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Adoption

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Original poster

Im having my baby adopted....is it the right thing to do?

203 replies

changedid · 17/08/2008 21:21

I've just found out that I'm 18 weeks pregnant. I didnt know until now as Im still breastfeeding DD and wasnt having any periods anyway. I also have a DS who is 2.
I know in my heart that I wont be able to cope with another child. I have decided that adoption is my only option. I have spoken to my GP who told me to go away and think and come back next week for a chat to discuss my options. I dont see I have any other option.
Im not sure how other people will react to it though....i will be pregnant and not have a baby at the end of it. How do i explain that to people? My DP is upset but agrees that it is the best thing to do. can anyone understand my position? Will everyone think badly of me?

OP posts:
oops · 19/08/2008 20:23

Message withdrawn

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 19/08/2008 20:25

oops - you sound very together

oops · 19/08/2008 20:38

Message withdrawn

Original poster
changedid · 19/08/2008 20:46

Im sorry but I feel ive got to correct some people...ididnt say that I would give my baby up for adoption for 'a better life or start'...im not so shallow as to think that a family with more money would provide a better home. I said we would struggle financially but lots of families with 3 children would....but we could cope. This has nothing to do with financies.
If I keep this baby I run the risk of all my children going into care because I cant cope....I run this risk of my children literally being at 'risk.' I just wanted to explain my reasons.

OP posts:
ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 19/08/2008 21:18

Please get some advice.

KristinaM · 19/08/2008 22:18

i understand changedid - i have 3 young children with the youngest two very close together and they drive me totally crazy. I'm sure it would be even harder if they were all close in age.

I have never had PND so can only imagine how hard it must be for you.

But i think that it might be better for you all if you coudl get some help with your feelings and also some practical help for after you have the baby.It will be tough but I honestly don't see how giving away your baby will be any easier.

You will feel guilty for ever, no matter how hard you try to persuade yourself that you have good reasons. you will always worry about your child and how they are. you will have to deal with the reactions of your friends, family and community. your other children will not forget their sibling easily. It will affect the relationhsip between you and your partner.

There is no easy solution here. Keeping the baby will be very hard, but so will giving him/her away

MollyCherry · 19/08/2008 22:49

Whatever you decide to do in the end changedid, I wish you the very best of luck. I also had horrific PND after my DD was born, she's nearly 4 now and I am still taking antidepressants, although in my my case there is a physical (underactive thyroid) as well as emotional cause.
For this reason (particularly that the underactive thyroid may get worse after another pregnancy), my DH and I have decided to stick with our gorgeous girl and not have any more kids. I think you are very, very brave for going through pregnancy a second time after your first experience, and if people want to look down their noses at you for doing what you genuinely believe is best for you and your existing family, it is there problem not yours.

Original poster
changedid · 19/08/2008 22:58

Thanks MollyCherry

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 19/08/2008 23:14

i have suffered from PND twice and AND three times.

i am currently pregnant with no. 3 and on antidepressants.

at 32 weeks, i have a joint appointment with OB consult and psych consult to determine my drugs treatment in the run up to the birth and afterwards.

PND robbed me and my eldest of much of a relationship for hte first 18 months of her life.

i went back to work FT when she was 8 weeks old and her father stayed home with her.

you are in no state to make decision to adopt out your baby.

sorry if that sounds harsh, but i'm just going off your posts here.

PLEASE sort this out and do NOT take it lying down so that you can make a decision you can live with.

and be honest. admit that you are so ill you fear keeping your baby will make you unfit and you will lose all your children!

if you get nowhere with your GP or midwife, see another in the surgery, follow the link red posted.

get your partner to fight your corner as well.

tell him you are ill and need help.

but please, please, changed, this is YOUR LIFE.

fight, fight, fight for it.

you will find support here in hte mental health section as well.

Soapbox · 19/08/2008 23:20

I just want to say, that having your baby adopted is a perfectly valid choice.

However, that is a choice that will be available to you right up (and indeed after) you give birth. You don't need to make any decisions right now.

Take your time to make an informed choice, once you have had time to think through what it will mean for your family.

I think from a mental health perspective it will be far from the easiest choice for you to take but with proper support it may prove to be the right way forward.

Getting some professional support to help you with these difficult decisions is crucial though - you should start putting that in place as soon as you can.

I wish you peace, whatever decision you take

ilovemydog · 19/08/2008 23:29

More importantly, this is your baby's life.

Agree with expat, that this is your life and you need to be able to decide ensuring that you're in a position to do so which would include consulting the professionals to ensure that you are getting all the help you deserve.

Your ability to cope short term can be managed.

As long as it's a decision made from a position of strength, then fine. If you aren't feeling strong about the decision, then get help, please.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 20/08/2008 08:49

" if people want to look down their noses at you for doing what you genuinely believe is best for you and your existing family, it is there problem not yours"

MollyCherry If that is aimed at me, I suggest you take it back and apologise as I am not looking down at her for making this choice. I am trying to point out to her that I think it will cause her more pain than keeping the baby will. If she has the baby adopted she will get very little support for the rest of her life. If she keeps her baby, she will have support from all sorts of people.

FioFio · 20/08/2008 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jellyrolly · 20/08/2008 11:22

Changedid, how are you feeling today?

I just wish there was a way of sending help to you, no-one should be feeling as wretched as you sound.

From the title of your thread, I feel you have already made a decision about your baby. Do you think it could be a way of coping with your almost unbearably hard situation? In other words, however awful you feel, you have a 'solution' and that means you can get through the days at the moment? (I know that's the wrong word for the enormity of what you face, whatever you do.)

