Day 1 again and time to get my life back...

[witchwoo]

Hello, all :))

NC for this as want a fresh start. I posted 2 or 3 times back in the spring and regularly read the board.

So today will be my Day 1 again. I did about 70 days totally alcohol-free earlier in the year, after years of drinking nightly at home.

Mum of 4, busy busy life. A bottle of wine was the thing that allowed my mind to 'switch off' at the end of the day (whilst ironically ramping it up again at 3am worse than ever).

I felt fabulous without the wine (sleep was amazing!) and I guess I got a bit complacent. After months without even a drop of alcohol I thought I could have a weekend drink and have the weekdays sober.

The 1st week was just that - a couple of glasses of wine on a Sat night, and didn't touch a drop until the next weekend. The following weekend I drank the Friday night AND the Saturday night. And within a couple of weeks (or less) I was back to nightly drinking. And drinking even more than before.

That was about 3 months ago that I started drinking again and I've had enough! The weight I had gradually lost has piled back on (rapidly), and my sleep is terrible. I'm anxious and grumpy, and it's taking away my evenings - leaving me tired, unmotivated, and cutting the evening short. I wake up depressed, panicked, and mentally counting down the hours until I can pour the wine.

I did it before by devouring 'sober' books (all the usuals mentioned on here!) and listening to sober podcasts every night in the bath. It wasn't a case of having willpower, as being alcohol-free became something that I wanted to do, rather than it feeling like I was depriving myself of something wonderful.

So, anyway - that's the story. Friday night, kettle is on, and I'm about to cook a fab meal and become a better person (I hope).

Thanks for reading.

[Ynwa12345]

Hi @witchwoo thank you for the support and well done on day 17! I'm still day 1 lol but I got back from work and I was in a right grump (sure it's to do with drink) and said to H are you opening that wine sat there he said no and I don't know I seemed happier! And OK without it... Now this day has nearly done I'm so pleased. And also ate maybe half a pack of chocolate digestive biscuits! Mmmm enjoy your pudding.
Well done @scryingeyes too keep checking in on here!
Hope you are well @Hiccupiscal x

[witchwoo]

I think that's the trick at the moment @Ynwa12345 - substitute for another treat and enjoy it (the half pack of biscuits!). I've been reaching for a few jelly sweets when I've had a craving. Also letting myself have a pudding after dinner if I fancy one.

I started re-reading This Naked Mind last night. I first read it earlier in the year when I was still drinking, so I thought it sensible to read it again to take it all in.

Very tired today as the youngest was awake quite a lot. Usually being tired is a big trigger for me so I'll take that into account.

Strangely it seems far too easy this time around. Day 18 and I've only properly fancied a drink a handful of times. And each time it's quite quickly passed. I'm hoping something has shifted this time around.

Have a lovely day, all

[Ynwa12345]

hello everyone, hope you are all well. its my typical witching hour, so far I have eaten a packet of crisps, a large ring doughnut, a lindt round thingy, some squares of chocolate Lindt, lots of blackcurrent squash (omg I sound like a kid going crazy with candy and choc!) but its stopping me from drinking so...day 2 here nearly done!
So glad it seems easier this time round for ya @witchwoo hope it is for me too! I am just thinking of my H drinking ordering champagne for xmas day and my birthday etc... arghhh and if he opens wine in front of me I am going to be a grump but I have to keep eating chocolate I guess!
Hope you have a better more restful night tonight @witch how old is your little one?

[angorarabbit]

is it too late to join you? I've been on and off thread like others, and not managed more than a few days. I am so disappointed in myself. Today is a new day one and I'd like to check in to stay on track.

[Ynwa12345]

Hi @angorarabbit no not at all! I am on day 3 ...(recently did 71 days and went away and did moderate drinking couldn't believe I ever could tbh i.e. shared a bottle of wine instead of wanting 3 bottles and some more) and then came home and H and I started sharing wine (he drinks daily half a bottle) but I got ratty and something changed inside me, I am sure it is brain chemistry and alcohol ...anyway decided to start again lol. dont be too hard on yourself because we are all trying to do the right thing x

[witchwoo]

Welcome, @angorarabbit! Keeps posting, it definitely helps keep you accountable.

@Ynwa12345 well done on Day 3. I think it gets a tiny bit easier after that 1st 48hrs. 💪 I'm with you on the witching hour (dinner time for me). I've taken to drinking cans of fizzy orange, and I never used to drink fizzy drinks before.

Bought myself some wireless AirPod type things so I can listen to my sober podcasts easier now the bath, in bed, whilst cooking.

