New April continuing thread for living an alcohol free life - all welcome

[livingalivelife]

Hello! This is the continuation of a thread started originally by drybird, and subsequently continued by many fabulous and now sober mumsnetters. It's provides huge amounts of non-judgmental support, cameraderie and good humour to anyone venturing on an alcohol free life.

I've been on the thread several times, lapsed and been welcomed back, which I have hugely appreciated. This time I am determined to stay AF and I'm now on day 44. There is so much experience here on offer - how to get through that first sober Friday night, family party, night out, festive celebration, work do etc etc. And also loads of info on great resources to help in the AF journey - podcasts, books, websites, different kinds of support groups and counselling, or going it alone - the emphasis is on whatever works for you.

This is a thread for those who are living alcohol free, and if you're looking to cut down (lucky you if you're one of those people can have one glass of wine and not think - what's the point of that?), there are other great threads elsewhere in the alcohol topic for moderate drinking.

Looking forward to more clearheaded, shamefree mornings and sober adventures ahead ...

I hope the memorial service goes as well as it can @WendyWagon . I know what you mean about bereavement being a trigger. Sometimes I wonder what the sudden empty spaces are, like when you forget what you went upstairs for, then I realise that it's a space where a drink would have used to have gone. Sometimes there's a moment of serenity to be found there, sometimes a feeling waiting to be acknowledged. Weird.
Today I am dropping off a print for a local open call. Sobriety has been very good for my creativity.
Happy Hump Day all.

Hello all. Hope you are having a good day.

Thank you for the kind words about the dog. He has forgiven me for his recent dalliance with the vet - I am lucky to have him; he is a benevolent soul. Currently fiddling with himself under my desk as I write.

@Leelaseye - thanks for explaining! I don't know Futurama that well (although I did shed a tear at the episode where the guy's dog waits for him after he disappears). In Dr. Who in the 70s (Tom Baker), he had a cavewoman-type companion called Leela. Her character had brown eyes but the actress playing her had to wear contact lenses to achieve this. It caused her a lot of grief, so they wrote into an episode a bit where her character got shot by a laser, which turned her eyes blue (like the actress's real eyes). I retain this sort of knowledge. Terribly good at pub quizzes, but you wouldn't want to be on my table at a wedding reception, hehe... Well done on getting up courage to go to the office. I well recall the knots of dread in the stomach. Not easy. ❤

@WendyWagon hope the memorial went OK, or as well as these things do anyway.

I had my annual GP check-up yesterday. It was with a locum as last minute GP replacement was also off sick. But went very well. Booze not even mentioned. That's a win for me. Also, local cricket starts up again on Saturday. I find that particularly helpful. Even though the team I follow is rarely secure of victory, it's a valuable distraction. I need to keep busy on Saturdays. And the dog likes it too.

@Crunchymum 800 days, that's amazing. In awe of everyone who keeps the faith. It can be done with strength and courage. Fantastic.

Strength and love to all. xx

evening all, check in on day 19. DD2's 14th birthday - would usually have had a bottle of fizz and oodles of wine at a restaurant but have avoided. so another milestone. got a wedding on friday. DP was asking me if i'm going to drink and i found myself saying ' i don't know'.

i have had plenty of clare pooley pink cloud moments where i've felt almost high about not drinking but feel like pride comes before a fall and can't i just have some fucking champagne at a wedding please? why did i muck up alcohol so much that i can't do that?

@WendyWagon hope the memorial was manageable.

@REP22 hope lovely DDog is over the encounter with the vet

@Onewildandpreciouslife really chimed with that post about feeling free bring the real prize

@Starlia keep on putting one foot in front of the other sobriety wise

@ShyMaryEllen hope you are ok

to all the long termers posting inspirational support for small timers like me thank you.

had some bad health news about one of the kids this week which i'm too tired to post right now in full right now but she needs a serious spinal op so bracing ourselves for challenging times.

trying to remember that you need to be strong and not drunk for those kind of times.

love to all xx

@Blackberryblossom thanks for the reminder that sobriety leaves more room for creativity i totally get that! feel a bit pathetic that my hobby has been drinking for the last 30 years. how boring is that?

Thanks, @ponzusoup , I’m ok. Sorry to hear about your child’s operation - it’s such a worry when something happens to kids. You’re right that it will be hard not to reach for a bottle, but also right that you need to be there, and sober, for your son or daughter.

You’re also right about creativity and headspace for doing things just for you. I’ve been much more creative since I stopped, and it’s amazing what you can do with all the time that used to be spent drinking or agonising over what you might have said or done when you were drunk. There’s far more satisfaction in it, too.

Hello Everyone 👋. I noticed the new thread in active. Its great to see so many familiar names still going storng, and loads of new ones too.

