The support thread (continued) for an alcohol free life. All welcome.

[WendyWagon]

Hello and welcome to the alcohol free support thread. We are a welcoming bunch. These threads were started by @drybird some three years ago.
We are a mixture of sober sisters (and the odd gent) who want to lead a alcohol free life. We chat about everyday things that we use to drink to manage. No question too silly. Someone will have done/thought or been through the same.

@KateOopNorth welcome. I lost two stone in my first 10 months. I'm not slim but I don't have a bloated face or itchy scalp anymore. Weird but true.
Good luck..

Hi @KateOopNorth I think I posted my before and after photo on the last thread but happy to post again here if nobody objects. I haven't lost much actual weight according to the scales but photographically the difference in my size is massive. Plus I'm now able to exercise because I'm not constantly hungover.

DH is now starting to think about quitting alcohol completely. Obviously I want him to but it has to be his decision. Fingers crossed he sees the light!

That’s great news Ghast. Even thinking about it is better than nothing. My DH has moved to AF at home, about a year after I quit I suggested it as no point in toxing his liver every night. He seems fine with it and as I do the online shop it’s his only real choice. He has a beer when we go out or have friends over but I haven’t seen him drunk since I quit.

I’ve had another glorious but hard day in the garden. I love gardening but have a few acres to ‘play’ with and this time of year it is overwhelming. Although less so without the hangxiety and dehydration effects of weekend boozing in previous years…

Welcome @KateOopNorth!

” I tell myself I can have a drink whenever I want” - I tell myself this too😁 It helps, so not drinking feels like a positive choice rather than a punishment.

I did also loose 2 stone after I quit boozing. Not consuming empty wine calories followed by late night snacks helped. Plus having the energy to exercise and nourish myself with nice food.

good luck!

Morning shipmates.
All steady on the bridge.

Good morning Cap’n

I am going to shower then deep clean the bathroom (glamorous)

Might go for a walk this afternoon and get some Euros for next weekends trip.

I am feeling really fat and unfit. I think I relied too heavily on sugar treats to get me through the first three months of sobriety but I can tackle that now.

Enjoy your Sunday lads 😍

Almost back to school for us. I hate to one of those parents who look forward to the kids going back but it's been a long old two weeks (I was only planning to take one week!)

Mine at at the age where the oldest doesn't want to do what the youngest does but isn't old enough to be left for long periods. Plus 2nd week was pretty crap weather. We've done a few things (river boat to Greenwich, a few museums, lots of walks and bikes ride and local parks) but I'll be glad of the respite next week.

Makes me wonder how I ever managed to be an even halfway decent parent when I was either hung over or itching for it to be "opening up time". I'd always drink more in the holidays if I wasn't working. I was never negligent just a bit crap and I'd leave most of the fun stuff to daddy as I often couldn't face big days out on a hangover.

Since being AF I've even managed to take all 3 kids away for a week by myself. Such a major achievement!!

Gosh @Crunchymum don’t feel bad for looking forward to school. We had some nice moments over the last two weeks but some tough ones too. It isn’t easy balancing work, school holidays and the needs of multiple children of different ages with different needs. School holiday clubs cost a fortune and no family around to help. It’s a marathon!
Totally agree with what you’re saying though - so much easier to deal with it all sober.
In my opinion the kids actually also benefit from returning to the routine of school. So yeah, it was a nice break but now I say, bring on school😂 and I do not feel bad saying that!

@Crunchymum i always looked forward to back to school week. The DD said last week she was bored!

Wish I was one of those mum's who never wants the holidays to end, but I'm not 😁

Mine are all big school lovers which makes it easier. And yes routine and structure is really important for us (especially the youngest who is disabled) school helps with that.

I don't think I'm built to spend vast amounts of time with other humans. Even if they are my own humans.

@Crunchymum I really thought I'd be an 'earth mother' type when I had kids and I don't think I've ever forgiven myself for not being like that. I absolutely adore my kids but I do find them hard work and exhausting at times and there are days when I'm counting down the minutes until their dad picks them up. I hate myself for it but it is what it is.

@MyGhastIsFlabbered

My MIL (who is the most amazing and hands on granny and someone I adore) said that she found parenting so hard as you are left with all the donkey and drudge work. You are often so exhausted and drained from keeping your little people fed, clean, clothed, well behaved and well mannered and up to date with school work that you forget about the fun and the importance of just being with them. And you are always feeling guilty!!

I'm trying to be mindful of this.

FWIW my MIL & FIL have 6 kids (5 of them boys) and both worked FT. All 6 kids are still very close to their parents and to each other so I don't think my PIL did a bad job at all.

While I am still processing the events of Thursday and the loss of a friend ultimately to alcohol in her mid 50s, news comes in this morning of the death of a former colleague, another heavy, daily drinker.