@Ynwa12345 my little one is 3, so still a few wakings! I also have 2 teenagers studying from home due to staff shortages (Covid) and a 10 year old moaning like hell that he's the only one going to school 😅

[witchwoo]

I was feeling a bit stressed yesterday (general chaotic life) and was thinking about how the biggest lie we tell ourselves, (and one that is deeply ingrained into our subconscious), is that alcohol relaxes you. That it relieves the stress.

Yes, you'll get that 20 min high. But then your mood goes lower than before. You can have a 2nd glass and get a 10 minute kick. By the 3rd you feel nothing at all. And for hours, if not days after, your mood is lower than before. You're anxious. You're low.

So I'm trying to compile a list of things I can do for 20 mins instead. Watch Netflix. Read my book. Have a walk with some music on. Or just shovel wine gums into my mouth if, as usual, I can't physically do those things because of the baby 😆🙄

[witchwoo]

@Hiccupiscal hope you're doing ok!

[witchwoo]

And @scryingeyes how is it going?

[Ynwa12345]

@witchwoo you are so right!!!! The 20 min high gives bad effects for days!!! Wine gums sound so good! I feel like my H doesn't do much after the school run at all and I'm having to do everything and it bugs me and I think ill be more relaxed with wine but it does for a little while as you say! Stress relievers like what you are suggesting is good. I can't bring myself to read too much quit lit I don't know why. My kids don't sleep until late either and by that time I don't want to go for a walk etc I heard meditation is really good at brain switching off but again my brain doesn't switch off!!! Hope it will all get better for everyone.
Have a great day

[witchwoo]

@Ynwa12345 I feel the same as you, in that I do everything at home. I don't moan as DH is out of the house 12-13hrs a day, (commutes from London) and works 6 or 7 days a week, but it's still bloody hard on my 'own'.

I don't know how I ever did the evening rush drinking wine though. It was fun for half an hour, then it was exhausting.

Treating myself to a nice big bar of choc tonight x

[scryingeyes]

Hi all, still here. Was really bored last night but had hot choc instead.

Am on a zoom meeting tonight so I will be occupied.

[Hiccupiscal]

Hello all!

Apologies i have been absent from the chat for a couple of days. Just caught up.

I was really very poorly Sunday night into yesterday, my cycles are erratic these days and my period arrived and without too much info, the pain has been excruciating. I couldnt even concentrate on my phone for long, so yesterday was hot water bottles, films and feeling pretty sorry for myself. DC with his dad this week so at least he didn't have to see me in pain.

On the up side, alcohol has been my absolute last thing on my mind, so I've had nothing since those aformentioned couple of glasses on the weekend, ditto ciggies.

Today feeling much better so I've been shopping. Baileys is £12 bottle in sainsbury atm. I had to pick my mum up a couple of bottles, and I've brought one for our house.. its something we always have at Xmas, and to be honest, it's a moderational drink, it's not like I'll sit down to a whole bottle of Baileys in one sitting.
I'd have some spiked in tea or hot chocolate, and a couple of glasses whilst doing the tree.

Ive been thinking very hard again what my sober journey should look like, and for me, I dont think being tee-total is achievable for me, in the place I am in at the moment - I have gone from being a heavy drinker/smoker, to having a drink on the weekend, and so far successfully by moderation.
When I go for a complete tee-total shut down, I am likely to fail, feel guilty, step away from support (eg. This thread) and spiral into the "fuck it" world of binge, feel bad, binge, feel bad.

So this is my journey, my aim is not to drink, obviously - however, if I do have a drink, my absolute aim is to drink sensible, also, only one day a week - so a minimum of 5 -7 days between drinks.

The goal is to abstain completely, obviously - but this has to be broken down into manageable chunks for me, that I can achieve, as not to have another 'quit' that is unachievable and guilt inducing.

I honestly think this approach will work better for me, than the complete quit. My next goal will be to complete dry January, I managed it about 4 years ago, and I think- following this plan i have put together of sensible alcoholic consumption it might just be achievable.
This time of year is historically difficult for me not to be drinking alcohol because of halloween, bonfire night, remembrance day, darker nights, Xmas. All quite big dates in my calendar.

....ive caught up with all the posts and I totally agree with those of you shoveling food in your mouths, I said today I was going to eat fresh and healthy (I have a fridge full)....

Instead I've had a scone with clotted cream and jam and egg mayo sandwiches with butter
... yesterday feeling unwell i had a bar of chocolate for breakfast, along with cakes and a whole load of other rubbish... then ordered a KFC for dinner.
Honestly, I am disgusting. Lol.

Still, its better than the alternative, which is smoking and drinking (I am day 3 now)

Juat wanted to also welcome @angorarabbit too, who like me has said she's on and off these kind of threads. I dont know what your previous habits were like, but prehaps something like i am attempting would also suit you better than going for a complete quit straight away.

