New April continuing thread for living an alcohol free life - all welcome

[livingalivelife]

Hello! This is the continuation of a thread started originally by drybird, and subsequently continued by many fabulous and now sober mumsnetters. It's provides huge amounts of non-judgmental support, cameraderie and good humour to anyone venturing on an alcohol free life.

I've been on the thread several times, lapsed and been welcomed back, which I have hugely appreciated. This time I am determined to stay AF and I'm now on day 44. There is so much experience here on offer - how to get through that first sober Friday night, family party, night out, festive celebration, work do etc etc. And also loads of info on great resources to help in the AF journey - podcasts, books, websites, different kinds of support groups and counselling, or going it alone - the emphasis is on whatever works for you.

This is a thread for those who are living alcohol free, and if you're looking to cut down (lucky you if you're one of those people can have one glass of wine and not think - what's the point of that?), there are other great threads elsewhere in the alcohol topic for moderate drinking.

Looking forward to more clearheaded, shamefree mornings and sober adventures ahead ...

Morning lads,
Up a bit earlier.
I did manage a waitrose run with the DH. I bought the peach juice.

@HoldingMyselfAccountable i had a mad dream the night before and I'm over two years in. Do post when you like, it helps others. We chat about all sorts. Just getting things off your chest could stop the f*ck it, I need a drink thoughts.

I'm loving the dual basket air fryer. The DD is now using it, the son still grumping we spent money! Cheeky sod.

@ShyMaryEllen I was refused life insurance due to attending alcohol support in 2016. Luckily my DH has family cover. However as my readings are normal I found it judgy and bloody frustrating.

Bum sitting today and out tomorrow.

Come on in, @HoldingMyselfAccountable ! No need to lurk.

Drinking dreams are a sign of something - I can’t remember what now, but it’s not that you are craving booze - not even subconsciously. Maybe it’s that you are feeling a loss of control in some area of your life? Being drunk is on the one hand a way to blot that out, but on the other it is a huge loss of control in itself, so the dream could be about that. I think drinking dreams are quite common though, even after so long. 111 days is amazing - well done for that!

Can you either enjoy the dream as a harmless way to drink, but not something you’d do awake (a bit like dreaming of sex with a colleague/neighbour/actor of choice)? Or as a nightmare that you’d do anything to avoid? I do know that vivid dreams are a way of the brain rewiring after years of being shut down. They’re a good sign. I had really vivid dreams at first and I loved it - it was like a free cinema ticket. Just go with it. If you dreamed of swimming with crocodiles you wouldn’t feel the need to do it awake, even if you liked it in the dream. This is the same.

I didn’t give in last night, although there was wine left in the bottle when I tidied up after they’d gone. I used to tell myself that was a waste, and would absolutely have ‘had a nightcap to relax’ before bed, but whereas there was a fleeting moment of lust for it I defaulted to my now usual routine of checking if there was anything left in my bottle of AF fizz and pouring that instead. I think the flirtation with having a drink might have passed. I hope so.

Cross posted @WendyWagon . The insurance thing is crazy isn’t it. We get cover as drinkers, when we are far more likely to claim, but when we stop we struggle with it. My friend’s husband used to fly all over the place with a very dodgy heart, but now he’s had a heart attack and has stents and new valves his insurance is off the scale. Luckily his work pays, but the principle’s the same.

Morning all. Thanks for the kind words @livingalivelife and @ponzusoup - very gratefully appreciated. x

Hello @HoldingMyselfAccountable - well done on your 111 days, that's fantastic. I have drinking dreams sometimes. Usually nightmares. They can seem so vivid and often hard to separate from reality. It's a deeply unpleasant experience. But it's OK - it's hard to master the subconscious mind and almost impossible to control what we see in dreams and shadows. They are not who you really are. It's OK. @WendyWagon's right - it helps to get these things out . Often, vampire-like, they cannot survive the daylight and dissolve away when exposed to the sun. Sending you hugs and solidarity.

@ShyMaryEllen that's brilliant, being able to resist the dregs. Especially late at night and when generally unobserved. What a fantastic victory. So easier said than done. I've fallen many times at the "I'll just finish it off" hurdle. I'm also starting to feel more positive about the flirtation and "I'll just..." mentality. Not easy but can be done.

