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Adoption

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Original poster

Fuckity fuck

177 replies

YouAreMyRain · 29/01/2015 15:04

SS want to remove DD, today, as they consider her to be a risk to the other children. It's been escalated to a child protection issue. They want her to go full time to her dads.

I feel sick and heartbroken.

(Thought I'd start a new thread as the other one had moved on from its "schizophrenia" related origins and title)

Fuck.

OP posts:
Parsley1234 · 01/02/2015 13:03

The reason a lot of adoptions break down is due to a lack of intensive therapy being offered when the problems come up within the adoptive family. It is a terrible situation that you are bring faced with the child I mentioned previously was about to be adopted her adoptive parents refused to go ahead unless intensive work was out into the family. They luckily got it unfortunately they had bargaining power due to the child not being formally adopted already. I wish you every bit of luck. Unfortunately no one can predict whether your daughter will come home I'm sure over the next few weeks the situation will become clearer for you all and I wish you well.

MoJangled · 01/02/2015 22:26

Rain Flowers
You know a lot more about how things might go than me. I hope next week brings some progress.

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 01/02/2015 23:30

ExH, DDs dad had now proposed that he cancels child maintenance as DD1 is at his, and DD2 will be at his two nights a week.
He earns £40k+ and I am not working.
She has been with him for just over two days.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2015 23:33

Oh Rain please do get some advice on all this, he is ridiculous! Two days. What a horribly opportunistic thing to do!

FATEdestiny · 01/02/2015 23:35

I think it reasonable that child maintenance would need to be adjusted.

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 01/02/2015 23:44

FATE of course it needs adjusting but cancelling it totally? After two days?!
He always was a tight arse.

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 01/02/2015 23:56

There is rather a lot going on at the moment for the two of you to be negotiating child maintenance in any great dept. He was just proposing and idea. A simple and fair retort would be to suggest halving child maintenance while DC1 is living with him.

KristinaM · 02/02/2015 06:15

I thought this was just a short term , emergency placement while a full assessmt of her needs was made

And besides, DD2 can't go there to stay with them as her sister is a risk to her ( isn't that why she was moved )

And of course its not the top priority at this stage . If that's his idea of the main issues he clearly has no grasp of her needs and the seriousness of the situation

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 02/02/2015 06:24

How am I supposed to be ok with this? How can I keep putting one foot in front of the other?
DD will be here in just over an hr and I can't stop crying. I miss her so much.

Kristina - he's a twunt and in some sick way I think he's enjoying this

OP posts:
KristinaM · 02/02/2015 06:41

You are not supposed to be ok with it. It's awful . Most parents biggest nightmare is losing their child.

Of course you miss her, she's your baby .

Why will she be there in a hour -is your ex bringing her over to yours ?

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 02/02/2015 06:52

We live next door to her school, so it's contact and at the same time wraparound care for DD due to ExHs work (maybe I should invoice him)

OP posts:
Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 02/02/2015 07:09

SS have agreed it, even though I'll be by myself with 3 DC. However, apparently SS told exH on Friday that DD can only be here if there are only two DC or an extra adult/my DP here.
So they are telling us different things. I have emailed the SW for clarification about this, also SS are being very vague about timescales and wether DD can have overnight contact with me etc but they told exH it will be for a minimum of four weeks and there will be no overnights until things are reviewed after four weeks. I think they are trying to mug me off.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 02/02/2015 10:03

Yes they are trying to mug you off

DDd will not be fixed in 4 weeks . When is her emergency case review ( or whatever it's called ) ? You need a plan in place for when things break down at her dads

Get everything in writing with SS

Phone FF today

Can you afford a lawyer ? I know you don't work but I'm guessing your Dp does

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 02/02/2015 11:26

I have just got off the phone to FF. They are recommending that I make complaints to health, LA, etc and they are helping me to draft a letter.
The person I spoke to was lovely and she actually understood.

