Day 1 again and time to get my life back...

[witchwoo]

Hello, all :))

NC for this as want a fresh start. I posted 2 or 3 times back in the spring and regularly read the board.

So today will be my Day 1 again. I did about 70 days totally alcohol-free earlier in the year, after years of drinking nightly at home.

Mum of 4, busy busy life. A bottle of wine was the thing that allowed my mind to 'switch off' at the end of the day (whilst ironically ramping it up again at 3am worse than ever).

I felt fabulous without the wine (sleep was amazing!) and I guess I got a bit complacent. After months without even a drop of alcohol I thought I could have a weekend drink and have the weekdays sober.

The 1st week was just that - a couple of glasses of wine on a Sat night, and didn't touch a drop until the next weekend. The following weekend I drank the Friday night AND the Saturday night. And within a couple of weeks (or less) I was back to nightly drinking. And drinking even more than before.

That was about 3 months ago that I started drinking again and I've had enough! The weight I had gradually lost has piled back on (rapidly), and my sleep is terrible. I'm anxious and grumpy, and it's taking away my evenings - leaving me tired, unmotivated, and cutting the evening short. I wake up depressed, panicked, and mentally counting down the hours until I can pour the wine.

I did it before by devouring 'sober' books (all the usuals mentioned on here!) and listening to sober podcasts every night in the bath. It wasn't a case of having willpower, as being alcohol-free became something that I wanted to do, rather than it feeling like I was depriving myself of something wonderful.

So, anyway - that's the story. Friday night, kettle is on, and I'm about to cook a fab meal and become a better person (I hope).

Thanks for reading.

Hello all,

I did update, but only on one thread, I missed this one until the new comments started coming in, I've copied and pasted my last accountability post below:
...................
8 days alcohol free, the Boris announces lockdown, I spiral and drink 2 bottles of red and 20 ciggies... I had just started at the gym, yoga, aquafit, started feeling happy again, looking after myself, going hairdressers, skincare regimes, just started living, now its all going to go again...
I just can't belive it, I had decorated for Halloween, we only had one family come on the walk past, it was all just so depressing and stressful.

I mean im still pleased with myself, as 2 bottles and 20 cigs is nothing compared to what I can drink -

Today is the 1st November.
I'm going to be sober for the whole month.

A new fresh start.

I'm just not sure now how to busy myself now we are going back into lockdown so I don't drink... but ive got to do it, somehow....

..................

So im back on the sober train, and 2 days in (also no cigs) It took up until yesterday afternoon to start feeling right again... ive given my head a wobble, had a word with myself about impending lockdown (everyone going through it, not an excuse to drink etc) decided (as I mentioned above) this is November, a fresh start, and I can start by being clean for this month.

Ive been to my final gym classes, and have spin and yoga tommorow before they shut totally on Thursday. Ive been shopping and had a major treat fest. Brought practically the whole of lush, posh candles, books, vegan cook book (im not vegan, but aspire to eat better) I love eco friendly items - so have brought healthy organic foods, reusable organic bamboo pads etc, ect -

I'm going to spend the next 4 weeks trying to practice lots of quiet self care:

Reading instead of hours of staring at my phone & MN'ing (I do hours of lurking without realising!)

Instead of binging on netflix until 1/2am, actually go to bed

Lots of baths. Lots of skincare.

"Walk a dog a day" - I have dogs. I have 2 very lazy dogs, and one not lazy dog. Sometimes dogs don't get walked, because 2 out of 3 just don't care.... well over the next 4 weeks they will care, because they are coming for a walk daily, on rotation. Good for me. Good for the dogs.

Cook. Lots of cooking. Going to make healthy meals.

Tidy/declutter & organise spare bedroom and try and make it into some kind of sanctuary for reading, yoga, meditation (or hiding from DP)

So... those are my hopeful plans. To keep me going through lockdoqn and not spiral and drink for fun, boredom, because DP is etc.

Now pubs ect are shut down, that'll put a stop to dp, and I doubt he will bother at home of I am not drinking too.

Really enjoyed catching up with the accountability posts, I can really relate to the PP talking about altered versions to thierselves...

