The support thread for anyone trying to lead an alcohol free life.

[WendyWagon]

Hello and welcome. We are a bunch of people (mainly women) trying to give up alcohol. No judgement, just honest support and kindness
The original thread was started by @drybird2020 in 2020 and we have plenty of veterans who can offer advice and signposting.

We don't encourage moderation purely as it can be triggering for some to read.

I'm Wendy and I'll be the captain of the ship for the next two months or so.
I gave up drinking in January 2022.

@Loubelle70 your grandparents sound amazing; you are a real credit to them. Thank you so much for your very kind words ❤

@WendyWagon your DC are so lucky to have such a wise, insightful mum in you. I'm sorry again about your mum. It is impossible to live with someone who has to be in charge and the centre of attention all the time, and who is never wrong. It's exhausting trying to appease them. You're fantastic ❤

Just been out to cricket, but it's rained on-and-off and the dog was having none of it, so back we have come.

Hope everyone is doing OK this weekend. Love to all. xx

Oh - and @WendyWagon we ARE in the South! I tend to get a nosebleed if we head any further North than Basingstoke (the Las Vegas of the South) hehe x

@WendyWagon wow...yes i started drinking at 13. Enlightening about childhood trauma and early drinking xxx

Morning all.
Back on UK time now - I’m quite glad to be home.

Good to hear from you @Loubelle70 - amazing to hear you’re nearing 100 days!

🌅

Day 37. Crap night's sleep..worried about DS.

I worry about him generally as he is very sensitive, has low self-esteem, is a bit of an outsider and has ADHD but more specifically his end of year school report arrived yesterday. Maths results dire (Convinced this is the lingering effect of COVID lockdowns combined with lack of confidence).
Just finished Year 9 so still some time to sort it before GCSE.
I know we will have to find a tutor to help plug gaps and support revision but he is not going to be very happy about that.

Truthfully, I am a little pissed off with his school who must have known that he has been struggling with some basic concepts for years (it is a 2-18 school which is separated into pre, prep and senior schools so although each section has different approaches there is some continuity and cross-over). This is the first time they have actually reported real exam results not just a vague 1-4 grade.

Grateful that I am sober and facing up to this, rather that burying my concerns and hoping it will all be ok.

@Loubelle70 amazing achievement to get to 100 days!

Morning everyone. Hoping people had peaceful weekends.

Dh got very drunk again on Saturday. We've been together over 20 years and both of us have unhealthy relationships with booze. I have always worried about it he has only occasionally. We've spoken about it lots but we all know it's got to be him who wants to stop.

A bit crap to have booze still have such an impact on a weekend when your not drinking.

He is worried this morning... hopefully it'll create some helpful change. X

Morning all,

Sorry to hear he is struggling, @EastCoastDamsel 😢 very tough. As you say, so good you are firing on all cylinders to support him x

@Loubelle70

Congratulation on the 100 days 👏👏 that's a great achievement.

@Womanshour it was a boozy weekend for those in my house/world too. My DH is generally drinking far less now I'm AF, which was probably a subconscious part of my original plan to stop. It was a bit too much this weekend - only a bit, but I didn't like seeing the immersion in drinking.

Made me feel glad I don't have that need anymore, but a bit sad that I feel a little at sea.

This week's mind work will be trying to find something that excites me the way (the first) glass of wine did.

@Womanshour - if you have any tips, please let me know. My DH is drinking less, but still a fair bit.

I've been honest today @NextPhaseOfLife that he'll end up having a heart attack if he continues and maybe not that far away (high risk family history).

I haven't said it in a horrid or unkind way, but actually I really love him and would love to grow old together. Sounds heavy but his weekly units are very high as we're mine. X

That's such a worry for you @womanshour. I hope he sees sense and at least reduces his intake. Maybe seeing the benefits you get from quitting will inspire him a bit.

My dh is drinking most nights at the moment too btw! He doesn't drink a lot, but it is too frequent and occasionally he'll put away a whole bottle of red which isn't good. I'm hoping he will cut down when he realises how much better my life is without it. His family doesn't have the same awful history with alcoholism that mine does, so doesn't have that motivation.

@eastcoastdamsel you are so right that you're better facing your worries about your ds sober. I work with that age group and have known a few kids drop every non essential subject to focus purely on the ones they absolutely need for further study (usually, maths, English and science). Obviously that's a bit extreme since he's only Y9 but just want to reassure you that there are options if he needs them in future. It can be a lot for some kids and I totally agree re covid. There are a few years with issues following lock downs and Y9 I think is one of them

Day 59 for me - I am so tired and don't want to go to work 😂. Oh well. Not long now till school holidays which I get off (I know I'm a spoilt wee bissim as my mum would have said).

