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Alcohol support

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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

The support thread for anyone trying to lead an alcohol free life.

981 replies

WendyWagon · 30/06/2024 08:50

Hello and welcome. We are a bunch of people (mainly women) trying to give up alcohol. No judgement, just honest support and kindness
The original thread was started by @drybird2020 in 2020 and we have plenty of veterans who can offer advice and signposting.

We don't encourage moderation purely as it can be triggering for some to read.

I'm Wendy and I'll be the captain of the ship for the next two months or so.
I gave up drinking in January 2022.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Sortingmyselfoutdayatatime · 10/07/2024 20:27

Evening all. I’m bored as with bad elbow can’t play sport. Eaten my own weight n chocolate but still no alcohol

WendyWagon · 11/07/2024 08:07

Good morning all. Ahoy.
I am up with the sunshine and off into London. I've only been once since December and it was a disaster. I've booked help. I may look like a old crock but I'm a thinner one!
I drove twice yesterday, once to see a dream cottage. The husband was having none of it. I went on my own. It was fab. I don't mind the village but there are no shops and that's been our issue in the past. The said beauty is up for auction today so I can't bid as I was late to the party. If it doesn't sell I will be making cake to 'charm' the husband.
The mad owners of the beauty company have employed another expert. No idea what that means as she won't talk to me. Bizzare.
I will let you know how I get on.

OP posts:
ShyMaryEllen · 11/07/2024 09:33

I know what you mean. I would both love and hate a dream cottage 😀. I don’t drive, which is ridiculous I know, but my (lack of) spacial awareness and my ADD make it for the best. Obviously this means that I have to live in a town, if not a city, and somewhere within easy walking distance of the action, which costs.

My home town is surrounded by pretty villages with lovely cottages, and I’d get more for my money there, but the thought of the military planning involved in getting a loaf of bread (or worse, a curry delivery!) puts me off, and these days many villages have lost their pub, which even for a non-drinker is somewhere to socialise. I can’t see us moving unless one of us gets unable to manage the stairs, and even then I’d try a stair lift. If I had the dream cottage I’d probably be trapped there, and would end up like Nosferatu instead of Miss Marple.

Enjoy London, and do report back.

Oh, and my grandpuppy was stopped by the rozzers yesterday! For being too cute on a public highway, apparently. The police woman just had to stroke him so pulled over for a cuddle 🥰

REP22 · 11/07/2024 11:13

Morning all. Hope you had a good night.

@Sortingmyselfoutdayatatime sorry about your elbow, that's frustrating. Hope you're on the mend. I hit the chocolate too - chocolate milkshake is my bedtime tipple of choice these days. Not ideal, but certainly the lesser evil.

@WendyWagon have a fab time in London. I love London (was born there), endlessly fascinating and alive. Would love a dream cottage. Sometimes I look at Estate Agent websites, wondering which one I'd buy if the Lottery numbers came up. Although I remind myself that I'd still have to put out the bins and do the dusting.

@ShyMaryEllen glad your LFT test results were good, that's brilliant. So cute about your grandpuppy too 💖. You've reminded me about my own brush with the law with dogs. A few years ago, I was driving a crappy old car and had two dogs on board - my own Parson Russell in the back and Hettie (a Giant Schnauzer of uncertain temper who I dog-sat sometimes - rarely was her fur trimmed, so it was often longish and tousled all over. Plus she was massive - more small bear than large dog) 'riding shotgun' in the front passenger seat. Driving to work one morning, I noticed in the rear-view mirror that we were being followed by a Police Officer on a motorbike. On exiting the first of two adjacent roundabouts it became very clear, from his flashing blue lights, standing up as he rode and obvious hand signals, that we must pull over and switch off our engine. After negotiating the second roundabout, I steered the car into a lay-by and parked up. After telling the dogs to ("for goodness' sake, girls!") behave themselves, I wound down the window and waited for the officer's approach, wondering what I had done wrong to attract his displeasure, and assuming it was the crapness of the car.