Good on you @livingalivelife for hosting the thread while still in the relatively early stages of your alcohol free life, it's a great tactical move for you, as well as a service to everyone else here.

I'm still loving the sober life, my only regret is not doing it sooner - but then, it only works once you are really ready.

Good to see you @Drybird2020 ! Glad you’re keeping well.

The wedding will be a challenge @ponzusoup , but we can do hard things.

Morning all.
Sadly I felt unwell late morning so didn't go to the memorial. The thought of death made me very tearful and I didn't want to embarrass myself. I doubt if there would have been booze but I couldn't risk it. Later on my health really took a turn for the worse so a wise move.
Lovely to see @Drybird2020, best name ever.
@ponzusoup you are doing so well

@ponzusoup you didn't muck up alcohol, alcohol and its team of willing enablers mucked up you. It sounds like a challenging week to be AF this early in your AF life. Not withstanding that, you're crushing it! I hope your dd2 had a great birthday!
How is your child doing who needs the op?

And yes, my hobbies are soaring without booze. Capable of so much more than I thought.
@WendyWagon take it easy if you can. Give yourself time to recover.

@ponzusoup clarification of my poor language choice above - it is alcohol and the alcohol industry that will have shaped your relationship with it. It's addictive, and there is a whole industry invested in keeping us drinking in a way that we don't see for most other harmful products (excepting sugar and processed foods). Just imagine if smoking was as socially acceptable and relentlessly marketed as alcohol - all the cigs you want at a bottomless brunch, or happy hour with half price cigarettes, we'd definitely think twice. That was definitely the case for me. Could write loads but need to get on, so just to say you're doing great. And yes be angry, but be angry at the right people (hint, the right people is not you). 💐

Morning all. Hope the weather is a bit warmer where you are - it's sunny here, but still quite nippy.

Hello @Drybird2020 - big waves to you. Thank you so much for the thread that you founded that's continuing here, it's SUCH a helpful place for me, I'm very thankful.

Sorry you're poorly and didn't make the memorial @WendyWagon. Rest easy and mend well soon. Memorials are more for the living than the person being memorialised - I'm sure they wouldn't have minded. Look after yourself lovely lady. x

I agree with @ShyMaryEllen and @Blackberryblossom about creativity and better abilities when sober. My garden is tidier, house is cleaner, dog is happier, etc. I wrote an article for a local magazine yesterday (the first in a while) and for the first time in ages I felt a bit of pride in it rather than "f~~k it, that'll do". I will also add into the mix the sober morning feeling, without the knot of dread at having to face the day in a weakened state, the concern of what I might have said/done/posted online the previous evening, the unexplained bruises and marks on walls/furniture, the appreciation of what food tastes like, etc., etc., etc., ad infinitum... I keep telling myself that all these things are worth not ingesting poison for in order to have a small percentage of time spent in "happy" oblivion. Rarely easy but always ultimately worth it.

@ponzusoup I am so, so sorry to hear about your child's health. How upsetting for you all. I wish you all the strength in the days ahead. Keep us posted - we will all be with you in what is to come and for their recovery. I don't think you are a "small timer". You are strong and courageous (even though it probably doesn't feel like that) for coming this far - so very many never get beyond day 2 or 3 - and getting through your DD2's birthday dinner. A lovely evening with her very own Sober Mummy was a wonderful gift to her (and yourself) and, I'm sure, a treasured memory for the years ahead. You're a great encourager. Hope all goes OK at the wedding. You won't be the only one not drinking. I'm not sure that my tactic would be best for everyone - I'd tell myself and anyone who asked "I might", but turn it down in the moment. Give myself permission to have one, but choose not to take it. Hopefully they'll have some lovely AF options. Or you could take one and pour it strategically onto the chair seat reserved for a particularly grating relative (there's always one; usually several in my case - ah, the agony of choice...😉hours of fun guaranteed)...

The dog has forgiven me fully; he is not a man to bear a grudge. To illustrate this, here he is the other day, fiddling with himself against an obliging twig in the woods:

We've all done it (some of us more than once). Muppet - he looks like he's auditioning for an all-canine remake of Jaws.

Strength and love to you all. xx

Hello @Drybird2020 ! Am honoured to have you drop in on us and see what a wonderful thing you created here. Thankyou.

I agree 100% with @Blackberryblossom @REP22 and everyone (re)finding their creativity. Absolutely and there is very little space for creativity when alcohol is around. I've found myself initiang a collaborative space with colleagues for creative thinking that I have wondered about for ages but not had the guts to do anything about. Now I am and it's going really well and I am making something that inspires other people and they want to get involved in! It feels great! (Maybe volunteering to take on the thread was similar for me - putting myself out there in a creative way i couldn't when iwas hungover/ashamed etc etc you know the drill, most of the time.)

