Hello @Maffit - welcome back aboard. Happy birthday for yesterday.
I definitely hear you on the "doing fine at moderating (until actually not)" - it's a lie I've repeated to myself, with the grim and entirely-predictable results, often. Yes to the puking, crawling betwixt bed and bathroom, room-spinning misery. And to the all-encompassing self-loathing and guilt. Sadly more than once. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes. But I do seem to be getting the "no, you absolutely cannot moderate" message a bit better at the moment. I had a good full two years of total sobriety before the Voldemort of Vodka winked at me again and I, in my folly, succumbed.
But you're back here. You've found us again. That's the biggest and a positive part of the last 24 hours. We are humans. F%%cking things up is what we do best. What matters is how we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves down, and keep walking forwards. I'm sorry for how rotten you feel at the moment, and for how grim it will feel getting through the next day or two with all the physical and internal processing. It won't feel like this forever, as you know. I wish I could make it feel better at the moment. I can't, and I'm sorry. But it will be alright soon.
You're not a failure, you've just had a bit of a slip. But rather than doubling-down on it and hitting the "F%CK-IT button", you're dealing with it as best you can. Stay here and keep posting if you want to.
I'm glad you've found your way back here again. I don't know where I'd be without this thread, always generally - but especially in the last few weeks, where I've had a few of my own dark nights of the soul. Lots of lovely regulars, with the fabulous Cap'n @WendyWagon at the current tiller and really cracking newbies and returners. These are safe waters, even when life seems choppy and rife with icebergs.
Look after yourself, don't judge yourself too mercilessly (easier said than done, I know), and keep going. You can do it. It will be alright soon. 💙x