Ahoy shipmates.
Up and kicking for a good week.

Sorry to hear about the DH @Womanshour , mine doesn't drink. Rum older than our kids in the cupboard.
I do think you would be reasonable if you asked for some no booze support. Say four weeks?
My boys like AF Guinness.

I am working on a new colour project for the skincare company. I want to see the terms and they we are off.

A tough day today trying to sort out the DD university. They have cocked up her place and she may have to go elsewhere.

I was on the premixed Gordon's af. I had a fab lemon so it hit the spot. The chaser was raspberry ripple ice cream.

@southernbelles how are you doing?

My husband drinks, too.

Not as much as I did, and not as regularly, but I do worry. He is older than me, and has Type 2 diabetes (inherited) so really doesn't need the sugar from alcohol. I never encouraged him to stop when I did, as (a) it would have seemed very unfair, and (b) I wanted life to be as normal as possible, just with no booze in it for me, but I notice it when he drinks. He is a whiskey and beer man, so there's not as many empties as I used to have as a heavy wine drinker, but the units will rack up. As he's retired, he doesn't have to worry about getting up early to go to work, or about morning driving, which I think must have reined him in before. It's a worry.

Good morning all. Hope everyone had an ok weekend. Welcome home @Onewildandpreciouslife 😀

Sorry about the school report @EastCoastDamsel - I hope your DS can bounce back and build on what's good in it. Maths was my worst subject at school. I got a grade higher than predicted but it was still diabolical. Hopefully a good tutor (I had one) will make it more of an interest than a chore.

@Womanshour , @NextPhaseOfLife and @ShyMaryEllen I am sorry that you are having to live with a DH that drinks, which doubles+ your achievements in staying sober, it must be tough to watch. One thing that helped bring things home to me (I don't have a DH, only the dog, so I don't know if this will annoy rather than help) was stumbling across this: The Morning After Calculator – The Morning After | When will you be safe to drive? (morning-after.org.uk) - it's a stark wake-up about safe drinking levels before driving (and is in NO WAY intended to be a "how much can I drink in order to stay under the limit" tool). Lots of people think they are fine in the morning after - but if you check it out, you will see that if you drink a bottle of good red (13%) and finish it at 11pm - you are not safely under the drink-drive limit until at least 10am the following day.

I voluntarily surrendered my licence when I knew that I was drinking too much regularly (I never was stopped and to this day have not even a single speeding point on my licence), but I am paying a very heavy price for trying to do the right and honest thing; despite never having been penalised or even ever spoken to by the Police, the DVLA make me have a full medical, with blood tests and GP report every single year on renewing my driving licence. I'm hopeful that this yearly thing will come to an end soon as I have always passed every test with nary a hint of issue - but believe me when I say that you do not want to draw the eye of the DVLA upon your soul. People (especially men, I think) overestimate their abilities when driving, which is why I share the calculator above - it makes for sober thought in more ways than one. A single large glass of wine can keep you over the limit for the next 5 hours. I'm sorry to be the harbinger of gloom - but I had no idea how much of a risk to your licence even a relatively small amount of the stuff can be until I saw that calculator. Grim.

Hope you all have a happy week. Strength and love to you. xx

It was raining this morning. The dog didn't want to get out of bed. I had to wrestle the harness onto his prone, protesting form and haul him out.

Thanks all. It's hard to ask him not to drink @WendyWagon as he has his own issues. I have said today that it's gone too far and he needs to do something... the something is up to him.

Messy business alcohol I guess. Can't remember where I read or heard this but somewhere talked about alcoholism being progressive. And I fully agree with that.

I would love him to stop and find the peace it can bring. Thanks @REP22 I've sent him that. I asked him to estimate how many units he had last week. He vastly underestimated and asked him to try and work it out. I think he would be shocked tbh.

Anyway hope everyone is OK thanks for the lovely comments. X

@WendyWagon thanks so much for checking in ☺️ still paying the price physically, I woke up this morning still feeling low-level nauseous & tender. I've never felt like this for this long. I'm so cross with myself for setting off the stomach acid issues.

Am also riding the waves of post-drink anxiety. This weekend has honestly knocked me for six, & the weird thing is it wasn't even like I drank masses & masses!