Would like to wish @witchwoo a happy belated birthday and say that I know what you mean about drinking because your partner is being an arse, I would reach for a bottle based on my DP moods too.... used to annoy me the most, why was I drinking because someone else was in a grump?! Also, totally relate to what you were saying about having a few then making plans, the amount of time I would have a drink, send drunk messages, and be arranging to meet up with God knows who, then regretting it totally! And so many text conversations that you wake up the next day and think..... wtf, why did I say/offer/do that...?

Thank god I havent been on SM for a few years because I am sure it would have been alot worse!

When I had a drink on Halloween night, I messaged a friend a load of rubbish and was saying I would call her and we could talk any time, and I'd come and see her the next day. When I woke up with my hangover the next day, i didn't even want to read the messages back, I just deleted the whole chat. Its a nightmare and I need to keep all these things at the forefront of my mind to stop any "fuck it" moments!

Hello all,

I did update, but only on one thread, I missed this one until the new comments started coming in, I've copied and pasted my last accountability post below:
...................
8 days alcohol free, the Boris announces lockdown, I spiral and drink 2 bottles of red and 20 ciggies... I had just started at the gym, yoga, aquafit, started feeling happy again, looking after myself, going hairdressers, skincare regimes, just started living, now its all going to go again...
I just can't belive it, I had decorated for Halloween, we only had one family come on the walk past, it was all just so depressing and stressful.

I mean im still pleased with myself, as 2 bottles and 20 cigs is nothing compared to what I can drink -

Today is the 1st November.
I'm going to be sober for the whole month.

A new fresh start.

I'm just not sure now how to busy myself now we are going back into lockdown so I don't drink... but ive got to do it, somehow....

..................

So im back on the sober train, and 2 days in (also no cigs) It took up until yesterday afternoon to start feeling right again... ive given my head a wobble, had a word with myself about impending lockdown (everyone going through it, not an excuse to drink etc) decided (as I mentioned above) this is November, a fresh start, and I can start by being clean for this month.

Ive been to my final gym classes, and have spin and yoga tommorow before they shut totally on Thursday. Ive been shopping and had a major treat fest. Brought practically the whole of lush, posh candles, books, vegan cook book (im not vegan, but aspire to eat better) I love eco friendly items - so have brought healthy organic foods, reusable organic bamboo pads etc, ect -

I'm going to spend the next 4 weeks trying to practice lots of quiet self care:

Reading instead of hours of staring at my phone & MN'ing (I do hours of lurking without realising!)

Instead of binging on netflix until 1/2am, actually go to bed

Lots of baths. Lots of skincare.

"Walk a dog a day" - I have dogs. I have 2 very lazy dogs, and one not lazy dog. Sometimes dogs don't get walked, because 2 out of 3 just don't care.... well over the next 4 weeks they will care, because they are coming for a walk daily, on rotation. Good for me. Good for the dogs.

Cook. Lots of cooking. Going to make healthy meals.

Tidy/declutter & organise spare bedroom and try and make it into some kind of sanctuary for reading, yoga, meditation (or hiding from DP)

So... those are my hopeful plans. To keep me going through lockdoqn and not spiral and drink for fun, boredom, because DP is etc.

Now pubs ect are shut down, that'll put a stop to dp, and I doubt he will bother at home of I am not drinking too.

Really enjoyed catching up with the accountability posts, I can really relate to the PP talking about altered versions to thierselves...

Would like to wish @witchwoo a happy belated birthday and say that I know what you mean about drinking because your partner is being an arse, I would reach for a bottle based on my DP moods too.... used to annoy me the most, why was I drinking because someone else was in a grump?! Also, totally relate to what you were saying about having a few then making plans, the amount of time I would have a drink, send drunk messages, and be arranging to meet up with God knows who, then regretting it totally! And so many text conversations that you wake up the next day and think..... wtf, why did I say/offer/do that...?

Thank god I havent been on SM for a few years because I am sure it would have been alot worse!

When I had a drink on Halloween night, I messaged a friend a load of rubbish and was saying I would call her and we could talk any time, and I'd come and see her the next day. When I woke up with my hangover the next day, i didn't even want to read the messages back, I just deleted the whole chat. Its a nightmare and I need to keep all these things at the forefront of my mind to stop any "fuck it" moments!

