Day 1 again and time to get my life back...

[witchwoo]

Hello, all :))

NC for this as want a fresh start. I posted 2 or 3 times back in the spring and regularly read the board.

So today will be my Day 1 again. I did about 70 days totally alcohol-free earlier in the year, after years of drinking nightly at home.

Mum of 4, busy busy life. A bottle of wine was the thing that allowed my mind to 'switch off' at the end of the day (whilst ironically ramping it up again at 3am worse than ever).

I felt fabulous without the wine (sleep was amazing!) and I guess I got a bit complacent. After months without even a drop of alcohol I thought I could have a weekend drink and have the weekdays sober.

The 1st week was just that - a couple of glasses of wine on a Sat night, and didn't touch a drop until the next weekend. The following weekend I drank the Friday night AND the Saturday night. And within a couple of weeks (or less) I was back to nightly drinking. And drinking even more than before.

That was about 3 months ago that I started drinking again and I've had enough! The weight I had gradually lost has piled back on (rapidly), and my sleep is terrible. I'm anxious and grumpy, and it's taking away my evenings - leaving me tired, unmotivated, and cutting the evening short. I wake up depressed, panicked, and mentally counting down the hours until I can pour the wine.

I did it before by devouring 'sober' books (all the usuals mentioned on here!) and listening to sober podcasts every night in the bath. It wasn't a case of having willpower, as being alcohol-free became something that I wanted to do, rather than it feeling like I was depriving myself of something wonderful.

So, anyway - that's the story. Friday night, kettle is on, and I'm about to cook a fab meal and become a better person (I hope).

Thanks for reading.

[witchwoo]

What's struck me is that whilst I think of my glass of red wine like an old friend, ready to make things better and give me a metaphorical 'hug' at the end of a long day, it's actually more like an enemy waiting to trip me up.

In one book I read (maybe We Are The Luckiest), the author talks about wanting 'one version' of themselves. That's what I have without alcohol - one version of me. And one I'm quite proud of. After a few drinks I'm not myself, even if only subtlety - I'll do or say things I wouldn't if sober. I'm ready for one version again.

[Ladywinesalot]

I get the hug at the end of the day.

It’s something to look forward to, supposed to cheer me up.
But it doesn’t, it dulls me

And when I don’t drink I’m alert, but I’m afraid. I don’t know what to do with being alert.
It makes me realise what a loser I am.
Lack of supportive family, lack of friendships.

[witchwoo]

Definitely that - something to look forward to, and something to stop my mind from constantly overthinking (until the 3am panic arrives, as I said earlier).

The irony is, when I'm living alcohol-free the worries seem much more manageable to start with.

Hope you're ok.

Well - Day 1 done. No alcohol in the house, but amazingly I had to pop to the supermarket to buy emergency cat food at 8.30pm as didn't realise we'd ran out - no desire at all to pick up a wine, and instead bought profiteroles for DH and I. A win!

[Shell7272]

@witchwoo,I read your post in the early hours of the morning when I couldn’t sleep and couldn’t go the day with saying how honest you are and how much I admire that I certainly wasn’t as brave as you when I used to drink! It brought back a lot of memories for me this,counting down the hours for a drink and then the anxiety etc.i could never imagine my life without alcohol,the thought of never drinking again terrified me especially in stressful situations. I couldn’t even deal with a bill or getting school stuff ready without a glass of wine! I tried and failed many times and each time drank more until one day something clicked with me so keep going and good luck it really is just a day at a time and I really used to hate it when people said that to me 😂 i also have 4 children so I know how stressful it is but I’ve not drunk for 13 years now and over the years have faced all sorts of problems and in time the thought of having a drink to cope with stress never enters my head but it did take a while xx

[witchwoo]

@shell7272
Wow, 13 years! What an absolute inspiration you are.

So much of what you say rings exactly true for me and I can really relate to it.

I'm telling myself that Annie Grace would say a relapse (even a 3 month one!) is all part of the learning process, and the recovery. I've certainly learnt more about 'why' I do it. And also why I don't want to be doing it anymore.

As you say, something has really clicked this time and I know I have to make this change.

Today I've been trying to 'get curious' as Annie always says in the podcasts, and really analyse why I'm craving that glass of wine.

Thanks for the reply, it's really spurred me on.

[cherrytreeblossom]

How you doing witchywoo ?

Related so much to your post about how quickly daily drinking comes back in after a break.

I've managed nearly 18 months continuous sobriety and it's great.

I ended up going to AA - loved Annie grace etc too

Good luck !!

[witchwoo]

Thanks for checking in @cherrytreeblossom !

18 months - that's absolutely amazing.

Do you ever listen to the Annie Grace podcasts? Such an intelligent, articulate, inspirational woman. Really keeps my going.

So, Day 4. Am pleased to report it's actually been really easy so far. The deep sleep has been lovely.

