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Alcohol support

Day 1 again and time to get my life back...

148 replies

witchwoo · 23/10/2020 16:21

Hello, all :))

NC for this as want a fresh start. I posted 2 or 3 times back in the spring and regularly read the board.

So today will be my Day 1 again. I did about 70 days totally alcohol-free earlier in the year, after years of drinking nightly at home.

Mum of 4, busy busy life. A bottle of wine was the thing that allowed my mind to 'switch off' at the end of the day (whilst ironically ramping it up again at 3am worse than ever).

I felt fabulous without the wine (sleep was amazing!) and I guess I got a bit complacent. After months without even a drop of alcohol I thought I could have a weekend drink and have the weekdays sober.

The 1st week was just that - a couple of glasses of wine on a Sat night, and didn't touch a drop until the next weekend. The following weekend I drank the Friday night AND the Saturday night. And within a couple of weeks (or less) I was back to nightly drinking. And drinking even more than before.

That was about 3 months ago that I started drinking again and I've had enough! The weight I had gradually lost has piled back on (rapidly), and my sleep is terrible. I'm anxious and grumpy, and it's taking away my evenings - leaving me tired, unmotivated, and cutting the evening short. I wake up depressed, panicked, and mentally counting down the hours until I can pour the wine.

I did it before by devouring 'sober' books (all the usuals mentioned on here!) and listening to sober podcasts every night in the bath. It wasn't a case of having willpower, as being alcohol-free became something that I wanted to do, rather than it feeling like I was depriving myself of something wonderful.

So, anyway - that's the story. Friday night, kettle is on, and I'm about to cook a fab meal and become a better person (I hope).

Thanks for reading.

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witchwoo · 28/10/2020 19:11

@Cakecrumbsinmybra I have a 'podcasts' app on my iphone which I use. I'm sure there must be other ways.

God, yes - this is the thing. Social occasions. I'm lucky in that, like you, my DH isn't a drinker. He has started having a 'social' pint (sometimes 2) when he finishes work on Fri (gets the Tube home). But he only has a drink at home a handful of times a year. A bottle of beer when doing a BBQ type thing. Not sure I'd cope so well if he was a drinker...

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OvertheInfluence · 29/10/2020 07:49

Hey! Sorry I slipped off...real life got in the way.

Still here, still sober.

Ds13 had a health scare which involved a trip to hospital. Usually I would have drank from the worry then drank from the relief that he was okay.

I mean, I could drink to mark happy occasions, bleak occasions, good weather, autumnal nights, winter festivities, because I'm with family or I'm without. You name an occasion and I would drink to it.

But not this week.

Hiccupsical I have a clothes horde I'm waiting to fit back into. I have refused to buy clothes for this shape so spend my days in overstretched lounge wear...good for the ego it is not! 😂

Thank you for checking in on me witchwoo, it helps to know that there's support out there.

Thursday is here, I'd usually argue with myself that it was basically the weekend, I won't be drinking to that!

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Cakecrumbsinmybra · 29/10/2020 17:19

Well done for not drinking, I hope your son is OK?

I'm sitting down with a tonic and ice, taking the time to relax with it. I generally manage 2 days off a week, so tonight would be back on it. Tbh right now I am not bothered. And by the time I've cooked dinner the urge is usually gone. Whereas if I've had a drink then I'll have more after dinner.

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Hiccupiscal · 29/10/2020 18:48

Hello my fellow none drinkers.

I'm on day 7 now. Its not easy. Im getting that itch, this time last week was my 'fuck it' day after 11 days, im fighting the urge not to go back there again today.

Its really not helped by the fact DP is in a foul mood, has been all day... he said he got rained off this morning, but then "stayed working" ..he messaged me about an hour or so ago saying he was "going for a pint"...

Hes come back home, in a mood, asked me why the door was locked and has disappeared straight upstairs to bed, without another word.

My spidey senses are tingling and telling me he's been in the pub for much more than one.

Hence avoiding me.

I havent made a deal about it. I cba, im struggling as it is and it's up to him if he wants to drink and smoke, I get the feeling he's being an arse because im really trying and doing OK, and its highlighting his inability to do so.