Hello all,

I did update, but only on one thread, I missed this one until the new comments started coming in, I've copied and pasted my last accountability post below:
...................
8 days alcohol free, the Boris announces lockdown, I spiral and drink 2 bottles of red and 20 ciggies... I had just started at the gym, yoga, aquafit, started feeling happy again, looking after myself, going hairdressers, skincare regimes, just started living, now its all going to go again...
I just can't belive it, I had decorated for Halloween, we only had one family come on the walk past, it was all just so depressing and stressful.

I mean im still pleased with myself, as 2 bottles and 20 cigs is nothing compared to what I can drink -

Today is the 1st November.
I'm going to be sober for the whole month.

A new fresh start.

I'm just not sure now how to busy myself now we are going back into lockdown so I don't drink... but ive got to do it, somehow....

..................

So im back on the sober train, and 2 days in (also no cigs) It took up until yesterday afternoon to start feeling right again... ive given my head a wobble, had a word with myself about impending lockdown (everyone going through it, not an excuse to drink etc) decided (as I mentioned above) this is November, a fresh start, and I can start by being clean for this month.

Ive been to my final gym classes, and have spin and yoga tommorow before they shut totally on Thursday. Ive been shopping and had a major treat fest. Brought practically the whole of lush, posh candles, books, vegan cook book (im not vegan, but aspire to eat better) I love eco friendly items - so have brought healthy organic foods, reusable organic bamboo pads etc, ect -

I'm going to spend the next 4 weeks trying to practice lots of quiet self care:

Reading instead of hours of staring at my phone & MN'ing (I do hours of lurking without realising!)

Instead of binging on netflix until 1/2am, actually go to bed

Lots of baths. Lots of skincare.

"Walk a dog a day" - I have dogs. I have 2 very lazy dogs, and one not lazy dog. Sometimes dogs don't get walked, because 2 out of 3 just don't care.... well over the next 4 weeks they will care, because they are coming for a walk daily, on rotation. Good for me. Good for the dogs.

Cook. Lots of cooking. Going to make healthy meals.

Tidy/declutter & organise spare bedroom and try and make it into some kind of sanctuary for reading, yoga, meditation (or hiding from DP)

So... those are my hopeful plans. To keep me going through lockdoqn and not spiral and drink for fun, boredom, because DP is etc.

Now pubs ect are shut down, that'll put a stop to dp, and I doubt he will bother at home of I am not drinking too.

Really enjoyed catching up with the accountability posts, I can really relate to the PP talking about altered versions to thierselves...

Would like to wish @witchwoo a happy belated birthday and say that I know what you mean about drinking because your partner is being an arse, I would reach for a bottle based on my DP moods too.... used to annoy me the most, why was I drinking because someone else was in a grump?! Also, totally relate to what you were saying about having a few then making plans, the amount of time I would have a drink, send drunk messages, and be arranging to meet up with God knows who, then regretting it totally! And so many text conversations that you wake up the next day and think..... wtf, why did I say/offer/do that...?

Thank god I havent been on SM for a few years because I am sure it would have been alot worse!

When I had a drink on Halloween night, I messaged a friend a load of rubbish and was saying I would call her and we could talk any time, and I'd come and see her the next day. When I woke up with my hangover the next day, i didn't even want to read the messages back, I just deleted the whole chat. Its a nightmare and I need to keep all these things at the forefront of my mind to stop any "fuck it" moments!

I needed a drink just posting my update

20 minutes to write it, another 15 or so getting the 'post' button to actually put it on the thread!

Off to watch netflix now (not until 2am!!!!!!)

I needed a drink just posting my update

20 minutes to write it, another 15 or so getting the 'post' button to actually put it on the thread!

Off to watch netflix now (not until 2am!!!!!!)

Ha ha :))

Day 13. Thank you very much for the birthday wishes.

Well done, @Hiccupiscal for getting back on it. Messing up is all part of the learning process and I think you come back a lot stronger from it as it reinforces why you want to do this.

