Day 1 again and time to get my life back...

[witchwoo]

Hello, all :))

NC for this as want a fresh start. I posted 2 or 3 times back in the spring and regularly read the board.

So today will be my Day 1 again. I did about 70 days totally alcohol-free earlier in the year, after years of drinking nightly at home.

Mum of 4, busy busy life. A bottle of wine was the thing that allowed my mind to 'switch off' at the end of the day (whilst ironically ramping it up again at 3am worse than ever).

I felt fabulous without the wine (sleep was amazing!) and I guess I got a bit complacent. After months without even a drop of alcohol I thought I could have a weekend drink and have the weekdays sober.

The 1st week was just that - a couple of glasses of wine on a Sat night, and didn't touch a drop until the next weekend. The following weekend I drank the Friday night AND the Saturday night. And within a couple of weeks (or less) I was back to nightly drinking. And drinking even more than before.

That was about 3 months ago that I started drinking again and I've had enough! The weight I had gradually lost has piled back on (rapidly), and my sleep is terrible. I'm anxious and grumpy, and it's taking away my evenings - leaving me tired, unmotivated, and cutting the evening short. I wake up depressed, panicked, and mentally counting down the hours until I can pour the wine.

I did it before by devouring 'sober' books (all the usuals mentioned on here!) and listening to sober podcasts every night in the bath. It wasn't a case of having willpower, as being alcohol-free became something that I wanted to do, rather than it feeling like I was depriving myself of something wonderful.

So, anyway - that's the story. Friday night, kettle is on, and I'm about to cook a fab meal and become a better person (I hope).

Thanks for reading.

Day 9, of total absence of alcohol here.
Finding it easier and easier, suddenly wanted a drink and cig last night when ex H was passing me right off, but im fighting the "im stressed" reach for a bottle urge. I have to try not to let other actions, turn my life toxic. It doesn't fix anything.

Day 23 of very light drinking (2 glasses of red wine, 1 x small whisky)

I still have the bottle of Bailey calling me for opening in December, not before... but now I am wondering how long I can hold off opening that for too....

How is everyone else? The thread has been quite quiet lately x

Anyone still around?...

Hey @Hiccupiscal, how's it going?

You're doing so well. I'm on Day 34 (I think) but I can categorically say I don't think I'd have been completely sober if we'd have had wine in the house.

For the most part I haven't really thought about it, but there's been the odd Friday or Saturday night (always before I've eaten), when I've really fancied a glass. Buying it seemed a step too far, but had it been there at home I'm sure I may have poured a glass on one of the weekends.

But each Friday and Saturday night I do sober will serve to hardwire my brain to the new way of living. And anyway, once I've had my evening meal on a weekend night I'm glad I'm not drinking, and settle down with my tea, something calorific and a film or book.

And on a week night it doesn't even cross my mind anymore.

Still loving the deep sleep too - I couldn't go back to the 3am panics.

Glad you're still doing well :))

Hello, I've read your posts this evening and just wanted too say "hi". I am in a very similar position, with the same triggers, worries and regrets. Tried to quit many times, then drink only on occasions etc but always end up back to the same habits. I did 20 days then had 2 glasses of wine and a cig after a horrid argument with DH. That was on Monday. So now I'm on Day 5, or 25

Welcome, @clocktwelve 🌟

Great motivations you have there. I totally relate to feeling like being stuck in a 'loop' when drinking.

I'm on day 38 but for years on end I found it a struggle to even have 1 evening off the booze - it was such a compulsion to pick up that bottle of wine.

This time I'm hoping something has clicked! Keep checking in - it really does help.

Hope you're doing ok, @Hiccupiscal 🌟

Hiya guys,
And hello @clocktwelve! Welcome :)
I can relate to your post, I am inwardly cringing at the amount of times DC have seen "drunk mum"
Drunk mum in the beer garden, in the pub, at home... I mean, I dont think my DC is scarred or anything by it, in fact he would love to pop go to our local, as there's so much community, he was loved by adults and kids alike, and the other local parents would take thier children...
But I knew it didn't feel right when DC would be at school and openly ask "are we going/i want to go to the pub tonight"

Where am I? I am 15 DAYS alcohol and cig free. I havent done 15 days in YEARS.
Its getting easier, but lockdown does mean the pressure to socialise, drink, smoke is off.
I'm wondering and hoping I can continue to abstain.

