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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Fuckity fuck

177 replies

YouAreMyRain · 29/01/2015 15:04

SS want to remove DD, today, as they consider her to be a risk to the other children. It's been escalated to a child protection issue. They want her to go full time to her dads.

I feel sick and heartbroken.

(Thought I'd start a new thread as the other one had moved on from its "schizophrenia" related origins and title)

Fuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 02/02/2015 20:45

Kristina- I have shouted that down the phone at PAS more than once! "What needs to happen before we get help!!!!????!!!!!!" Etc

OP posts:
Lilka · 02/02/2015 21:05

I agree completely with Kristina, I want to do more than pinning them against a wall

So are PAS still involved at all or have they fully closed the case and not in contact with you?

It's okay to cry all the time, and not know how to put one foot in front of the other x Our circumstances were different and my DD much older but I still cry. I cried every day, and couldn't sleep or eat. Hypervigilance and stress reactions all the time. I find I've blanked a lot of it out now. Having your child leave your home in a way you would never want to happen to anyone is one of the worst things to try and deal with. You are enormously strong when many would have been unable to keep fighting the system, and you don't have to be okay with this either.

Italiangreyhound · 02/02/2015 21:26

Rain sorry darling nothing to add but keeping reading and hoping for a shred of good news. Is there any professional you feel is on your side or understands in all this?

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 02/02/2015 21:34

The only person who has shown any understanding was the person I spoke to at FF earlier today. There is a person at Camhs who I trust but they have no knowledge of adoption/attachment etc

OP posts:
Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 02/02/2015 21:35

Apparently the SWs manager was going to tell PAS to reopen the case at the strategy meeting today and they couldn't understand why it had been closed!

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Lilka · 02/02/2015 21:49

Well no it's not an understandable decision, it's fucking ridiculous. Hopefully they'll listen to the SW manager. I'm glad you've phoned FF and found an understanding person there. Are there any plans for a multi agency meeting of some kind?

Maryz · 02/02/2015 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 02/02/2015 21:58

I don't know your story but can only agree with Kristina and you - yes what DOES have to happen before these children get the intensive help they need so in the long term their lives are happy, successful and cheaper for the tax payer [anger][anger][anger]

Rain - just wishing you the best as you carry on fighting your dd's corner.

Devora · 03/02/2015 00:17

I'm angry, too. And scared. Jeez, if they told stories like this on adoption prep courses they'd find themselves talking to an empty room Angry. How dare they neglect and abuse these children all over again Angry.

KristinaM · 03/02/2015 08:26

Devora - that's why I tend to stay off the Newbie adoption threads ....Sad

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 03/02/2015 09:25

I'm in a complete mess now. Having been told that she is a major risk, I am now supposed to have her back with me?! Because a different SW manager said so? The problem with that is, she is a risk, and I was the one that flagged it up to safeguarding. My greatest fear was losing my child and feeling bereaved and wanting her back and now I feel scared to have her back!
Should I ask for her to see a psychiatrist to assess her before she comes back? I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 03/02/2015 09:40

It felt like the worst thing in the world that they had taken my baby away, but at least someone other than me had made a decision and was taking some action. Now what?

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maggiso · 03/02/2015 10:09

Can FF help? From this distance it is clear your DD1 needs urgent therapeutic support - wherever she lives.
Can you also have extra help to care for all 3 - would that be an option - if you got direct payments and had control of who you employed?

KristinaM · 03/02/2015 12:06

I'd phone FF as they are the experts

SS obviously don't have a **ing clue what to do and are just fire fighting by sending her to her dads. I predict that won't last long.

I think she needs an urgent multi discliplinary assessment , which should definitely include a psychiatric assessment . They will want to consider some of the diagnoses that were discussed on your other thread

They could do a proper risk assessment of having her at home. They could easily provide funding to have someone there to assist you, say from 3-7 pm each day . But what about weekends and school holidays?

Rain - you said there is someone you trust at CAMHS. Can they arrange for you to speak with the consultant psychiatrist who has experience in this area ? You really should be able to speak to someone today on the telephone .

You need to tell them everything on these threads - about her hearing voices, trying to kill herself, trying to drown her sister , her wish to self harm, that SS have concluded that she is a risk to her siblings etc

KristinaM · 03/02/2015 12:11

I'm really REALLY sorry to have to say this

But If you take her back now, without any support or therapeutic intervention, and she harms one of the younger children, how will you cope ? As well as your own guilt and the consequences for DD1, SS will hold you responsible as you knew she was a risk and you didn't supervise her adequately

FamiliesShareGerms · 03/02/2015 12:59

Oh I'm so cross on your behalves!!