Totally with you on the texts, conversations etc. I've deleted whole threads unread too. What amazes me is that I still do a lot of the random conversations when sober, but I don't second guess myself on them.

For example I'll send a meme or a gif on Whatsapp, or some sort of joke which is a bit close to the edge. If I'm drunk I'll wake up the next day and think, "I really shouldn't have sent that!". As I'm doubting my judgement. Whereas sober it's fine as I knew at the time I sent it I was clear of mind, so I accept my judgement 😅

Love the self-care plan! I'm very much into eco, vegan, natural things too. Unfortunately I don't get 5 mins to have a cup of tea most days, but I'm trying to be kinder to myself. I need to lose a few pounds and I can start feeling better about myself as I can wear nice things instead the sane few pieces (that fit!) in rotation.

The more I find out about how alcohol totally messes with your brain chemistry, the more I feel like I never want to drink again. Was laying in bed last night and had a really happy feeling pass over me when I thought about how I never have to feel like that again. How alcohol made me feel. Anxious, and out of control.

I mean, yes, I will very much feel anxious and out of control again about things in the future. But it won't be because I've purposefully messed up my whole brain chemistry.

You sound like you've got a wonderful plan there - take this opportunity to turn it all around, and start the rest of your life. How exciting.

Keep us updated!

I take my hat off to you for stopping smoking and drinking at the same time.

I am really really glad I have never smoked cos going by my success rate of dieting and stopping drinking, I would struggle with that addiction too.

Another day another dollar. Let's hope nothing comes up to jeopardise my mood today.

Brilliant, @scryingeyes

Today is enough to drive anyone to drink (Lockdown Eve, elections)

Helps to remember that willpower alone can't do this. You have to want 'not' to drink. See it for ty poison it is.

Got 4 weeks of lockdown and I want to come out of this sober, and healthier -body and mind. Not that I'll be hiding at home (keyworker job!)

*the poison

@OvertheInfluence How are you doing?

Hello friends

Day 4, last day of gym work yesterday, spin class and I almost DIED. It was only 20 minutes long, not only did I rock up just before it started, realise all the bikes had changed since I last went (about 2 years ago ) didn't have a clue what I was doing, had to sit at the front of a very established class of people
Instructor actually stopped the class to set up bike and explain how it worked x2
By the time the class had finished, I thought I was going to faint, I felt sick, couldn't breathe...
It took me about 3 hours to get over it

On the evening I had yoga which I love.

When I got home DP was in a mood, I said that our (male) yoga teacher would be doing online classes during lockdown and his response was shit (why do you need some halfwit to teach you yoga. Will he be able to see into the house?) Like we have some top secret operation going on in our spare bedroom

Usually his comments would have me reaching for a bottle, but not last night. I took some deep breaths, reminded myself im not responsible for his moods, and its because im doing something good, he doesnt like it, and got on with my evening (cooked my dinner, went to bed before him)

Yesterday I also went and got my belly button pierced, now I understand I now sound like a 16 year old school girl, but there's something about going and doing it that made me feel a little bit more "me" again! I used to have lots of piercings but took them all out when I thought I should be growing up in my late 20s (grown up! Late 20s I got it all backwards!)

Today as we all know is lockdown day number one.

Today I shall take DC to school, and spend the schooling hours locking myself in the bathroom and doing a pamper party, lighting candles, watching abit of tele and even.... READING.

Walk a dog a day can start tommorow

Trying to stay positive. Accountable. Getting through another day.

Bonfire night tonight. Going to save the "big night" for Saturday, but usually any reason to drink, so bonfire night would 100% be one of them. Will resist!

@Hiccupiscal In my head you were early 20s with no children. Funny how you subconsciously create a picture of someone! :))

Bloody well done on the exercise! And love the belly button piercing. How nice to do something that makes you feel like 'you'.

So I was reading my Alcohol Lied To Me last night and ended up ordering loads of supplements on his recommendation. Should arrive tomorrow - hoping to lift my mood, repair my body a bit.

Also (I'm rushing a bit as I have to go out) but there was an amazing fact to keep you motivated. On why having 'just 1 drink' doesn't work once you've been a 'drinker'. Or why having an occasional drink can't ever be a thing.