@clocktwele, I am right with you with the tendencies to drink/smoke after a bad time, ive worked out that my most common time to reach for a bottle is when my DP or exH or extended family have upset me. Luckily. Its all been quite quiet on that front meaning I'm not feeling that "I need to eliminate the stress" feeling and repeating bad habit (plus trying to remind myself drinking and smoking doesn't actually solve anything!)

I can also relate with wanting to change your life (I am not sure how) but being stuck in the loop of drinking/hangover.

So the downsides lately - vivid dreams and nightmares - I've googled and apparently that because im now getting more REM sleep and undisturbed sleep. I wear a fitbit tracker and can confirm I've gone from 5 - 6 hrs sleep, to 7 - 8 hrs, so im sleeping longer, even if it doesn't feel better. Pro and con.

My skin is looking dull, lined, tired. Wheres this youthful glow im supposed to have?!?!?!

I am TIRED. Around 8/9pm, im wondering if its time for bed!

Food - same as PP. Im eating EVERYTHING. My jeans have got sooo tight i can hardly get into them. Once I am in, im so uncomfortable I want them off again- however, im not poisoning my body every other day, so have to try and remind myself not to be too harsh on myself.

And the final wonderful one, I dont know what my stomach thinks its up to. Im horribly gassy

Still, the pros, of a clear head, no beer fear, money saving!!!!, no stupid arguments with DP, no days spent being miserable, being present and happy around DC, them not seeing me drink, smoke, slowly get more drunk- it just great. It far outweighs the cons.

Hears hoping I can continue....

Would love to hear how eveto

Arrgh, my phone froze! So glad my post got posted though! Fully expected it to disappear!

Was meant to end on "would love to hear how everyone else getting on" :)

Oh, to add, its day 28 of very light drinking (28< as pp referred to hers!)

So im 29 days, 2 glasses of wine, one small whisky , prehaps 20 fags?... unheard of. A month almost clean, in comparison to what I was doing is a huge turn around!

Ffs, 28 days not 29

Wow, what a great update! Well done, you.

Funny you should mention being tired. I've hardly been able to keep my eyes open past 9pm. Maybe it's what it takes to reset us.

Also having some crazy dreams (I really didn't dream for years!). As you say, must be the REM sleep.

At work today and looking forward to getting home, cooking a nice meal for us all, and a cosy night

Evening all. I just laughed out loud at the side effects @Hiccupiscal mentions - I'm very gassy too! Especially, it would appear during and after the (short) before bed pilates I've been doing. I've also had very graphic and interesting dreams. And I have spots now too - which I don't usually get. However, it's Day 26 coming to an end here and I've no desire to drink. Not sure what I plan to do over xmas - keep it as quiet as possible I think. And not give myself endless opportunities to drink. I have listened to the audiobook of Alcohol Explained which is really good and which I expect has made me successful this time - even though I've read the book a few years ago and only cut down for a bit.

It sounds like you guys are doing well, well done. @witchwoo I hope you had a lovely cozy evening and meal as planned.

@clocktwelve I must admit I thought, "gassy during and after the before bed Pilates" was a euphemism 😆

Amazing - well done on 26 days!

I've been having strange vivid dreams too. Last night I dreamt I was out in a pub, ordered a gin and tonic and drank it- before realising I was supposed to be sober.

I was so annoyed in my dream as (not only was the alcohol a disappointment), but I was gutted to be back at Day 1.

Massively relieved to wake up and realise it was just a dream!

I haven't read Alcohol Explained but I think that will be my next read 👍

Hi there, just checking in. It's 29 days (minus one) for me. I nearly bought some wine this evening. I waked to the shop with my DC in the evening and just decided on the way. I had to consciously un-decide! And then gave myself a bit of a talking to. It's a slippery beast this alcohol thing! Hope you are all doing ok, and no more sleep boozing @witchwoo,

Well done for hanging in there, @clocktwelve! Really good.