We sat in an uneasy silence as the Policeman got off his motorcycle and marched crossly towards us with a face like a smacked-arse.
"Hello sir!" I greeted him brightly, trying to smile and not look shifty, "Is everything all right?"
The Rozzer glowered down at me. "Is that child wearing a seatbelt?!" he barked angrily.
"Excuse me?"
"THAT CHILD!" he snapped, irritably. "In your front passenger seat! Is it WEARING a SEATBELT?!"
"Um...."
At this point, and with impeccable comic timing, Hettie turned her great shaggy, tousle-furred head to look at the officer. The Policeman did a spectacular comedy double-take, screamed and leapt backwards at least three feet in length.
"Aaaarrooohhh!" he yelped, mid-jump, almost tripping over his own feet in his shock. "It's a DOG!"
"Yes." I replied, torn between being amused and wondering how anyone could be so stupid as to confuse the back of a dog's head with that of a child's, as well as being mindful that I didn't want to aggravate an officer of the law in an already testing situation.

"A dog!" repeated the Policeman. "Not a child! But from the back it looked-"
"Yes." I said, "She's got my eyes and her father's tail. We're very proud." (I instantly regretted saying that but it popped out before I could stop myself).

The unfortunate Plod gaped, open-mouthed, at all three of us, temporarily incapable of speech, while I nervously awaited his displeasure at my cheeky insubordination.
"Erm," spluttered the Officer, trying (and failing) to recover a bit of his lost credibility. "I'd better let you get on your way, madam... I am sorry to have troubled you..."
"That's OK. Thank you." I replied, though this was lost on the Policeman's hastily retreating rear as he stumbled back to his motorbike and sped off as quickly as the law would allow.

We gave him a second's grace before we exploded in merciless laughter. I kept laughing as we went on our way again. At least, until I stopped at the next set of traffic lights and my mind started to operate properly again. The man thought that a grizzly Giant Schnauzer was legitimately MY CHILD... I rubbed my chin again and decided it was time to get me an ol' shave (or at least break out the tweezers)... 🤔 That remains the only time when driving that I've ever been stopped by the Police. The county's finest.😀

I have started making plans for what I am going to do on Saturday morning. Some gardening, I think, plus topping up the bird feeders, then out to cricket. Last weekend, I found it helpful to have a plan in place for what I would value and enjoy doing when I woke up sober and capable on Saturday morning. If I write it on here (I hope you don't mind), I'm more likely to stick to it when the danger-zone of Friday evening looms large. So I am going to email my neighbour in a minute and ask her if I can have access to our shared garden-waste bin on Saturday morning. Then I'll have to stick to it. Said neighbour doesn't drive, so I might offer her a run out to the local garden centre as well - she's got some tokens burning a hole in her pocket.

Hope you have got some nice things lined up for your weekend. Strength and love to you. x

cookiebee · 11/07/2024 12:06

@WendyWagon and everyone else, this thread is amazing, have been following you all for a long time, it’s comforting to know we are not alone and to recognise things in others that we feel or have seen in ourselves concerning never drinking again. Me and my friends and family were all binge drinkers, which to most who drink is normal drinking, no one sticks to 16 units or less, in my circles anyway.

I was forced to stop drinking alcohol completely for health reasons, alcohol induced pancreatitis, I’ve been sober 18 months now and have been through the whole mourning process of not being able to drink ever again. My behaviour with drinking was just like everyone here, not everyday, but fits and starts of pub visits, watching tv drinking, with my partner at home having a chat listening to the radio. But never just one or two, as the years go by, moderation just becomes impossible, I now realise that alcohol is no good in any amount, from our first drink we all just slip further and further into addiction, but many do not want to see it, alcohol is the last respectable drug which people are encouraged to use freely, it’s a global industry, with many people in the trough making lots of money from people’s misery, so it will be a very long time before it’s even treated in the same way tobacco is or any illegal substance, as long as Dougie and Margaret from the suburbs can partake without judgment on themselves, but can judge those who smoke or intake anything unsavoury like weed or ecstasy etc.