I went round to see family yesterday & said no to a drink, it was so strange though seeing things from a different perspective. One of my relatives had 1 drink & another relative was saying 'you're drinking that a bit slowly aren't you?!' all joking around & everything. It's so unhealthy.

Evening all.
lovely@REP22 what a photo.
@southernbelles glad you are still with us
i am watching rather than playing tennis as I have injured my elbow
i don’t think you can do anything about drinking husbands except not join them. They need to decide themselves but I can see the concern.

@Womanshour , @ShyMaryEllen as I have mentioned before, my DH is also a drinker. He has cut back since I stopped but still drinks too much really. No longer daily at home but now we are on holiday he is having a few beers every day.

Thing is, I can't really say anything, because until recently I wouldn't have considered his drinking excessive (and of course joined him, and in fact probably had more in terms of units as I was drinking wine and he beer).

I have asked him to listen to This Naked Mind so he can understand my decision. Just got to trust that sobriety is a good example

That dog 🥰

We've been away for a week, and my husband has got through a bottle of wine, half a bottle of whiskey and maybe four beers, plus what he had in the pub when I was on a Zoom call. Probably 3 pints. Oh, and he was at home on Thursday night, so will have gone out then, too. That's when he's at his worst. He pays with his phone and I can see it on the bank statement. I mentioned it a while back and he was annoyed that I was 'checking up on him'. I do understand that, as it's a joint account (funded by him, as it goes) and I wouldn't be pleased if he took to commenting on my spending. I wasn't bothered about the money - it was the number of drinks that concerned me.

Part of me wonders if I've become one of those 'reformed zealots' who are worse than addicts, but I don't really think that's the case.

@ShyMaryEllen yes. I have 2 family members who have been TT for many years. One is very relaxed around drinking and the other is very much the "booze police".

When I was still drinking , the BP was super annoying,.but I know really understand them and would internally probably gravitate towards their attitude.

Not because I am judging the drinkers, at all (how could I?) but rather because I understand now just how deceptive a poison alcohol is and how enthralled society has become by it. And because I am now aware of just how damaging this substance is.

Thing is, the one who is relaxed has actually made it easier for me to talk to about my journey of quitting. And has made me see that and AF life is a happy life.

So, I think that is who I want to be for others too. Leading by example with no judgement.

Dh drank over 40 units between Friday and Saturday alone. He didn't go out just sat drinking it. After I went to bed on Saturday He drank over a bottle of wine and had been drinking since the afternoon.

He drank every day last week apart from Sunday and was still shaking and sweating yesterday. It's self destruction drinking which is why I'm so concerned. He is as well though. I can't make him change anything but I can say I'm worried. He didn't used to drink like this, I was always jealous He could have a drink and stop.

I've not asked him to stop t total but something must change which he agrees.

Morning all.

Interesting about partners drinking. My DH is one of the rare breed that can moderate, and definitely drinks less than he used to now I’m sober. But what really pissed me off on holiday was not that he drank everyday, but that on the days he reduced his intake he complained how hard it was on holiday to find an AF alternative that wasn’t too sweet. I KNOW! But I don’t complain about it in real life - I guess because deep down I’m still ashamed that my drinking became a problem

It’s the same with his friendship group - they all have a really unhealthy relationship with alcohol. And if he can’t drink with them for some reason, he tells me how it hard he finds it, and how dull. I KNOW! But I don’t talk about that either.

Half the time I sit there with this voice screaming inside my head “have you any idea how fing hard it is to just sit and watch you drinking, not least because it’s fing dull?!”

Sorry for the rant - I needed to get that out! But please know that if you are trying to get sober, and have managed to string some dry days together- whether it’s 5 or 500, you (we) are amazing, and are doing a really hard thing, and are maybe making it look easy, and it’s not. And we see you x

That’s really tough @Womanshour . Does he talk about wanting to cut down?

He's concerned @Onewildandpreciouslife and yes does not want to drink like this. He spoke about AA yesterday, I'm not sure that's for him (he isn't religious and would struggle with talk of religion) but he is prepared to take steps x

I think what’s maybe helpful to consider is what has motivated him in the past - when he has had a major achievement, how did he get there? Some people need to feel part of a group, so AA or SMART would help them. I thrive on measurable achievements, so an app that counted my days was really helpful for me.
Everyone thinks they need to go to AA, but of course there are alternatives, as we know!
If he’s open to books / audiobooks, I would recommend Sober on a Drunk Planet by Sean Alexander.
It must be very hard for you trying to steer the line between encouragement and leaving him to learn it himself, but his acknowledgment of the issue is a good first step.