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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Im having my baby adopted....is it the right thing to do?

203 replies

changedid · 17/08/2008 21:21

I've just found out that I'm 18 weeks pregnant. I didnt know until now as Im still breastfeeding DD and wasnt having any periods anyway. I also have a DS who is 2.
I know in my heart that I wont be able to cope with another child. I have decided that adoption is my only option. I have spoken to my GP who told me to go away and think and come back next week for a chat to discuss my options. I dont see I have any other option.
Im not sure how other people will react to it though....i will be pregnant and not have a baby at the end of it. How do i explain that to people? My DP is upset but agrees that it is the best thing to do. can anyone understand my position? Will everyone think badly of me?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/08/2008 20:43

change, i am glad you are reaching out for help.

i know how hard that is when you have AND or PND.

changedid · 23/08/2008 13:30

Thanks for everyones advice and support. Even those of you who may not agree with my decision....it was kind of you to post anyway and try to make me see the bigger picture and my other options.
KristinaM- I have had cognitive behavioural therapy before for general anxiety disorder and panic attacks when I was pregnant with DS, it worked well at the time. I also had counselling following DS's birth as I had PND and problems bonding with him. Thanks for the link too.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 24/08/2008 09:16

I think you would feel worse emotionally if you gave up this baby. That's only my opinion and I could be wrong, but this is a decision that will have consequences for the rest of your lives, all of you.

Nancy66 · 26/08/2008 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HonoriaGlossop · 26/08/2008 23:45

Unless you've seen parents who really can't cope with their kids, and put them at risk, it IS hard to believe that it could be the best option. There is a natural (specially on a 'mums' website of course) recoiling from adoption as an option, particularly when it's a woman who already has children.

I think Expat has put it most clearly - now is the time to reach out for all the help and support you possibly can. Because basically, there is no 'best' in this situation. If the child is adopted that is a vast amount for an already vulnerable mental state to deal with, and the existing children (or perhaps just the older one?) also experience a loss and trauma. If the child stays in the family and you can't cope, that could as you state be a real risk to all the children.

The only non-harmful ending is if you keep the child AND cope. And the only way that will happen is by you asking for, demanding, and taking all the help support and treatment there is, both now and after the birth. Because there will be many other options that you haven't even considered yet both in your treatment and in the possible care/future of the baby.

But I do applaud your facing your demons like this and having the insight to know you wouldn't cope alone. I have seen parents who can't cope, and it DOES do real damage. Good for you for facing it, you are a brave woman.

I think the key is that whatever happens you do not need to try to cope ALONE.

3andnomore · 27/08/2008 00:02

look, no real advice and well...it is only you that can know what is right for you!
But, if this is the way you are going, than maybe "pretending" that you are a surrogate mum would be an option....people possibly still judge you in rl,but might be easier....but I don't know...and I hope you don't think of me as disrespectful for suggesting this!

23balloons · 27/08/2008 23:11

I can't give any real advice but would echo the posters who advise you to get help. I am adopted and although I was brought up in a loving and stable relationship I would give anything not to have been adopted. My parents stayed together married and had other children and it is something I can never forgive or get over.

I don't want to make things any worse for you but if there is any way you can work this out and cope with the third child I would strongly urge you to keep the child - it deserves its real family. Sorry if this offends anyone but it is spoken from the heart.
Is there anyone who could help you out? Are you close to your family?

ActingNormal · 03/09/2008 11:32

Changedid, my first reaction is to shout "Please don't do it", to yourself, to your family and to the baby, but I may find this issue too emotive to be rational.

I was adopted and really feel the hole in myself, the rejection and the isolation, but maybe it is just worse because my adoptive parents were not really up to the job, they were emotionless, detached, dismissive and allowed me to be abused without doing anything about it. They had plenty of money and gave me lots of opportunities but this is not enough without the emotional input a child needs. I have read that adopted children become insinctively resistant to bonding with another adult to protect themselves against being hurt again and perhaps me and my bro (not blood) were like this, but our parents were still crap.

But, like someone said, there are so many people desperate for children nowadays and few children up for adoption that your baby seems likely to go to a home where he/she is really wanted and given lots of emotional input. When I met my birthmother she found it hard to deal with the fact that I had not had the better life she had wanted for me.

