newborn adoption

[BrightSunshineyDay]

I gave birth yesterday and immediately relinquished responsibility. I have so much going round in my head right now that I hope no-one minds if I blurt it out here.
I will be speaking with social workers tomorrow so I want to think of as many questions as possible. I know without a doubt I am doing the right thing. He will go to a foster family for a few weeks until new parents are found (I was in denial about the pregnancy until only a couple ofdays ago)
How quickly will he be found a new family? Will the new family be in my local area? Should I write him a letter explaining my life circumstances and his birth story? Should I get him a keepsake? Is letterbox contact the best thing for him and his new family? Thats all I want. What is best for him. I want to do whatever is best so he can grow up not feeling abandoned or deserted. I want him to know I love him but I want him to have the best life possible.
Please tell me there are parents/a parent out there who are just about to receive into their life the most perfect beautiful boy, and they will be kind and loving and settled.
Sorry for the brain dump - I've been awake for hours and this is all going round in my head.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Sorry. Dc are back from school. Don't want them to see me upset. Thankyou so much for listening to me today.

[HappySunflower]

I hope by now you've heard from someone but if not please try not to read anything into it. It is notoriously difficult to get hold of a social worker on a Friday afternoon; so many of them are dealing with pre-weekend crisis situations. I am keeping everything very crossed for you that you are able to see your baby really soon.

[lljkk]

I am American. I have a cousin who gave up a baby at birth, she met the adoptive parents several times while pregnant & the adoptive mother cut the umbilical cord. Adoptive family send Christmas cards.

Another cousin adopted from birth, she also met and was approved of, even, by the birth mother.

I really wish the British system was more like that.
Hope you feel more settle soon.

[RhinosAreFatUnicorns]

I have no advice other than what's been given, but I wanted to say that I think you are incredibly brave. I really feel that you need to take some time, to come to the right decision for you, but please please keep on fighting to see your DC for now. In time you will, I hope, realise what the right thing to do is - whether that is bring him home or not. Your love for your DCs come across as so strong.

I wish there was something I could do, and feel so frustrated in your behalf. Take care. I will be thinking about you.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

I phoned over an hour ago but still no joy I spoke to a man and said I don't understand why she isn't teturning my calls. My hv spoke to her yesterday and asked her to call me but she didn't. I have now left 3 messages and still nothing. So 4 messages in over 24hours and just silence. I don't get it. Now its the weekend I won't be able to do anything till monday will I? All I want to ask is to see my son, am I expecting too much? I can't think straight and don't know how I will get thru the weekend.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

The manager has phoned me back. Very apologetic and is going to arrange for me to see ds monday or tuesday. Thankyou so much for the handholding today. I really appreciate it.

[HappySunflower]

Thank goodness you've heard from somebody. I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now.
I am sure its going to be a bit of a long weekend for you but please do keep posting if its helping you. X

[Italiangreyhound]

Bright please do not talk yourself down you have been through more than many of us put together (or at least me put together with people I know whose lives have been no where near as difficult).

Please can I ask you are talking to in real life, aside from your father?

Please find out how you can access counselling a.s.a.p. so you can make an informed decision about you new dc.

I am an adoptive mum and I love my little one a lot but if he could have been with his mum, that is where he should be (if that makes sense).

If it really is in your new dc's best interest to be adopted you will be able to make that decision with a clear head and work out the best way to tell your other children etc. If new dc is better off with you, and if you can get the support to cope with it all etc, then you need to work this all out before a decision is made.

You need lots of practical and emotional help at this time and I am afraid I do not know how you can access this help but someone on here does. So please push for all the help, practical and emotional, supportive and decision making, anything that you can.

[fasparent]

Bright do phone legal and explain on number I gave you, all is out of order significantly so, they can advise you at least. Also contact Post natal midwife and Health visitor ask for a referral too NHS Family nurse practitioner service for support.

[Thumbwitch]

Bright, I am so saddened for you that the SW is being so utterly shit to you - it's ridiculous!
I do hope that the manager takes her severely to task over this because it's just wrong.

I would also suggest you express milk to keep your supply going for now - it will freeze, as I'm sure you know, and you can either use it for your own baby or donate it (although you'd need to ring the milk bank people to find out how to do that properly) but at least it will give you the option, if you do decide that your baby is coming back to you.

You really are brave, and you do have the strength you need, even if it currently doesn't feel like it. I would also suggest that you get referred for emergency counselling because you sorely need it - I'm only surprised that you haven't been offered it yet already, given the circumstances with your H!

I hate to suggest this but it might, in the end, be a good idea - consider letting the mask slip to the outside world, you might discover that people will be more than happy to rally round and help you out whereas currently they see no need for it. Let them see that you need the help, give them the chance to be there for you as you have for them. xx

[McPhee]

I've just read your thread, and I feel humbled.

Yes, you are brave and amazing.

[Itsfab]

Please don't have your son adopted because you think it would be best for him to be with someone with more money. That really isn't what a child wants.

Keep notes of absolutely everything that is said, write when phone calls are due and if they happen or not, take names constantly. IME SS are pretty crap and you need to protect yourself and your baby.

