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Im having my baby it the right thing to do?

203 replies

changedid · 17/08/2008 21:21

I've just found out that I'm 18 weeks pregnant. I didnt know until now as Im still breastfeeding DD and wasnt having any periods anyway. I also have a DS who is 2.
I know in my heart that I wont be able to cope with another child. I have decided that adoption is my only option. I have spoken to my GP who told me to go away and think and come back next week for a chat to discuss my options. I dont see I have any other option.
Im not sure how other people will react to it though....i will be pregnant and not have a baby at the end of it. How do i explain that to people? My DP is upset but agrees that it is the best thing to do. can anyone understand my position? Will everyone think badly of me?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 17/08/2008 21:24

only you know whether it is the right thing to do.
I am sure that if you want to go ahead with it then you will be offered counselling of some sort, and I would personally take them up on it, because it's something you need to be very sure of.

you have a long way to go, and you may find your feelings change before you get to term.

I don't know changed. it's a huge thing. I expect some people will think badly of you, yes. but at the end of the day if you're making the right decision for you and your family that's not your problem.

just make sure it is the right decision

NotAnOtter · 17/08/2008 21:25

i - personally - have nothing but the utmost respect for you

please do not worry what others think - if they think badly of you they are not worthy of knowing

you have found yourslef in a difficult position and are dealing with it as best you can

good luck!

alibubbles · 17/08/2008 21:26

An excruciatingly difficult decision to make, but you have to do what is best for you, your unborn child and your family. Nothing else to say, other than, it must be very, very hard and, well, the very best to you.

specialmagiclady · 17/08/2008 21:27

Oh gosh nothing to add from TIY's very very sound advice but what a hard decision to make. My thoughts are with you.

(actually, can I just underline what TIY said about having a long way to go... you may well change your mind). But only you can make the decision that's best for your family.

Good luck xx

expatinscotland · 17/08/2008 21:27

correct me if i am wrong but doesn't your partner have to agree to it as well if he is the baby's father?

please see your midwife or GP to talk about your feelings.

there may be other options out there which you may find give you more support to cope with young children.

or you may need some assistancw with your feelings.

MissisBoot · 17/08/2008 21:28

Could you have a chat with social services or barnardos? Adoption is very different these days and there are lots of different routes to support both mother and child (and the rest of the family)

How about fostering until you think your circumstances change or how about thinking about some practical support from a charity like Homestart?

Such a difficult decision to make - do you think you may be in shock from finding out you are pg so soon?

lilyloo · 17/08/2008 21:29

I would say you are still in shock to make any firm decisions yet but mothing more to add than thisisyesterdays advice get soem help and make sure it's the best decision for you and your family it doesn't matter what others think.

SquiffyHock · 17/08/2008 21:30

I hope that you get all the support that you need to make this decision. You are obviously only thinking about what is best for your unborn baby and the two that you already have - this makes you a lovely mother and no-one can say otherwise.

As yesterday says, you have a long way to go before you have to decide anything final - good luck x

GreenMonkies · 17/08/2008 21:31

Crikey, only you can decide what to do here.

How old is your DD? How old will your DC's be when this baby is born?

When you say you couldn't cope do you mean emotionally, financially or physically (ie, not enough room/big enough car?)?

I feel for you, you are definately in between a rock and a hard place. Take your time, and be careful and don't make any decisions in a panic. Mull it over and see how you feel in a few weeks time.

eyeballs · 17/08/2008 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ewe · 17/08/2008 21:31

What specifically do you feel you won't be able to cope with? With more financial/emotional/practical assistance could you cope? Forget about nuts and bolts coping, do you definitely not want the baby?

I think you just need to be 100% sure of your choice and then ignore what everyone else says or thinks. A very hard situation to be in.

bamboostalks · 17/08/2008 21:31

It is a massive step, (goes without saying) and socal services will want you to have the baby before you decide what to do. They will also try to dissuade you from this course of action. They will be very keen to support you in keeping the baby. Good Luck, I wish you well.

LongLiveCuckoo · 17/08/2008 21:32

I don't 'think badly' of you, but if you were my friend, I would be worried tht you would thinkof the baby you'd given away every day for ever, and that there'd always be a whole in your heart.

If you kept the baby, it would be impossible for you (you haven't elaborated why) but I respect that. Would that last forever though? AT 6 and 4, you might find having children more 'manageable'...

