Tulips, snowdrops and another Day 1!

[MamaGhina]

New thread as promised. I’ll pop on later to tag everyone as I wanted to get this link on the old thread before it fills up!

Link to the old one for any new joiners:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support/4877066-its-day-1-anyone-else?page=40

@smegley sorry to read that

@MamaGhina do you know what, I think it is sensible to rule out Christmas for staying dry. Because if you plan to stay dry, and you don’t, you will beat yourself up, feel negative about it all and then probably give up. I have been quite in awe of the way you plan occasions that you will have a drink but then get back on the wagon. I don’t feel strong enough yet to do that but I have a test coming up soon and I am wondering about your approach.

@smegley come tell us about it if you can bear it. We are all here for you and we are all learning together.

Hi
I feel as though I am in a dark hole.

On Friday I'd had a full bottle of wine before I even left the house.
Then another at the venue.
The resulting behaviour was as expected unfortunately.

I had an alcohol free day yesterday and it was so hard.
My appointment with the alcohol misuse service is on Thursday.
I have no idea how they can help me. I feel as though I'm on a slippery slope.
Its all so overwhelming. This time of year for me (like a lot of others) is strongly associated with drinking and big party nights out. Being alcohol free seems impossible when I can't even manage a full dry week.

My blood tests came back OK apart from vitamin deficiencies and my cholesterol is rising again. So health wise my body is coping OK at the minute with the drinking but my mind is not.
It's all I think about, all day, every day. I look forward to days my husband works late because I know I can drink 'in secret' before he's back. I am miserable when I can't drink. I resent having to take my children to clubs etc because I have to drive, and that means no drinking until its done, I literally count the minutes off until I'm home again and can open the bottle. Or I'll look for an excuse not to take them at all.
How awful is that :(
I sit and cry because they deserve so much better than me.
I'm not sleeping properly, anxiety is through the roof, headaches all the time and I feel so stressed.

I really don't know where to go from here and I'm so ashamed I've got myself into this mess.
Apologies for the long ramble :(

What you describe about your addiction is so similar to so many of us on this thread. The resenting giving the kids lifts and the countdown to being able to drink rings so true to me. You are not a bad person - you are an addict. It is hard but you can do this. I was like you and today is my day 70.

Good luck with your appointment.

And keep coming and chatting on here in the mean time as we all understand.

Thank you for the reply.

Can I ask how you managed to stop?
70 days is really good!!
I can't manage 2 in a row at the min :(

I'm nervous about the appointment Thursday. I don't know what to expect.
Have you used an alcohol service before?

@smegley I can feel the pain in your post and I’m sorry you are going through this. It is totally relatable, wanting so much to be able to stop but just not being able to. The book I’m reading talks about learnt behaviours and how these are built up over years. They can’t be undone in a day. The good news is you have your appointment. Try and focus on that for now and go easy on yourself.

I used a hypnotherapy recording as well as reading this thread but be honest, I was just ready to give up. And I am very stubborn once I set my mind to something. I haven’t used an alcohol service but this is the very best help you can get so I echo @MamaGhina hang in there til that appointment and don’t beat yourself up. You recognise the issue and you are seeking help. That is a lot more than most people do so you are already one step ahead. Take care.

Sorry to hear this smegley, your pain is palpable!
You are not alone. My drinking 'style' is very similar to yours. There is nothing stylish about it, it is lonely, degrading, isolating and it eats away at your soul.
Keep posting here and think of it in terms of getting your head down on the pillow each night. 24 hours is too much for me. I had 16 years free of the tyrannical alcohol demon and then relapsed. I have been sliding and slobbering since then.
If the alcohol services know of a women's AA group, avail of it. I found that so good for my first 5 years of sobriety. I still have friends from those days. I have moved away from where I used to live and now don't have a womens group nearby. Online support forums like this also help.

Hey just checking in. A whole weekend of running up and down the country for sons sports events! Great.

@smegley I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. This is the hardest it will be. Everyday will get better. But it takes time. I remember some of those patterns emerging in my last too. Now I don’t even think about it so honestly it can be done. Look at self improvement, self care, finding out what you are without alc and enjoying thinking about what you can achieve. This is your life, you control it, don’t let anything or anyone control you.. easily written I know! But as posters said, Come on here whenever you need support. All here for each other.

hope everyone’s ok x

@smegley As others have said, this doesn't make you an awful person - you are addicted to alcohol and you need help. You've asked for that help and it is around the corner with your appointment next week, don't pre-judge what they can/can't do for you, just trust that they are the experts.
So much of what you said resonates for me, I was not at all confident that I'd be able to string a few days together when I started this dry spell and if I hadn't - I'd have had to ask for help too. As much as I want this time to be different, I'm still scared that it won't be and I'm so sure that if I don't make a permanent change this time, next time I'll have to seek professional support so please know that some of us are just a hairs breadth from you where you are right now. We are willing you to succeed and are on this journey with you xx

You are all so lovely. Thank you for the support 😍

Good morning everyone - happy Monday.
I've decided that today is the day I try and deal with the unhealthy eating habits that I've adopted over the last month.
I've weighed and measured and have no specific goal in mind but want to see the scales adjust over the next 5 weeks.
I also need to increase my water intake rather than relying on sweet cordials/fizzy drinks.
Hope you don't mind me posting this here for accountability x

Good morning @MissSmith80 and everyone else! Good luck with the healthy eating. I have tried to do a complete reset and it has been working well but I am not feeling it this morning. Had a terrible nights sleep and feeling broken. Must stay strong!