I can understand how it would be impossible to wait and see if you are able to feel better and more well; from such a sad dark place you need an answer don't you?

georgimama · 20/08/2008 19:54

Mollycherry, I don't think anyone is looking down their noses, I think everyone on this thread is just worried that changedid is making a brave decision for good reasons which are actually fundamentally flawed and may live to regret this, forever.

mylittlepudding · 20/08/2008 20:01

changedid - you are a great mum. I can hear it in your online "voice". Get reliable advice. Some here is true and some is not.

I think you are thinking so much of your children - all of them. Remember to think about you. I, for one, will support and admire you, whatever you decide.

katch · 20/08/2008 20:42

I don't want to comment on the ins and outs of your situation, but I do know that a period of depression is the worst time to make a life-changing decision.

I suspect, as other posters have suggested, your request to adopt wouldn't (and shouldn't) be as straightforward as you think.

It might even be worth a call to SS now to see if they can offer support for you all before the baby comes.

At any rate, professional support is definitely what you need.

squiffy · 21/08/2008 14:48

Changedid. The people on here are not professionals, and you need to see a professional and listen to them.

It is NOT right to say that giving up a baby will be harder than keeping one. That is an opinion. Having watched a friend being sectioned and ending up in hospital for 4 months because she really couldn't cope with ther 4th child means that I have a slightly different opinion. It doesn't mean I am right and I accept that such situaitons are as rare as hen's teeth, but that is my opinion. Professionals will be able to make a more informed opinion and advise appropriately when you speak to them.

I was adopted. I am well aware that I was abandoned. I grew up in a house with very few material posessions and a brother who hated me because I was the cuckoo in the nest. Yet I seem to have had the happiest and most stable childhood of anyone I know. People thrive in the oddest of circumstances and there are outlyers on every curve.

Insist on seeing a psychiatrist, changedid. This is forum for people who will support you in what you do; what you need is excellent expert advice as well.

Lazycow · 21/08/2008 17:31

I can only agree that you need professional help now. I can totally see that having a third child now could put your current children and whole family at risk. However I would say that if you are so close to this, you should be getting help whether you are pregnant or not.

Forget the pregnancy for a minute, you owe it to your cuttent children to get help. Once you have got that you may find yourself in a better place to make the right decision for you and your family.

KristinaM · 22/08/2008 10:39

squiffy - i agree with you that changedid needs to get some professional advice and support in RL. But i don't think that anyone here has told her that "giving up a baby will be harder than keeping one".Most posters have emphasised that either option will be very hard and most importantly, she doesn't need to make that decision just now.

You mentioned the sad situation of your friend who developed postpartum psychosis. I'm not sure how relevant or helpful this is to the OP. As you point out, this condition is very rare, perhaps only one or two women in a thousand. The Op did not mention that she has any history of pyschotic illness, so there is really no reason to suggest that she will suffer from this treatable but distressing condition.

Besides, most doctors believe it is caused by hormones and NOT simply by having several children close together ( or a lot more of us woiudl have it!!). Your friend would probably have suffered this anyway, even if she had placed her baby in foster care

Changedid, have you been back to see your GP? How did you get on??

squiffy · 22/08/2008 12:34

Kristina. I posted because I was upset by that very comment, made on Mon 08:56:19

And I am concerned that sometimes people who have not suffered a mental issue themselves can perhaps jump in too quickly to say 'it will all be fine', when those who have had problems (or have been directly affected by such problems in some way) learn to recognise that things will not necessarily be fine, and that 'fine' can be a very big mountain to climb.

I apologise changedid, if you found my post unhelpful. I can say that for this person in question she has got her life back on track and of course her relationship with all the children and her DH has grown well, and I think the alternative options would have been worse for her in that case. I was hoping to empathise partly, and partly to try to discourage the platitudes similar to the one I referred to earlier: It really is support that changedid needs here, rather than advice. That advice is definately needed, and I hope you changedid is able to get that via her GP.

Original poster
changedid · 22/08/2008 13:16

Squiffy- I didnt find yor post unhelpful, quite the opposite. Im relieved that you can understand where im coming from and that you can see that its not black and white. In some circumstances I think adoption is the best option for everyone involved especially the child and I still think that in my situation it feels like the right option at the moment.
I went to see my GP and started back on antidepressants and betablockers yesterday....i'll have to see how I feel when they kick in. He wont refer me for counselling yet as he says I wont achieve anything with it as Im too unstable at the moment. I have to go back in 2 weeks and see how I feel then.

OP posts:
squiffy · 22/08/2008 17:09

Carry on posting, changedid, if you need support. 2 weeks can be a long time when things are going round your head.

KristinaM · 22/08/2008 17:53

sqiffy - i am sorry, i hadn't noticed that post. I'm glad to hear that your friend is now Ok.

changedid - well done for going to your GP. I'm a bit surprised to hear that he is not going to refer you for help now. After all, it will probably takes more than two weeks for you top get an appointment and also for your meds to kick in. How woudl you feel about following up some of the suggestions further down this thread, to get soem help for yourself meantime?

many of the Mners posting HAVE had experince of depression, and i dont think they are saying " its will be fine" or that it wont be a big struggle. please listen to their advice

KristinaM · 22/08/2008 20:39

changedid - you have obviously suffered from anxiety and depression before. Did you get any counselling or talking therapy then and did it help?

BTW did you remember to tell teh Gp that you are breastfeeding? Some GPs dont seem to realise that you can be pg and bf. i have to remind mine every time and even then i double check with teh pharmacist. just so you can get you the most suitable meds for both your babies

here is some information for women who are pregnant and thinking of adoption