newborn adoption

[BrightSunshineyDay]

I gave birth yesterday and immediately relinquished responsibility. I have so much going round in my head right now that I hope no-one minds if I blurt it out here.
I will be speaking with social workers tomorrow so I want to think of as many questions as possible. I know without a doubt I am doing the right thing. He will go to a foster family for a few weeks until new parents are found (I was in denial about the pregnancy until only a couple ofdays ago)
How quickly will he be found a new family? Will the new family be in my local area? Should I write him a letter explaining my life circumstances and his birth story? Should I get him a keepsake? Is letterbox contact the best thing for him and his new family? Thats all I want. What is best for him. I want to do whatever is best so he can grow up not feeling abandoned or deserted. I want him to know I love him but I want him to have the best life possible.
Please tell me there are parents/a parent out there who are just about to receive into their life the most perfect beautiful boy, and they will be kind and loving and settled.
Sorry for the brain dump - I've been awake for hours and this is all going round in my head.

[fasparent]

If you have any problems regards legal positions suggest you contact Coram on 08088 020 008 Children's and family's legal services any problems with ss or sw tell them you are seeking legal advice, surprise how they jump at suggestion's.
Coram is allso the lead in adoption advice service. Would do no harm to ask advice on anything, SW and SS should be at your beckoning call at the moment , if you need too contact them and can not, ask for Team Manager or too speak too a manager .

[MerryInthechelseahotel]

bright I have no words except to reassure you will be listened to and supported. Try them again. Maybe express to keep your options open but the important thing is you reach the decision that is right for you xx

[BrightSunshineyDay]

I wish my mum was here. Sounds childish but I do. She was a sw who worked with older children in care. She would often bring home a child to join us for christmas or days out. She was a single parent in the 60s and completed her nurse training going against her family's advice and support. She would be so disappointed with what I've done but she would still have gathered us all up and supported me and all 4 dc. I wish I had half the sttength she had

[Hels20]

I remember once someone telling me how I was the best judge of what I could cope with...and i think that is v true.

I wonder if part of your initial desire to relinquish your child was because of the circumstances of his birth - denying you were pregnant, the fact the father is not your husband. There must be a whole range of emotions you are facing. Keep in contact with SS and I would also suggest visiting your DS over the next few days and weeks to help you reach your decision.

[Hels20]

Oh Bright. I am sure you have her strength...it might just be on holiday for a few weeks whilst you come to terms with all of this.

If you are having any second thoughts and might want to keep the baby, tell the SW, tell them you need time. You have time.

xx

[Catticals]

Hey brights,

Am so sorry this is all so hard for you:(
Here are my thoughts as someone who did relinquish a baby...

Firstly if you were in denial about the pregnancy you are in no fit state to make this decision. Go slowly and with eyes open. At times of stress it is easy to make a decision and stick to it blindly as you don't have the capacity to be flexible or resourceful so a repetitive mantra seems soothing.

Speak to After Adoption - they will share accurate info and listen to YOU. They are very very good.

Get a pump and keep up your milk supply, ring nct/LLL who can help with hire of a good pump. Do this whilst you make your decision as you don't want to come end up reunited and not bf if this suited you before.


your sw has been shit already, this isn't unusual as you are not her concern the baby is. They are stretched and some are just crap....

You can see your baby, you can have your baby returned. You have met the needs of your current children and can meet the needs of any future children. All we do in the toughest of times is get by hour by hour and day by day. Like Kew says the elephant is eaten in tiny bite at a time.

If you relinquish there are no guarantees. Your child may grow up happy and never contact you, may grow up angry and never forgive you, may grow up happy and you could have great future contact. This uncertainty is huge.

You must be honest, it is massively damaging for any child to discover as an older child or adult that their mum had another child who was adopted out of the family so you have to bring your children up knowing about this. They have rights to and can ask for contact via ss once they are 18. It is easier when they are young and think it a usual situation but actually it is incredibly rare and they may struggle to process it later. They may wonder about your commitment to them also. They may share this info with others who you wish didn't know.

The trend in how people feel about relinquishing is that later they regret it. If you look at America where it happens more there are so many sites full of mothers who wished they had never gone through with the adoption. In research adoption is found to be much more damaging to mothers than abortion though of course this may not apply for everyone. What most people find is it gets harder, at the moment you are worried about so many others and feel out of control and can't see how you can meet the needs of another. Later you will all be more stable and you will grieve for your toddler, your child, your teen, your adult, for the lost sibling relationships ...

There is help put there for you, housing help, church help, family support, free child care. There is a lot and if you are in no state to access it get support via your local childrens centre, your gp and anyone else you can think of.