I had one half an hour period yesterday when I really fancied a drink though. Had a really tiring Sunday - a whole day of cleaning, washing, breaking up arguments, making food for everyone, followed by the big supermarket food shop. Then started the Sunday roast at about 3pm.

Now I absolutely hate doing the Sunday roast. The only thing that usually gets me through is a couple of large glasses of red as I'm prepping it all.

But as I peeled a thousand (!) potatoes and felt really grumpy about how bloody boring it all was,I played it forward in my head. Yes I'd feel that buzz, that euphoria, for 20 mins or so. Probably 10 mins on the 2nd glass. And then feel pretty much numb for the remainder of the bottle.

But the rest of the night would be shit as I'd be even more knackered and grumpy.

Instead had a nice bath after dinner and watched a film on Netflix with DH - no falling asleep half way and I could actually keep the thread of what I was watching ;)

I've also found I'm not eating quite so much crap in the day as I'm not fuzzy headed and craving carbs.

Hoping for a bit of (gradual) weight loss

[OvertheInfluence]

Fellow mother of 4 with a wine habit checking in!

Like you, I've stopped for a few months in the past and lied to myself that I could control it/this time would be different/ I could be a weekend only drinker/ start after 9pm/ only special occasions.

I think I knew I was going to fail but I'd had enough of the utter relentlessness of normal life with no numbing, fuzziness to help (not that that does help, whyyy all the lies?)

But I'm back to giving sobriety a go, boring is better than 3am fears, palpitations, regrets and false promises

Day 6 today

[witchwoo]

Well done, @OvertheInfluence. Are you sleeping better?

4 kids is definitely enough to drive anyone to drink :)) Life is a bit of struggle right now - hard work, monotonous, not much sleep, loads of stress. But it's not sustainable for me to keep 'taking the edge off' in the eves by numbing my brain with alcohol.

You're right - it is all a big lie. It's not 'stress-relief' to open the wine, it makes everything worse on every level.

And on that note I've ordered, "Alcohol Lied To Me" today as I keep seeing it mentioned. It's nice to be able to actually read a book (something I struggle to do with wine).

[OvertheInfluence]

I used to be a voracious reader but lately?

Not so much.

I can understand how I can't read drunk but it has ruined my concentration levels even during the day. I used to feel bad that my only hobby was reading (how borrring) but now it's just drinking

I am sleeping better and dreaming better too, I was quite annoyed at my youngest waking me just as a dream was getting interesting with Rahul Kohli

I'm sorry to hear you've got so much stress right now, we're supposed to handle so much and still have shiny hair and a winning smile at the end of it. No wonder we're driven to the bottle!

Day 7 here and I woke early, cleaned the kitchen and sat with a cup of coffee, candles burning and music on waiting for the rest of the house to stir.

There's no drink that can beat the sweet smugness I was feeling at that moment

[scryingeyes]

Morning. Came on here looking for this kinda thread.
The self loathing I feel every night when the wine witch appears hit a new high/ low last night. So looking for support to do this. Day 1 today.

Already thinking what I can do tonight as a distraction. Knitting/ bath/ reading/colouring?

I am seriously in a rut. My evenings consist of dinner, tv, wine, bed.

So need a new hobby!




(I do tend to contribute to these threads for a few days then disappear as I've fallen off the wagon. I hereby ask you kindly to harass me until Income back if it happens again!)

[witchwoo]

@OvertheInfluence Your morning start sounds wonderful!

@scryingeyes I'm checking in with you for the witching hour. I find this is the time I most want a drink - hungry, making dinner, a bit tired by now. Once I've eaten I'm not thinking about it anymore and I'll have a much more pleasant eve without the wine. 🙏

[Hiccupiscal]

Can I join? I am on day #5 same as you op!

Before this, I had done 11 days no drink, I have also given up cigarettes, I have a huge binging habit, I cant have just one drink - I to have the bottle, then prehaps another bottle, then prehaps switching to another drink. I can handle my drink very well.

The aftermath and self loathing and hangovers are absolutely terrible, and can last for days.

I'm currently trying to hang onto the hangover, anxious, self loathing after feeling to stop me from reaching for the bottle.

Instead I seem to have my head stuck in the fridge I'm snacking on anything I can get my hands on... which is counter productive when I'm trying to loose weight too!

@scryingeyes I am like you, I keep popping in on here, falling off the wagon, feeling shit and appearing again. Its so frustrating, I almost self sabotage especially when I am doing well.

I have just re-joined the gym and will be going to yoga class tommorow night. I need to find motivation to get healthy food in the house and start cooking etc

I have been under a great deal of stress for the last few years, and its still ongoing, which doesn't help when trying to stay sober. Ive been using alcohol as a huge crutch and to try and help me get through and forget things. The reality of it is that its is great for the first few drinks, and that fuzzy feeling when things seem easier for a little while, but it soon turns dark, and can cause my partner and I to turn on each other (as we enviably get talking about the things that have caused the stress)

Even darker still the next day when I cant remember parts of the night and DP can re-call.

