Im having my baby adopted....is it the right thing to do?

[changedid]

I've just found out that I'm 18 weeks pregnant. I didnt know until now as Im still breastfeeding DD and wasnt having any periods anyway. I also have a DS who is 2.
I know in my heart that I wont be able to cope with another child. I have decided that adoption is my only option. I have spoken to my GP who told me to go away and think and come back next week for a chat to discuss my options. I dont see I have any other option.
Im not sure how other people will react to it though....i will be pregnant and not have a baby at the end of it. How do i explain that to people? My DP is upset but agrees that it is the best thing to do. can anyone understand my position? Will everyone think badly of me?

'but would you not feel anything for the baby when was born?,'

reasons include: depression, hormonal problems like low thyroid, extreme anaemia.

those are just three reasons why a person can feel nothing for her baby after it's born.

untreated antenatal depression can also lead to low birth weight.

the OP does not want a termination.

i am not judging just asking, just hope everything goes ok for you

www.depression-in-pregnancy.org.uk/ I don't know if this forum will be of interest to you. I found myself in a similar situation this time last year and I now have ds2 (16 months) and dd (4 months). I had a lot of support from these people as I had antenatal depression with ds2's pregnancy and PND while pg with dd.
Wishing you courage and strength xx

Hello changedid. How are you feeling?

I had a baby adopted nearly 19 years ago and have a friend who went through the process just 3 years ago.

It is certainly possible to have the baby placed from the hospital and never care for them in any way yourself, if that is what you wish.

Giving up my baby is the hardest thing I ever did, and it had an immense impact on my entire life since, my personality and my character. I also went through a period of severe depression afterwards (the only depressive period I've ever had in my life). So please don't think it's an easy option.

Do feel free to ask me any questions you wish either on the board or by CAT if you prefer.

Only you can judge if it is the right thing.

Yes, there will be repercussions for both yourself (and your dp) and the baby but only you can balance them against the likely repercussions for your family if you keep the baby.

I think if I were you, I would seek counselling and deffinitely keep adoption open as an option, but I would wait until the baby was born until making a decision - maybe even for a week or so after the birth. Don't pressurise yourself to decide during the pregnancy - it is not a decision that you need to make now.

That is such a big decision, only you can make it, I think that if that is what you feel is the right thing to do, then you should explore it more thoroughly, but I dont think depression will leave you because you have the baby adopted, that seems to have been part of your postnatal symptoms, and that will be no different if baby has gone.

I feel for you and wish I could say a wonderful thing that would make it all better. The fact that you are feeling this right now is heart wrenching, and I send you strength and hope.

I agree that no one can tell you if it is the right thing for you to do.

I have had PND and AND so can understand your worries on that score.

My mother put me up for adoption and changed her mind at the last minute. I can never forgive her as I spent the rest of my childhood in and out of children homes and foster homes. It was a truly awful time and one which I long to forget. I am 36 and still want a mum, any will do as mine is crap.

Please don't have your baby adopted. Please get all the help and support you can and work through this. This baby is meant to be here and you know what you will be missing out on if you give them away.

All kids want is their mum and dad. They don't need fancy clothes and expensive toys. I know my mother didn't want me and that feeling will never go.

I know this is different but it is a big leap from having had a baby to giving the next one up. I am probably in a minority of one when I say I don't think it is in the best interests of the baby to have them adopted. They would be safe with you, they would be loved by you, their dad and their siblings.

I wish you luck.

You are not in the minority. i do not think it is in the best interests of the baby to be adopted, unless there is no one in their family (including their extended family) who can give them a safe and loving home.

gooseyloosey - in the Uk mothers cannot legally relinquish babies until 6 weeks after the birth, although they can be placed with foster carers straight from the hospital.

changedid, your situation is heartbreaking. As other posters have said, adoption has changed a lot and it would not simply be a case that the baby was whisked away and handed to adoptive parents straight out of delivery room - there would be a period of fostering, and lots and lots of counselling and social services liaison before anything was finalised - I would imagine the whole process would take a year at least.

I was fortunate enough not to suffer from PND so I can only imagine how frightened you are at the thought of going through that again, but that could still happen even without the baby present.

I think (with no medical knowledge) you sound depressed NOW. I had slight antenatal depression and spent most of the first two trimesters in tears. I didn't et any treatment and lied through my teeth at all MW appointments - I was terrified of being considered unfit. I was very silly and if it were to happen again I would seek help.

the problem is, the OP cannot be 100% sure and confident this IS the best decision for her, and her family, until she gets her mental health issues sorted out.

she needs to have these addressed before she can begin to discuss what the options are for her particular situation.

her partner sounds like he could do with some counselling, too, as this is also his child and he must consent to having it adopted out as well.

SG I would have felt rejected by my mother if she had had me adopted. It would have been best in some ways, not others, but it is a completely different situation to the OP's. My mother couldn't care less about me then or now. I was her only child.

The OP has children already and can't seriously be going to put the child up for adoption because they will struggle financially?

I know she has depression but I doubt they would let her make this kind of decision when she is ill.

It isn't always about a better start and giving someone else a family. Children just want their mum. Better start, etc smacks of materialism.

Does anyone seriously give their child up for adoption to give someone else a gift of a child?

I know my post will piss people off but I don't care tbh. Some things just need saying.

the other issue, quite sadly, is that this poor lady is part of a family.

not the same as a single woman who has been left on her own or who is very young or the like.

there are other siblings who will be affected so again, it's paramount that she get the help she needs to sort out her mental health.

changed, if you are out there, i hope you are getting some help from MN here.

please, please! i have AND. i struggle.

it's scary, the thought of having this one, even planned.

but there's help out there and there's help here.

But Imnot, stepping away from the OPs personal situation for a mo, you say a child wants their mum. The adoptive mother IS their mum.

And not to be harsh but it sounds like you feel rejected by your mother anyway. If I were the OP your story would push me further down the adoption route, not change my mind.

It isn't materialistic to be concerned that you cannot, emotionally and psychologically, give a child what they deserve. You don't have to be wealthy, or even very comfortably off to be a good parent. I know plenty of loaded people who I think are pretty shocking parents.

But a few years down the line I doubt this OP would then give her child up for adoption!

We are always going to be high emotive on threads like this when we have had personal experiences and it is hard to be objective.

To the OP please don't think I am getting at you, I am not, I am just trying to stop you making (what I think) is a mistake. Feel free to ignore me.

I have known my whole life my mother doesn't want me and it is defferent from finding out I was adopted.

Good God, I hope not. Having her child adopted is not what I want her to do at all.

I never said it was materialistic to not be able to provide emotionally. Obviously materialistically is money. I never said anything about what your last paragraph says georgimama.

starlight - i know of several adoptees whose birth parenst relinquished them but kept their full siblings and they found it VERY hard to accept this. especially as their birth parents were still together

i woudl expect that the Op baby woudl be in foster care for at least 6 months before SS woudl place him/her with adoptive parenst. They will try to get the Bm and other family members to visit regularly. As others have said, they woudl be concerned that the Bm was suffering from PND and was making a decision while she was ill

No but you said a "better start smacks of materialism".

I don't think (and you clearly don't think) that a better start actually means that, and when most people refer to a child getting a "better start" with their adoptive or foster parents I would imagine they are also referring to emotional well being rather than money.

i think that sometimes people ARE referring to money and social class when they talk of giving a baby a " better start". Though I'm sure no one posting here would mean that....

Better start usually means material things in lots of cases and the OP did mention they would struggle financially.

The couple who wanted to foster me had nothing but 30 years later write to me with much love.

The well off couple who did foster me abused me in every which way and I am still paying for it now.