I sound negative and I am really, giving a child up creates a livid scar in a family and whilst it may yet be the right thing for all of you it won't be an easier option. Your baby has simple and fairly easily met needs at the moment, you and your family may be strengthened by the nurturing.

I wish you comfort and support. Take care

[FamiliesShareGerms]

I think you are completely entitled to keep pushing to see your baby.

You might need to express a little anyway as your milk comes in?

You know how social security is supposed to be a safety net? You need to use that safety net now. Have you exhausted all your options getting help other than staying with your dad? Can your lovely friend go with you to CAB or someone who can help go through your options (with and without a newborn, maybe?)

[BrightSunshineyDay]

No I haven't pushed re finding out about housing and financial support. I felt so let down by everyone when h was ill. I was asking for help daily, tge only advice I got was not to leave the dc alone with him but there was nothing further they could do as they delt he was behaving that way (he was a mh nurse) even when he assaulted me infront of my then 3 yr old they said there were no grounds to remove him and the police were no help. I have lost faith in everyone. H was finally sectioned after telling a doctor that he could strangle me and I would never die and that dc could play with knives and play on the motorway and not come to harmbecause children are never hurt. Honestly writing that I could laugh because it Iis so farcical and I wouldn't believe It if I hadn't lived it. H still managed to appeal against his sectioning after 10 days and was successful. There was nobody there for us when h wentIinto hospital, I wish I had reached out for help then, but I'd lost faith in them .
I've completely outed myself now to anyone who might know me but I'm beyond caring about that.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Sorry, thankyou catticals. That is helpful and lots of what has gone thru my head re my other dc.
Thankyou again everyone.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Sorry for the emotional vomit up there.

[Catticals]

Glad it was ok to read.

You know if you have never needed support until a crisis you don't get any, you don't know how it works, people who could help don't realise you don't know how to work the system. So many live life's that have never been sorted like yours was. Don't underestimate your capability in coming through a series of absolute shitstorms. Don't underestimate your importance as a parent either.

[Catticals]

You will only get a sympathetic back rub here, let it out if it helps.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Thankyou. I just want the dc to be ok. Yes and me to be ok too, selfish as that sounds. We've felt so unsafe for so long and its only now, now that we are in a different house, that I realise how awful our lives were.
The ridiculous thing is, I have supported friends and taken them to womens aid, solicitors, given advice on Relationships on MN yet I have allowed my dc and me to get to this point. How I can I ever forgive myself for looking out for strangers and at tge sane time messing up my own dc lives?

[BrightSunshineyDay]

What you say about people living unsorted lives is so true. If you met me you would be amazed. I volunteer at my dcs clubs, help friends out, always smiling glass half full type person - to the outside world at least. And nobody guessed. Ds was born saturday, sunday I was out and about with activities for the kids all smiling and sociable. Thats messed up isn't it?

[Catticals]

You haven't messed up. You looked out for others when you had the capacity to. We all do what we can when we can. You can't plan for the stuff you went through, seeing that it got bad helps you aim high again.

You don't need to forgive yourself, you treat yourself with the same generosity that you have shown to others. Remember the good stuff you do there will be lots. Be angry at the unimaginable difficulties, be angry at those that didn't help, be furious and demand what you deserve.

[Catticals]

Yup it's messed up but it's coping, it's putting yourself to the back and everyone else to the front. To make your family sound you have to be at the front too.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Thankyou. Its been nearly 2 hours since second message was left for sw. I'm not going to hear from them today am I?

[HappySunflower]

Have you called the health visitor? They might be able to contact them as well.
I'd call again and keep leaving messages. Hopefully someone can get hold of the right person for you.

[Catticals]

Call again, get a friend to call, get your gp to call, call to he duty team...keep going. Even if you don't get contact today it pushes it up the list for tomorrow.

Am sending you a little pm

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Just spoken to hv. After my chat with her yesterday she asked the sw to call me so thats 3 messages left and sw not got back to me. Hv not happy and apologetic, shes going to ring again and so am I.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

This sw, when I spoke to her on tuesday at the hospital, asked for the fathers name which I gave her and she said I should tell him. So I did that night. He then rang a local ss number managed to find out who she was, she called him back and confirmed he could visit ds all within a couple of hours and without speaking to me at all. Why isn't anyone calling me back?

[Hels20]

Keep trying Bright. At least you have HV batting for you too.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Ds father was very kind and supportive when I told him. But she didn't know that when she gave out all the info. I'm irrelevant now aren't I?

[Hels20]

Not sure I understand your last post, Bright. Have you told your DC4's father? Why do you think you are irrelevant?

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Yes I told father of ds4 on tuesday.