So last night I went to yoga, and it was really very good! I used to go, but lost my way a couple of years ago, had a terrible few years and just gave up (and drank all my stress away I guess!)
Yoga teacher did loads of talking about facing fear and resetting yourself and looking after your body physically and mentally, at one point I might have rolled my eyes at all this 'higher power' stuff, but what he was saying was really hurting home.

I came home feeling great, made a healthy stir fry and was asleep by 10:45pm.

I brought myself some flowers :)

This morning I went to aquafit and had a lovely time, and I've done some errands.... tonight I've booked in for another yoga class (im sure this is why DP is in a mood, he doesnt like my new interests)

Something inside of me is pulling me towards alcohol, but I know I've got to keep going.
I think its harder because I've given up the ciggies too, when DP is like this it really upsets me and my remedy to being upset (or happy, or excited, or bored) is to reach for the drink and fags.

Now I have neither, and neither is hard.

Ive just got to stay focused and not let other people's moods or darkness affect mine. I generally feel in a good place. I dont want to spiral.

Thanks for everyone contributing to this thread, its so helpful to read.

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Hiccupiscal · 29/10/2020 18:50

*hitting home

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OvertheInfluence · 29/10/2020 20:52

Thanks cakes he's fine.

I had a glimmer of the urge this evening

"You could have Friday off, you'll have done 10 days by then. Nothing wrong with a night off. You can just have one night of fuzzy buzzy -ness"

But I can't, not really. I know what would really happen. I'd wake up in the night loathing myself and my weakness, I'd stumble through Saturday like a zombie and then I'd totally fail at abstaining once 5pm comes round so I'd repeat and repeat and never stop.

Sorry for the monologue, it helps to play it forward here in writing, so I can't kid myself.

Hiccupsical you're amazing to give up both the drink and cigarettes. I stopped smoking and it took about a month to feel like I'd made it and was a non-smoker so here's to the end of November and our new slim, sober, smoke-free selves

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witchwoo · 29/10/2020 21:05

Well done, everyone. Lovely to read your updates.

Day 7 here. I only work part-time at the min because of the kids, but had a full busy day at work today. Came home via the supermarket (didn't even occur to me to hit the wine aisle. That's unthinkable usually after a day at work - a drink is my 'reward').

Was about to start dinner and the washing machine had leaked an inch of water over the utility room. Completely buggered and mess everywhere, rug soaked, kids trainers soaked. It's also secretly a huge panic of mine when the washing machine breaks - anyone with a family of 6 knows you can't go a day without putting a huge load in or you'll never catch up.

Usually I would have been downing a glass of wine at this point, but I didn't. I calmly got on with it and saw it for what it was - just a big inconvenience.

We have to learn to 'sit with these emotions' as Annie Grace often says. With stress, with boredom. We have to learn to not be afraid of discomfort.

That was me - 1st sign of discomfort in my thoughts, or stress (or even just feeling bored) and I was numbing it away. If you can't deal with a certain issue in your life sober, how on earth can you expect to deal with it on alcohol?

Book has arrived tonight, "Alcohol Lied To Me". Hoping to get a chance to start reading it tomorrow

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witchwoo · 29/10/2020 21:10

Glad he's all good @OvertheInfluence

It really helps to play it forward I find. I'd love a drink this weekend, but I have to keep reminding myself I don't want that life anymore. For the sake of a 20 min high from that 1st drink. Wine took up so much headspace.

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OvertheInfluence · 30/10/2020 15:53

Oh wow! What a nightmare @witchwoo I can picture it now, with lots of wailing children and howling dogs (or is that just my house??)

"That was me - 1st sign of discomfort in my thoughts, or stress (or even just feeling bored) and I was numbing it away. If you can't deal with a certain issue in your life sober, how on earth can you expect to deal with it on alcohol"

This really resonated with me and what worries me most, I'm dealing being AF right now but the real test will be when I feel angry/bored/anxious I seem to be unable to just sit with those feelings.

Happy Friday everyone, what sober treats have you armed yourselves with for tonight?

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witchwoo · 30/10/2020 18:25

That was exactly me - water, children, animals, grumpy husband - chaos 😅

Yes it resonated with me too. Learning to 'sit' with my discomfort, and not numb it away, as I'm so used to doing.