Im now back to where I started in a way, I started drinking on my 20th birthday, I despised it before that as my parents had huge drinking problems, same with my wider family. I used to draw, go to galleries alone, fill my time perfectly happily without even thinking of drink, pubs were so far off my radar you wouldn’t believe it, then I had a drink (and started smoking) and bam, gradually over 20 years all my interests and activities I filled my time with were taken over by drinking, it’s almost like an invasive species takes over your body and personality.

I know others think they are not like me, others who drink think they can stop, they can moderate, that I clearly had a bigger problem than they do, but it’s simply not true. I drank in the patterns most others who drink do. I now see my friends are in all the same places I was before I managed to shed this invasive crap from my body. I feel like me again and not someone who keeps pressing the fast forward button on the remote control of life, because alcohol takes sooooo much of our time in both the actual activity of drinking, which passes time with friends and family ultra quickly, but also in the days we are not drinking, hangovers, anxiety and literally PLANNING in our heads when we can next have a drink! I’ve read all of this thread and others and it helps so much, especially these ones, I just can’t read the moderation threads any longer, I’m deeply ashamed to admit it, but they anger me, but it’s anger at myself for no longer being able to be part of the nonsense that alcohol makes you spout when it’s got hold of you. It just puts us into so much denial.

You know what though, I still miss it!!

BigFatSober · 11/07/2024 13:04

Checking in again with new username - I needed a clean break from MN, so deleted my account then rejoined just now!

Anyway - 2 months for me yesterday. 62 days today I think

EastCoastDamsel · 11/07/2024 13:24

Just a quick ✅ from me.

Day 40 AF here.

Your dog stories are hilarious @REP22 . I fear you may have to start providing a daily instalment as a public service. I really look forward to them.

Thanks for your post @cookiebee . So much of what you said resonates with me and the way my social circle relate to alcohol. It is a super unhealthy relationship and I fear most of them are far more dependant on booze than they actually realise (I certainly was)

I know I keep banging on about This Naked Mind on this thread but it really really opened my eyes to the damage I was doing to myself physically, mentally, emotionally and relationally.

No one, not even DH would have (still would) consider my drinking out of the ordinary. Yes,they would acknowledge that I liked wine but I drank just like most of the people I know. Too much, but hey we deserve it right? After all we are hard-working , successful people drinking good quality wine after work and at weekends to relax. (WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! We and those we love are far too precious to be poisoning ourselves like this).

I managed to fool myself for suck a very long time because of all the stereotypes about alcoholics and framing that it is the individual NOT the substance that is the problem when it comes to problematic drinking.

Anyway, sorry about the ramble, I probably haven't explained myself particularly well either. Hope you guys understand.

Off to pry the DC from their devices and force them to have a swim with me

REP22 · 11/07/2024 13:59

@EastCoastDamsel thank you, you are very kind. I'm glad they make you smile 🙂 You're absolutely right in what you say. I deluded myself for years. When I first sought help for my drinking, the nurse said "you would be so surprised" at the people who are alcohol-dependent or have serious issues. Often the people you'd least expect. Ordinary, respectable, decent people who cannot cope without wine with dinner, or a whisky nightcap or several. People see alcoholics as staggering wastrels in the street, randomly shouting at pebbles, or shambolic tramps, face-down in the local parks' flower-beds at 10am. Those poor folks are actually the minority though. The real faces of problem-drinkers are those we'd never suspect. That's why alcohol is such an insidious poison. Heroin or crack addiction is clear to see on the faces and teeth of users. Not so - or not for a long time, anyway - drink. It lies in shadows and tracks us silently. You've explained it really well.

Hello @BigFatSober welcome back! 62 days is absolutely brilliant! Hearty waves of welcome also to @cookiebee .