I think its worth mentioning that dealing with alcohol etc isn't a one size fits all problem, so while a complete quit might suit some, for others it might be a different looking journey.

I think a problem we all face is stopping, then slipping up, then having these feelings of guilt or feeling inadequate, and loosing our support networks - when I had a drink on Sunday, I almost came up with a story as to why I had a drink, to write here, however I quickly gave my head a wobble and thought- why? To make myself feel better/look better? The only person I would have cheated was myself, and it was the alcohol addicted brain that was telling me to make something up, rather than just be honest.

I'm hoping this thread will be a safe space for people to also say - you know what, I had a drink, what did I learn from it (if anything!), and try again - aswel as an inspirational place for those who are achieving and kicking ass on their quit (looking at you @witchwoo)

Have a great day all
... apologies if I've rambled on!

[angorarabbit]

Hi. thanks for the welcome. Everyone has such useful insight into their own journey, it's very encouraging. I am one of those with no off button...if I open a bottle I drink it all, even though I tell myself it wont happen this time - it always does.
I live alone, and am always finding excuses to buy a bottle....stressful day at work/end of the week/deserve it etc. If only I could limit myself to a glass or two! So total abstinence seems the only way.

[fucknuckle]

hey all. just wanted to say you’re all brilliant for doing this and having this support thread.

i’m 6.5 years sober. i was a lost-everything. rock bottom alcoholic and i very nearly died. i was raised by alcoholics, first got drunk aged 8 and finally quit at 41. i lost my job, my kid, my marriage and my home. i was drinking round the clock, my life was chaos at the end. i tried so many times over the years to manage my drinking but i just couldn’t do it.

AA saved my life. it’s not for everyone, i’m not suggesting anyone on this thread needs it. but it has taught me a few tools of the trade when it comes to sobriety,

firstly, one day at a time really is the only way. if you think about never drinking again for the rest of your life it’s almost impossible to stay sober. it’s just too much to face. get your head on the pillow sober and call it a win. start again tomorrow. repeat until your brain gets the message!

secondly, you are going to crave sugar. it’s fine to eat your body weight in ice cream. be kind to yourself.

beware the witching hour. mine used to start at 4pm. try to remember that your brain can only hold on to a craving for 20 minutes. distract distract distract.

you don’t have to overhaul your entire life in one go. you don’t have to hit the gym every day, or Kondo your entire house. just do one thing at a time.

most importantly - IT GETS EASIER! i’ve been through a lot in the last 6.5 years and i can honestly say that even when things have been at their worst i haven’t thought about drinking.

just keep on keeping on. support like this thread is brilliant. be gentle with yourselves. my life is much smaller without all my drinking buddies (nearly all of them fell by the wayside), but it’s infinitely sweeter.

[Hiccupiscal]

Hello @fucknuckle (and everyone else!)
Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, the tools you have learned over your sober journey really resonated with me, and I am going to use your post as a reference and reminder.
Especially your kind words about eating
Eating has definitely become a replacement for me... and each sober day being a little win.

So I am "day 4" - and I feel utter rubbish today.my sleeping is terrible, im getting sleep paralysis, waking up, hot sweats, vivid dreams.
Everytime I quit alcohol and ciggies, this is a side effect. Usually I go back to the drinking and it stops again.
I'm guessing it's my body's way of trying to regulate to not having drink. All I know is its horrible.

As a side effect of me stopping the drink, dp has quietly come on board... he hasn't been drinking either (although he's very much still smoking but walking around mumbling about hes going to stop, hes probably about die - so dramatic 🙄- he thinks he's going to have a heart attack, etc etc)
Means we've had quiet nights watching films and pretty much being in bed before 10pm.
Hes getting up for work happier and generally seeming more productive.

So that's my update so far today...

Oh, I also managed to walk a dog yesterday, and will do so again today... and one of my dogs also got into the chicken coop yesterday, scared the chickens and one flew over next door (we are in a urban area so not like having a chicken visit is a everyday occurrence)
Having the neighbours knock the door to tell me there was a chicken trying to get into her kitchen and she was scared was not a highlight

Walking down the road with a big brown chicken under one arm, also slightly mortifying. If our neighbours didn't know about our livestock (im guessing they didn't, but some of the looks I got) they certainly do now.

That was almost a cigarette moment, if not a alcohol moment! Lol.

Hope you all have a great day.

[witchwoo]

@Hiccupiscal Love your honesty, and you're so right - you have to go with what works for you. ANY reduction in booze is a positive thing, let alone the massive reduction that's happening for you. Brilliant.

