New April continuing thread for living an alcohol free life - all welcome

[livingalivelife]

Hello! This is the continuation of a thread started originally by drybird, and subsequently continued by many fabulous and now sober mumsnetters. It's provides huge amounts of non-judgmental support, cameraderie and good humour to anyone venturing on an alcohol free life.

I've been on the thread several times, lapsed and been welcomed back, which I have hugely appreciated. This time I am determined to stay AF and I'm now on day 44. There is so much experience here on offer - how to get through that first sober Friday night, family party, night out, festive celebration, work do etc etc. And also loads of info on great resources to help in the AF journey - podcasts, books, websites, different kinds of support groups and counselling, or going it alone - the emphasis is on whatever works for you.

This is a thread for those who are living alcohol free, and if you're looking to cut down (lucky you if you're one of those people can have one glass of wine and not think - what's the point of that?), there are other great threads elsewhere in the alcohol topic for moderate drinking.

Looking forward to more clearheaded, shamefree mornings and sober adventures ahead ...

Thank you @EastCoastDamsel and @WendyWagon ❤I think problematic childhoods/family are a common theme among some of us - see also Stately Homes and Narc. Mums threads... Almost word-for-word similarities. There's also a good chapter in Catherine Grey's book about her own contributory background that was very telling - so much was familiar, sadly.

Still bafflement at the hospital yesterday. Another two weeks of antibiotics (yayy). And then we'll see again. Happy days.

@Womanshour that's a brilliant milestone. Well done on a fantastic victory! 🏆

@EastCoastDamsel I don't think you're an enabler, it sounds like you're being kind and tolerant with your DH. He's making his own decisions and you're clearly not being an a--e with him about it. It sounds like you make a great team. 🙂

I am a personal believer in an "addictive personality" type, whether it's a substance or knowledge - if I'm visiting somewhere I look and find out all there possibly is to know about the place, or if there's a film based on actual events that I liked, then I will read up about the subject as much as I can. I, too, have never really dabbled in 'other substances' - because, like you, I know what could happen if I liked them too much. I did occasionally partake of The Devil's Lettuce in my acting days (it was a bit of an after-show backstage feature). But I know what I'm like...

Strength and love to all. x

Well done, @Womanshour ! 100 days is a real achievement.

Fantastic news @Womanshour! Well done!
Any words of wisdom for someone on day 29? What can I look forward to?

Thanks everyone! @GrannyOfDragons I still feel like i am just starting out so I am not sure I'm the best person but I can share the bits that have helped me... I'm sorry I'm not sure I'll say anything you haven't heard before but...

1. Just focus on a day at a time (and moments on the crap days).
2. Plan for the trigger moments (Friday night, firsts like first nights out etc). I state I'm not drinking before so I get it out the way. And I plan treat sober drinks. I'm personally not up for alcohol replacements but some people here find them helpful.
3. Progress (whatever that is for you) takes time. My mental health wasn't great before stopping it has taken a while and possibly got a bit more intense before it slowly started to improve but it has. I have started to feel happy at times it's felt ages since I felt happy.
4. The moments I want to drink I remind myself that I can't just have one. And by having one all I do is start a horrible evening of trying to slow down (and not look like i have a problem) and at the same time feel drunk enough (which is what i felt i needed) which of course isn't possible so I always get it wrong.
5. I started getting awful nose bleeds they really scared me that my alcohol use was catching up with me. That scared me enough to make it through the early days.
6. Quit lit! Loved the sober diary's I cried though it and the unequected joy of being sober.

Day 29 is amazing huge congratulations you have got some tough days done! X

Morning all. Thanks for the tips @WendyWagon. Just finished This Naked Mind so going to get Sober Diaries audiobook to listen to in my walks.

@REP22 yeah, I am similar. I throw myself into something completely. Same happened when I started running just before lockdown in 2022. Went all out, completely immersing myself in all aspects of running which culminated in running a 56mile ultra marathon in August 2022.

Since then I stopped running, increased my drinking and was diagnosed with hypertension.

I have started running again (partly as a displacement activity and partly for self-care) but I think it is probably a healthier obsession than booze.

@Womanshour congratulations on 100 days! absolutely fantastic achievement. that's a great list too - one I'll refer back to and will keep in mind for newbies on the thread. (maybe you'll write the next great quitlit!😀xx)

I was like that too @EastCoastDamsel did a marathon once years ago, all out, training 6 days a week. ran the marathon in a good time and have run a handful of times since. all or nothing.i would love to be able to enjoy running in moderation - without that slightly insane marathon goal i find it merely boring. and painful .. i also know that i'm lucky not to have been exposed to hard drugs in my life - me and heroin or cocaine would not have gone well to put i mildly.