The previous funeral I went to, at the end of February, was another former colleague, and various people got up and spoke, relating hilarious anecdotes of his drinking over the years. It sounds as if it had a hand in his death as well.

What is this stuff doing to our society?

In other news, I have a streaming cold and am lying low today. DH has gone out, so I can potter without him asking me every five minutes what I'm doing.

I’m so sorry for your loss @TheOtherHotstepper. I don’t understand why we normalise this as a society (all whilst demonising other much less harmful drugs). Weird.

Haha sounds like many of us feel similar about the school holidays!

@MyGhastIsFlabbered don’t hate yourself for this!!! You honestly sound perfectly normal!!! I absolutely adore my kids and would do anything for them. I also love spending quality time with them, cuddling them, laughing with them etc. However they can also REALLY wind me up, they’re noisy and messy and sometimes I am counting down the minutes till I get to go to work/bed😂😂😂

I absolutely do not feel guilty about feeling this way! I’m a mum but I’m also a person. I have my own interests and needs etc. And coincidentally I think it’s really important my kids understand that. YES they will always come first and YES they are the most precious thing in my life and I tell them these things often. But mum also needs a quiet moment/time with friends/a career/a run etc. I wouldn’t want my children to be a slave to their children so I wisely don’t model that behaviour🤣

Long story short don’t hate yourself you sound like a perfectly normal mother!

Oh gosh it's all coming thick and fast @TheOtherHotstepper

Ultimately (and very sadly) we cannot be responsible for other people's actions. All we can do in ensure that the people we love don't lose us to alcohol.

Alcoholism is insidious and dangerous and destroys everything in its path.

There is a strong line of alcoholism in DPs family. He's lost two uncles prematurely to alcohol related illness and we think he'll lose an aunt soon too (they are all siblings and their parent before them was an alcoholic too, albeit no premature death). DP also a cousin in his 40's who is on an awful path with the drink and we don't expect him to recover. *obviously the vast majority of the family don't have issues but there seems to be a huge genetic disposition at play here.

Makes me even more glad I don't drink, so I can model this to my DC, incase they have any disposition towards it.

@Crunchymum I think there is a hereditary element a lot of the time.

My ex DP is now ten years or so sober, which is massively impressive given his history (he was expelled from school at 17 for drinking and is now 68) but it look a nearly fatal cellulitis after he neglected a drinking injury and then a GI bleed before he saw the light. He wasted his best years drinking (and I wasted my best years on him) and is now making uncertain steps into living in the real world.

He has a cousin with a problem and another cousin who is already dead. Tracing the family history, this has been going on for upwards of 150 years. Thankfully neither of my DDs really drink.

Argh really tempted tonight. Had an awful evening with DS who has ADHD and probably autism. DH had opened a bottle of my favourite white wine given to me by my dad who forgot I'm not drinking.

I'm eating the remains of my Easter egg instead

Good for you @MyGhastIsFlabbered . I'm really annoyed too for a trivial reason (DH has absolutely hacked the front lawn to mud with the strimmer - it looks so awful I could cry). I swear in the old days, I'd have a bottle open (and maybe a barney with him) with some kind of idea that I'd feel better about the lawn. Weird concept really.

I'm so grateful for this thread.

I'm also from a family ruined by alcohol. Kids are young teens but DH isn't a drinker so I'm hoping a good home environment will influence them not to drink excessively.

My mum's style was more buying me bottles of wine 14 so she could sit in her bed undisturbed and drink. She had some terrible experiences which led her there and I feel for her deeply but also see the damage she did. She was wild at times and chronically ill with it for about 20 years. She never kicked it or got over her demons and died of it just after her first grandchild - that she'd so looked forward to -was born. She was a very brilliant and beautiful woman and also spiteful and troubled. I loved her a lot. It's so galling.

My brother has been an alcoholic since a teenager. I don't have contact with him as he's very violent and unstable but I think he's still drinking. They gave him 5 years when my son was b orn 12 years ago, so maybe he's gone (although I think I would have heard).

God it's all such a bloody mess.

I hope you don't mind me offloading. I don't like talking about it in real life because people generally just don't know what to say or do and anytime I have this reaction just makes me feel worse.

I'm not so bothered about the lawn now. Think I'll go and give DH a kiss.

hi all - been doing a lot of 12 hour shifts and trying to get various things done before our holiday starts on Tuesday so I’m reading the thread when I can but haven’t had much of a chance to contribute. But I’m listening to your stories and grateful to hear them.

day 5 in the bag for me! I’m in bed and about to go to sleep. DD bought me flowers yesterday and said “for a greasy start”. I nearly wept. I said thank you and was determined this would be our last fresh start. Another photo (of the flowers) logged in my phone to look at for motivation if/when the urge comes. I just cannot go back to drinking .

good night all. Hope you’ve had a good weekend and for those struggling- we CAN do this!! ❤️🙏💐💪

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome!

