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Original poster

Fuckity fuck

177 replies

YouAreMyRain · 29/01/2015 15:04

SS want to remove DD, today, as they consider her to be a risk to the other children. It's been escalated to a child protection issue. They want her to go full time to her dads.

I feel sick and heartbroken.

(Thought I'd start a new thread as the other one had moved on from its "schizophrenia" related origins and title)

Fuck.

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Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 30/01/2015 15:24

Thanks. She is still going to her dads but I told them that I see it as an informal arrangement.

I told them that I wouldn't sign a loan agreement with no end date so I'm not signing an agreement for my child with no end date!!

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Racmactac · 30/01/2015 15:37

If you don't consent to the working agreement and they believe she is a risk they will be forced to take court action.

I'm sorry I know nothing of the background but I wish you luck

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 30/01/2015 16:07

Rac - I am doing what the working agreement sets out but without signing it. So DD is at her dads and is not a risk to the others, and I am cooperating fully with what SS have asked.

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FamiliesShareGerms · 30/01/2015 17:52

I hope you all get time to draw breath over the weekend and get a proper plan that supports you all agreed next week

Italiangreyhound · 30/01/2015 19:16

Rain sounds like you are doing all you can. Hope the weekend is ok for all of you and that there is something more helpful for dd1 in sight.

How has everyone else taken it?

Can you and your exH work together, is there animosity etc? I hope you can work together for the sake of dd1.

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 30/01/2015 21:59

We are managing to work together for the sake of DD (so far!)
DD2 is fine about it, I think she's probably glad of the space.

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Italiangreyhound · 30/01/2015 22:18

Rain that is good, you and exH able to work together. Maybe this will bring out the best in him! Let's be hopeful.

maggiso · 30/01/2015 22:24

It seems to me (no expertise) that once DD1 is at her dads (and her siblings are safe), she will still need lots of support, so PAS will need to come back. Could PAS then start to put the support in place. I do understand that safeguarding has to come first. Well done at putting your foot down, and keeping some control. I have no (good) experience of getting help from PAS - gave up myself - although we have had support from the disabled childrens team (respite etc), and CAHMs. Thinking of you.

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 30/01/2015 22:34

Whoever suggested I might feel relief was spot on. I feel relieved and guilty. I have just locked up for the night and now I'm missing DD and feel sad and tearful that I could only lock two of children safely inside tonight. It just feels strange and wrong.

I am so grateful for DP. After everything DD has put him through and the risky behaviour she has displayed towards his/our baby, he wants her back here with us. I love him.

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KristinaM · 30/01/2015 22:38

How can PAS close her file ? She will still be an adopted child at her dads!

This should be a short term measure so that more intensive support measures can be out in place.

What happens when her placement with her dad and his partner breaks down ?

What happens when her sister goes to visit their dad too ? How can she be kept safe ?

What happens if she becomes violent at school ?

Her issues won't go away because she is living with her dad.

KristinaM · 30/01/2015 22:43

Did you contact FF about accessing help through their Families In crisis fund ?

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 30/01/2015 23:04

Not yet Kristina, I have just been constantly on the phone for the last few days, literally on my mobile, then the house phone rings, then someone else on the mobile.
I will contact them on Monday.

Your points about what happens if...? I have made to the SW in writing/email. Hopefully we will know more after the strategy meeting next week.

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Italiangreyhound · 30/01/2015 23:48

Rain it was me who thought you might feel guilty, because you are a mum, and we mums feel guilty a lot of the time! Wrongly so! Please do not waste any energy feeling guilty. You have been doing so much for so long with so little.

It must be very hard to be without your dd. But she is safe, with her dad, I would assume. And you and the two others and your dp are safe too. So for just moment feel safe and not guilty.

Kristina makes excellent points as always.

Hope the strategy meeting goes well.

Thinking of you dear Rain

oozmakappa · 31/01/2015 18:57

How are you today?