If the baby is likely to be abused if she/he stays with you, or all the children are likely to be taken into care as you fear could happen if you can't cope than I can see that adoption looks like the better option. I really don't get the feeling you would hurt any of your children though! You sound really caring and are putting a lot of thought into this because you care about your children. You don't sound like you are abusing your existing children. I just don't think you have it in you to seriously damage any of your children and I believe you can do it (keep the baby), with lots of help which you deserve!

I really do think that giving away your baby will be harder for you emotionally than keeping him/her. I could be wrong and having an emotional overreaction because of my own situation, but this is how it was for my birthmother: giving away her baby hurt her so much that she shut down her emotions and became quite a cold person. She has friends but they are more like aquaintences, there isn't a deep bond. She won't let her DH be too affectionate or call her affectionate names. She was less expressive with her DS who she had later on than she feels she should have been.

She wouldn't allow herself to feel too much because she didn't want to get hurt as much as she had been hurt before. When she met me she wouldn't allow herself to feel too much in case I was taken away from her/took myself away from her again, so she was quite cold and behaved strangely which caused arguments between us. We can only get along if we have an email only relationship now.

She has lived with guilt all her life and feeling not good enough because of what she did. This drove her to be a workaholic for a long time, needing to progress more and more to prove she was good enough. She made herself ill working so hard. She had little time for her DH who she 'told' to go and work abroad for a while. They live back together now and are getting on well. She developed this superior attitude to people (self-agrandisement) as a defence I think to how crap she felt about herself for what she did (and because of how her own family had treated her). She shows off the whole time and doesn't listen to other people (although this could just be a personality trait).

She was 19 when she first gave birth and the father didn't want to stay with her. In your case you have got your DH and other children around you. I'm not saying this makes it easier if you have other things that are difficult eg mental health problems. But just to echo what some others said, I have a friend who was given away at birth because her birthmother thought she couldn't cope mentally, then a year later she had a baby and kept it and went on to have 3 children who she kept. The effect on my friend of being given away when they were kept is devastating.

She keeps saying "What is wrong with me?" She thinks people can see something defective in her and that nobody will want her. She has had problems in all her relationships. She doesn't make friends easily and when she does she expects them to drop her any minute and continually pesters them, asking if we still like her, worrying that every little thing means that we are cross with her, being really demanding because if she doesn't have contact every day she feels we will disappear. This is so wearing that a lot of people do leave her. She seeks extra marital activity and threatens what she has got because she can never get enough reassurance of being wanted so she can't resist it.

I hope you don't feel got at by me, but I am just describing RL examples of the effects of adoption on all the people involved (although I don't know how siblings feel when their sibling is given away). These examples may not be how it is for everyone, they are just the ones that I know about.

If you can make it clear to your doctors and social workers that you really need lots of help when you have the baby otherwise you are in danger of further mental health problems and the welfare of all your children could be affected and you got the help would this not be a good option? I agree with what someone else said, don't be too proud to get ALL the help you can get from EVERYONE for the sake of your children. If you are finding things hard DO NOT keep it to yourself, make sure you keep telling people until you get the help you need.

I don't think it will be easy keeping the baby either, I think it will be very hard, but I definitely think that after a hellish few years, when you really feel you have learnt to cope, you will feel better about yourself and everyone will feel better than if you give the baby away and feel the pain for your whole lives.

saltnshake · 08/09/2008 22:28

Have you heard of open adoption? Example here www.flickr.com/photos/hollyandpatrick/2801899636/

Kewcumber · 09/09/2008 08:50

You know that you won;t be able to relinquish your rights to the baby until at least 6 weeks under UK law anyway so would would at the very least have that time to think.

Also several agencies/local authorities run a scheme called concurrent planning where the baby is fostered by a family who has agreed to work with the birth parents over say 6 months to see if there is any chance te child could be placed back with the birth family. The foster family are given first opportunity to adopt.

Good luck to you whatever you choose, such a difficult decision for you either way.

AmyMarie · 09/09/2008 09:38

Hi Changedid.

I have relinquished a baby for adoption. The circumstances were somewhat different to yours but if you want to chat there might be somewhere on here you can send me a private message.

It is something I have to live with for the rest of my life and 1.5 years on I still think of her every day.

We have an open adoption and get direct contact twice yearly.