OP posts:
Maryz · 02/02/2015 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 02/02/2015 12:14

When he dropped DD this morning, i did ask him where I should send the invoice for wraparound care.Angry

ExH has his GF/DP living with him so it's a 2:2 ratio of adult:child rather than 2:3 or 1:3 here. That's their justification for it anyway.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 02/02/2015 13:05

Fate in response toA simple and fair retort would be to suggest halving child maintenance while DC1 is living with him. I don't agree, IMHO. After two days Rain's ExH suggesting a major change to maintenance is preposterous. I would say any change so early is ridiculous. And also shows to me a very negative side to the ExH.

Also, Rain's home is set up for the family she has, which is three children. She may not have been feeding dd1 for two days but the main costs of home, clothes, toys and school stuff etc and all the rest are still there, nothing has changed after two days in terms of finance.

Oh goodness Rain, just read We live next door to her school, so it's contact and at the same time wraparound care for DD due to ExHs work (maybe I should invoice him). So you are taking her to school and maybe giving her breakfast and ExH still expects not to give any maintenance for her care out of his large salary!!!

Rain glad FF are being helpful.

Agree with MaryZ when she says From a practical point of view, your ex can't stop child maintenance and use you for free childcare - after all if he has dd1 permanently and stops maintenance you will have to get a job and won't be there to do the free wrap around. It might be worth pointing that out.

Rain hope this morning is OK. All best wishes.

KristinaM · 02/02/2015 13:35

Glad FF have been helpful .

All the love and the therapeutic parenting you have given DD1 for years has sadly not been enough to " fix " her

So I'm guessing that 2:1 parenting for 4 weeks from people who haven't got a ***ing clue won't fix it either

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 02/02/2015 14:06

No, it won't fix her. DD has made numerous false allegations against my DP, resulting in 2 investigations by the police and SS. More recently I found a disturbing letter addressed to DD, calling her names and threatening her. Investigations showed that her friend had written it, because DD had asked her to. DDs plan was for it to be discovered and for people to think it was written by DP. She is still trying to frame him.

When the novelty wears off at her dads, that's when she'll start on his DP.

OP posts:
maggiso · 02/02/2015 14:35

Would it help to be less painful for you think of it only as temporary (as it might be), or a shared type of care? I know you cannot control how you think.
It is unreasonable to stop child maintenance for DD2.
Glad to hear FF are helping you. Flowers

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 02/02/2015 18:36

I had a call from the SW late this afternoon. Her manager was away last week. Apparently after a meeting earlier today, the manager is fine with DD coming back here. Confused
I couldn't speak freely or ask any questions (or pay full attention!) because I had DD with me. I have asked her to email me the full details and ring me in the morning.

Can't believe all this! No idea what's going on now. DD is with her dad tonight, as planned.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 02/02/2015 18:58

Oh and the difference between what exH was being told and what I was being told, was him getting confused because he is a fuckwit, who, despite being a post graduate qualified professional, cannot understand simple information in his mother tongue

I've been to hell and back over this and despite being told by the SW that everything is ok, I remain very suspicious and I am not counting my chickens until after feedback from the strategy meeting.

There is also the rather important question, that I have been asking for nearly a month, which is what risk does DD pose to her siblings and how do we measure and minimise that risk because simply putting her back here doesn't answer that!!! Maybe I should say I'm not prepared to have her back until she has been risk assessed, it might access some actual help for her?

OP posts:
KristinaM · 02/02/2015 19:09

i think that something needs to be done NOW to get your DDd the intensive therapeutic help she needs before she harms herself or another child.

Or she makes it impossible for her ever to live within a family setting ( due to the false allegations )

As soon as these are directed at her dads DP, she will be out of there like a shot. And of course no foster carer will take her so she will have to go to a residential unit Sad .

These costs thousands of pounds per week and SS will have to foot the bill. It makes the cost of therapeutic interventions look like chicken feed

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 02/02/2015 19:17

I agree Kristina. Totally.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 02/02/2015 19:31

I feel so sad and angry and frustrated just READING your threads, I can't imagine what it's like to live it

I want to grab the director of social services by the lapels, pin them up against a wall and shout

" just WHAT does this child have to do before you take her problems seriously and hear her distress ? She's tried to kill herself, drown her sister and have her step father put in prison . How bad does it have to get befroe you get her some help ? "

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