I've not had to contend with insurance issues. But I am not unfamiliar with the level of frustration. Back when I knew I had a very serious drinking problem I decided to do the right and honest thing and voluntarily surrender my driving licence. I had never been stopped or had an incident, never even a speeding ticket or parking fine. But I felt it was right and correct in the situation I was then in. The DVLA wrote and thanked me and said that I was welcome to write and get it reinstated at any time in the future. Hmmm.... After recovering and with the full support of my GP, it took many, many months of questionnaires, tests, more tests, etc, ad infinitum, to get it reinstated. I was literally treated as a "High Risk Offender"; it was mortifying and deeply distressing. I live in a very rural location and my parent is not especially kind nor understanding. Buses here aren't great and when I needed to go to a new office location, 26 minutes away by car, it was two bus rides, a train, then an Uber - each way - taking over two hours (IF an Uber was available). It was horrible. Finally, only after I got my MP involved, I was given my licence back. But I still have to get it renewed annually, attend a full medical with blood tests, and be interviewed as a "High Risk Offender" every year. It's humiliating and upsetting. Someone I know actually did get caught and prosecuted for drink-driving and rightly banned by the courts. He got his licence back quicker than I did. 😢 I know I made the right decision at the time - I could never, ever have lived with myself if I had caused an accident or hurt someone. But it was a wretched time being penalised for having done the honest thing. And it haunts me still. No insurance problems, somewhat ironically though. But, as @WendyWagon says, the implied judgement and scrutiny is very, very hard to take.

I hope you have a nice weekend. First local cricket match of the season tomorrow, so I hope the weather gods are merciful.

Strength and love to you all. x

Welcome @HoldingMyselfAccountable and congratulations on 11 days. You are very welcome and i hope you'll find the thread super supportive and non-judgmental.

The insurance stories @ShyMaryEllen @REP22 @WendyWagon shine a bright light on how messed up our attitude to alcohol is as a society. it's a dangerous addictive drug, yet use is normalised and giving up seen as pathological.

Found myself flooded with SHAME yesterday for a variety of reasons. i'm always on a hair trigger to feel ashamed, and i realised loud and clear what a trigger to alcohol that has been for me. there's no doubt half a bottle of white would have magicked the horrible shame feelings away in the moment and it is such a dreadful feeling, i understand what a strong urge it is to get rid of it. but it's still there in the mornign, worse because i'll ahve done stupid and destructive things when drunk, and now i'm trying to deal with the root cause.

happy Friday night all. I have a quiet house, and it hasn't been too difficult not to think about alcohol but no complacency - that's when i can suddenly find myself thinking it's a good idea for some stupid reason or other.

Evening everyone - day 33 AF

What's everyone's plans for this weekend? Anyone have anything exciting happening? Any events/socials you're worried about?

Might take my little one to soft play tomorrow & seeing my mum on Sunday.
Apart from that just a simple weekend.
I'm still very much avoiding any social situations. At the moment not sure if that's good or bad? To avoid temptation or being tested I've just decided to shut out anything that could derail me. Not exactly a great plan long term but it feels safer right now.

Still battling the alcohol free option. Scared the 'taste' might trigger me. Bought a AF cider almost 2 weeks ago & it's still sat in the fridge!

I'm struggling a bit this evening. I don't know why but I can't get the thought out of my head that I'm boring and people must find me boring because I don't drink.
I went to a yoga gong bath a few days ago and found myself thinking it would have been better with psychedelics which is nuts because I haven't taken anything like that in like 25 years. I think it must be because I'm not drinking. When I was in my teens and early 20s I used to take a lot of recreational drugs at parties and actually didn't drink at all. I only started drinking when I stopped all that.
Now I keep imagining champagne and thinking to myself a couple of glasses can't hurt. But I know it wouldn't be a couple of glasses. Id finish the bottle telling myself it's a waste otherwise.
We're going away with a big group of friends next weekend and I know I'm going to find it really hard to say no.

@Manchestermummax3 , I definitely avoided going out in the evening for the first 6 weeks while I found my feet in a life with alcohol. Avoid those triggers as long as you need to would be my advice. Very best of luck!

I seem to have swapped one addiction for another (less damaging) one. I’m drinking Guinness Zero at a rate of knots. On the downside, it’s 200 calories a can. On the upside, I don’t miss booze at all.

Sorry you’re finding it tough @Itsrainingten . But seriously- have you spoken to any drunk people recently? They are sooo dull. DH has been out for a “long lunch” today, and has come home smelling foul - the smell of alcohol coming out of your pores is so grim. And then fell asleep on the sofa.

Dont worry about next weekend yet. For now, just take a sober Friday as the big win that it is.

@Manchestermummax3 - do whatever you feel you need to do to protect your sobriety. I found AF options really helpful, but not everyone does.

I'm sorry its a hard one @Itsrainingten. I totally understand what you mean about feeling boring.