Is your local MP and / or council member with responsibility for children's services any good? Phone or email them to get their support. (I'm a big fan of escalation when all else fails)

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 03/02/2015 14:07

Kristina - those are my concerns precisely!

I have just spent a rather unpleasant hr in a Camhs waiting room in the company of my exH. According to him, DD is well behaved at his house so therefore the only two possible conclusions that he can make are:
A) it is my household and/or my parenting that is making her like this
Or
B) I am making it all up because I have Munchausen's by proxy.

Apparently, the SW is now refusing to speak to him and is making him talk directly to her manager because of all the confusion he has caused with his fuckwittedness.

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oozmakappa · 03/02/2015 15:52

ExH might change his tune if the false allegations were about him or his DP. Has he seriously never witnessed ANY of dd1's issues? Denial much? Keep fighting for ALL of you. Surely he can see there is a problem with his perception if even the SW won't speak to him. You're doing a great job. X

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 03/02/2015 16:11

We were in the lift at Camhs after the assessment and DD decided that she was too tired to go back to school and wanted to go home to bed. She started shouting and stropping about in the lift, demanding to go to bed instead of school, knowing that there was no way her demands would be met but kicking off anyway. I looked at him and said "does she not do this with you?" His reply was "what? Say she's tired?" I said "no I mean the demanding impossible things, getting angry that her impossible demand are not being met etc? I get this all the time" He just looked at me blankly. Then she was trying to run away in the car park, shouting "I don't want to see you!" At him followed by "I do daddy! I want to see you!"
He was there for all this and he just couldn't see the problem. I think partly, he got used to her as a toddler and his expectations of her behaviour are not changing as she gets older, he doesn't see that this is not typical behaviour for an 8 yr old, to him, it's normal for her (or the three yr old her as was)

Then she cried most of the way back to school and told me that the headteacher had told all the pupils in assembly that they could go to bed for half an hr if they were tired. I laughed but she insisted she was correct. When we got back to school, I asked in the office of the head was available to clear something up and DD was stood right next to me nodding, wanting the head to confirm that she was allowed to go to bed for half an hr.

OP posts:
Maryz · 03/02/2015 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 03/02/2015 19:10

Exactly Maryz, she believed that the head had told her that. She doesn't really know what's real and what isn't. It's like, if she thinks something in her head, then it's real to her. This is why she has made false allegations and false confessions etc

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RandomMess · 03/02/2015 19:47

This is grim reading, I really wish there was something/someone out there who could really really really help.

Your ExH is quite frankly hugely in denial.

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 03/02/2015 20:34

The good news is that the SW and her manager are really pushing for ff/PAC funding from PAS. The stumbling block is that treatment and assessment with Camhs is underway. I know I will be told to stick it out with Camhs. They are doing a full neuro developmental assessment of her and did some cognitive profiling today with verbal and non verbal reasoning tests.

How do I justify in the big meeting a withdrawal from Camhs and commencement with ff/PAC? Should I ask for an initial assessment with FF/PAC, while continuing the Camhs and then when we get those recommendations, see what can be covered by Camhs and what could be added by other providers such as EMDR etc or do I go marching in demanding full withdrawal from Camhs and commencement of DDP?

I can't think straight. I know that at the meeting on thurs I need to be coherent and informed and be able to identify precisely why PAC/FF would be better than continuing at Camhs but I am exhausted and cannot think. I look at their websites and it's just all words swimming around.

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mamadoc · 03/02/2015 23:02

Hi rain. I am a psychiatrist and posted on your other thread. Here is my twopennyworth:

For one thing CAMHS have been working with her for some years now and it has not helped and things are if anything worse. That would be very powerful for me.

Also FF are the experts in this specific area post adoption. Perhaps CAMH is not working because they are not doing the right things.

I think that if I were you I would want to be sure that the very best people got onto this asap and I would not care about the money. Let them worry about that.

Is there a good reason to stay with the current provision that you can see? Because they will push you to accept what is cheapest so be very sure you really think this is best before you accept it.

mamadoc · 03/02/2015 23:08

You have said that speaking to FF you felt that someone really understood. That sounds like something important.

Also in general with services getting bits piecemeal from lots of different places is usually a recipe for cock ups, confusion and buck passing.

I think you should push them to fund FF especially if SW in support.

On the grounds that

This is a serious, risky situation that needs urgent, expert intervention and fully justifies the cost
CAMH interventions up to now have not been effective
You as a parent do not have confidence in current services

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