Fuckity fuck

[YouAreMyRain]

SS want to remove DD, today, as they consider her to be a risk to the other children. It's been escalated to a child protection issue. They want her to go full time to her dads.

I feel sick and heartbroken.

(Thought I'd start a new thread as the other one had moved on from its "schizophrenia" related origins and title)

Fuck.

What is so frustrating is that, when presented with the same facts, opinions are so varied as to what the risk is, what should happen, where DD should be, what help should be available etc
this is amongst friends/family but also amongst the trained professionals!

Some family members are advising me to leave DD1 with exH permanently, others urging me to hand both girls over to him so they have each other and the baby is protected, others are missing DD, don't see any risk, (just the immature ramblings and actions of a confused child) and are pushing me to get both DDs back full time ASAP.

PAS are shouting "risk! Risk! Risk!! Adults need to protect the children through separation of dc and or more vigilant supervision!"

The safeguarding team are (now) saying "no risk! No action!"
These are all trained social workers, looking at the same facts.

I am lost in the middle of all this. Trying to make sense of it all.

I can't imagine being assessed by social services whilst also coping with MH issues, disabilities, learning difficulties etc like so many people are. I am a professional person, used to the format of meetings, familiar with the terminology and processes involved and its still a hideous confusing mess from my point of view.

Good news re possible sources of funding

You are entitled to a copy of the risk assessment. Please get one ASAP

You need to see how they have assessed the hazard and the risk . If you have understood correctly, that they say there is no risk because nothing has happened yet, then they have NOT done it correctly

Anyway, I thought something had happened - your DD tried to throw herself out a window , she tried to drown her sister .

I am not a HCP but I know that this is NOT how psychiatrists assess risk. If I present with severe depression , saying that ive made cLear plans to commit suicide, I've Sorted out my affairs etc , they will assess that I am at risk and they will act accordingly

They won't say " well you are not dead yet so there is no risk "

Rain - I'd add the council cabinet member with responsibility for children's services to your letter writing list

I'm an employer and our staff work in potentially hazardous buildings. We have a detailed written risk assessment that is completed each time they attend a site.

None of our staff have ever been injured.
No one else has ever been injured on a site where our staff are present

This doesn't mean there is no risk

Usually accidents in industry happen because of number of things go wrong at once

Eg there is a problem with a machine so someone overrides the safety equipment AND the person who did this goes on his break and someone else uses the machine AND something gets stuck in it so the operator tries to clear it

That's why all employers are legally obliged to have a risk assessment and ( unless they only have a few employees ) to have this written down and regularly review it .

You can see where I'm going here ....

Just to say that I agree 100% with Kristina, of course!

I have done risk assessment for church activities and a club for adults with learning difficulties.

In both cases we thought about what might happen, how likely it was and what we could do to mitigate any risks. The idea that we would say there is no risk because no one has so far got totally lost on an outing or run over in the car park, is bizarre. It sounds at the very least unprofessional of the 'professional' and at worst completely dangerous.

Just want to keep on saying we are all behind you, we all do care and we are hoping for the best possible outcome for all of you.

Are you and your dp and exh and his dp being supported at all? It's the old 'adults put on your breathing masks first in a plane crash scenario' example! If you can't cope it all goes pear-shaped. So I hope you are all in some way supported. Hopefully your exh will eventually realise you may both get further if you work together but sadly you cannot control him so will have to hope he works this out for himself.

On a much smaller level my dh, who is utterly lovely, has always been slightly in denial that there is something wrong with dd. We have got so used to treating her 'carefully' and avoiding confrontations that he sees our family as relatively normal. But I see other 9 and 10 year olds and I know they do not 'blow up' in the way she does.

My dh works full time and I guess I am saying just that secondary care givers don't notice as much, no criticism of men or dads!

Hope that makes sense.

Thanks everyone for your continued and valued input (despite this thread making fairly depressing reading!).

I think that the SW manager is looking at this purely from a police/crime perspective where an offence is committed and then consequences/action is taken. This does seem very odd. She repeatedly said "we have done our assessment and there is no risk".

It also seems odd that the head of service deemed there to be a very high risk last week, to the point of removing DD, but a manager (ie less senior to them!) can come back off leave, say "no risk" and that's ok.

I have had communication from exH and predictably he is suggesting that I have DD before and after school next week! I have suggested an alternative plan, that includes me not doing that and him taking DD to her Camhs appointment, and I'm awaiting a response...

I have also had a very quick response from my MP, who I emailed in the early hrs of Friday. I got a letter in the post today (amazingly quick in fact) from them saying that they are writing to my local authority about it.

Families - I have just emailed them too. I couldn't find their details on Friday, so I emailed an enquiry to the council and haven't had a response, but I just amended my search terms and found their name and email etc.

Btw my enquiry was emailed to my local council at the same time I emailed my MP. Compare the responses!

I have dealt with lots of MPs complaints . They usually copy your letter to the relevant person ie chief exec of local authority , with a covering letter that asks them to investigate and either reply directly to you / copy to Mp or the other way round .