It doesn't really make any sense though not really. I do know what a lot of the time my drunk self wasn't fun and funny I was for a glass or two and then I was too much, blunt, slurry.... I was also a lot of other things which I don't want to be any more.

@Manchestermummax3 I've avoided tricky things as well. Just over 50 days and avoiding my two closest friends to avoid drinking. @HappyAsAGrig I've switched wine for chocolate!

I don't want to come off as insulting your past self @Itsrainingten but I bet you a million quid you're better company sober!

I thought I was great company when I had a drink. In restrospect, nope, I am so, SO much better without it. I'm sharper, a better listener, enjoy the food and company more because my senses aren't muted and I never have anything to apologise for the next day. I'm more energetic too, so I'm up for longer evenings and more stuff.

I completely understand feeling we m ight be dull without the social lubrication of a drink or ten but he reality is we're so much better to be around.

Depending on how you count, I'm on Day 13 or dry 73 days out of 74.

I am honestly starting to see a life for myself free from alcohol - free from the weight of need, from the financially crippling addiction. I'm able to accept invitations in the evening I used to turn down because I needed to stay home and drink rather than risk spending time without access to booze. I am worth speaking to after 9pm where before I was a write off as I'd be drunk by then.

It's an amazing gift. Thank you to all the contributors of these threads who've helped me get to this point.

Morning all.
Up with one tea down and a cheese scone.
I can be terribly blunt. I'm a rubbish liar and when boozed up lots would come tumbling out. It's great not to have 'the fear' on a Saturday morning.

Full house at Wendy towers. DS has the girlfriend here. I wasn't introduced until he was sure I stopped drinking.
I still avoid a few friends who drink heavily. I have one friend who loved to push booze on me to watch the fall out. I only see her lunch times now and when I'm driving. It does give me a little boost because she always asks 'are you still not drinking?'
Orange af gin for me tonight.

@HappyAsAGrig that's amazing - congratulations! You are so right sober company and sober friends will be better!

I was turning down invites that didn't involve drinking or drinking enough (one drink). Bloody hell that's awful to think about.

I am 54 days and seeing some light as well. I have to tell one friend I've stopped drinking as she is the person I'm not likely to impulsively drink with. But I have stopped crying every day. Still crying, feeling low and anxious but not as bad. I think there were reasons I was drinking which I still need to work on.

I had 3 thank yous at work last week. (Which is unusual) I am not sure this is related to not drinking but I must be doing a better job not constantly hungover.

Waking up not feeling sick, anxious (well less anxious but no 3 am horrid wake ups!), and ashamed is such a gift.

Hope everyone has something nice planned for them this weekend.

Interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts re: being boring whilst not drinking. I’d thought that myself briefly but when I think of some of my behaviour once I’m past the 3 drink mark I definitely don’t think anybody would be considering me interesting and good company 🙃Good luck for the weekend ahead everyone!

I woke up blurry this morning and had the knee jerk “what did I drink, what did I say” feeling. Horrible!

When that passed, I realised it was that I’d had a dreadful night with joint pain and had been awake frequently, so it was just benign exhaustion rather than a hangover. A nap for me later, I think.

I hope today is brighter, @Womanshour . Wishing sunshine and good company to all of us on this sober road.

It's funny, I dreamt I was being chased by police last night (no idea why) and then woke in a panic at 4am or thereabouts. My first thought was a panicked "oh god I can't remember what happened" followed by the relief of realising that NOTHING happened. It was just a dream and I hadn't lost any memories.

Hope everyone is having a peaceful weekend. I am over £700 saved from booze now... I don't feel like I have this in my pocket but I know I would have found it to spend it. X

Morning lads.
One tea down.
@Womanshour well done
I used my first savings on red vein laser treatment. Then I did six months of therapy. Same value, £50+ per week on home booze.
I shall be cooking again then feet up.

I like the idea of therapy @WendyWagon x

@Womanshour I picked a therapist with experience of alcohol related issues. What I unpicked was a childhood of bullying and jealousy. I had always felt unwanted. Enough to drive anyone to drink! I highly recommend it. My DD studies psychology and she actively encouraged it. I definitely felt lighter as someone had listened to me. Things that came out I no longer revisit. Very freeing.

Morning all - 8 degrees and raining here - which is not ideal!

@Manchestermummax3 absolutely give yourself permission to avoid. Don't get on the train in the first place, as my new favourite soberlitter Laura McKowen says.