1 week today which is a huge achievement. @MyGhastIsFlabbered well done for not giving in to temptation. It's so much easier navigating these family stresses with a clear head - I sometimes wonder how I ever did it otherwise. Aside from anything else, if the teenagers are raring up at me about something random it feels SO much better trying to reason with them with a cup of tea in my hand and not a wine glass.

One of Annie Grace's podcasts mentioned how in the early stages you may feel it's hard to imagine a future without wanting and craving alcohol. She said to think of past loves we've had, and how that person seemed all-consuming at the time but is totally insignificant in our thoughts now - it's the same thing.

I go one step ahead and think of alcohol like my abusive and controlling ex husband. So when it's 'calling me to take it back' in the Sainsbury's aisle on a Friday eve, it's not a bottle of Shiraz it's a bottle of Steve 😄. Why on earth would I let something re-enter my life when it held me back, stopped me from achieving life controls, affected my children's happiness and stability, affected my wellbeing, and threatened my safe and happy home? Not a chance.

I had to dig deep into my toolbox last night (my first Sat night!) when I felt the temptation as we ordered a curry as an end of week treat. But after playing it forward - remembering the short 20 min buzz followed by hours of anxiety (unless chased up with another glass for an even shorter buzz!). Remembering how good it's been not to wake up and have to rush to the loo with loose bowels (sorry, tmi) after a night on the wine. Remembering how much more focused I've been this week and how physically I feel lighter and less bloated after just a few days. Not a chance I'm throwing that away.

Here's to week 2!

*life goals, not life controls!

Just to add - I've got into bed with a smile on my face every night this week. Far from feeling like I'm denying myself something, I feel like I'm doing something really positive for my life and the ones I love. An exciting feeling.

Morning all. Well done to everyone who survived a weekend sober. I didn’t miss drinking at all on my weekend away, but there is a disconnect between me and everyone else in the group. I’m trying to get comfortable with that.

Im currently reading The Outrun by Liptrot, a memoir from someone who did rehab and then went home to Orkney. It’s a mixed bag so far - I’m not sure about all the nature descriptions! But there are some absolute gems, like this (she’s 22 months sober at this point, and Hether Blether is a mystical island, I think):

“One shift that I allow myself is to admit that I do miss the brief hours of intoxication and that it is a shame I can’t toast someone’s special occasion with champagne, share a bottle of wine with a man or enjoy a cold pint after work. I’m allowed to feel loss. But these losses are very small compared to the ability to keep a job or a relationship or some kind of sustainable stable state of mind. In any case, I have learned to model the process forward to what would happen if I did drink: chaos followed by depression.

Drinking alcoholically is an incomplete remedy, a repeated mistake, a journey that never reaches its destination. Whatever ease or high it did promise I could no longer reach: it ran away from me, always just over the horizon, like Hether Blether. It was never enough, until I couldn’t take it any more.”

— The Outrun (Canons Book 93) by Amy Liptrot
https://amzn.eu/5lbZYNQ

@Onewildandpreciouslife - Absolutely love this!

It's so right, we ARE allowed to miss these small parts of it, when we can see the bigger picture.

I used to think I miss numbing my emotions but now I want to feel all the emotions, as uncomfortable as they may be sometimes. Because then I know what's real. It's nice not having to second guess whether I'm crying at an advert because it's genuinely sad or heartwarming or just because I'm a bit pissed 😄.

It's nice knowing that i'm making a date for coffee with a friend because I actually want to, not just because I've had a glass of wine and will regret making plans in the morning. Or I'm texting my best mate a meme because it's genuinely funny, not just because I'm being a bit of a dick. Even these small things I question, or get paranoid about, after a drink.

It's the same with the uncomfortable emotions, or the stress - I now wonder how I ever dealt with them before, a bottle of wine down. Everything feels more manageable.

@Onewildandpreciouslife wow thank you for sharing that is such a great quote.

And @KateOopNorth I recognise what you’re saying too!

@Onewildandpreciouslife that's a very poignant quote for me.

I've certainly touched upon it here. Feelings of anger and disappointment that I have such a fucked up relationship with alcohol I can no longer chance those "nice drinks".

I still kind of wish I could but I also know where the nice drinks lead me and I am unwilling to go back there. So its complete abstinence for me and it isn't so bad!!

I've done 2 holidays, a Christmas, a NYE, a birthday, several school holidays, lots of meals out and family gatherings - all of these are times I'd definitely drink - and it's been fine. I am finally in a place where I truly don't want to drink. In fact the thought of it is actually quite disgusting.

Now if only I could get to the same place with sugar 😕