New diet plan still proceeding well. To the fishmongers tomorrow, to procure items for SW-friendly teriyaki salmon and cullen skink. That ought to do it. And I'm even allowing for the three gulps of chocolate milk at bedtime with my delicious Mirtazapine. Nomnomnom...

cookiebee · 11/07/2024 14:07

Hi @EastCoastDamsel your point about how many think that problem drinking is down to the individual and not the substance is such an important one to make. When I was in hospital after illness being triggered by alcohol, there were doctors and nurses who drank and smoked themselves, but judged me as different from themselves, I am the problem, they and anyone else can stop or control their drinking and are not like this pathetic being they see before them. Now of course, I am a conscious being, and of course make my own choices, BUT alcohol is dangerous, for every single one of us, it’s a poison, one we have to mix with nice tasting flavours to be able to ingest, and it’s the effect we come back for, when we are thirsty, there’s no way we would naturally reach for a drink that tastes like bitter crap without the addictive effects alcohol has.

We stereotype problem drinkers as that bloke you see, staggering around with a carrier bag full of special brew, sitting in the gutter, never the person glammed up and going out with the girls or guys, (although ends up arguing over a doner kebab, don’t ask how I know that!), it’s never those sitting with their glass of red at home that are judged, until it catches up, everything is fine, until the day comes, like me that it suddenly isn’t, but of course, someone like me obviously has a bigger problem, because that wouldn’t ever be themselves in that hospital bed. Well I was once just like Saffy from Absolutely Fabulous with my parents drinking, though there was no laugh track involved to make it funny. I was like sandy from Grease 🎶look at me, I’m Sandra Dee🎵. I was the nerd who was picked on in school and harassed on our council estate. I NEVER thought I would be the one who was deemed a problem drinker by the nhs, but here we are, alcohol will do what it does, to whoever partakes, no discrimination, just good or bad luck as to the consequences you get given.

I really struggled with my weight when I drank, I gradually got fatter and fatter, I was like a spokes person for a Bernie inn or the beef trust looking at pics of me, I lose weight easily now. But looking at my friends, I see the weight struggles, the puffy faces, the lack of motivation and the alcohol induced drama, and I’m glad I’m out of it. I’m not even sure if I’m compatible with them anymore, but time will tell.

I really apologise for that negative rant everyone 😂

cookiebee · 11/07/2024 14:50

Hi @REP22, thanks for the welcome, I haven’t been on Mumsnet long, long time lurker as they say, but I’m honoured that you were my first cross post, in that we were making a similar comment about what is perceived as a problem drinker compared to what it actually looks like, though you made the point a lot better than me, wish I had thought to put it like that.

REP22 · 11/07/2024 16:19

Ah, thanks @cookiebee you're most kind. You explain your points very well too. And you're absolutely right in what you say. None of us envisaged that we would ever be here - and although there are some common themes (unhappy childhoods and upbringing, trauma/PTSD, grief, challenging relatives or abusive relationships) - we have all arrived by different paths - and yet here we stand. And we're standing together.

One of the things I value about this thread, after the supportive lovely people here, is the total freedom and understanding that different things suit different people. Just as others might wish to stick pins in their eyes in preference to going to an AA meeting, many have found salvation and hope in their local group. SMART recovery helped me, but it isn't for everyone. I particularly prize the books by Clare Pooley and Catherine Grey - but fully accept that others might not like them, or find them irritating. I'm not a podcast fan (though I quite like SoberDave) but I know that they have brought comfort, strength and guidance to plenty of others. There's no "right" or "wrong" here, and that's understood and appreciated. I'm very flattered and honoured when people say nice things about something that I have written, or are kind enough to laugh at my dog-related antics. But I am sure that there are lurkers and readers/posters who find them - and me - tiresome, self-indulgent and witless. That's fine too, and I can only apologise if you are reading this particular sentence and nodding.

Everyone, however they express themselves, has words that are worth hearing, and an opinion that is valid and important. Your experience matters.