The better ones ask a series of specific questions with regard to your problem and ask for a reply to the MP

Just to warn you. You may just get " we are aware of Mrs Smiths concerns regarding her daughter Jane and have assigned the case to our XXXX team "

However it is a good thing to do as it lets the authority know that you are not a soft touch

And to supplement Kristina's point, there are two other reasons I suggest writing to an MP / local councillor:

1. you are much more likely to get a reply, as government departments have special teams and targets to handle correspondence from MPs

2. it provides another audit trail, of a time when you were compelled to say "I have a problem and need your help"

I hope you get some proper support soon

Rain, I'd lurked on this thread (sorry- thinking of you, but not much useful to say), and then thought it was you in aibu.

Is ex-H wanting the younger DD to stay over more, too? But surely that wouldn't work if elder DD is a danger to her?

Sorry you're going through all this, what a nightmare.

my AIBU thread

Bit of an update. ExH is talking about taking me to court for joint custody. He is claiming that I am unable to supervise my DDs properly (while also claiming that DD is fine and has no issues because it's all in my head) and he has been emailing me saying that he has "fundamental concerns about the DDs wellbeing in my care" etc

I did suggest that if this is the case then he should be pushing for full custody and presumably he has flagged up his concerns to the relevant authorities etc. When I spoke to the SW last week (who still hasn't completed her report) I asked her if he had mentioned these "fundamental concerns" to her and guess what? He hadn't. He also cannot explain what these concerns are.

We were supposed to meet last weds to discuss contact etc, he couldn't make it. He also couldn't make a meeting last Friday so that has delayed the meeting by two weeks.

And now the Valentine card.

He has had DD1 apart from two nights this week, when I had both DD. He had both DD together for two nights as well. Both DD are staying at ExHs parents until thurs. He always dumps them on his folks (3hrs drive away) when he has them in the school holidays, he did it for a week last easter and summer, which is why I'm annoyed that he fucked off on holiday for three weeks in jan and also why I am very suspicious of his sudden desire to be wonder dad.

I wasn't going to help out with wraparound care but then when I asked him if he was dropping them at school (one of them was in an assembly at 9am) he said "well if you don't want to see them in the morning then I will" in their earshot. I hissed at him that it was a very inappropriate thing to say but felt emotionally blackmailed to do it. Bastard.

I am pretty sure that SS are aware that both DDs are at ExPILs.

ExMIL hates me with a passion because the first Christmas I spent with them I "ruined christmas" by telling her thuggy (at the time) son in law off for hitting his one yr old baby in front of me. It was just the three of us in the room, the baby was in a high chair crying and the sil shouted for them to be quiet then he whacked the baby's hand into the tray of the high chair leaving a red mark. I stood up and went "what the hell are you doing? You are an adult, that is a baby!" Etc and then mil spent hours sobbing in the kitchen because I ruined Xmas by suggesting that something was wrong with her perfect family. She has form for ignoring the bleeding obvious. I suspect she is loving all this, slagging me off etc and is behind a lot of ExHs recent behaviour, he never stood up to her.

When the DDs are with them and I ring up it is never "convenient" for me to talk to them which really upsets me.

While I am (ever so cathartically) ff loading about my ExMIL, this same thuggy son in law of hers was once apparently holding this same baby, and the baby apparently held the back of its own hand against a radiator for so long that they got a nasty burn on their hand. ExMIL accepted this but I questioned it (strike two). Also when this thug went on to beat up her own DD, ExMIL said "I know what she's like and I know that women can make men hit them"

Phew, rant over.

OMG! What a f-ed up family you had to deal with. I am sure not on the surface but...

Nothing to say just cannot believe what I read on this thread. And what the hell is taking the SW so long to finish the report? I second MaryZ and hope you are getting some rest. And sleep. And not spending every hour racked with worry and stress.

So sorry you are going through this. So sorry.

Hels - incredibly respectable on the surface! Professionals, on all the local committees, chair of governors, chamber of commerce etc

He just texted me about next week. I have responded to check that he definitely wants 50/50 custody eg 50% of school holidays, appointments, illnesses etc

I also thanked him profusely for all the wonderful valentines stuff (DDs brought chocolates with them etc)

Interestingly, I have just been looking back through old texts from him and have found one from before Xmas that says " I have never questioned the care you give our children"

Urgh he's a dick, and a nasty one at that

Rain so sorry this is happening.

Rain - how is it all going? Ex still being a dick? How is your younger DD?

Well, according to SS, who have now completed their assessments, there is no risk because no one has been hurt and it's just me saying what happened. I did point out that no one has asked DD1 & DD2 what happened and that there was evidence in the form of their testimonies, which haven't been sought. The SS manager was adamant that there is no evidence of risk and apparently, I have over reacted by reporting the incident.

The outcome is that SS will close the case and contact will go back to how it was before anything happened. So nothing has changed.

My ExH is still being a dick, he has got a solicitor and wants to take me to court to get 50/50 custody, so he can stop paying maintenance. His GF has already changed her hrs at work to part time in anticipation. SS said that 50/50 doesn't work and isn't good for DC as they need a base etc so if he takes me to court, SS will do a court report saying that.

That's it really. I had a break, I realised how anxious I have been parenting DD (as a reaction to events over the past year) so I am trying to chill out a bit. ExH proved that he is a twunt. ExHs GF has been nice though so that's positive.