@Itsrainingten i hear you. I had that last night. These thoughts kept creeping back in: my right side doesn't hurt anymore therefore i can drink again; this can't be FOREVER right? - it's not feasible; everyone will think I'm no fun; I won't have any fun. I sternly talked them down. they are all seductive lies. my life is so much better for this sobriety is the truth. Use us for next weekend - are their ways you can take care of yourself? Another of L MacKowen's things is that we are taking care of our tiny baby selves in early sobriety and we need to give ourselves the same care and attention.

Well done @Womanshour that's brilliant you are starting to feel the benefits. I bet the nice work thankyous are related. RIght behind you on day 53. Agree with @WendyWagon about therapy. I'm having alot of it right now to address childhood trauma. It's hard work, but also freeing. Rejection is a big thing for me too. Helps have more compassion for why we drink too: feeling less alone with my warm fuzzy friend alcohol inside me. I'm working on making real connections with people.

@HappyAsAGrig I'm sorry about your joint pain and glad for your good feeling of not having The Shame. I hope you got in a good nap and feel better today. I'm sleeping all over the place right now. Narcoleptic. I just keep falling asleep, deeply!

Enjoy this Sober Sunday!

I don't feel any richer for not drinking, but I recognise that I would be a lot poorer if I still drank now the COL has gone up so much. I changed my lifestyle totally when I gave up, so there isn't an easy way to compare things like spending before and after. I left work and lived on savings until I could take my work pension early, and am now living on that (plus my very understanding husband) until I eventually get my state pension, although I do bits of work on a consultancy basis to top up the bank balance. Basically I lost my salary and gained the money I wasn't spending on wine, but I also stopped spending on a commute, work clothes, lunches and socialising after work and so on. I'll spend more on heating and house things, but my husband is older than me and also took early retirement, so he's in the house anyway a lot of the time. It's a nice life, and I realise I'm very lucky to be able to do it. It would have been so much harder to stop if I hadn't left work.

I've considered therapy, but I don't know if I can justify the cost. I feel guilty enough about all the money I've spent on wine over the years (I dread to think how much!) and as I only have a very small income of my own it doesn't seem fair to pay for it with my husband's money. He never objects to me buying things, but my guilt button is very easily pressed.

I don't know whether unearthing things would be very helpful anyway really. Wouldn't I have to deal with them all over again, and risk undoing seven years of sobriety? My childhood was unhappy and sometimes it seems easier just to not think about it, but maybe I'm wrong there. I avoided quit lit as I didn't want to be reading about drinking and reminding myself that I couldn't do it, which is the same sort of thinking I suppose. Maybe burying things is what led to the drinking in the first place though - I don't know.

Hello @ShyMaryEllen I think the main thing with sobriety is that it is personal and individual. What works for you is what works for you. FWIW, I find that therapy deals with things in a fundamental way so that, as @WendyWagon says, they can be forgotten rather than buried. burying wasn't working for me. i have more peace because of my therapy, and the prospect of more peace to come. although it's hard and painful work there is a rosy dawn in view, which I'm beginnning to experience.

that's what supports my sobriety; you've put in place a whole life structure which supports yours and works for you which is brilliant right? One thing I couldn't face is AA, partly because of the nature of my profession and also because I think i'm a bit too individualistic maybe?

Thanks for your posts which i find inspirational and helpful.

I slathered my joints in (rather greasy and hideously expensive ) CBD balm last night and I got 8 hours solid sleep - hurray!

Horrible day here too, @livingalivelife , so no garden work on the cards for me. I might make some cookies and prep the cinnamon roll dough for my son's birthday breakfast later this week. Baking and cooking in advance when joint pain is not so bad helps me cope when it's a particularly rough day.

I know booze doesn't help with my pain management - which was my big fear when thinking about sobriety - but it did blunt how much it bothered me. Finding new ways to cope with chronic pain is my main project these days.

I can totally understand how therapy would make a masive difference to your life in sobriety, @WendyWagon and living. I had it for some years and it completely changed my thinking and my quality of life. I no longer live with an endless self-critical narration in my head and it's wonderful. Best of luck!

I think therapy is a very personal thing. I went in with the view I know why I drink but it was something entirely different. It was worth it just to get validation of why I felt my family were horrible to me. A lot of it was my sisters jealousy and my mother's game playing. My mother died years ago and I don't speak to my sister. She gave my fully fledged legally cautioned stalker my address (his gf is friends with her son in law). I will never forgive that and it is sad especially after our younger brother died last year but the violence towards me as a child was sadistic. She's controlling of everyone around her so nothing happy there.
I know with my friends that those who remain like me. In my sobriety I can sniff trouble more easily and with grown up DC I no longer have to deal with nosy and competitive mums. Get me to retirement and I shall be as happy as Larry. The DH and I even discussed bus passes yesterday! 😄