@REP22 i hope things get resolved soon and that the antibiotics work. x thanks for your good wishes, and @ponzusoup too - i can't tell you how nice it is that people are thinking about me. mother issues - i expect very little! when i post here about my stressy work week and you respond it makes me cry!(should say i have a really lovely and supportive DH and DCs - it's something about the support of women that's been missing, i haven't been able to ask for and receive and it's really moving to me. thankyou.

big theme for many of us i know - i'm learning to lean into the anxiety and other difficult feelings. then find that i get through the other side (without the stinking booze) and it wasn't such a catastrophe after all.

@GrannyOfDragons 29 days is awesome. you've done the hardest bit and it keeps getting better. xx

@Itsrainingten that sounds hard. keep posting. i have this - my DP drinks not as badly as i did, but i think more than he should. it's not easy.

@WendyWagon well done on driving a bit. thinking of you in your garden. i hope work situation progresses. x

Have a great day all even if it is mid June at 15 degrees!!!

Also guys I asked for helpwith my work situation! A new thing for me. I said I was overwhelmed and needed extra time to do the things I have to deliver. Guess what - it was fine. Still feel wobbly and that I'll be judged for being useless but it's a step towards being ordinarily vulnerable.

Haha, just realised that this looks like I went from 0 to 56 miles in 2022. Typo though, I started running in 2020

That’s a lovely list @Womanshour . That comment about starting to feel happy- it’s so true. In the Sober Diaries much-quoted piece on the field of fluffy bunnies she says it takes 100 days to see it, and 6 months to get there. Our brain’s ability to reset its baseline levels of anxiety and happiness if we “just” stop drinking is remarkable.

My running increased with getting sober @EastCoastDamsel and @livingalivelife . The mental tricks of getting sober and running are so similar- get comfortable with being uncomfortable, run the mile you’re in, consistency. That, and I needed something to do with all the extra time in the morning!

I can’t run at the moment- seeing the physio on Friday- so having to sit more with those pesky feelings! I can really recommend “Running won’t save you” by Alli Bailey - she was running extreme ultras while having serious alcohol issues, and is really helpful on addressing underlying issues (and the love of a good dog),

Yay to asking for help @livingalivelife !

Sorry- the book is called There is No Wall

Morning all.
Some great lists.
I get the happiness. Just before I gave up alcohol I was contemplating a divorce!. I was seriously unhappy. Within a few months I realised it was me not him. My mind was on a permanent loop of alcohol (buy booze, drink it, recover, repeat).
Any trouble, more booze. Any stress more booze. I had two friends around me that were single and unhappy. Their solution was alcohol and I joined the party.
I see neither now and I hear they are still big drinkers.
Within a few months I started to examine my unhappiness and it was about other events in my past. I did have therapy and I can say it took about six months to feel happy again. I made plans to bring more joy into my life.
I would never want to waste my days under the blankets feeling like hell and denying it to the DH and DC. I was great at lying to myself and them.
The best quote for me is the Ossy Osbourne one. I'm not a teenager so why act like one?

@livingalivelife I've applied for local big cheese job. Three mile commute. That would be fab.

I get that @WendyWagon - booze keeping us thinking we're the victim and then realising oh shit I think I may be the problem here ...

I hope the job works out x

hello ladies. just checking in. been the usual busy with work and family life. think i am 47 days. well done on reaching 100 @Womanshour and well done to all of us whatever day we are on.

got a tricky friend reunion this weekend which is generally booze. central so girding my loins to get through it. am slowly telling people i'm sober but scares me a bit in case i break it.

@livingalivelife well done on asking for help at work. i think there's probably a thread that runs through dependent drinkers that finds it hard to ask for help and so we squash the stress down with drink.

@EastCoastDamsel keep going you're doing brilliantly. i think i can feel my brain healing as the days go by sober - just feel sharper, less anxious ( mostly) and more on an even keel. sleeping better, a nicer person to be around.

@REP22 have just got hold of a copy of catherine grays book so will be starting that this weekend. hope your doggie is well ( and you!) my doggie is bringing me a lot of joy and comfort at the moment as the teenagers can be a challenge. ( they can also be glorious) . also hope things end up ok at the breast clinic

@WendyWagon local cheese company sounds rather promising hope it progresses if you want it to.

@Onewildandpreciouslife well done on sitting with tricky feelings whilst not being able to run. i feel like i am getting much better at that.

another thing that i feel has moved in the right direction for me since being sober is reducing the need to people please. really feel ok not jumping to help/ appease/ make other people feel ok. will still obviously help a friend in need but really feeling the benefits of not overloading myself with obligations that probably were even there in the first place!

shout to @ShyMaryEllen and @Loubelle70 and @Crunchymum and @HappyAsAGrig

@Itsrainingten my DH is also generally a moderate drinker so hope yours gets his lid back on it.