Some people "lurk", read but never post. They matter too. Some people might stumble across this thread, have a quick skim, think "bl~~dy hell!" and never rustle our shades again. That's fine as well. This is a safe space for me, where one of our strengths is our differences, and where it's safe to share whatever helps for us individually, in whatever words are our own, without drawing the scorn or derision of our fellows.

I am often remiss in that I don't reply to every post or person - and there is absolutely no pressure or expectation that we should; another good thing. Sometimes I feel a bit guilty if I haven't replied or commented (I know I shouldn't but guilt is a learned assumption that I struggle to shake) - but I do delight in every milestone and happiness that people share, and care deeply for each trouble and setback revealed, whatever words people use to articulate them. I'm so glad that this thread exists - and very appreciative of all posters, most of whom have been around a lot longer than I have (I think it was only last year that I joined). The hive wisdom here is amazing. 🐝🙂

WendyWagon · 11/07/2024 19:31

Ahoy me hearties. Back from shore leave (the sailing references are to a previous post on the 'good ship sober sister' )

I made it up to The Smoke in style and home again. Lunch in a posh Westend eatery. I had a clothes fit this morning because I needed trousers incase I fell.
I wore a Givenchy cashmere jacket I bought in 2000 before the babies. A huge result. I had passenger assist and it was fab. Not sure how it works at peak time but it was so helpful. One for the aged parents.

I laughed my socks off re the shaggy dog tale @REP22 my JRT always rode shotgun. The funniest story was the potential thief who opened the jag door to a snarling JRT and a family urn. Off he popped! (I hasten to add the jag was old and bought to cheer up the DD when she was at boarding school. It reminded her of St Trinians. My DD calls me Camilla, not my name but a funny).

Welcome @cookiebee and welcome back @BigFatSober

Sadly I did step down from my job today. One rude letter too many and a total lack of respect. Remind me not to work for people half my age!
Ice cream now, raspberry ripple. Nector.

OP posts:
WendyWagon · 12/07/2024 06:33

Morning all.
It's a bit dark here

I am pleased as punch with my trip out yesterday. Seedlip and kedgeree.
I thought I would be crippled but no, all good.
Friday is danger night for me so I will be upstairs by 7pm. I am perfectly OK by Saturday morning. I'm another who still has to be vigilant.
The doctor rang yesterday and the new drug has effected my liver. I was questioned re my drinking habits!
However it could be the sleeping sweeties. They will come back to me.

OP posts:
Itsrainingten · 12/07/2024 06:48

Oh no @WendyWagon that's so unfair that your lover is being affected and you don't even drink! Although I assume any problems would be worse if you did.
Glad you had a good day though 🙂

Itsrainingten · 12/07/2024 06:49

Ha! Liver not lover obviously!

Sortingmyselfoutdayatatime · 12/07/2024 06:53

Sorry re the liver and the job @WendyWagon .
I am very fed up with no sport. Usually play loads
but usually fed up and bored equals fuck it wine button pressed not this time
have a good day all

Itsrainingten · 12/07/2024 07:07

Are you injured @Sortingmyselfoutdayatatime ? Can you switch what you do? So no tennis but some yoga or swimming for example?
I'd lose my mind if I couldn't go to the gym at all

EastCoastDamsel · 12/07/2024 07:34

Ahoy Shipmates.

Absolutely pissing it down here in Belgium today. Last day before an epic drive south the catch the ferry to Plymouth.

Suppose it is a good day for packing etc but does mean I am going to delay my run to this evening. I am not a natural evening runner. I much prefer getting out in the morning, back home for a shower and then I am ready for the day. Sweaty exercise in the middle of the day/evening means I need another shower and I have this issue with showering more than once a day and stripping the natural oils from my skin. Probably unreasonable.

Sorry to hear about the liver @WendyWagon at least you can, in good conscience, declare 0 units! And the job situation also sucks.

