Hey brights,
Am so sorry this is all so hard for you:(
Here are my thoughts as someone who did relinquish a baby...
Firstly if you were in denial about the pregnancy you are in no fit state to make this decision. Go slowly and with eyes open. At times of stress it is easy to make a decision and stick to it blindly as you don't have the capacity to be flexible or resourceful so a repetitive mantra seems soothing.
Speak to After Adoption - they will share accurate info and listen to YOU. They are very very good.
Get a pump and keep up your milk supply, ring nct/LLL who can help with hire of a good pump. Do this whilst you make your decision as you don't want to come end up reunited and not bf if this suited you before.
your sw has been shit already, this isn't unusual as you are not her concern the baby is. They are stretched and some are just crap....
You can see your baby, you can have your baby returned. You have met the needs of your current children and can meet the needs of any future children. All we do in the toughest of times is get by hour by hour and day by day. Like Kew says the elephant is eaten in tiny bite at a time.
If you relinquish there are no guarantees. Your child may grow up happy and never contact you, may grow up angry and never forgive you, may grow up happy and you could have great future contact. This uncertainty is huge.
You must be honest, it is massively damaging for any child to discover as an older child or adult that their mum had another child who was adopted out of the family so you have to bring your children up knowing about this. They have rights to and can ask for contact via ss once they are 18. It is easier when they are young and think it a usual situation but actually it is incredibly rare and they may struggle to process it later. They may wonder about your commitment to them also. They may share this info with others who you wish didn't know.
The trend in how people feel about relinquishing is that later they regret it. If you look at America where it happens more there are so many sites full of mothers who wished they had never gone through with the adoption. In research adoption is found to be much more damaging to mothers than abortion though of course this may not apply for everyone. What most people find is it gets harder, at the moment you are worried about so many others and feel out of control and can't see how you can meet the needs of another. Later you will all be more stable and you will grieve for your toddler, your child, your teen, your adult, for the lost sibling relationships ...
There is help put there for you, housing help, church help, family support, free child care. There is a lot and if you are in no state to access it get support via your local childrens centre, your gp and anyone else you can think of.
I sound negative and I am really, giving a child up creates a livid scar in a family and whilst it may yet be the right thing for all of you it won't be an easier option. Your baby has simple and fairly easily met needs at the moment, you and your family may be strengthened by the nurturing.
I wish you comfort and support. Take care