@NextPhaseOfLife you ok?

onward ladies xx

Ah @livingalivelife - I have been trying to get into Taylor Swift (to keep up with my daughter) and put AntiHero on my running playlist without listening to it first.

Big ugly crying when “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me” kicked in!

Hey everyone, hey @ponzusoup - thanks for asking 💕

I feel like 7 weeks tomorrow which is great.
I know what you mean about being scared to telling friends you're not drinking.

I've done a few now - reactions range from 'brilliant, I'd like to cut down', to "why? What's wrong, are you ok/did you have a problem".

I just say it's been coming for a longtime, I realised booze wasn't suiting me anymore, and I am loving it.

I'm quite firm so no one has tried to tempt me so far.

What reactions have you found?

@ponzusoup i hear ya about the people pleasing, i dont do it anymore... however ..Its difficult though isnt it?.
Ive been thinking, every year i make a liqueur for xmas present to a friend, for the last ten year but this year i feel i cant do that but i dont want to make a big thing of not making her one, shes a good friend but not whereas im going to bare all....i also dont want alcohol in the house but don't want to stop doing something she looks forward to every xmas...any ideas? I dont want to tell her my battle with booze.

@Loubelle70 that's a dilemma. can you just buy her something else? if she asks why you can just say you thought you'd change things up a bit? do you feel you need to explain any more than that? this is the sort of thing we people pleasers need to work on , being brave enough not to do the things other people want that are detrimental to us. a gift is a gift and is nice to get pretty much whatever it is !

Absolutely, agree. Thankyou .Definitely still the people pleaser with some but shes a good un. Thing is we biy each other loads at xmas and she gets excited every year about the liqueur i make as i come up with new recipes every year. I think i can buy her a bottle of say flavoured irish cream and leave it in shed until she comes?. Lol that sounds nuts. Im not one for drinking anything thats in just that i want to feel fresh if you get me

My guess @Loubelle70 is that she’s more excited about the effort and thought you put in than the fact it’s alcohol. Can you create another sort of edible gift- flavoured olive oils, or hand made chocolates?

This sounds like a good solution. Or some sort of flavouring to add to Prosecco - a home-made cordial type of thing?

You could get a small chocolate gin or something delivered direct, if you really want to get her alcohol.

This is exactly what I thought. It's the fact that you made it that she's excited about. How about a couple of jars of homemade chutney and buy her some interesting cheese to go with it?

What a lovely thing to do each year @Loubelle70 . I agree with @Onewildandpreciouslife and @Itsrainingten I am sure that your friend appreciates the thought, time and effort rather than the booze per se.

With the summer in the horizon, perhaps you could make her some conserves?

I felt really exhausted yesterday like that feeling you have in the first trimester of pregnancy where you feel like you've been hit by a ton of bricks! It was so bad I needed to come have a nap at 3pm after my last Teams meeting of the day.

So grateful to have a WFH role so that I could allow myself that little break.

I am feeling a bit guilty because I am usually a very hard worker, like sitting down at my desk at 8:30am, lunch at desk, work to 18:30 every day.

Then to wind down form all of that I would pour myself a large glass of wine (or a stiff G&T)

Since deciding to go AF I have taken a step back and am never at work before 9am and clock off most days by 5pm. Plus I am taking a proper lunch break to do a few chores around the house/walk the dogs etc.

Thankyou everyone for your suggestions. I used to make her a few liqueurs a year and handmade sweets lol...i just make one thing now as its too much for me. I think i will do as you all said, im going to make her a little hamper and forego the booze xxxx

Morning all.
@Loubelle70 it will be become easier to tell people you find being around alcohol difficult. No one takes much notice of me anymore. I have a group of new friends who don't know me as a drinker.

I had a great afternoon yesterday. I watched the whole of a certain period drama. Loved it. It cleared my mind of anger (still not paid by the current company) and the need to numb it. I actually had a few slices of cheddar but I didn't need wine.
I am grateful for every sober day and guilt free morning.
Friday is our no cook night. That's another plus.
Stay firm ladies.

Morning all

@Onewildandpreciouslife someone once said to me: guilt comes to an end. Meaning - yes we take our responsibility and sometimes we need to feel
Guilty but it can then be over.

@NextPhaseOfLife I reckon most people aren't bothered. In my family it's seen as a bit weird but if I don't respond, they suck it up.

@ponzusoup yes re the people pleasing. A lot of the themes many of us seem to identify with centre around feeling acceptable just as we are. I think this thread is super helpful in that way. I feel accepted here even when I had my lapse.

@Loubelle70 tricky! But as @ponzusoup says maybe the priority is to do what's right for you - you can still give your friend a lovely thoughtful present.

Down to work for me now x