The craving we have when we stop drinking is actually withdrawal. So when we've stopped drinking, and it comes to the evening and we feel like a glass of wine would take the edge off, that's purely because our brain chemicals are in withdrawal.

It takes about 2 weeks for the chemical imbalance in your brain to even out after your last sip of alcohol. So you may get sober, but think you can treat yourself to a glass of Bailey's on Christmas Day (or whatever). Even 1 sip of alcohol starts the whole process again and you'll be craving/anxious/out of sorts for another 2 weeks.

That fact really turned things around for me!

(And Day 14 here, so hopefully a nice turning point!)

@Hiccupiscal and I'll think we'll do bonfire night on Sat too (hot dogs, sparklers). Usually a great excuse to hit the mulled wine (any wine!) and knock it back. I might buy an alcohol free mulled wine to get in the mood 🌟

@witchwoo how funny... i wish I was early 20s. Ive been drinking throughout my 20s, getting worse in my mid-late 20s, and even worse in my 30s.
Im very much mid 30s, with 1 DC, who I share 50/50 with ex H (one week one, one week off) that might be why my posts read a little bit "I have loads of free time & no responsibilities, What ever shall I do with it?!"

DP is in his early 50s! Can be totally grumpy, somewhat controlling, stuck in his ways (ie. Doesn't like to change), ex forces, makes him somewhat inflexible, but he works hard, does his fair share, we have fun, and he gives me a good lifestyle.

All very outing, but gives you a better idea who I am.

So far my morning of relaxation hasn't been very relaxing! We have dogs and chickens. Ive had to clean out the chickens, clean up after dogs, feed, water all of them- dont know how but they had made a terrible mess... then dogs walked mess all over house (not envy)
All in all its been quite stressful.

I decided F-it and made myself a dirty fry up, dark tea and sat on the sofa with a packet (or two) of thick chocolate biscuits and mumsnet

So diets out the window, haha, but I figured if im not smoking or drinking, I'm allowed something...
I'll be good tommorow.

Ive got a whole list of things I should be doing, but im trying to force myself to switch off and ignore it!

I love the idea of alcohol free mulled wine, if you find any that is decent, please let me know! Every single alcohol free wine ive had, has always tasted rubbish! Congratulations on day 14 too! Two weeks is a wonderful achievement! You must feel so proud!

Hi just to say I'm with you. I also did 70 days earlier and broke it for moderation but even few days on I am feeling pretty crappy. I much prefer my version of sober! Good luck..

@Ynwa12345

Hi just to say I'm with you. I also did 70 days earlier and broke it for moderation but even few days on I am feeling pretty crappy. I much prefer my version of sober! Good luck..

70 days is amazing!! Will you continue to moderate or return to being tee-total?

@witchwoo I was also meant to say, mentioned Baileys and Christmas! Oh no.
That IS my Xmas drink. I drink it putting up the tree. Watching Xmas films. In hot chocolate at xmas markets & Just because.
Ive been drinking it since I was about 16, when my parents gave me a bottle for Xmas.

When I was cleaning the animals earlier I was thinking about Xmas and the bloody baileys and wondering what a Xmas without it would look like?
Had to give my head a shake and realise I'm not there yet and ill cross the Xmas bridge when I come to it!

Hi @Hiccupiscal thanks for your lovely words. I did 10 months before and this time in the 70 days also gave up smoking but alas back to it I need a vice! I've downloaded Craig becks book as a lot said that changed their way of thinking! No I don't think I even want to moderate do you know what i mean? I just don't like the feeling day after and the next and the ever so awful anxiety comes back in waves... I was much happier without drink I have to say I hate that I think I can go back to it 'normally'. I was in another thread and we all started out together and I feel like I've let them down now..
Baileys yummy oh gosh but yes cross that bridge later!

How have you stopped smoking BTW @Hiccupiscal have you done drink and smoke at the same time? (sorry haven't read through the thread properly!)

Morning at @witchwoo just read back and you are reading the book too so i am going to get past the first few pages and read up on the supplements. Good job you mentioned the 2 week thing I didn't realise so I feel I'm back to square one!
Loads of fireworks last night...

