New April continuing thread for living an alcohol free life - all welcome

[livingalivelife]

Hello! This is the continuation of a thread started originally by drybird, and subsequently continued by many fabulous and now sober mumsnetters. It's provides huge amounts of non-judgmental support, cameraderie and good humour to anyone venturing on an alcohol free life.

I've been on the thread several times, lapsed and been welcomed back, which I have hugely appreciated. This time I am determined to stay AF and I'm now on day 44. There is so much experience here on offer - how to get through that first sober Friday night, family party, night out, festive celebration, work do etc etc. And also loads of info on great resources to help in the AF journey - podcasts, books, websites, different kinds of support groups and counselling, or going it alone - the emphasis is on whatever works for you.

This is a thread for those who are living alcohol free, and if you're looking to cut down (lucky you if you're one of those people can have one glass of wine and not think - what's the point of that?), there are other great threads elsewhere in the alcohol topic for moderate drinking.

Looking forward to more clearheaded, shamefree mornings and sober adventures ahead ...

Good afternoon all,

Well, this is embarassing, what with me hosting the thread. Fell properly off the wagon last night. There was a coming together of a variety of triggering circumstances, plus my nemesis, champagne.

The usual panoply of shit that I don't need to detail to you all: kids saw me pissed, was a twat to my DP, feel dreadful, ashamed, sweating embarassment and regret in the middle of the night.

Goodbye day 81, hello day 1. @Womanshour you are my inspiration, and I feel like i've let you down as my sober days buddy. Onwards.

Welcome @Mouse78013 . I look forward to starting the journey with you.

I'm a bit anxious about when we'll need a new thread. I think grig said upthread when there's 1000 messages but I'm not sure where I can see how many messages (rather than number of pages) have been posted?

Morning all - bright sun-shiny day here :-)

Morning to you @WendyWagon - how are you doing? I'm having a day to myself as family have gone to an away game.

We have a cleaner who comes on Friday so the house is clean, which means nothing for me to do - so reading, telly, garden and Mumsnet for me - what a day!

@livingalivelife - 1000 posts is 40 full pages of the standard 25 replies per page.

We’ve got plenty of time yet.

(I have changed my settings to 100 replies per page, so it is 10 pages for me)

Sorry about the wagon tumble. It happens. Don’t let it get you down too much. Back on we get, and onwards once again.

@livingalivelife forgive yourself my child 🙏(I am being sister Wendy).
I loved champagne. I suspect I still do, the drinking dreams always involve me and a tower of glasses.

The wagon fall I had two and a half weeks ago was spectacular. BFF in the local pub and I can hardly walk anyway.
Add in burgers, booze and my husband coming to fish me out. It was not a good look The thing was it was pino grigio which is waste of taste in my opinion.
Mind you if I got a sniff of pop I'd still be there. Posh free bars have been avoided
We make mistakes, drink milk or water. Eat some fish if you can. A bit of toast. We are but a work in progress. Nobody is perfect. Much love to youx

Thanks @HappyAsAGrig - good to know. Also for your kindness re my fall off wagon ..

@WendyWagon thanks too - let's foreswear the bubbles together. they aren't worth it. love to you too x

Hi @livingalivelife you've not let me down, you are still my sober buddy! What ever bloody day we are on. We are only ever a work in progress.

I hope you are OK today. Forgive yourself, dust yourself down and get back to it. Have you got tonight planned? Sober drinks in and a chilled evening? Xx

@livingalivelife awww dust yourself off...we have all been there. I have stopped quite a few times...only to massively fall off the wagon...just a few sorta mentality...yeah few bottles lol. I embarassed myself so many times... massively again. I was disgusted on myself. Hid from those for weeks hoping theyd forget or i put on brave face and be all jovial about it so people didn't make big thing of it...all through embarrassment. So ive stopped, no drink for 54 days. Difficult, as ALL my friends drink..but i cant do this anymore and as i pointed out i cannot let my grandkids find out about what i do when pissed...i should be a grandma who acts like one....i am but its like 2 different lives...very odd. I don't have to so that anymore. I always get drunk when drinking...too risky. We all fall off sweets , we get bk on and thats brave. Xxxx ♥️

@livingalivelife we are trying to do a really, really hard thing. Be kind to yourself today, and be proud you came back to post. Keep going x

Thank you for posting, @livingalivelife - it's what I need to see. I feel really strong and in control at the moment, but it won't always be this way.