So @OvertheInfluence you've saved me tonight! Been to get the new washing machine, stopped off to grab fish and chips to save cooking and DH offered to pick me a wine up from the shop next door. I was so tempted after the week I've had. Genuinely didn't want to let the thread down and thought I'd check in here quickly as we drove - and I saw this message :))

Just waiting in the car for DH to pick up the food, then will be home for fish and chips, cup of tea, candles on, and read some of my book (with a big load of washing on the go! It's so sad what makes me happy these days)

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OvertheInfluence · 30/10/2020 18:36

OH MY GOD YOU'RE AWESOME!

Well done for saying no...it's so hard isn't it? But you did it and the only reason I posted was to be accountable, so yay Mumsnet and the power of connecting with people who have to do the Exact. Same. Shit as you, at least we need never be alone.

Enjoy your fish and chips @witchwoo, I am stuffed from tea and drinking Fanta (I'm a classy thing) so I'm no longer craving any mind altering substances.

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OvertheInfluence · 30/10/2020 18:52

Oh, and while I'm here...

@scryingeyes I hope you're doing okay? I know I have joined and dropped out of, well... an embarrassingly high number of these threads so there's no pressure or judgement here but pop in and say hi, even if nothing else it'll keep your hand in and wanting to quit.

@Hiccupiscal how are you doing? Still smoke free? My DH is a big drinker, we're each others enablers and when I said I was stopping this time he suggested he'd have a go too and I had to ask him not to. It seems every time he stops, his sole focus is on how and when he can drink again and I just drift back to drinking (not that it's his fault, I'm more than happy to go down that spiral!) I know what you mean about them being moody with change, I think it can be quite threatening can't it?

And @Cakecrumbsinmybra how are you my dear? Have you resisted the one with dinner tonight or if you haven't, have you stopped there? You're making me feel very itchy with the thought of all the cake crumbs Grin

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witchwoo · 30/10/2020 19:34

Ha thank you, @OvertheInfluence !

And well done to you too. Amazing.

I'm just as classy as I had a Fanta with my takeaway :))

The thread has definitely kept us accountable tonight, of which I'm very thankful. But I echo what you've said about not hanging your head in shame if you've messed up. I'm always just a Tesco Express stop away from messing up. It's all part of the learning curve sometimes and you can come back stronger if you choose to get back on track. We can do this.

I had a terrible night with the youngest, so I've spent the day 'getting curious' about it. I remembered the acronym HALT - Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired (although I change the 'lonely' to 'never being alone' as I would love time on my own).

Today I was definitely craving the wine when I was tired, and when I was hungry. Hungry is a huge one for me. Once I've eaten it really takes the edge off the booze craving.

So the strategies working for me so far are playing it forward, getting curious about my craving, and good old 'sober' books

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witchwoo · 30/10/2020 19:37

(And checking into the thread, of course!) 🌟

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witchwoo · 31/10/2020 09:41

Morning, fellow booze-dodgers. Happy Halloween!

Day 9 I think 💪

So I had another observation last night. I was chatting to my friend on WhatsApp (she lives alone) and as we can't really get together I offered to cook her a meal tonight with ours and drop it to her door. Now usually, if I'm drinking, I'll be thinking to myself, "Am I just offering this because I'm drunk?! Will I regret it tomorrow?". And I usually did regret it the next day too.

Or I'd make arrangements to have a coffee with someone in the week after a wine or 2. Then wish I hadn't in the morning as I had a busy week (or whatever) and would cancel.

I bought a print from an artist friend on FB last night and it was lovely buying it knowing I really wanted it - not just something I'd regret when sober.

I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone. But I guess it comes back to the 'one version' of me I mentioned at the start. Since being sober I've had that one true version, and I'm loving it.

Happy Saturday, all

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witchwoo · 01/11/2020 15:46

Hello! Day 10 💪

So this weekend I've got through a birthday (mine, yesterday), a Lockdown announcement, and husband being a moody morning sod all day today. All things that would have been the perfect 'excuse' to drink far too much in the past.

Hope we've all survived the wet weekend :))

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witchwoo · 01/11/2020 15:47

Moody *moaning sod!

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scryingeyes · 02/11/2020 00:09

That's fab!! And happy birthday 🎈
Day 1 for me again tomorrow Hmm

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witchwoo · 02/11/2020 08:13

@scryingeyes thank you :))

Brilliant news - new fresh start for November. Keep checking in.