@WendyWagon sorry you missed the memorial service but i'm glad you took care of yourself in relation to your physical and mental health and your sobriety. it can take guts to say no.

Have a great day all. Could do with the weather cheering up but at least the sober evenings are light.

@ponzusoup your daughter's birthday dinner sounds really lovely. I am sorry you are having such a worrying time. look after yourself for the wedding, and do what you need to do to take care of your sobriety. you come first.

I know the firsts are really hard - weddings, birthdays, holidays and so on - but they really do strengthen our sober muscles, so each time is easier than the one before. If we can power on through it pays dividends in the end.

I am having to be strong just now, as having found out that I have fibrosis and not cirrhosis there is a real temptation to think I could be a social drinker and reset things to before I had a problem. I can't. I know that. I could have one drink now and then, but if I had a drink every time I went out I would very soon be having a bottle, and we know the rest. I'm surprised at how tempting it is though. For years I just haven't had a drink, and didn't miss it after the first few weeks, but now I'm starting to. I'm having friends over tonight, and was really tempted to get enough wine for me to have a drink with them. I didn't, and I will stick to AF fizz as usual, but I never used to even think about it.

It doesn't look as though my medical records will be updated either. I've seen the letter from the liver clinic to the GP, and it still has cirrhosis as my diagnosis, which is very discouraging. Apart from the insurance implications, there is a psychological impact. My next clinic appointment is in 6 months, although they are often further apart than that, so there won't be an opportunity to discuss it for a while. I'd really like that diagnosis to be amended on paper, and it's frustrating to know that my life is in the hands of people who have philosophies on things, if that makes sense. The liver nurse was a bit reluctant to order the fibroscan, as she believes that there is no real difference between cirrhosis and fibrosis, as both represent scarring. There is though. Cirrhosis is progressive, where fibrosis is not (assuming the patient doesn't add to it that is). My initial diagnosis was based on an ultrasound and bloods, so the new test is much more accurate, and my bloods are normal. Just not having to declare it when I go to the dentist, the pharmacy, the bloody podiatrist FFS would be great, and I shouldn't have to be at the mercy of people's points of view.

Sorry to be 'me me me'. I'm feeling very flat today.

@ShyMaryEllen I'm so sorry. That must be like being repeatedly kicked, again and again. I wonder if you could write to your GP, explaining what you have said in your post? I think they then also have to keep that letter in your file. It might or might not prompt a more timely review, but it wouldn't hurt to make your point. I appreciate the difference between the two conditions and what it means, in every sense. You're not wrong.

I know what you mean about it triggering a desire to drink. The "Oh, FFS" quotient is rendered much higher by these things; I have been there myself. Please don't. I know that's easy to say, and so hard to feel, but you have come so far, and you might risk doing further damage for only relatively few sips. Plus you will hate yourself afterwards. But I am no-one to talk. At the moment the desire in me is strong - at the most dire moments I am internally repeating the mantra "nope - blood-in-wee, blood-in-wee, blood-i.... etc." [sincere apologies if TMI, but 'tis a fate that awaits if things go too far]. That is helping me at the moment.

You are strong, @ShyMaryEllen , you've got this. It is horrible just now, really horrible. But it will be alright soon. It's OK to have flat days and it's certainly OK to post about yourself. You really don't need to apologise to us. We completely get it. It's shit and we get it. You're doing the best you can and that's alright.

Keep going. You are worth fighting for. We all are. Sadly the battle is generally often with ourselves, not over personal flaws or actions, but what the booze has done to us and deceived us into believing. The you that you are inside is a very good person to be. Keep going for her. ❤

And I promise not to post another picture of the dog shagging a bluebell again. xx

@ShyMaryEllen I'm sorry you're feeling crap and sorry that a nurse's bloody viewpoint has the ability to affect your life in that way. It's shit when people have power over things in our lives that they really shouldn't.
Please don't drink though. You're right. There is a big difference between fibrosis and cirrhosis and mentally I totally get why you want that recognised, but the drop from one to the other could possibly be a lot quicker and easier than you think. Try and think of it as having been given a gift of health you didn't think you'd have.
And it really is a gift that's not worth sacrificing for a few glasses of poison.
Remember how far you've come ❤️

Please carry on posting pics of your lovely dog 😎. My daughter has a Frenchie, and he's a sweetheart, too.

Thanks for the kind words, both of you. I won't drink, or I don't intend to, but I suppose the child in me is thinking that if I'm going to be labelled as having cirrhosis when I haven't, I won't be any worse off if I do drink. That's rubbish, obviously, but I'm not feeling very sensible. I'm reminding myself of how awful it is to have The Fear after a night out, and I really don't want to go back there. I don't want to let my children down either. Also, I've got used to thinking that having cirrhosis isn't too bad, but that's because I haven't had it😀. If I drink and progress that way it will be a different ball game.

