newborn adoption

[BrightSunshineyDay]

I gave birth yesterday and immediately relinquished responsibility. I have so much going round in my head right now that I hope no-one minds if I blurt it out here.
I will be speaking with social workers tomorrow so I want to think of as many questions as possible. I know without a doubt I am doing the right thing. He will go to a foster family for a few weeks until new parents are found (I was in denial about the pregnancy until only a couple ofdays ago)
How quickly will he be found a new family? Will the new family be in my local area? Should I write him a letter explaining my life circumstances and his birth story? Should I get him a keepsake? Is letterbox contact the best thing for him and his new family? Thats all I want. What is best for him. I want to do whatever is best so he can grow up not feeling abandoned or deserted. I want him to know I love him but I want him to have the best life possible.
Please tell me there are parents/a parent out there who are just about to receive into their life the most perfect beautiful boy, and they will be kind and loving and settled.
Sorry for the brain dump - I've been awake for hours and this is all going round in my head.

[golemmings]

Bright my heart goes out to you.
I was adopted from birth. I recently accessed my file and discovered my natural mother was in a similar place to you. She didn't want to give me up but thought doing so was the best option for me. My birth father was never named; I doubt he knew she was pregnant.

It must have been hard for my parents since there was uncertainty about my adoption right up until the hearing.

I arrived with nothing from her but a vest. I keepsake or letter would have been lovely but it wasn't the done thing 40 years ago.

I always knew I was adopted and have always loved my birth mother for doing what she thought was best for me. Now that I have children of my own I appreciate just what a big thing she did for me.

I knew most of my story although looking at my file I found physical descriptions of her and my father which explains some of my features and was one of the highlights for me.
I would love her to know that I'm shorter than her, have my father's hair, have just started teaching my daughter one of her hobbies and I had a fabulous and stable childhood with great parents and I'm generally pretty content with my life. She gave me that; I think of her every day and I love her. Lots. I am so grateful to her for everything in my life.

bright, I wish you peace and happines what ever you decide to do.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Ds1 dad died suddenly 3 years ago, dc2 & 3 have experienced the nightmare we went through before and since dh was sectioned, now we are homeless and I've barely coped the last 18months. Hard as it may be to believe 2 years ago I was a great mum and had a handle on everything. Now I feel I am barely surviving. How can I bring my ds into this chaos?

[marriednotdead]

I now understand why you say 'how can I bring my DS into this chaos?' However, I will gently object to you claiming to no longer being a great mum. You're making the most gut wrenching of decisions with pure love for all of your DCs as your driving force, and that does not make you a bad mother.
Your story touches me for reasons I won't share here, and makes me full of admiration for you and even less impressed with someone in my world.
Please access counselling as soon as you're able, the stress and emotional pain you're in means you need all the support you can get.

((Hugs)) from me

[Hels20]

Thanks Bright for sharing a bit of your painful and personal history.

It is making my heart break. So many children are adopted because their parents fail them and allow them or are the perpetrators of abuse/neglect/violence etc. Your child would have such a different back story.

lilka is right when she sums up what a child needs. I don't want to pressure you but I just think as the birth mother - you are the best person to bring up the child, if you can. I get how completely overwhelmingly it all is. Does your husband know about the child? Is that one of the problems or are you separated from him in the legal sense?

I wish I could wave some sort of magic wand as it is so clear how much you love your child.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Oh I wish there was something I could do to actually help you all. Online seem pathetically inadequate.

I suspect adoption SW are just do unused to dealing with mothers who feel they can't cope rather than parents who aren't able to keep their children safe.

Are you sure your other children don't know they have a sibling?

[HappySunflower]

You could ask for contact with him. That would be a lovely thing for him now and in the future. It would also mean that you have the opportunity to explore your thoughts and feelings about it all a bit more.
You say that you are homeless, where are you living now? Social services have nomination rights when it comes to housing. That means that they should be able to prioritise you for rehousing.
Would that in itself be enough for you to feel able to have him back with you?

[Hels20]

That's a good idea, HappySunflower. Bright if you have any doubts, then I think the idea of having some sort of contact in these early weeks would be a good idea.

It sounds like you are almost suffering from Post traumatic distress. Do you have any family you could confide in who could help you and who may even agree to look after your baby for a short while whilst you ensure you are making the right decision. From your latest post, it sounds like you could be wavering.

[fasparent]

Go back too my post take everything slowly look at all options , will help you what ever course you decide, continue contact with baby at this stage , you will have control of the situation. and a say in the outcome. and support.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Thankyou all. You are being far kinder than I deserve. I am back from the school runs where I was smiley and chatty as normal. I feel like I'm living a double life
No my other dc don't know. I laboured quietly and delivered a few minutes after the mw arrived. Dc were downstairs and my friend arrived quickly and took themback to hers. They think I had food poisoning. How could I have done that? I put my baby at risk and am so lucky he is ok.
We are staying with my dad but he doesn't have the room for us to stay for long. H doesn't know and we're not legally separated.
Everything seems such a mess. I've dropped all the balls the last 18months, finances are a mess, I've missed speech therapy for dc3 - it feels like my family was built on quick sand and now its all going.
My milk has come in and I have no ds here to feed. Its all wrong
I am going to call the sw and ask to see him.

[Kewcumber]

I really don't have the words to say how I feel at your obvious pain and confusion. You have so many individual issues to deal with that it must feel totally overwhelming and difficult to know where to start.