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Cakecrumbsinmybra · 03/11/2020 08:24

Hi all, apologies for not checking in! Anyway, I have not succumbed, so Day 8 here! Although obviously fed up that lock down is scuppering my plans of planning activities for the witching hour, such as the sport I play, or fitness classes. But nevermind! The buddy I have roped in is saying she is going to aim for 2 weeks (from Sunday), so I think that final week may be hard for me. But who knows. It's DH's birthday this weekend, but as I mentioned, thankfully he is not a drinker. And our dinner with 4 friends (heavy drinkers) is now cancelled, which helps me know end. DSis did drink at the weekend, although less than she normally would for sure, and I drank a bottle of non-alcoholic sparkling with my DBiL, which was far nicer than ones I've had before (Eisberg?). I don't expect to lose any weight at the moment as I have been eating more sweet stuff and also drinking plenty of tonic, but this week I am making more of an effort and getting back on the exercise.

It's going to be really hard for me to get to 30 days because I am already forgetting the 3am guilt and health worries. So I need to keep on track! I am starting to be really aware of cravings in response to boredom and annoyance/irritation.

Well done witchwoo for getting through a birthday. A sober birthday - incredible!! scryingeyes new start this week! overtheinfluence - great quote there - and it really reflects what I've just written above! I'm so used to quickly numbing things. A lot of the time normally, I don't even feel like a drink, but I know that I will once I've had half a glass or so - so I have one anyway. How ridiculous is that? Pure madness!

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witchwoo · 03/11/2020 18:03

@Cakecrumbsinmybra Well done for surviving the weekend around alcohol. I'll have to try that Eisberg you mentioned.

Day 12 here! Been at work and felt ever so slightly low to come home to the dinner time rush/chaos without a glass of something to take the edge off. It was 'something to look forward to'.

I'm currently halfway through, 'Alcohol Lied To Me' (a bit strangely written, and loads of proof-reading errors in my copy. Maybe he was pissed when he wrote it - joke). He keeps hammering home how Alcohol is a poison, only palatable because of how it's mixed with other flavours to make it taste bearable. A poison! A poison! Constant repetition of 'poison'! But it's starting to make me see it differently.

So here I am, kids dinner made, and I'm still me. Not some altered version of me. Still alert, still got some energy despite a busy day. Still mum.

Hope we're all doing ok, even if you're back to Day 1 tonight 😘

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Hiccupiscal · 03/11/2020 21:57

Hello all,

I did update, but only on one thread, I missed this one until the new comments started coming in, I've copied and pasted my last accountability post below:
...................
8 days alcohol free, the Boris announces lockdown, I spiral and drink 2 bottles of red and 20 ciggies... I had just started at the gym, yoga, aquafit, started feeling happy again, looking after myself, going hairdressers, skincare regimes, just started living, now its all going to go again...
I just can't belive it, I had decorated for Halloween, we only had one family come on the walk past, it was all just so depressing and stressful.

I mean im still pleased with myself, as 2 bottles and 20 cigs is nothing compared to what I can drink -

Today is the 1st November.
I'm going to be sober for the whole month.

A new fresh start.

I'm just not sure now how to busy myself now we are going back into lockdown so I don't drink... but ive got to do it, somehow....


..................

So im back on the sober train, and 2 days in (also no cigs) It took up until yesterday afternoon to start feeling right again... ive given my head a wobble, had a word with myself about impending lockdown (everyone going through it, not an excuse to drink etc) decided (as I mentioned above) this is November, a fresh start, and I can start by being clean for this month.

Ive been to my final gym classes, and have spin and yoga tommorow before they shut totally on Thursday. Ive been shopping and had a major treat fest. Brought practically the whole of lush, posh candles, books, vegan cook book (im not vegan, but aspire to eat better) I love eco friendly items - so have brought healthy organic foods, reusable organic bamboo pads etc, ect -

I'm going to spend the next 4 weeks trying to practice lots of quiet self care:

Reading instead of hours of staring at my phone & MN'ing (I do hours of lurking without realising!)

Instead of binging on netflix until 1/2am, actually go to bed

Lots of baths. Lots of skincare.

"Walk a dog a day" - I have dogs. I have 2 very lazy dogs, and one not lazy dog. Sometimes dogs don't get walked, because 2 out of 3 just don't care.... well over the next 4 weeks they will care, because they are coming for a walk daily, on rotation. Good for me. Good for the dogs.

