I am glad to hear that your day is working out OK @southernbelles - sounds like you have some great men (big and little!) in your life.
Thank you for sharing part of your story. Lots of it resonate. For a long time I smoked as well as drank. I gave up smoking but drink seemed to take more of a hold as people liked and laughed more at "confident drunk me", or so I believed, I then used it as a crutch when I was awkward or nervous. It then became, in my mind, a means of "self-medication" to shut out awful dreams, horrendous memories and recollections of an awful, toxic childhood, deal with grief, it goes on, until one day I had real problems trying to live a normal life without my "liquid life-support".
But some people can sink superhuman qualities of spirits and not feel they have an issue. Others can 'only' put away a few glasses of wine in a sitting and KNOW that they have a problem. We are all so different. Something has sparked in you a desire to be different and I am so glad you were brave enough to come looking and find us.
I don't feel that I deserve kindness either. But I'm learning more and more that that is because that was how I was "trained" as a child to be. Judgment and pressure were always factors in my life. I tried to be accepted and loved and was distraught when I was berated or punished in public. But I know now that I never could have succeeded - because I was expected to meet an impossible ideal and failure was inevitable. I was set up to fail. Even now, my M berates me in front of people for my perceived fallings. I took her to coffee this morning with her friends and, when one mentioned having IT troubles, straight away with no reference to me it was "REP22 will come round and fix it for you." Last week she hit me in public because I told a friend a joke she didn't approve of. At a recent big family dinner, where we were about to help ourselves from the table, my M glowered at me as I picked up a plate and spoon and said loudly "Remember, there are other people present...!" I am in my late 40s. 🤬
I don't think it was ever about me. I can't change how she behaves in any of this. She will never change. All I can change is how I react to it. Counselling and therapy have helped immensely. I am also on antidepressants (Mirtazapine. Lovely). A big realisation for me in my own path was realising that alcohol is, as @Onewildandpreciouslife and others have said, a depressant drug (genuinely - this is scientifically proven). It actively counterbalances/cancels out the effects of prescribed medical antidepressants and mood stabilisers. PLUS, it makes us feel anxious, physically sick, guilty, humiliated, ashamed of our antics (once we've sobered-up) and the self-reflection that the post-drinking feeling brings is agonising. Not to mention the knot of fear about what we might have said/done/posted on FB the night before, and wondering how we can face people ever again...
The relief that drinking brings is fleeting at best. It really doesn't last long. And it's a chimera - it isn't an 'upper' or mood-enhancer; it's an anaesthetic. I think it was in one of Catherine Gray's books where she says something like "alcohol is supposed to make you happy - so, if that was true, the more drunk you are, the happier you are. But look at the average city centre at about 3am, drunks falling out of their clothes, puking in doorways, crawling on the pavement, stumbling about crying, being restrained in senseless fights by Police and bouncers. By definition those people, having drunk the most, should be at their most happy. But do those people look happy to you?"
Oh lordy, hark at me, banging on. I'm so sorry. And I'm sorry to go on about me. We've all walked different paths to get us here. But there are some common themes. Difficult families when growing up, unrealistic expectations, abusive relationships. We are all here though, standing on common ground. The difference is that we are standing together. Stand with us, if you want to, we get it, we understand. You are welcome here and we hear you. Your voice matters.
Because we are none of us exactly the same, different things and strategies help different people in different ways. These are the books that helped me the most, @southernbelles : The Sober Diaries: The brave and brilliantly funny memoir that is changing lives: Amazon.co.uk: Pooley, Clare: 9781473661905: Books and The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober: Amazon.co.uk: Gray, Catherine: 9781912023387: Books. They are witty, non-preachy and real. I recognised a lot of myself in Catherine Gray.
I do sincerely apologise for the lengthy overly-personal essay. @WendyWagon - please do forgive me in your merciful wisdom for taking up so much deck-space.
And so, to return to my less-introspective reality, and better indicative of my posts more generally - here's a picture of the dog sh*gging a bluebell.
Strength and love to you all. x