it, but I wouldn't buy any to cook with though. I know I'd finish off what wasn't used. I'd try not to - but I doubt I'd succeed. I would also be happy to accept Baileys Haagen-Dazs or a Wine Gum, as I wouldn't feel triggered by either. It's the having the bottle in the house that would scupper me. Although I'd buy a miniature if I was using it entirely in the dish/cake, with no possibility of leftovers.

Leftovers have always been my downfall. The dog is a rescue - so I suppose he's a "leftover" in a way - I'm definitely happy to be benefitting from that one. 😊

Hope the tests go OK @WendyWagon .

Strength and love to you. Keep at it - it will be worth it. x

ShyMaryEllen · 10/07/2024 17:51

Dogsploits 😂

I'm with you @REP22 - I am fine with eating alcohol (IYSWIM) but buying a bottle to pour a glass into the risotto would be too great a temptation.

I had LFT results this morning (just routine) and they are reassuringly normal. Hope yours are too, @WendyWagon .