Day 1

[moochies]

I posted another thread earlier about my disaster of a Christmas Day.

I just can't do it anymore, looking into the future I can see myself losing everything, my DH, friends, family. I was considering taking myself to a&e this morning because I was such a mess.

I'm absolutely determined to do it this time, so this is day 1.

Please join me.

I'm on my day one again. I feel weirdly a bit more confident in myself lately, so I definitely need to stay off the booze if I want to carry on like this. I've spent decades of my life feeling anxious and miserable, (I'm only 33!) Been prescribed the magic blue pills for 11 years too. I'm getting to the point now where I'm not letting things bother me as much. I'm still pretty introverted (unless I've had a drink!) But I'm happy with that now and accept it. There really are no downsides to abstaining are there? But so many benefits! I
I really hope I can keep it up this time. It's almost like I deliberately self sabotage, and I need to find the root of that.

@bitachey so glad you've joined the thread, sounds like you know what's going to work for you

How are you doing @Bizzywater ?

@teaandtoastwithmarmite thanks I thought I would have caved by now! I think you’re doing really well - it’s hard getting comments like that, agree with @bitachey it does sound like a bit of projection. I don’t know why people make such a big thing out of others not drinking

Hope your day 1 went well @Haveatakeaway

Looking forward to a tonic water, early night and hangover free Saturday !

How's everyone doing? Day 4 today 😁

@Haveatakeaway it sounds like you're onto yourself... and you've hit the nail on the head with wanting to figure out why you self sabotage. If you were to write this out do you know why?

@brightspice yes, I think I do know. My problem drinking started after my third son was stillborn in 2016.
I scientifically know this wasn't my fault.

Psychologically this very much feels like it was my fault. My body didn't do it's job to keep our son safe. He was very poorly while I was still pregnant. He died and I've denied our sons their brother and my husband one of his children. I don't want anyone to ever tell me again that this wasn't my fault. I don't want anyone to be nice to me. I dont deserve it. All the sympathy should go to my lovely family. My body caused this heartache for everyone and there's nothing I can ever do to make up for it. These thoughts go around my head everyday and alcohol can block them out temporarily. The next day I feel shit but I deserve it.

I've never spoken a word of this to anyone and never would, I do not deserve pity. Im crying now but I think it's a good release after all these years.

thank you @brightspice 💐

@Haveatakeaway i think it might be helpful for you to access some specialist counselling. I suspect how you feel must be very common after a situation like yours. It must be so incredibly difficult. It’s not pity that people offer but huge huge sympathy, empathy from those who have been through similar events and a huge longing to be able to offer you a ladder out of the deep hole you
are currently in.

Thank you for sharing this with us and I'm so sorry to hear all this. But it's good you've let it out. I know why I say won't make a difference but it's really not your fault.

Thank you, you are all so kind. I fell off the wagon last night after posting. I know I need to feel the emotions rather than trying to block them.
I showed my husband my post and he seemed quite shocked I feel this way. I think some therapy would be a good idea.

@Haveatakeaway what a heartfelt post. ❤️
I just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you’ve been through. I’m so glad you could share your feelings with your husband and I also think counselling is a very good idea. All problem drinkers are using alcohol in some way or another to dull their feelings. I really hope that you can find some peace. 💗

@Haveatakeaway I was extremely sorry to hear what you've been through. It sounds challenging beyond measure. I am not a therapist and would certainly encourage you to speak with professionals in that area if that feels right for you.

But what I can help with is how this shows up with regard to your drinking. Your heartfelt post was in answer to my question as to why you are self sabotaging. It sounds as though you have a very clear answer to that question. Even though it's a heartbreaking one, it is actually positive that you know the reason. Because this gives you options.

You cannot change the past but you can modify how you think about it. Right now you seem to believe you are responsible for what happened (even though you state that scientifically you know you aren't) and you're blocking the emotions through drinking.

My next question is this: is this approach serving you?

If not (and it sounds not because you say you 'fell off the wagon' after making the post), then it's powerful to start by just acknowledging that. This starts to give your brain instructions that you are going to change things.

I work with people on stopping overdrinking but the alcohol is invariably just a symptom. We (and this was me back in the day) drink to avoid uncomfortable emotions. In my case it was frustration and boredom. In yours it sounds like grief. I see time and again that learning how to process the emotions is the way to go. It's more than just 'feeling the feelings' it's allowing the feelings to be there and working through them till they leave. This can take 20 minutes or 3 weeks or 2 months... but doing the work of allowing yourself to feel whatever you're feeling then deciding how you will change that is powerful.

So if you're feeling weepy, allow yourself to feel weepy. Just sit with it, don't fight it. Then ask how you're feeling physically in your body and what you're thinking about that.

You won't change what happened but you will be giving yourself tools to support yourself rather than using alcohol as a crutch.

Thinking of you x

Hi all I realised it's almost a year since this post started and I thought I'd catch up and see how everyone is getting on?

Hey how are you doing ?

im nearly at 100 days 🥳!!

in the main it has been great - reduction in my anxiety is unbelievable and I sleep a lot better too. Having some odd cravings though in run up to Christmas but one day at a time

do we need a new thread when hits 1000 messages ?!

Well done! I'm not good. I got drunk at Xmas party and am so embarrassed to go to work tomorrow. DH pissed off with me and rightly so.

Hi everyone!
I was doing really well and muddling through. Had to go out Xmas shopping which my agoraphobia does not like. Went to the pub first, can't remember much of the shopping and went back to my town pubs after. I've now been asked not to go in my local pub anymore! The shame. I'm mortified!!!

They have done me a favour really but I don't know how I'll leave the house again!
on day 6 now. My husband's cross aswell @teaandtoastwithmarmite but he doesn't even know I've been barred yet, the landlady (our friend) messaged me the next day.

I'm so anxious still, what a dickhead. I apologised profusely and said I completely understand.

@Haveatakeaway oh mate, no judgement here. Hope you're okay x

Thank you @FuckConvoGiveMeAForest very small town. No fighting or falling over thank god. Just talking rubbish and blathering on. Then her boyfriend who works behind the bar thought I shook my head at him, but I was doing it to my friend, and the more I tried to explain the worse it sounded! I've named my drunken alter ego, and she will not be returning! I'm so quiet and shy normally and I turn into Courtney Love!

Oh gosh @Haveatakeaway. No judgement from me either.

The things I did to change my life and stay sober were I started thinking of what I could do to meet the needs of others, be rigorously honest, become humble to the best of my ability, work on my faults, and make apologies where necessary. Then I had to realize that it’s not all about me and do my best to help others and bring others back. Also tried to stop running from fears as much as I felt like I could. I don’t do all this perfectly, but it woke me up inside and gave me some integrity and I felt it keeps me sober

This time last year I was off my face abs being an idiot. That's what prompted me joining this thread 😊

Same! And today I've been hungover - in fact I am 99% certain I was still drunk until about lunch time. Forced myself to make a roast dinner and do some baking as punishment for my stupidity.
@Haveatakeaway so sorry for the loss of your son. For different reasons I use alcohol to shut my brain up, drown out the things it's telling me about me - totally get that bit.

I am going sober again - Day 1 again

Happy New year everyone. How's everyone doing?

Happy new year @Haveatakeaway I'm doing well thanks. How about you?

Hey all! Feel like I'm doing really well. Do we need a new thread ?

Hi Bizzywater yes I think that would be a good idea. I'm pleased you're doing well. Me too 😃

Day 1 part 2 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4723896-day-1-part-2

Here we go