Im having my baby adopted....is it the right thing to do?

[changedid]

I've just found out that I'm 18 weeks pregnant. I didnt know until now as Im still breastfeeding DD and wasnt having any periods anyway. I also have a DS who is 2.
I know in my heart that I wont be able to cope with another child. I have decided that adoption is my only option. I have spoken to my GP who told me to go away and think and come back next week for a chat to discuss my options. I dont see I have any other option.
Im not sure how other people will react to it though....i will be pregnant and not have a baby at the end of it. How do i explain that to people? My DP is upset but agrees that it is the best thing to do. can anyone understand my position? Will everyone think badly of me?

Please see your GP, change. NO matter what your decision, not feeling alright mentally will not predispose you to making a decision you can live with comfortably, and that will affect your family as a whole.

If you get nowhere with her/him, talk to your midwife, she can arrange for you to see a consultant who can refer you to psych.

As another mum I really want to support the decision you feel you have to make. As a woman, you have to weigh up those frightening first few years against the rest of your life. You obviously feel things deeply, would you be able to separate this baby from the two you would make such a sacrifice for?

changedid, i feel for you.
feeling as tho you are only just coping wiuth day to day life, is not 'better', and you could probably still do with some help.
i think the depression, and hormonally induced pnd, could be just as much of a problem whether you keep thebaby or not.
there is help out there, you just need to find it.
there are meds you can take while pg, to help you through this time.

I definately think only you can decide, my DHs sister was adopted for the sake of the 2 children MIL had i.e. DH and his sister. My MIL split with their dad anyway (baby wasn't his) and has spent a lifetime regretting it and is desperate to contact her. I am not saying you will regret it but what if she wants to contact you later? How would you deal with giving the baby up emotionally. You have said you don't want to so really make sure you do want to if you decide that is the best for you and your family.
It takes a huge amount of courage to be able to do this and I am certainly it won't be done without lots of thought. All the best to you all whatever you decide. Such a difficult decision and I hope you get all the support and help you need.

Oh gosh, how hard but is it possible that you will still have PND anyway and possibly be depressed about giving up your baby. Maybe I shouldn't say this but would a termination be easier to cope with - I hope this doesn't offend you or anyone else. I think you need to get some counselling to explore all the options - maybe even some temporary fostering for the early months to help you get through it.

I really feel for you. And what you are contemplating giving up...

Please don't jump to adoption as the right answer without exploring other ideas.... Short term fostering, any relations that can help - short term etc

Although.. I have heard local, informal adoption is on the increase.

This is boring, but I agree with everyone else that you need some support to come to a decision. A history of depression could well be affecting your thinking. Please do go and see your GP - it's possible you are depressed right now (as well as in shock, of course). With the right treatment, you get get a clear head so you know the decision you reach IS the right one for you and for your family.

may be the right thing for you to do

but consider the affect it will have on your existing children when they find out their new little baby brother/sister is being taken away

and they might react badly when older if you keep it from them now,

Message withdrawn

No-one has any right to judge you for this, and you seem to be thinking about everyones best interests.

Do you think that you might be depressed at the moment, and that might be colouring your perceptions of how the future will be?
Hopefully your GP will be able to refer you for psychiatric help with your mental state at the moment, and after the baby is born.

You might find that over the next few months your other children becomes a lot more able and independent, making it easier for you to care for another baby.

There are charities that exist to help people struggling to cope with their children, maybe social work could get you some help that way when the baby is born?

Could you move to be nearer relatives who could help?

Try not to think too far ahead. If you do keep the baby in your family it might be easier to think of it in terms of coping one day at a time, rather than panicking too much about the bigger picture.

Good luck.

While I respect the fact that you are really trying to think about your immediate family's needs and your mental health and the impact of everything on everyone, I would urge you to find someone (professional) that you can talk to about all of the issues that have been brought to this thread.

Your own MH/depression needs will be sorely tested by any outcome of this latest pregnancy - whether or not you keep the baby - you will likely be put through the mill as you are between a huge rock and a hard place - it seems to me anyway.

The needs of your partner and especially your two little ones need to be considered very seriously for the reasons outlined so well by ethanchristopher and onestonetogo.

This will potentially have a massive ripple effect on all the people around - not to mention people outside your intimate circle of friends and family who will ask you about your pregnancy and afterwards will ask about the baby - you will need some help to know what/how much to share with close frineds and strangers alike. You will need help to decide upon your 'cover story' - so that you don't need to explain or justify your decision to all and sundry, but you need to be comfortable with what this is and how you share it.