Hello everyone.

How is the day going?
I'm in craving hell at the min, headache palpations etc.
I had to leave work due to childcare so I'm home early and trying to make a plan of action for this evening so I don't end up at the shop.

We need milk but I literally don't trust myself to go in the co op and leave without wine :(

@smegley if you do go to the shop, is there anything you could buy that would be a nearly equal treat? Chocolate? Xmas goodies?

if you resist the shop, could you have a bath? Do some exercise? Read? Meditate? Watch the sunset?

I'm just not at a point where I can walk past the wine (it's in the fridge right next to the milk) so I think it's best if I don't go in today.
I'm going to just try and read a bit more of my book and get an early night.

This is a hard road to walk down isn't it :(

Hi all. I’ve had a productive day for a change.

I started off tackling it all but my healthy eating has slipped somewhat, recently (she says after having a greggs at lunch). Just glad to finally be working through a few jobs.

Massive bugbear of mine @smegley the alcohol in supermarkets. Our Tesco has a whole row of spirits next to the self service checkouts so you have to walk past the whole lot to pay. Can you imagine it being like America where you have to go to a liquor shop to get alcohol? I hate the way it promoted so heavily the minute you step foot through the door.

I recommend a warm drink and an early night when struggling. Tonight I’m going out for a run as I didn’t do any exercise at the weekend.

Its ridiculous really how it's pushed at us all the time.
I wonder if attitudes to alcohol will ever change like they did with smoking.

There really needs to be a change in how alc is presented to us in shops. Like you say with the smoking - I do think attitudes need to change. At nearly week 11 I feel like a different person. I’m not reliant anymore. I was very reliant. Although craving a night out but that’s more a wanting to escape my life/DH I think. I will allow myself a glass or two of wine but I don’t think it’s best for me. Staying sober has felt empowering this time. I’m in control. My body is much better for it and I feel fitter. Anyway, back to it been marketed so hard in shops. It’s totally criminal - just like sweets and rubbish comics with plastic being shoved in the face of little ones as soon as they walk in! Why is consumerism so hell bent on ruining us and the planet. Why can’t it be different!! Sorry for ranting! I know of course, it’s a choice! Like everything, we are responsible for our reactions. But it’s so so hard when it’s marketed in such a glamorous way 😬

Hey, I've not written in a few days as it's just been busy with work and social things.

Really sorry you are struggling @smegley . Alcohol is addictive so please don't beat yourself up for being one of many who fall for its lures. I think most of us here on the board have struggled and simply got to the point where we are sick of it and just don't want to be trapped. If you can manage it, try and read some of the books that explain how it works on your body - Alcohol Explained, This Naked Mind. Or try the sober powered podcast. It'll tell you how the hangover and the "I'm never drinking again" creates further cravings and is a vicious circle, it is not just you. It won't solve things overnight but knowledge is power. For many people dealing with addiction, there is underlying trauma so perhaps this fits for you and is something you may need to try and address. It's the case for me certainly.

I am finding myself sliding back into drinking at weekends. It's kind of like I've decided there is some sort of inevitability about Christmas therefore I'm now drinking at weekends? I'm quite disappointed but know I will do Dry January and look forward to it. And see if I can build from that. This time of year is a challenge with social events and it's just everywhere. Plus the worst thing of all was I had such a tough 2 weeks in October with ALL the feelings and flashbacks and it just felt so hard. I really thought the sobriety would help my mental health and I fell at the first challenge because it was so unexpected. Now I know better. A sober day or sober stretch is never wasted, it does all add up into learning and knowledge and I do suspect (and hope), sometime, it will all fall into place and I will manage to quit for good. (Because there's no point kidding myself that I'll ever be able to moderate without it being a huge challenge. Moderation is a fu&*ing sneak).

How are you all? @Thepeppapigfanclub missing your news. Thanks for keeping us going @MamaGhina. It's really nice to know so many of us are here together and we already have a lovely little crew together for the next few weeks, Dry January and beyond.

I went to the shop.
I am SUCH a fool

It's okay @smegley
We've all had days like that I'm sure.

Read this, it might help.
Why you drink even though you don't want to. • Counselling & Therapy Online (recoveryfromaddictiononline.com)

Annie Grace/This Naked Mind has a free 5 day group coming up - maybe even starting today. About 1 hour listening a day, you might find it helpful too?

Is that a Facebook group? X

@smegley so sorry to hear you're having a bad time. Please please don't beat yourself up over it anymore than you already are. You are doing the best you can right now.

I have had support from alcohol services in the past, not recently though. I found it helpful. I had individual counseling as well as a support group. Ultimately I had to recognise the root causes of my drinking and work on changing them. Which is what I'm trying to do again now.

I'm also back to day 1 after multiple drinks yesterday. Fortunately I avoided wine, which is my favourite drink by far, but also the one that leads to the worst behaviour and worst hangovers and post drinking anxiety. Come to the conclusion I am not yet in a place where I can socialise and not drink. @Steppered I agree, I'm ok currently when I'm home but the inevitability of Christmas socialising during December weekends and therefore drinking is there for me too. I will do dry Jan for sure and am looking forward to it

Hope everyone else is ok today