I'll see my GP in three months, as I need to have bloods taken for anaemia and he'll want to review them. He's been very understanding - he's the one who I spoke to first about my drinking - but I think the hospital team and the surgery are separate entities these days, and the consultant leaves things to the liver nurses. I can ask if the GP will speak to the consultant though - it will carry more weight than a message from me, I guess.

@ShyMaryEllen thank you, hehe!

Re: "the child in me is thinking that if I'm going to be labelled as having cirrhosis when I haven't, I won't be any worse off if I do drink." - I can very much identify with this.

In my own disordered thinking it goes along the lines of "A serious alcoholic is someone lying face down in the municipal gardens. I have never found myself face down in the municipal gardens = therefore I do not have a serious alcohol problem". Or alternatively, in an AA meeting - "I am not as bad as those poor people. Therefore I do not have a serious alcohol problem and can continue to drink".

Lies, all lies I tell myself to make it seem OK or justify another bottle. But the truth is, I AM as bad, if not worse, than these unfortunate people. At my very worst I was probably drinking much more than the poor s~ds lying face down in the flowerbeds, it's just that other fortunes, choices and lifestyle options made it easier to mask. With the amounts I was getting through at my worst points, I have absolutely no business being alive today. But it's so, so easy to forget that and think "ah well... I deserve it...". For me, it is quite a childlike mentality, the ease of comforting myself with "just" a little sweet, without the adult/parent thinking about what will happen when the tin is empty and my fillings have fallen out. And also a bit of a 'boiling frog' scenario... "visibly drunk" becomes not too bad... "drunk and disorderly" becomes not too bad... coughing up a bit of blood in the morning becomes not too bad, it doesn't happen every morning... and so on, until we hit the Reality of the End scenario (another grim and salutary thread on here). I am always honest in life, 100%, with any and everyone. Except to myself. My capacity for self-delusion is really quite astounding, and nothing to be proud of.

But this is all just stuff I say to myself. @ShyMaryEllen you've got it sorted; you'll be OK. It will be alright. Keep on keeping on. 🙂

@ShyMaryEllen that is really tough. I have that feeling of: this or that or the other means that I'm justified, even more that I ought to have a drink, because otherwise I'll be boring or wehay it's Friday night or that's what we always do at family parties or whatever. it is SO HARD, and I'm trying to attend to the voice as soon as I hear it rather than to squash it - which I think is more likely to end in me drinking. I'm so sorry you can't get your diagnosis changed and I hope that you do manage to. In the meantime - you've got this. If you feel like you're going to drink - post here, post again, I'll answer if I can - others will be here too. Your recent posts have been very helpful on here, and helped loads of people, you can see the response you've got. i hope you can use the rest of us now. Take care.

@livingalivelife yes, that little inner voice can be deafening at times. I get the "you'll be boring", "It's Friday", "you've coped with this work situation, you deserve it" versions. Deceivers all.

Thank goodness for this thread. I apologise for posting more than usual - I'm finding this space particularly valuable at the moment - I mean, it's always valuable - it's just keeping me going ATM, hearing from others and offering my own stuff.

Love to you all. x

Post away @REP22 - that's what the thread is here for. And sometimes we need just to keep saying things and know someone is listening. You can do this.

thanks all for the support and kind words. really big. cravings this evening out of nowhere. DP is out and i actually found myself contemplating pouring some gin in my kombucha ! i haven't tho.

@ShyMaryEllen hold on tight we have got you. can you directly request a change to your records for the reasons you give? a good liver nurse GP would get that surely?

you're doing a good job of playing it forward when imagining having just one or two drinks. i know if i do that a) i'll quickly be back on spirits and b) the pain in my right side will come back. dunno if it's liver gallstone or pancreas but it's almost gone since i stopped drinking. so whatever your liver is doing now it will only get worse again if you drink. it's still very very hard tho when you start to feel better you almost want to celebrate .. with booze ... and thus the conundrum continues. it's a truly wicked one.

i feel privileged to have been accepted here with such kindness and encouragement. you are all brilliant. let's keep. keeping on together ladies 💜

@WendyWagon so sorry you've had a tough day. sending love
be kind to yourself.
@Onewildandpreciouslife i love your mantra ' we can do hard things'. we so bloody can!

@REP22 your dog is a godsend!!! hope you're ok. you are a veritable source of great stories and wonderful wisdom. we need you as you are.

Hi all - I’m a lurker but have to post about a dream I’ve just woken up from. I dreamt that I was home in my mums and drank. I was so upset with myself. I’ve woken up with a slight headache.
I’ve just done 111 days and am committed to sobriety so in my dream I was upset. But now that I’ve woken up I’m even more so.
Sorry to butt in - I’ll go back to lurking and cheering you all on secretly.