I had exactly the same thing a couple of weekends ago. I was off to do the weekly shop on a Saturday eve and was dangerously close to slipping back into the old ritual of choosing a nice bottle of red as my 'reward' for the stressful week.

I told myself if I go into it consciously and fully informed, I could do it if I wanted.

The whole way there, and the whole way round the supermarket, I was having the conversation in my head. Would it really relieve my stress or would it create week-long anxiety? Playing it forward etc etc. And of course, by the end of all that I didn't want the wine! And took the lesser evil of a big slab of chocolate instead.

And I did dream about alcohol last night, funnily enough. It was very similar to the dream I had before. This time I had 1 glass of white and was (again) really disappointed with it. As it didn't have that 'kick' now I no longer have an itch that needs scratching (withdrawal from nightly wine).

And again was thrilled to wake up and realise it was just a dream.

40 something days sober now (I really must get an app to keep track of days, but so many to choose from)

@witchwooyou sound to have this thing nailed! It's so good to wake up the next day knowing you've done the right thing for yourself for that day (no miserable hangover). Drinking really is borrowing tomorrow's happiness for today.

However :o(, this eve I even went as far as buying some alcohol. Had a boring but rather stressy day working and then tonight I've joined a running club, which I was really nervous about, and it was raining. And I did it and it was brilliant, but I'd told myself when I was debating not going, that I'd treat myself to wine later if I did (WTF??!). Then the guy I was running next to said he'd deserved his wine after this, and that was it for me - to the shop and bought 3 mini bottles of wine on offer. I've not drunk them. I had a cup of tea, then my evening meal - at 9.45pm - really bad trigger for me is if I'm hungry.
I'm calling it a Win, but I'm clearly not making the right choices initially in my head.
I am ok with - for me - the idea of having a few drinks if I want when out for dinner, away on holiday etc. I don't go out tons and am happy having one glass of wine and making it last an hour if I 'm driving to meet someone for tea, then having a cuppa or soft drink.
But I have to completely draw the line at drinking at home, because that's where my habits slip badly. And I feel if I do it once, I'll be back where I started. This is a worry.
My DH drinks a lot, mainly at home, mainly wine, and generally 5 nights out of 7. I find this more annoying than anything.

Anyways, apologies for the huge waffle! @witchwoo well done on 40 something days, that's really awesome, you must be really chuffed with yourself!

But you still didn't drink it! That's brilliant. Be prepared to tip it down the sink if you're tempted again.

Hunger is a massive trigger for me too. Or was. Something seems to have shifted in the last week and I haven't really thought about wine at all.

I know what you mean about someone talking about alcohol and it sets you off though. At work the other week they were all talking about Christmas morning Buck's Fizz, and a bottle of something on the go cooking the Christmas meal. I thought how good that sounded, before giving myself a good talking to about the reality of it.

It was about this stage last time in my sobriety that I started thinking, "Ooh I'm hardly thinking about alcohol now - I could definitely moderate". But this time I don't even want to. I'm not going back to that way of life.

Well done on the running. There's something about running in the cold that's really invigorating. I used to go for a run and then come home and drink a bottle of wine. Obviously that's a lot better than just drinking the wine, but looking back it was absolute madness.

Yep, I think exercise is really key to success with this. If I don't exercise I find I'm tense and a bit low and need to take the "edge" off after work/at the end of the day. But get me out pounding the pavements or something and the need goes. I love the chilled tiredness that exercise provides too.

What is your plan for Christmas then @witchwoo? From what you are saying you have crossed a line with the mindset towards drinking that it would be a pity to regress on. I'm not sure what to do about it, but thinking it's way off and I'll just focus on doing what's best for myself right now, today and make decisions about three weeks time in three weeks time!