Please do also consider the implications of this decisions upon your unborn baby. Thank you for considering adoption over abortion as your choice, but as a parent of an adopted DD I want you to know that this decision will (potentially) affect this baby very much. A great many adopted children - even those who have not encountered huge suffering - live with a sense of displacement or rejection. Your decision will eventually form the basis of this baby's life story and his or her sense of who they are and where they have come from. Adoption may seem like your only option, but it's certainly not the easy way out, for anyone.

Your decision is MASSIVE for you and for the baby. Please get some proper professional counselling help to work through all the issues and decisions that are facing you right now. Much respect to you for so trying to do the right thing - I don't have the answers, but would urge you to get appropriate help.

agree - get to the doctor. why have you stopped taking the medication for PND? if you have stopped taking it you are probably depressed again and may not be thinking straight?

catinthehat, was your directed at the OP or anyone else in particular...?!

I want to tell you a story..

I had my Ds1 when I was 19, then had DD1 when he was 2.5, when Dd1 was 9 months old I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant. I had had PND after the birth of Dd1 and was on ADs at the time I fell pregnant. I was in shock and cried for days. I spent the whole pregnancy in denial and refused to even think about the baby. I remember one day when I was 28 weeks and on the hospital ward (I had a tough pregnancy, in and out from 27 weeks) turning to DH and saying I didn't want another baby, that adoption was my only option. I couldn't even think about the baby inside me, I didn't want another baby, the baby had 'forced' its way in, it wasn't how my life was supposed to be.

Anyway at 33 weeks I went into labour, and delivered my beautiful Dd2, as soon as she was born, and I saw her, I cried, because I had denied her for so long, she was helpless and needed me. It took me a while but I loved her. I have to say that Dd2 changed my life, I didn't have PND after her birth, and she could light up my life with a smile.

I feel so bad that I denied her for so long, and now when I look at her, I can't imagine life without her (she is 6 now) she is my angel, who came into my life to help me.

hi changed, I really want to echo what some other posters have said about it being much more difficult to give up a baby than to cope with one.

there is medication and therapy that can help with your depression. it CAN be sorted. you don't have to feel like this.
there is medication that is fine with pregnancy and breastfeeding. it isn't a one or the other choice.

I think that if you are depressed, then giving up a baby that you said yourself you don't want to give up could be horrendous for you.

I really hope you go back to your GP and request some counselling, sometimes having someone totally unrelated to everything can help you to see things in a different light.

do keep us updated

I agree completely with MissPollysDolly

Lovely post sparklygothkat

changedid

You cannot make this decision until you have a) sorted out your mental health NOW. YOu sound panicky and depressed, you sound like you feel trapped, you sound just like I did when I was pregnant with ds2, and I was horribly horribly depressed.

And b) - the SS won't let you put your baby up for adoption straight away, they will want you to try to care for him/her first. They don't snatch them and cut the cord on the way out. They are more likely to send you a social worker than an adoptions worker.

I hope you sort this out to your satisfaction but I truly believe that you cannot give a baby away unless you know with every fibre of your being it is the best thing to do, because if you don't, it will torture you.

Get your depression sorted first. Then rethink it. If you still come to the same conclusion, go for it, but please don't make this decision in a panic because it's not representative of what the rest of your life could be like.

I don't have anything to add other than what many have said on here - it may be the right thing for you and your family but please talk to your GP and HV and get the help you need to make thins difficult decision. I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best x

changedid - How are you doing today? I have been thinking about this post a lot this morning...

You have to be mentally stronger to give a baby up for adoption than you do to keep the baby - that's how my birth mum viewed her decision.

Thankyou for all the helpful and supportive posts..ive just been reading whats been posted since I had to log off on sunday. I still feel confused. 'Onceinalifetime' brought up the option of a termination...its not something I could consider at this stage, i'll be 19 wks this week.
I've got an appointment to see my GP tommorrow...im going to ask him if I can go back on to Seroxat that I was on before and to refer me to someone to talk about my options regarding the adoption. I didnt realise I would have to look after the baby after it's born? Im not sure I could do that.
my other option is to possibly ask my sister to look after the baby until I feel better. Thanks SparklyGothKat and misspollsdolly for your posts they have helped me a lot.

I am adopted and found my birth parents several years ago. They later married and went on to have two more children who always knew about me and they always hoped I would find them. When I did I felt even worse than ever that I was the only child that had been "abandoned" and that I had always had a "real" family. My birth parents regretted their decision. Please take all the advice you can and get all the support you can before you make this decision.

Please ask him for a psych referral.

And perhaps for some help from Social Services because your baby may be able to be fostered temporarily rather than permanent adoption.

but would you not feel anything for the baby when was born?,could you really do that, only you know whats best, but if you really cant cope then thats up to you,but could you not have an abortion, i personally could not do it, but if thats what u have to do then do it. in think you should talk to someone about it as it wont be the end of your problems, what if you regret it and how would baby feel when older