Seeing you have a blip, post then get back on track is really healthy. Thank you and I hope you're okay today

Morning all. Hope you are OK @livingalivelife.

Partners who are still drinking heavily how do you manage? My dh regularly drinks, now alone as I'm not drinking. He was pretty drunk last night (whilst the kids were still up so i told him to go to bed which he did). It doesn't make me want to drink most of the time, if anything it comfirms not wanting to drink. I dislike him being drunk. I know from myself that I could only stop on my own terms. But it's bloody boring (at best) weekend mornings still lost to his hangovers and having a slurry sleepy dh on Saturday evenings (and more).

Good morning all.
I had a good sleep, hoorah.

I was thinking about what others have said about friends that drink. I have 'the magnificent seven' close friends. Only two drink a lot. Two have changed dramatically from hard boozing to moderation. The other three really don't drink. A glass for a toast etc. My evenings have changed though since my DC grew up. We don't do dinner parties anymore so the big drink shop isn't necessary. Tbh I think I used to drink to manage all the fights that went on!

Looking forward to improving health wise. I have a garden to plant.
Have a good day my friends.

Good evening,

Thankyou very much for all the support after my blip - @Womanshour @WendyWagon @Loubelle70 @Onewildandpreciouslife @NextPhaseOfLife

I'm determined it's going to be just that - a blip. I've had a pattern of doing a good sober stint, then just one drink and it all falls apart for several months, until I get to a point where I try again. I'm not doing that this time - a blip is just a blip.

@Womanshour I've started to point out to my DP when he gets slurry, or stinks of booze, and tell him that I don't like talking to him or touching him when he's like that. It doesn't feel mean - it's just my boundary. It seems to help that he realises i'm not ocming from a bossy controlling place but just a place of preference - it's grim to be around someone affected by alcohol.

Hope the garden is looking gorgeous @WendyWagon .

Empty house tonight - i'm grieving as the empty nest begins - all the more reason not to drink - i can see how too much drinking unfurls into late middle age. not a good look.

Re friends - I find it easier to avoid some people at the moment. or at least, some social situations.

courage, my friends, and happy bank holiday monday.

Morning all.

Great to read your post this morning @livingalivelife - it would have been so easy to think f* and give up. My regular morning run takes me past a gym with a sign “if it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you”, which always makes me smile.

Today I am 800 days sober. Got to celebrate a nice round number, right?

The “I don’t drink” thing gets easier all the time. Everything else, not so much! Spending a lot of time feeling angry or sad, and not really sure what to do - can’t work out how much is internal or external. I feel like I go along with a lot of things for an easy life at home, and suspect one day I will explode.

In the meantime, it’s a sunny morning, and I shall go for a run.

Have a good bank holiday all.

@livingalivelife very please to see you post. I know what you mean, this is similar to me. The horrid voice what ever you call it, addiction, wine witch something else... gets a lot of power from a blip. Tell it to sod off your not interested in what they have to say.

Thanks for comments about DH. I think that's a good point just to say I don't like it. My last long stint of being AF it caused some issues between us. I've told him how hard that was. He has also had moments of trying to cut back so has more empathy this time (I hope).

Wow @Onewildandpreciouslife 800 days. That is incredible, congratulations. I'm not keen on these new found emotions. Squashing them down by booze made them go away for the night but made lots of the reasons for them worse for me. But being left with these feelings is hard.

Previously l've used mindfulness, as just the strong emotions can make me panic that I'm not coping. (I don't know if that makes sense). So mindfulness has Previously helped remind me that I am managing. But the next step of what to do... eugh... that's difficult isn't it. I'm trying to bring mindfulness back into my life now so the strong emotions don't leave me panicking.

Morning all, morning @livingalivelife

It's a bright sun shiny day here 🥳🥳

Hope yesterday was ok for you, @livingalivelife.

@Womanshour @Onewildandpreciouslife - talking about emotions - I guess a lot of us (all of us?) over drank to numb feelings we didn't want to come to the surface.

With me, I think they were just general dissatisfaction and boredom. I'm becoming more clear again now.

I can only dream of 800 days AF , @Onewildandpreciouslife, that's amazing x

@NextPhaseOfLife I think you are right. It's so good to get in touch with our own triggers. I think boredom was one for me but anxiety, (often triggered by not feeling good enough) is a big one.

I have started to run since stopping drinking. 12 weeks today and just did the best run, starting to make progress with my fitness. Running is something that helped me before, (lowers anxiety etc).pleased to be getting back to it.