Hi everyone,
Can I recommend joining an app called 'sober grid' it's really very basic, but a way to stay accountable. Check in, make yourself really think about why you're trying to quit, a counter for days done as well as other people's encouragements.
I read this at trigger time (5 pm) and it stops me picking up the drink.
Also- ready AA posts on Facebook or Instagram from people who were much further down the line than you or I- and see what you've got to lose! It's very eye opening to see how bad this can become.
30 days sober here.
But I have to say the weight loss was part of my motivation and so far.... none. 😡

Happy Friday, everyone!

Lovely reading your updates and messages - will reply properly tonight :))

Morning everyone,
So I had my day of relaxation in the end, but my god the evening was a challenge.
DP was in good spirits, fireworks in our neighbourhood EVERYWHERE, Neighbours happy, DC on his best behaviour, I mentioned in passing id love a cig and a drink, DP cracked open the whisky and he smokes...
I almost succumbed, said yes to a cig, then realised I didn't have any in the house... then said no when DP offered to roll me one up (i am also brilliantly lazy so won't go to the shop to buy)
I busied myself with DC & things around the house until DC bedtime and when I came back down, thankfully DP was making a cup of tea...

So, deep breaths, I MADE IT

It was a real challenge, but im really pleased I got through and this morning have a clear head.

@Ynwa12345 ..
Going back to drinking you haven't let anyone down, but I must admit I can sympathise, last night when I was tempted (for what felt like forever) I kept thinking about this thread and coming here and having to say I had failed again! Even tried to rationalise it by thinking "why do I need to be accountable to strangers online" but I knew that's my addiction brain talking, trying to justify just one drink (its never EVER one..)
With the smoking, I have just stopped.

I have to add here, that I'm not an addicted smoker as in, I wake up and have to have one (DP is), i can sometimes go a day without one (usually when I have a hangover) I'm a habitual smoker rather than an addiction smoker, I still did smoke quite heavily, prehaps, 6 packs per week.
But my real problem is when I start drinking. Ill chain smoke, up to 40 in one sitting. Its disgusting and I hate it.

So if I stop the drinking, the smoking naturally comes with it. It makes it easier to stop.
Its not fool proof, but if I stop alcohol, I find it easier to stop smoking too.

I'm having rubbish nights sleep and vivid dreams, lower right back pain and unsure why. I have read the sleep and dreams can be a cause of quitting and body trying to reset.

Just crossing everything I can get through this weekend sober and clean... we are doing our bonfire night tommorow night, and although I am excited, I am apprehensive as I know it'll be a huge trigger.

Wishing you all a happy Friday 😊

Wow well done @Hiccupiscal for the whole of your entire evening!!! You should be so proud you didn't succumb! I find it hard when H opens wine daily around 4pm. I didn't touch it for ages but it did bother me he was drinking around me and why couldn't I malarkey... So we went away last weekend last minute but because I was on holiday mode I drank but didn't over drink my H was more drunk than me!
Thanks for telling me about the smoking aspect too I'm like your H have to have one in the morning.... Arghh but I can't do both at the same time but deep down I don't want to do either!!! Sorry you are having rubbish sleep too so am I.. And wierd dreams one was my H having an affair with a women with double ds in a bikini?!! Wtf
Enjoy your bonfire night sounds so nice I wish i had thought ahead and at least got some sparklers for my kids..
Happy Friday x

Just quick reply @Ynwa12345
But yes - you had a drink on holiday but didn't over indulge! I would say that's fantastic and you should beat yourself up. I regularly talk to my mum about drinking, and my battle with it (we come from a huge family of drinkers), and she says to be kind to yourself and not say it'll be forever, as that puts guilt and pressure on yourself... but realistic targets (ie..not this week, not today, not this hour)... so going on holiday and having a drink? And not going crazy? Continuing onto the next day, the next day, the next? Still a wonderful achievement and nothing to be upset about.

Reset your thinking, you've had a drink, but controlled it. Now back to not drinking. For today. Tommoeow. The next day. Then revisit it.

Will post again later; but just wanted to quickly add this:)