Much love to you

thecookspitsinthebuns · 27/09/2008 22:02

Changedid. I think you're being incredibly selfish. You must think about your baby and other children and put their needs before you're own. Having your baby adopted is not in the best interests of anyone.

WinkyWinkola · 27/09/2008 22:09

Thecooksspitsinthebuns, you're not really listening, are you?

bran · 27/09/2008 22:13

Ignore thecookspitsinthebuns, this is his/her one and only post and it is obviously a troll. You are not selfish Changedid, you are thoughtful, troubled and concerned and you genuinely want to do the right thing by everybody.

pooka · 27/09/2008 22:22

That's not very helpful TCSINB. Nor very sensitive.

I don't think the OP is being selfish. I agree very much with expat et al who have stated that she is in a mentally fragile state at the moment and not in the best place to be making such a drastic and life-changing decision.

Do you have a family support network Changeid? Would they be able to rally round and help, just for a little.

I am finding it hard to put myself in your place - because I've never been there with depression/unwanted pregnancy. But I keep thinking about this baby, and your existing children and the relationship they could have. And the possibility that in years to come your 3rd child will be aware that you gave him/her up and kept his/her siblings.

I do so hope that you get all the help and advice, medical and psychological, that you need.

What do you see as your happy ending? Is it having the baby and everything being fine? It could still happen...

Good luck.

Lilyloo · 27/09/2008 22:25

Why oh why is it necessary to ressurect an old thread on such an emotive subject poor taste really

fryalot · 27/09/2008 22:25

just wanted to add my thoughts...

before I do, though, please ignore that post by thecookspitsinthebuns. She was being deliberately insenstive, nasty and a bit of a cow.

I totally agree with what the others have said about this being your decision, and whilst people can talk to you and try to guide you, only you (and your dp) can make the final decision.

I wonder though, whether you would be asking if it was the right thing to do if you truly believed it was the best thing?

Please get some professional counselling which should help you make the right decision, which will be the best thing.

Good luck
xx

whooosh · 27/09/2008 22:30

The cook-isn'tthat rather harsh?
Sin't being selfish caring only for oneself?Your view IMHO is complete tosh.

Changedid-however much help there may be,I do (having suffered sever depression) understand exactly why you feel adoption is right for you.
Of course it will be hard-nobody would ever suggestit was an easy way out but it is a brave and selfless way out-for all of you.

pooka · 27/09/2008 22:30

It's not that old a thread! ONly about 2 weeks or so from the last post.

Lilyloo · 27/09/2008 22:36

But she could feel very differently from two weeks ago ?

thumbwitch · 27/09/2008 22:44

hello changedid - for you in your situation.
I have no experience of adoption but my sister did end up with 3 DC under 3, pretty much by accident - the oldest is a DSD, then she had her first DD when DSD was 1.7, then her 2nd DD when DD1 was 1.4.

It has been a rough road for her, she had PND after DD1 and again after DD2 but has had support from Homestart and family; her GP has been good with her, as have the HVs.

I don't know if this is possible, but could you maybe have the DC fostered rather than adopted? Because you might change your mind after a short space of time and it would be really sad for all concerned if you felt that you wished you had kept DC3.

As I haven' read all the pages here, I don't know how far down this route you have gone but perhaps the social services people will be able to offer you an alternative that is less final than adoption.

Much love and hope you feel better. ((hugs))

thecookspitsinthebuns · 28/09/2008 07:25

I didnt mean for my post last night to be as harsh as it came out. I just dont think that Changedid would be making the right decision by having the baby adopted. If she has depression now, giving a baby up for adoption would adversely impact on her mental state in the future. But this is only my opinion.

Lenlen · 03/10/2008 09:28

Just do what is best for you and your child. No one could help you with that kind of situation.

SuperSillyus · 03/10/2008 10:03

When I found out I was pregnant with my fourth child I didn't think I could cope. I was depressed for the first 3 months but then I started to settle down.

Everything has been fine, he is 18months now, I am coping brilliantly (though I say so myself)...didn't get depressed and I am so happy to have him.

Everything changes.
When you are not depressed everything looks different.
You can't make clear decisions while depressed because the nature of depression means that you are seeing everything with shit coloured glasses (rather than rose coloured glasses)

I wish healing for you- it is possible.

kidsrgreat · 13/10/2008 23:28

It is entirely YOUR choice . I have utmost respect for you.
look at all the options and do what's right for you and your family