[ohldoneedtogetagrip]

Your hormones are all over the place just now and your head all mixed up. You have had a horrendous time recently and have gone from knowing you had 3DC to 4 DC's very quickly.
You have time to decide what to do.Please do not make any rash decisions about the adoption. DS can stay for quite a few months with foster parents until new parents are found--remember you have to sign papers for the adoption to go through.
I was adopted and my birth mum didn't sign to adoption papers until l was 6 months old--she couldn't decide what to do.
Please consider all your options, get as much practical and legal help as you can-THEN make your decision.
Good luck

[HappySunflower]

How are you doing?
I hope you've managed to get through the weekend ok. Fingers crossed you can get to see your baby tomorrow, and that the way forward will seem clearer to you x

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Thankyou all so much for your messages. The weekend seems to be lasting twice as long as normal but I have kept busy with the 3dc.
Struggling to scroll up without losing my post forvthe 10th time but fasparent do you think I still need to callthat number even though the manager rang me friday?
I told another good friend yesterday. She was wonderful and understanding but sad and a little cross that I hadn't confided in her. She said I am too convincing about coping when really I am struggling. I have to change that.
Just to clarify, I haven't told my dad so apart from professionals involved it is just 2 friends and ds' father who know.
I'm starting to believe I can actually do this. After speaking to friend yesterday I'm shocked at myself and my own actions.
But I'm scared to get my hopes up. I am desperate to see him. Fingers crossed it will be tomortow but failing that then definitely tuesday. There is a little ds size space in my family now. I keep getting teary knowing how I've let all 4dc down but then I just keep thinking I have to use that feeling to drive me forward and do better.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Oops. Sorry not replied to every post. I am reading them all and really do appreciate you taking the time to post. Thankyou.

[Hels20]

I have 2 stories to share.

Firstly, my aunt gave birth to her second child and refused
to bring him home from hospital (it was in another country). She had severe depression.

My grandmother stepped in - and looked after the baby for the first 3 months of his life. Then, my aunt felt she could manage (she was married but her husband was a slight waste of space) and they had a lovely relationship in the end. My cousin never blamed his mother for what she did - and understood.

Second story - in the last few years, a friend gave birth. She abandoned her child at the hospital, too (there
were some medical issues) but a week later, her child came home to her.

You are not the first to experience utter denial and shock about a birth/baby. I suspect more people than we realise really struggle...but they take the baby home and "cope" because they have a great support network. The more people you can share the truth of your circumstances with, the more you will be able to get support.

So happy to read that you feel as though you might be able to cope after all - even though it will be a struggle at times, I am sure. You are a coper, you are a great Mum and, from what I have read, I think you will be able to do this.

Please post tomorrow and let us know whether you managed to see your baby.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Thankyou for the positive stories. I really hope I have similar.
I have been wondering whether to try expressing to keep my milk supply up but don't know if thats the best thing to do. Would it be getting my hopes up too much? So much going round in my head so apologies for random thoughts/questions.

[HappySunflower]

I think you should express, yes.
If you store it in a freezer then it can be used for him at some point.
Do you have a breast pump? If not, some children's centres have them for loaning to people.

I so hope that you can see, hold and feed him tomorrow, and that you can find a way to have him home with you all. X

[Hels20]

SS will want you to take your baby back - if you can look after him, and aren't putting your other children at risk. I sure they will want you to breast feed if possible - skin to skin contact is important for baby bonding.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Thankyou. I hope so too! Bath for me now I think, then try and get a good nights sleep in preparation for whatever tomorrow brings.
Thankyou again, so much. This time last week I was in pieces, obviously still a long way to go but feeling a little more positive now.

[MonserratCaballe]

Bright, have been thinking if you all weekend. I hope you get to see your son and that you find the strength to make the decision which will be best for your family. You sound full of love for all your DC and I really hope everything works out for you.

I used to have a breast pump and might still have it if you'd like. Very happy to pop in post if its still around. In the meantime can you hand express to keep things going?

Sending you and all your family my very best wishes

[Haffdonga]

Dear sunshine I can't imagine what you are going through and my heart goes out to you. I'm writing because I also have a close relative (sister in law but not in this country) that this happened to. She remained in denial of her pregnancy until the birth of her dd and then initially she planned to have her dd adopted. In fact her dd grew up much loved in the family and is now a beautiful young woman working and studying at uni.

Do you think you would be able to talk to your dad and tell him what's happened? Whatever you decide in the long run and however much you fear his reaction, perhaps just the act of telling someone in your family will make the situation feel less 'unmanageable' for you. If he knows, it will remove at least the secrecy aspect and perhaps make your decisions about your next steps will then seem clearer.

I wish you all the very best.

[fasparent]

You have the number, always best if things can be worked out amicable ,
may be see how things pan out in next few days, Request support and contact NHS Family nurse practitioner service via health worker or Post natal midwife, may be able too support you and your children. in many areas
Take care

[Thumbwitch]

Yes to expressing - definitely. :) I do hope that you see your DS tomorrow and I have to confess to hoping that you decide to bring him home too, but you must do whatever is right for you and your family. xxx