Cook. Lots of cooking. Going to make healthy meals.

Tidy/declutter & organise spare bedroom and try and make it into some kind of sanctuary for reading, yoga, meditation (or hiding from DP)

So... those are my hopeful plans. To keep me going through lockdoqn and not spiral and drink for fun, boredom, because DP is etc.

Now pubs ect are shut down, that'll put a stop to dp, and I doubt he will bother at home of I am not drinking too.

Really enjoyed catching up with the accountability posts, I can really relate to the PP talking about altered versions to thierselves...

Would like to wish @witchwoo a happy belated birthday and say that I know what you mean about drinking because your partner is being an arse, I would reach for a bottle based on my DP moods too.... used to annoy me the most, why was I drinking because someone else was in a grump?! Also, totally relate to what you were saying about having a few then making plans, the amount of time I would have a drink, send drunk messages, and be arranging to meet up with God knows who, then regretting it totally! And so many text conversations that you wake up the next day and think..... wtf, why did I say/offer/do that...?
Thank god I havent been on SM for a few years because I am sure it would have been alot worse!

When I had a drink on Halloween night, I messaged a friend a load of rubbish and was saying I would call her and we could talk any time, and I'd come and see her the next day. When I woke up with my hangover the next day, i didn't even want to read the messages back, I just deleted the whole chat. Its a nightmare and I need to keep all these things at the forefront of my mind to stop any "fuck it" moments!

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Hiccupiscal · 03/11/2020 21:59

Hello all,

I did update, but only on one thread, I missed this one until the new comments started coming in, I've copied and pasted my last accountability post below:
...................
8 days alcohol free, the Boris announces lockdown, I spiral and drink 2 bottles of red and 20 ciggies... I had just started at the gym, yoga, aquafit, started feeling happy again, looking after myself, going hairdressers, skincare regimes, just started living, now its all going to go again...
I just can't belive it, I had decorated for Halloween, we only had one family come on the walk past, it was all just so depressing and stressful.

I mean im still pleased with myself, as 2 bottles and 20 cigs is nothing compared to what I can drink -

Today is the 1st November.
I'm going to be sober for the whole month.

A new fresh start.

I'm just not sure now how to busy myself now we are going back into lockdown so I don't drink... but ive got to do it, somehow....


..................

So im back on the sober train, and 2 days in (also no cigs) It took up until yesterday afternoon to start feeling right again... ive given my head a wobble, had a word with myself about impending lockdown (everyone going through it, not an excuse to drink etc) decided (as I mentioned above) this is November, a fresh start, and I can start by being clean for this month.

Ive been to my final gym classes, and have spin and yoga tommorow before they shut totally on Thursday. Ive been shopping and had a major treat fest. Brought practically the whole of lush, posh candles, books, vegan cook book (im not vegan, but aspire to eat better) I love eco friendly items - so have brought healthy organic foods, reusable organic bamboo pads etc, ect -

I'm going to spend the next 4 weeks trying to practice lots of quiet self care:

Reading instead of hours of staring at my phone & MN'ing (I do hours of lurking without realising!)

Instead of binging on netflix until 1/2am, actually go to bed

Lots of baths. Lots of skincare.

"Walk a dog a day" - I have dogs. I have 2 very lazy dogs, and one not lazy dog. Sometimes dogs don't get walked, because 2 out of 3 just don't care.... well over the next 4 weeks they will care, because they are coming for a walk daily, on rotation. Good for me. Good for the dogs.

Cook. Lots of cooking. Going to make healthy meals.

Tidy/declutter & organise spare bedroom and try and make it into some kind of sanctuary for reading, yoga, meditation (or hiding from DP)

So... those are my hopeful plans. To keep me going through lockdoqn and not spiral and drink for fun, boredom, because DP is etc.

Now pubs ect are shut down, that'll put a stop to dp, and I doubt he will bother at home of I am not drinking too.

Really enjoyed catching up with the accountability posts, I can really relate to the PP talking about altered versions to thierselves...

