Fuckity fuck

[YouAreMyRain]

SS want to remove DD, today, as they consider her to be a risk to the other children. It's been escalated to a child protection issue. They want her to go full time to her dads.

I feel sick and heartbroken.

(Thought I'd start a new thread as the other one had moved on from its "schizophrenia" related origins and title)

Fuck.

I think a bit like Maryz that it won;t do too much harm to let your ExH fail and in the meantime use the change to reset your "normality radar" back to normal.

I know that sounds callous but I suspect him failing won't have any significant impact on your DD1 for anything except the shortest time and it could prove to be very helpful. I agree with Maryz - try to resist the urge to fill in when DH fails.

Just having a bit of space from DD has given me time to reflect on things that wouldn't normally even register with me. Seeing her in smaller doses has definitely helped.

Like the porridge in the bag. When I thought about it, I remembered that a week ago she took a bag of ice cubes out of the freezer, put them in her school bag and took them to school. I know it's not a major issue but it's just an example of odd behaviour that I normally wouldn't bat an eyelid at. It shows how caught up in her I usually am. I know I'm rambling but it helps me with my thoughts.

Keep rambling, we'll listen. X

I hope your meeting today is successful Rain

Been thinking of you today, I hope the meeting yeilded some kind of help/way forward

Well, that was shit.

ExH was there with his GF. I had no idea she was invited and I'm still not sure why she was there tbh. I thought my DP had a stake in all this, being father of one of the affected children. He was invited but couldn't attend due to work. Anyway, exH and GF sat there, whispering to each other, writing notes to each other etc. I felt totally alone.
They banged on about how they never see any of this behaviour from DD, that she is always perfectly behaved when she is with them, in a very accusatory way, and suggesting that my home environment/parenting is to blame.

PAS were there. They kept rejecting the idea of FF being any help because that's "just more therapy" which isn't the answer(?!) the SWs, who were pushing for FF, said that FF have said that they will work alongside CAMHS, which shot a big hole through PASs argument that FF would be bad, because it would require DD withdrawing from CAMHS.

PAS (two people from there attended) were asked if they had ever worked with FF, neither of them had. They said it was very rare to get a FF referral and when pushed they said that as far as they are aware, PAS at my LA have never referred to FF.

The plan is for exH to continue being the main carer for a few weeks and then for us to arrange to have joint custody of both DD.

So basically, my LA have never funded FF and have no plans to fund FF, so DD is just carrying on with the psychotherapy, and I am losing main custody of my DDs.

One issue with that, is then trying to get help for DD when her co-carers are refusing to see a problem will make it more difficult.

There is also the significant issue of not wanting to reduce the time I spend with them because I am their mummy.

Shit.
Shit.
Shit.

When I pick myself up off the floor, I will be contacting everyone I can think of, escalating this, complaining officially about it all and also approaching FF about their crisis fund. For the moment I just need to cry and hide.

But, but, but... are they saying that dd IS now safe to be around her siblings?

Do they think reducing the stability of her living arrangements will help??

Any extra support for you in all of this?

Sorry, Rain, you must feel close to despair. Absolutely you mustn't give up fighting.

Despair, yes.
It's like I'm watching a preventable train crash about to happen and no one is listening.

Rain what an awful day for you. Maryz gives excellent but tough advice.

Oh Rain I wish I had advice. I've been following your threads and all I can offer are (((HUGS))). Take a day or two to rest and think, for your own sake and the sake of all 3 your kids you must not burn out.

I know the following weeks are going to be very busy (and I think you have a good plan there, absolutely complain and contact people (leave a paper/email trail wherever possible)), but every moment you possibly can, do something for you. If it's only 2 minutes sat by yourself with a mug of something, any moment you can take for yourself, take it. As stupid (frankly) as your ex-H can be, DD is safe there and you need as much a break as possible from the constant little (and bigger) things parenting her confronts you with every day. A break like that can give (gives me anyway) let you build up more reserves of strength and different ways of thinking.

I agree with Maryz, if her dad fancies dealing with the weird and wonderful porridge type things, then absolutely leave it to him.

Did CAMHS get asked anything around doing a risk assessment?

Actually it doesn't matter whether he fancies it or not...if the latter, so much the better if he sees some sense.

Wise words everyone, as always, thank you.

Camhs have done a risk assessment with my input but it's more aimed at older YO type behaviours. We are waiting for the person who can score it to score it.

I know that if she's ok at her dads then that's great, panic over! (even if my pride and ego take a bruising) but my biggest concern is that he has a proven track record of fuckwittery in a range of circumstances and I feel like letting him be in charge is a recipe for disaster. I need to let go.

The other thing is that we had some feedback from Camhs from the cognitive profile/neuro developmental stuff that they are doing. DD is on the 1st, 5th and 7th centile for processing speed, working memory and verbal reasoning. That really shocked me too. Apparently she has some peaks (no details yet) and must be using those peaks to cover her deficits. I feel so sad for her.

Just hugs &

More hugs from me. I have a friend whose Ex never saw certain behaviours until he started to spend more time with his son- although it took a while!
My ds is on very low centiles (most below 1- although he has a relative strength in whatever the trial and error method of discovery is - explained a lot ) ,and it was an awful shock (Ds was 7 when assessed and even though we knew by then he had LD of some sort it was an awful shock to see how much the poor boy must have been struggling)- especially for you on top of everything else. She almost certainly has relative strengths too. Knowing what they are will help - and might help her behaviour. Life has got somewhat easier since we got to understand ds thought processes better. Its an aside at the moment.
Maryz as always gives excellent advice. Being on high alert all the time, year in year out, and the lynch pin for the whole family,- is not very good for any ones body! I found that out the hard way.
Thinking of you and hoping that today is the start of getting what you all need.

Thinking of you Rain . Nothing helpful to offer apart from that...

and hugs.

Can't sleep. I have emailed my LA head of children's services, my MP, Edward Timpson. Who else should I contact?

Does your daughter have a desgnated childrens rights officer? Also, The Fostering Network. They will advise further and Citizens Advice can give you names and numbers of family solicitors who are experienced and give the first consult/30 mins free.

On a positive note, I have discovered possible sources of funding for a FF assessment that don't involve PAS. I will be approaching these organisations ASAP and hopefully after an assessment, this could be used to apply to the new adoption fund in May.

On the confusing side, according to the SWs manager, there is "no risk" from DD to her siblings or self

This is because there is no hard evidence, apart from what people have said, so no drowned sisters or babies with broken necks as evidence. I am assuming that this is looking at things from a police/child protection view.

This means that the SW manager will not be doing anything more. The children will continue to be resident with me, exH will be asked to up his contact. Not quite the joint custody that was discussed yesterday.

Rain you said On a positive note, I have discovered possible sources of funding for a FF assessment that don't involve PAS. I will be approaching these organisations ASAP and hopefully after an assessment, this could be used to apply to the new adoption fund in May.

FABULOUS possibly some money to get the treatment you need, I do hope it will all pan out.

Oh Rain it is so frustrating. Do they want to deal with things once something serious has happened! Risk management is about thinking what the risks are before they happen, isn't it, so you can manage them!

I have no advice, sadly, but do keep on documenting it all. Not sure what to say but someone else will be along soon.