I would love to be able to moderate, and I have tried in the past. God I'd love to have a Bailey's at Xmas! But I think for me it just takes up too much head space once it starts being a feature in my life. So it's all or nothing. For now, at least. Maybe with abstinence my brain chemistry will re-set a little. See - you can tell I'm still hoping 😅

Loved the chicken story :))

@fucknuckle Thank you for taking the time to post that. You're an inspiration. And such sound advice.

Hope everyone's doing well. Day 20 here! Had a really busy day yesterday and my head was pounding in the evening. Really needed a break! So once the little one was in bed I went out for a 25 min walk around my local streets. Felt much better afterwards. And a much healthier coping mechanism than a bottle of wine :))

[witchwoo]

Day 21! Feels like a bit of a milestone.

I'm amazed at how effortless it's felt this time. I'm definitely not 'pink cloud'-ing it as I feel quite flat actually. But I don't feel like I'm missing out one bit - I strongly feel that I don't want that life anymore and shudder when I look back to how I use to self-medicate every night, religiously (having a bad day? Treat my body to a shit load of mind-altering poison, that'll make me feel better!)

Nice to be doing some self-care - the supplements, the walks, the reading, the early nights. Off to work now - have a good day, all

[Hiccupiscal]

Quick check in as it's been a few days!

Day 7, no alcohol
Day 3, no ciggies

DP did something very stupid on Wednesday, think spent a silly amount of money without telling me, honestly, I was so angry an upset, I had cigarettes as we were arguing most of the day and the stress just got too much. Weve got over it now.

I still haven't felt well on and off all week, but today feel better, looks like a quiet day ahead of us as the weather is bad and there's nothing to really do in lockdown! DC is with his dad.

No cravings for alcohol at all.

Ive been attending yoga classes online that the local teacher has set up, they've been brilliant for keeping my head straight focused!

Hope everyone else is doing really well!

[Hiccupiscal]

I meant to say I had 3 ciggies on the day of doom, when DP did something very stupid! So still not too bad!

[witchwoo]

@Hiccupiscal, hi! 👋

You're doing so well. Yoga classes etc too. Hope you're on the mend.

What are you up to today? :))

[Hiccupiscal]

Hiya witchwoo,

Well, yesterday we had our day at home (like everyone else in the UK! Lol)

I did have one drink, a very small whisky with coke & DP had one, I had about 5 ciggies, we put the racing on and had a few bets with my mum who is shielding, we had her on the phone and placed her bets on her behalf, and she watched the racing "with us" by staying on the phone, she had a sherry so we joined with one drink.
And it really was just the one drink, to be honest, i didn't even really enjoy it much, I actually tasted like alcohol, if that makes sense, not like something magical, or stress relieving.

I had no want for more.

So technically this is day 1 again, but to recap, I had 11 days alcohol free - before majorly slipping up and having 2 bottles of wine, 7 days then 2 glasses of wine, 7 days then 1 small tipple of whisky- in comparison to my old drinking habits (bottles of mixed booze in one sitting, lasting anytime from early evening to early hours of the morning, every couple of days) this is a absolutely huge turn around. Im proud.

On the evening we had an Indian take away for dawali. Lots of fireworks where we are.

No drinks today. We are watching the racing again this afternoon (we won quite a bit of money yesterday) prehaps go walk the dogs too, if the weather holds out!

Would love to hear what everyone else has been up to!

[witchwoo]

Brilliant 🌟So basically you're drinking how 'normal' people drink. A few weekend drinks, and not going over the top. Then a good few days break in between. That's a massive, massive reduction and seems to be working well.🌟

Hope you've had a nice afternoon watching the racing. We've had a country walk and now I'm just doing a roast. Loads of washing to put away too!

Hope everyone else is hanging in there :))

[Hiccupiscal]

Thank you, we have done our racing hour, drink free- although I did mention "having a whisky" and dp actually said he wasn't bothered, exactly what i needed to hear, kettle went on, snacks came out and snuggly winter clothes were put on.

I still have last weeks bottle of red wine, open!

This was after a good walk with the dogs over the country park, and a take away lunch from the cafe sat in the van.

Ive had two cigs and now dogs are knackered, dp drifting in and out of sleep on sofa and im snuggled up MN'tn and hoping we can be bothered to cook later.

All in all a good weekend!
DS back tomorrow so that will keep me drink free even more focused.

Hopefully we will hear from other friends on this thread too, seems to be only me and you atm @witchwoo! Xx

[scryingeyes]

Hi all, you're all doing really well! I seem to have gone into a pattern of one night with one night without. Last night was one bottle so good going for a Saturday.
No wine with Sunday lunch today which is a nice change. Cup of tea now before bed 😊