@Sortingmyselfoutdayatatime and @Itsrainingten I have been considering joining the gym but if I were to it would need to be one with a pool and as we live rurally the closest one is the David Lloyd which is 45minute drive away. Which is not really feasible. (We have hotels with spas and pools nearer but these aren't really good for exercise either).

I am considering (basically hae decided to) buying a treadmill for home for crap weather days. I am less and less inclined to go out when it is very dark or wet and windy these days and I think the lower impact nature of the treadmill would do me some good on some runs too.

Womanshour · 12/07/2024 08:00

@WendyWagon that seems very unfair about your liver.

@Sortingmyselfoutdayatatime eugh that's really frustrating. Even a good walk helps clear my mind or is it group sports you do? Hope the injury resolves quickly for you.

My cravings have gone back to whar they were before which is such a relief. I had a hard couple of weeks where I was straggling to see the point. Most definitely work related stress, something that's good to be aware of.

My dh hasn't drunk since last saturday. I'm not expecting him to stop but I'm really pleased he is doing something differently for the moment.

I have a weekend away with family. They don't know I've stopped drinking, but I think it'll be OK.

Hope everyone has peaceful days x

EastCoastDamsel · 12/07/2024 09:53

Just want to post a (very) small win.

Just put on my jeans for the first time in a fortnight and although not loose, they definitely buttoned up a little easier. 😁

REP22 · 12/07/2024 11:38

Good morning shipmates. Hope you are having a good day.

@WendyWagon your outfits sound fab. Glad you had a good day in the city. My M now uses Passenger Assist - they are fab, even at peak times. They make it happen. So sorry about your liver though, that's particularly bad luck. At least you're doing the right stuff now. And the liver is very resilient - hopefully a touch of the old Dr Who stuff will kick in and the cells will be able to regenerate a bit.
Sorry also about your job - though I think you are well out of there; they sound actively toxic. I am sure that better things lie ahead for you. I love raspberry ripple ice-cream. Sainsburys do a Taste the Difference white chocolate and raspberry milkshake that is a big favourite with me. Indulgent but worth it. 😘

@EastCoastDamsel - top result on the jeans! That's very satisfying. x

I have been out to procure fish for my cookery plans. The fishmonger gave me the skins for the dog - he loves fish skin. Though I'm dubious - the dog is always more demonstrably affectionate when his breath is at his most rancid. Is that the same with human males too? I expect it's actually worse. A memorable occasion hoves into view where my late Staffie accompanied me to the pub where me and others were consoling a friend whose marriage had just ended. We matched him, shot-for-shot, while the dog wandered up to the bar where another local fed him at least eight bags of pork scratchings (the devil's own bar snack, surely?). The resulting hangover was appalling in its force and misery, compounded by the dog's affectionate consolings and efforts to rest his befouled-breathing head against mine. The more I resisted, the more forcible his nurturing. Dear god, the smell. It haunts my nostrils to this day.

Current dog is much more fragrant (he is as gay as a gherkin (sorry ladies) - I generally find that gentlemen of the pink persuasion take much better care of their personal hygiene and habits), fish skin notwithstanding.

Wishing you strength and courage for Friday evening. My own witching hour. We can do it. It WILL be worth it. Stay strong. xx

Itsrainingten · 12/07/2024 11:59

@REP22 gay as a gherkin as my new favourite phrase 😂

BigFatSober · 12/07/2024 13:41

Thanks for welcomes back.

Hello @cookiebee 👋

I am here for accountability and wisdom, but moreso the dog photos 🐶 😂

9 weeks today 🎉

That is really unfair about your liver @WendyWagon. At least you can. Honestly say you don't drink at all! Hope they can do something for your liver

Womanshour · 12/07/2024 13:46

@BigFatSoberLife that's amazing congratulations! (Sorry i couldn't find your name properly)

BigFatSober · 12/07/2024 13:51

Womanshour · 12/07/2024 13:46

@BigFatSoberLife that's amazing congratulations! (Sorry i couldn't find your name properly)

Thank you 🥰