Would like to wish @witchwoo a happy belated birthday and say that I know what you mean about drinking because your partner is being an arse, I would reach for a bottle based on my DP moods too.... used to annoy me the most, why was I drinking because someone else was in a grump?! Also, totally relate to what you were saying about having a few then making plans, the amount of time I would have a drink, send drunk messages, and be arranging to meet up with God knows who, then regretting it totally! And so many text conversations that you wake up the next day and think..... wtf, why did I say/offer/do that...?
Thank god I havent been on SM for a few years because I am sure it would have been alot worse!

When I had a drink on Halloween night, I messaged a friend a load of rubbish and was saying I would call her and we could talk any time, and I'd come and see her the next day. When I woke up with my hangover the next day, i didn't even want to read the messages back, I just deleted the whole chat. Its a nightmare and I need to keep all these things at the forefront of my mind to stop any "fuck it" moments!

Report
Hiccupiscal · 03/11/2020 21:59

Hello all,

I did update, but only on one thread, I missed this one until the new comments started coming in, I've copied and pasted my last accountability post below:
...................
8 days alcohol free, the Boris announces lockdown, I spiral and drink 2 bottles of red and 20 ciggies... I had just started at the gym, yoga, aquafit, started feeling happy again, looking after myself, going hairdressers, skincare regimes, just started living, now its all going to go again...
I just can't belive it, I had decorated for Halloween, we only had one family come on the walk past, it was all just so depressing and stressful.

I mean im still pleased with myself, as 2 bottles and 20 cigs is nothing compared to what I can drink -

Today is the 1st November.
I'm going to be sober for the whole month.

A new fresh start.

I'm just not sure now how to busy myself now we are going back into lockdown so I don't drink... but ive got to do it, somehow....


..................

So im back on the sober train, and 2 days in (also no cigs) It took up until yesterday afternoon to start feeling right again... ive given my head a wobble, had a word with myself about impending lockdown (everyone going through it, not an excuse to drink etc) decided (as I mentioned above) this is November, a fresh start, and I can start by being clean for this month.

Ive been to my final gym classes, and have spin and yoga tommorow before they shut totally on Thursday. Ive been shopping and had a major treat fest. Brought practically the whole of lush, posh candles, books, vegan cook book (im not vegan, but aspire to eat better) I love eco friendly items - so have brought healthy organic foods, reusable organic bamboo pads etc, ect -

I'm going to spend the next 4 weeks trying to practice lots of quiet self care:

Reading instead of hours of staring at my phone & MN'ing (I do hours of lurking without realising!)

Instead of binging on netflix until 1/2am, actually go to bed

Lots of baths. Lots of skincare.

"Walk a dog a day" - I have dogs. I have 2 very lazy dogs, and one not lazy dog. Sometimes dogs don't get walked, because 2 out of 3 just don't care.... well over the next 4 weeks they will care, because they are coming for a walk daily, on rotation. Good for me. Good for the dogs.

Cook. Lots of cooking. Going to make healthy meals.

Tidy/declutter & organise spare bedroom and try and make it into some kind of sanctuary for reading, yoga, meditation (or hiding from DP)

So... those are my hopeful plans. To keep me going through lockdoqn and not spiral and drink for fun, boredom, because DP is etc.

Now pubs ect are shut down, that'll put a stop to dp, and I doubt he will bother at home of I am not drinking too.

Really enjoyed catching up with the accountability posts, I can really relate to the PP talking about altered versions to thierselves...

Would like to wish @witchwoo a happy belated birthday and say that I know what you mean about drinking because your partner is being an arse, I would reach for a bottle based on my DP moods too.... used to annoy me the most, why was I drinking because someone else was in a grump?! Also, totally relate to what you were saying about having a few then making plans, the amount of time I would have a drink, send drunk messages, and be arranging to meet up with God knows who, then regretting it totally! And so many text conversations that you wake up the next day and think..... wtf, why did I say/offer/do that...?
Thank god I havent been on SM for a few years because I am sure it would have been alot worse!

When I had a drink on Halloween night, I messaged a friend a load of rubbish and was saying I would call her and we could talk any time, and I'd come and see her the next day. When I woke up with my hangover the next day, i didn't even want to read the messages back, I just deleted the whole chat. Its a nightmare and I need to keep all these things at the forefront of my mind to stop any "fuck it" moments!

Report
Hiccupiscal · 03/11/2020 22:02

I'm trying to check in, but MN is not letting my post my essay of a check in!

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