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 31/01/2015 20:29

Wierd. Ok most of the time but really missing DD at times and fighting back the tears (unsuccessfully) when DD2 talks about her sister being "gone".

It's calmer. I felt able to have a few sips of beer with my tea, which I would never do if DD was here. I am used to being hyper vigilant.

It's like grief and relief. I'm not sure if she will ever be able to come home again and that breaks my heart. SS have agreed to her coming here before school and after school for tea a few times next week but no overnight stays.

I think I could have persuaded SS to downplay the situation a bit if I had tried but I had to be honest with them, I don't feel able to trust DD and I do not think it's possible to provide the level of supervision that would be necessary to ensure everyone's safety.

I am quite sure that this situation wasn't covered in the training.

We went out for the day and I saw a teapot made out of chocolate in a gift shop. I wanted to buy one and send it to PAS.

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Kewcumber · 31/01/2015 20:30

I'm sure we'd all chip in Rain

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 31/01/2015 20:39

Kew Grin it was £15!

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oozmakappa · 31/01/2015 21:03

My £15 is here waiting!!

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 31/01/2015 21:20

I might go back and get one and send it anonymously...

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Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 31/01/2015 22:38

She's not going to come back is she?

No one will put their career on the line and say that she definitely Confusedisn't a risk will they? No matter what therapy she gets.

I'm getting through this by telling myself it's temporary but I think I'm just starting to realise that it's probably not.

Does anyone think she will ever come back and live with me? I need honest opinions.

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Italiangreyhound · 31/01/2015 23:12

I think she will, but I do not know anything!

I think it is best to deal in facts and be looking at the situation as it is now. You were honest, as you said, I think I could have persuaded SS to downplay the situation a bit if I had tried but I had to be honest with them, I don't feel able to trust DD and I do not think it's possible to provide the level of supervision that would be necessary to ensure everyone's safety.

But the situation might change. Just keep on pushing for whatever you can get for your dd, maybe having a little bit of rest time will help renew your fighting spirit.

MoJangled · 01/02/2015 07:46

Rain I'm an adopter-in-waiting and mainly lurk on these threads, but I've followed your story. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I hope you can use this time to get some rest and recovery yourself - you've been exhausted and desperate for so long. Shocked at how badly you've been let down - and I really don't see how PAS can wash their hands of the situation.

With this in mind, there is a scenario in which you get her back. It involves PAS or someone reacting to the crisis by putting intensive therapy and ongoing support in place, for DD and maybe the rest of the family too. Obviously only one of the outcome scenarios, but it has to be the goal one and it sounds like you're throwing everything at getting there.

Wishing you strength and access to the most senior person in your adoption service...

bronya · 01/02/2015 08:02

Rain even if it does become permanent, if she gets the help she needs and is happy with her dad, it will be Ok. I have a friend whose children are split like this. It broke her heart to start with, but she still sees her DC1 regularly and she can now see the benefit to everyone. That doesn't mean she doesn't miss her DC1 desperately, but all her children are happier and she has said that knowing that this is the best thing for them, helps her. They are happier too. Living in a situation where you are waiting for someone to explode at any minute, walking on eggshells all the time, does no one any good. The other children are now free to laugh and play, to grow up relatively care free and have a proper childhood. The troubled one gets the attention they need.

Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 01/02/2015 09:54

Bronya, can I ask a question? Your friend whose DC1 is not with her, is her DC adopted?

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Original poster
YouAreMyRain · 01/02/2015 10:33

MoJangled - the thing is I am very doubtful that there will be any intensive therapy.
People will say, "let's wait 16 months until she completes her psychotherapy with Camhs and see" but by that time she is settled at her dads (providing she hasn't disrupted everything), probably in a new school (he lives 12 miles away) who would say it's in her best interests to move her back?

Even if she does get the intensive therapy, presumably she will stay at her dads while it's happening. Then we're in the same position, settled, new school, why move her back?

Even if it can be argued that she's better coming back, what "expert" will actually say that it's safe and potentially risk their career and reputation on it?

I honestly think she's not coming back.

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