I don't know your exact reasons so I don't know if the children being older would mean that you would find being a mother easier or not.

I hope you get plenty of support making your decision.

changedid · 17/08/2008 21:33

Yes, I do think I'm in shock but I honestly dont think that I could look after another baby ( I had bad PND with DS). My DP does have to agree to it and would if he knew it was what I wanted ( probably the wrong word to use I dont 'want' to at all).

OP posts:
littleducks · 17/08/2008 21:33

I think that it is something that will be hard for you to do, you should accept any counselling and make sure that it is the right decision for you and your family. If you only found out about the pregnancy recently you may need to learn to accept it, im not saying this means that you will change your mind, but that you need to get over the iniatial shock and believe that it is really happening to you. You also need to discuss how you will deal with reactions and explain to your DS when he is older.

It is a possibility you may change your mind either at a scan or at the birth, I would say dont do it unless you are 100% certain, as it is not something you could reverse.

MrsSylar · 17/08/2008 21:34

I think it takes huge courage to give a baby up willingly.

If you really really feel that you couldn't cope with another child, then maybe this is the right decision for you. But also maybe you are just in shock, and need a bit of time to get used to the idea you are pregnant again

LongLiveCuckoo · 17/08/2008 21:35

I expressed that really badly. What I mean is that keeping the baby could make your life harder in the short term, but ultimately, thinking long term into your old age, it could be easier as you wouldn't have to live with that constant ache of wondering where he/she was, who he/she was....

expatinscotland · 17/08/2008 21:35

If you had PND, change, PLEASE contact your GP asap. He/she can get you a psych referral.

You may have antenatal depression.

At any rate, speaking to a counsellor definitely needs to be arranged.

jellyrolly · 17/08/2008 21:37

So difficult for you, an unimaginably hard decision. You say you know in your heart you wouldn't cope, do you think you could articulate why?

You must be utterly exhausted bfing and coping with a 2 year old.

lilyloo · 17/08/2008 21:38

The fact that you don't 'want' to means you need to explore every option.
Is it the pnd you are worried about ? You can get support , did you have any support with ds ?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/08/2008 21:39

Agree with expat. You need to start speaking to counsellors etc asap.

Giving up a baby is far harder than keeping a baby and coping so you really do need to get some counselling to help you get through this.

QuintessentialShadows · 17/08/2008 21:41

I do feel for you. You have two very young children. 3 children under 3 is bound to be tough, to start with. But, by the time your baby is born, your oldest might alreay be potty trained, he may be able to dress himself, and he will have a free part time place at preschool. Your babies will not stay this young forever, it may be a few hard years ahead of you, but then, when your youngest is 2, and your oldest 5 and already in school, it will be so much easier. And you may have 3 children who are close enough in age to be really good friends.

Medical problems, such as pnd and spd can be helped. They dont last forever either.

But the decision is ultimately yours and your dhs. And if you truly think you cannot handle the next couple of years, and can weigh it up against your ds asking "where did baby go" at the end of the pregnancy, and possibly missing your baby for the rest of your life, then you should go for it. And I dont think people will think bad of you. They may think "why on earth?" And they may try and dissuade you, so please be 110% sure this is the right thing to do before giving your child away.

solidgoldbrass · 17/08/2008 21:42

I agree that you should get counselling and explore what help there might be for whatever the problems are that make you think you couldn't cope with another child.
I'd also like to say that, from the point of view of a person who was adopted as a baby, it's an OK thing to do. Being adopted doesn't harm a person and it can be a better option than growing up with biological parents who resent/don't want/can't cope with the child.

changedid · 17/08/2008 21:46

People have asked in what sense I wouldnt be able to cope...definately emotionally.
It would be difficult financially but I would live on bread and water if it meant my kids didnt have to go without anything. Practically we havent got much room but we'd cope. Emotionally and psychologically though I dont think I would. I have a long history of depression and have been on and off medications. I had help at the time with my PND with DS but have since stopped the medication. I havent had PND with DD but I still dont feel the same mentally as before I had kids. I think if I have this baby I would be putting all of the children at having the baby adopted i protect my 2 children and the baby.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 17/08/2008 21:48

If you are prone to depression, you have to consider how giving away a baby is going to affect you.

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