Hope everyone has a good day x

That's so inspiring, @Womanshour
Well done on your fitness, that's great.

I used to run and love jt (after!).

Maybe I should take it up again.

Morning all.
@Onewildandpreciouslife wow, 800 days. Fabulous.
I love the challenge equals change.

I had a Virgin mojito from Belvior last night, fantastic and it didn't cause the tiddles. Four can pack. I tasted like the real McCoy.

Recycle today and a bit of gardening

We always went to Dorset the first week of June as a child. I love sea swimming. If I didn't have to work in London I'd be off. Escape to the coast would work for me.

Have a peaceful day my friends.

Happy Bank Holiday, everyone!

When I started drinking seriously, as opposed to For Fun, it was to prevent me from screaming. The stress I was under back then was so crushing I am surprised I survived it. Drunk or not, it’s amazing how resilient we can be when we must.

Later it was to numb some of the physical pain. I still find that hard going.

It’s hard to talk about in front of “professionals” as it triggers all the suicide prevention stuff. That’s actively unhelpful, as it means I can’t talk about it at all.

Just for clarity, I’m not suicidal. At all. I just resent having to be alive a lot of the time. This is because much of my day to day life is spent in levels of pain ranging from ‘sore’ to ‘wish they’d shoot me like a broken racehorse’. Minute by minute that is a pretty grim existence.

I want to live because I love my family with every bit of me, and not living would fuck them up. I litter my life with as many wonderful things as I can, and I’m REALLY good at spotting the tiny good things.

I can CBT the hell out of my life, I am a dab hand at mindfulness. But none of it overcomes the grinding reality of pain. I have ALL the tools aside from a regular supply of extra strong analgesics.

Giving up alcohol was frightening because it was walking away from a regular numbing of that pain.

But here I am. Day 100 earlier this week - I am 12.5% of @Onewildandpreciouslife ‘s amazing achievement!

My teen daughter willingly spends (occasional) evenings with me and DH now we’re sober. Adult DS says life is 100% better. No sense of dread as I try to think back over the evening. I can make evening plans with other people, I can go to the movies and theatre without worrying about alcohol.

Life as a fully aware human is better in so many ways.

I do miss the blotting out of pain, but I’m trying to focus on the good stuff. Hell, if my main reason for keeping going is my loved ones, I owe it to them to be a decent version of me, not a useless drunk one.

One unexpected advantage of drunkenness - you’ll tolerate any old shite on the telly. I turn it off so often now because I can’t be arsed with the nonsense.
One unexpected advantage of sobriety - so much more time for reading as a result!

evening all!

day 31 here. been busy with teens, a levels, work ... and socialising without alcohol. i think it's getting easier.

@livingalivelife sending special love to you after your lapse - there but for the grace of god go all of us - i would be on day 52 if i hadn't fallen off the wagon at a wedding.

@NextPhaseOfLife i think you asked why people think they drank to excess.

for me it was definitely triggered by a shit childhood with a parent who bullied us and would not let us express our feelings and so when teenage years hit booze ( and drugs) were a brilliant way of keeping feelings inside and avoiding external conflict by challenging the status quo. that became such a habit so early that it probably changed my brain chemistry so that i couldn't feel relaxed/ enhanced/ rewarded/ excited without it. i don't know if i believe in addictive personality but i certainly could never stop at a few and would find that a waste of time. so maybe a mix of nurture and nature like most things.

i am finding it helpful not to think about why i want to stay stopped drinking but rather why i want to stay sober. that doesn't mean i dint miss drinking or continue to romanticise it because i do, but i also feel that my brain is healing , im less impulsive, more able to be in the here and now instead of lining up the next drinking opportunity in my mind, less bloated, and a little nearer to that bone deep feeling of well being that i really really want and have never had my whole life. i just didn't realise that alcohol was part of the reason why.

keep on keeping on ladies.

sorry some of that didn't make sense. i meant easier to think about why i want to stay sober than what i miss about drinking or hated about drinking.

i guess i am starting to trust and like myself a little bit more.

@Onewildandpreciouslife 800 days. you absolute star!

@Womanshour i'm starting to learn that feeling strong emotions does not mean im not ok. it probably means i am ok because i am allowing myself to feel deeply and am not numbing and pushing these feelings that are part of life back down. it means i am having a real relationship with myself for once. it does not mean that the world is unsafe.

I havent has anything to drink since Christmas. Im not missing it at all except for a glass of red with a lasagne. The alcohol free wines taste like shite apart from the cava which tastes just as good