However I must say that everyone is being exactly as kind as you deserve. I think you are so depressed about the situation you find yourself in that you are determined to take the blame and punish yourself. But for what? For doing the best you could in a situation that anyone would find a nightmare?

How do you eat an elephant? In very small bites. Take very small bites of one issue at a time and gradually you'll find you've eaten and elephant. Don't look at the whole elephant it makes things very daunting.

[PeterParkerSays]

Hand holding for you, whatever decision you decide to make.

Ask the SW about accommodation for your family as you're homeless. Take steps to get your little family back on track, then review your decision.

[Thumbwitch]

You poor love, what a traumatic situation for you to be in, and to have been in.

I have no advice but I think that you are being very brave to do what you're trying to do - but it would be equally brave to keep your baby in your circs, so either way, whether you keep him or let him go, you are one brave woman. Remember that. xx

[fasparent]

Believe me know how you feel , uncanny our FC is in the birth pool as I am writing this, She has great support not from ss . , from NHS Family Nurse Partnership, have helped with housing, her benefits, have been her rock, will stay with us for a few week's before living on her own will continue support for two years. Ask your ss worker too refer you for advice.

[Italiangreyhound]

BrightSunshineyDay I am so sorry, there are no real words to help you from me, as I cannot imagine what you have been through. I am so sorry. You absolutely do not sound cold and hard. You sound like someone who has absolutely been through the mill and I am amazed you can function at all.

Can I ask, who is helping you in real life aside from your dad and friend/s? I mean professional help. You said you are homeless, is anyone helping you from social services, your social worker?

I am sure it is hard to ask for help more but you need it.

I am thinking of you and just want to say please please do not be too hard on yourself, you have been through the unthinkable and you are still here and I hope and pray it will get better.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Thankyou. Not brave though. Just stupid. Stupid and irresponsible.
I'm scared to phone the sw incase she says I can't see him.
I feel as though my heart has been smashed. It was broken when my mum died when I was a teenager (this sounds like my life has been awful - It really hasn't) I think thats why I find it easy to detach from things - its like my heart was never put back together properly and now its smashed even more. That sounds really wanky I know but its the only way I can explain how I feel.
I've chosen crsp dad after crap dad but I have somehow ended up with lovely normal, pita sometimes, good kids. What if my luck has run out and all this wrecks my dc including dc4?

[BrightSunshineyDay]

And now I'm crying, bleeding and milking all at once. Thankyou for listening to me ramble on. It helps to write it down.

[Hels20]

Bright please go to the doctors and try and get referred for urgent counselling - not just relating to the birth of your DC4 but for everything you have going on in your life.

Please don't make any rash decisions. Kew's advice is pretty good...maybe you just need major handholding for the next year or so and then you will be able to get back on your feet - including with your DC4.

The SW will not stop you seeing your baby...I don't think they can. They might do it in a supervised setting but you will be able to see your little boy. And I expect they will be expecting you to make that call.

We are here to support you in whatever decision you reach. But please don't rush a decision. Remember that a baby and a child need love and someone to look after them - and that doesn't mean financially.

Please also look at similar birth mum's who have struggled with keeping babies - there are other threads...like this one

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Thanks for the link. I'm now sobbing. All i want is the best for my dc. All 4 of them. Deep breath, I'm going to ring the sw now.
My hv has put in an urgent referral for counselling for me. I have been completely honest with them and regardless of what happens with my ds I know I need help and guidance. Ok. Deep breath.

[HappySunflower]

Bright, I must disagree with you on one point.
People don't just end up with lovely, good kids. They just don't. Parenting is hard work. Kids are challenging. You hav clearly done an awful lot really very well if your children are doing well.

I hope you've made that call and that you've managed to speak to the sw.
I am keeping everything crossed for you and sending you some love xxx

[marriednotdead]

I don't have any sage advice but just want you to know that I care, along with everyone else here. I'm here hugging you as best as my PC will allow

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Thnkyou. Thanlyou so much.
I phoned 2 hours ago but had to leave a message. When should I call again? The same woman didn't call me when she said she would on tuesday to let me know the foster family had collected him. I had to phone the hospital to find out. She finally called me weds afternoon. She also told me the name of the foster carer and village where ds was going to. I told my hv all this yesterday because I felt I had been just discarded but wasn't sure if it was just my hormones. Maybe the hv has spoken to sw? Should I phone hv instead? Sorry for ramblinh but I feel as thpugh I should be doing something.

[Kewcumber]

I would phone HV as well, it can't hurt and you'll feel like you're doing something.

I hope someone gets back to you today, I can imagine how unsettled you must be feeling.

[Hels20]

Phone again - I would phone every hour. Any vaguely reasonable SW will understand. Would you want to consider breast feeding baby? If so, say that. (Even if you do end up continuing with relinquishment I think it will be good for DS to know that you breast fed - shows an action of love rather than just words.)

Hand holding, still. For what it is worth as I have never been in anything even remotely similar to your situation.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Thankyou. Thankyou so much all of you.
I have spoken to ss and they are sending her another text this time marked as urgent so the whole team will receive the message so hopefully someone will call me back today.
I would love to bf. A couple of years ago I was your ultimate babywearing, co sleeping, extended bf'in mum. How life can change eh? Now my baby is 20miles awau at my request and he doesn't know who I am I have half thought about expressing to keep up my supply but what if I'm really not enough for my ds? I'm not sure I can go thru stopping expressing when mymilk will dry up soon anyway. I don't know.

[Branleuse]

i think ypu need to get your baby. There will be support out there you can access