Its nice to read of others who are on a similar timescale to me. I hope we can keep each other going!

And hopefully this time @scryingeyes we won't be doing a "fallen off the wagon" runner...

[scryingeyes]

I'm not thinking about wine today as I haven't got any , but I do have a bottle of Bailies in the fridge which I'm going to have to encourage my DH to finish.

Already worried about being the non drinker in the party. Which is silly cos when am I ever going to another party at this rate! I quite like a zero% beer though.

[Hiccupiscal]

@scryingeyes Don't project, you're worrying about something that hasn't happened yet, I worry about social events too, as I'm known for my ability to drink, and my friends drink too... but I shall cross bridges when it comes to it.
A couple of months ago I did go to a party and only drink 0% beer, im not going to lie, it was hard work, and I got bored quite quickly. Plus the pressure on me to drink, made it really quite miserable... but I did it, I got through, and the next day I was so proud of myself whilst everyone else was full of regret and hungover!

You've got this. Just take it one day at a time.

[witchwoo]

Ahh welcome, @Hiccupiscal - nice to be on the same 'day' as you :)) And well done on giving up the cigarettes too.

You'll feel great starting at the gym again, and yoga will be perfect to relax the mind too. New beginnings - how exciting :))

[Hiccupiscal]

@witchwoo its so lovely to 'meet' someone on the same quit date as me. Ive read lots of these threads, but im usually quite put off by all the people who have been sober for a long time (happy for them!) But then it seems unattainable for me.
Knowing someone is in the early days of the journey with me will really help, I think.

I have added up how much ciggies would usually cost me per week, and on a Friday, I take out the amount i would have spent from the bank and put it in a savings jar, also money saved if I would have usually brought a drink (eg. Dp saying "shall we go to pub" WHEN I say no, I put at least the cost of one drink into the savings jar)
My thoughts are that I save the money and spend it on treats, stuff from lush, a facial, days out, Xmas gifts for DC.

I find this a good incentive. I was so disappointed when I brought ciggies and alcohol last week, and couldn't treat myself to taking the money out the bank at the end of the week.

Another 3 days until hopefully I can take the money out for the jar!

Let's all try and stay strong. What incentives are others using?

[witchwoo]

Day 6! Hope everyone had a good eve. @scryingeyes did you make it through? 🙏

@Hiccupiscal Money is a huge incentive. I love having candles on in the eve, and treated myself to a lovely cinnamon one, and some soy tealights. Usually would see that as a waste of money, but justified it by thinking how I would have drank that amount of money in wine over 2 nights, and these will last weeks.

I'm looking forward to fitting into my nice clothes again! When I'm drinking I have no control over my food and end up eating all sorts of things without even thinking about it. Weight loss was very gradual when I dropped the booze before. But suddenly nearly 3 months had gone and I realised I'd lost a stone without cutting back on anything.

[witchwoo]

@Ladywinesalot how are you? :))

[witchwoo]

@Hiccupiscal Yoga class tonight! Hope you're looking forward to it

[witchwoo]

@OvertheInfluence yesterday was your '1 week' 💪 brilliant. Hope you're well

[scryingeyes]

Yes, day one done. No problem. It'll be day 3 and 4 I'll be missing it. Feeling lighter today. Lots of vivid dreams though.

[Cakecrumbsinmybra]

Well done all. Day 2 here... Longest I've gone without alcohol, since pregnancy, would be 2 weeks, so 30 days is going to be a big achievement. I'm reading the Alcohol Experiment and doing the exercises. I read half of This Naked Mind last year, so will dig that out again.

[witchwoo]

Brilliant, @scryingeyes

Welcome, @Cakecrumbsinmybra. I'm yet to do the Alcohol Experiment! It sounds really interesting from what I've heard.

I might re-read her book too. I 'sort of' enjoyed it when I read it before before, much preferred other ones to be fair. But it's her podcasts that make it for me - amazing.

I never touched a drop in pregnancy either - although to be fair, I only took to drinking wine in the evenings after I had baby no.3. Was quite alright before that.

Had a busy day with the kids. Baking, and a cold park visit. I would have loved to have grabbed a bottle of wine on the way back home. But here I am in my witching hour, making dinner with an orange juice and lemonade on the go..(!)

[Cakecrumbsinmybra]

Thank you.

I can't decide whether to have a tonic, or even a tonic and "botanical" gin replacement, or save that for for the weekend??

My sister is coming this weekend. She drinks a fair bit. However her DH is teetotal, and my DH only drinks every now and then, so I suppose it could be a lot worse. I need to stop seeing anything negative about this.

How to you get the Annie Grace podcasts?