Hello all, I am new here, don't really know what to expect. I am 53, married and have two teenage daughters. I have struggled with alcohol for a decade now. On and off. A few months or a few weeks sober at a time, then something triggers me and I drink again. I managed not to drink at all during the first quarantine! This time I was three weeks sober (after we agreed with husband not to go out alone, not to use credit cards), then mid week went shopping with cards, got a bottle of wine. Continued drinking for 2 days (a bottle of wine each day). Day 1 again then. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Any thoughts more than welcome.

@Mumwithissue, welcome! 🌟

How did Day 1 go?

I would say.. read read read all the quit lit you can get your hands on. And listen to podcasts. This Naked Mind, LoveSober, the Janey Lee Grace one (whatever that's called). Probably loads of other ones.

It's extremely hard to do it on willpower alone, white-knuckling it from one day to the next. You have to change your mindset so that you no longer want to drink.

Loads of people (myself included) have found it really easy once you change that mindset. And I genuinely used to struggle to have just 1 night off the wine, for years and years on end.

Keep checking in ☺️

@clocktwelve I'm feeling really positive about a sober Christmas! The only thing I'm not looking forward to is New Years Eve. DH very rarely drinks at home - maybe a handful of beers in a year - but New Year he tends to have a few and get a bit merry. It'll remind of the times I've been pregnant and have quite honestly wanted to kill him as I sat there with my cup of tea.

But I guess that's the difference - this time it's not that I can't drink. I could get absolutely hammered if I wanted to - I'm not pregnant. This time I'll be choosing not to drink.

Sometimes I think - what harm would a glass of champagne do at Christmas? But one thing I never want to experience again is the crippling anxiety from the day (days!) after a few drinks. I couldn't go back to that life.

Hey, can I join too?

Nice to find some people who are going through the same thing as me right now. I'm back to day one of no alcohol, had a bit of a wake up call when my bloody test came back as borderline ALT ...has anybody else had this?xxx

Hi @Magic1231. Does high ALT mean that you have possible liver damage? That is a wake up call - I'm sure if it is borderline then you will be able to reverse it if you give your liver a good rest from alcohol. I hope you are doing ok? @Mumwithissue hello - it sounds like you have plenty of sober time under your belt - well done. Hopefully that will mean you'll find it easy to get back there again.
@witchwoo I skulked off for a few days because I (completely thoughtlessly) drank the three mini wines I bought on Thursday, on Saturday night. And I regretted it big style. That was 5 days ago and I've no desire at al to repeat it, but I was a bit fed up with myself really. However, looking at my drink app, I've had less than 2 bottles of wine in total over nearly 6 weeks - that is very different from previously, so I'll be proud of that instead of beating myself up! Old established coping methods and habits are very hard to shake off. I've been listening to sober podcasts again and I agree they help.
I love your approach for Christmas, and you are so right, drinking brings that awful anxiety afterwards that just destroys everything. I don't usually drink a lot on Christmas day, but what i do drink is usually trying to mask the hangover from Christmas eve. What a mess! Anyway, i hope you are all doing well. I have stuffed my face today and am going to top the day off with a cup of tea (my 25th probably!!) and a huge piece of chocolate cake.

Sounds like you're doing really well, you should be proud of yourself!
I think a lot of it comes down to boredom diesnt it, and habit, you get so used to pouring a glass just to feel a bit happier, of course eventually it has the opposite effect.
Yeah high ALT is liver damage... luckily very early stages though and apparently should go down as long as I cut down on drinking. Apparently its still okay to drink the weekly recommended limits, but I wont be doing that, instead I'm drinking more cups of coffee haha xxx

Good for you @Magic1231and you are right, habit and boredom. Have you read any of the quit lit? I listened to Alcohol Explained, twice over, and also some podcasts such as Take a Break with Rachel somebody or other, and they have really enabled me to stop and think when my brain starts down the habitual thought process that inevitably ends in my finding justification to drink. The things my brain comes up with as reasons to buy wine are hilarious! But because I am a bit more tuned into what is happening, I'm finding it a lot easier to put my foot down and decide no (and mean it), then move on.
Coffee is far better than wine, so you fill your boots! I drink an unhealthy amount of tea at the moment.
How did you find out about the ALT? Via your doctor? Sounds like you've caught it in time and it can freshen itself back up nice and quickly.