newborn adoption

[BrightSunshineyDay]

I gave birth yesterday and immediately relinquished responsibility. I have so much going round in my head right now that I hope no-one minds if I blurt it out here.
I will be speaking with social workers tomorrow so I want to think of as many questions as possible. I know without a doubt I am doing the right thing. He will go to a foster family for a few weeks until new parents are found (I was in denial about the pregnancy until only a couple ofdays ago)
How quickly will he be found a new family? Will the new family be in my local area? Should I write him a letter explaining my life circumstances and his birth story? Should I get him a keepsake? Is letterbox contact the best thing for him and his new family? Thats all I want. What is best for him. I want to do whatever is best so he can grow up not feeling abandoned or deserted. I want him to know I love him but I want him to have the best life possible.
Please tell me there are parents/a parent out there who are just about to receive into their life the most perfect beautiful boy, and they will be kind and loving and settled.
Sorry for the brain dump - I've been awake for hours and this is all going round in my head.

[JaneParker]

Hard decisions although I don't think a mother should have the right to ensure a child's father is not given the chance to adopt. Social services can assess if the father is suitable but that father or his parents or his siblings surely ought to have priority to adopt rather than people not family members.

[Lilka]

Hello bright. I am sorry you are in this position now, it must be incredibly difficult for you.

I hope the legal process has been explained to you - the 6 weeks wait before you can sign anything and what happens next? I also so hope you are being supported by people around you at this time.

I would say that adoption is not something to plough ahead with if you have doubts. If you don't have doubts, that's fine, but because adoption is so final, it's infinitely better to wait and go slower than have regrets later. If you do change your mind - then that's absolutely fine. You have absolutely very right to parent your own son, so don't feel guilty if you do realise that parenting is the right road for you. We adoptive parents (or me certainly) would want to be sure that adoption was the right thing for our children, and be sure that their birth mother/family definitely couldn't keep them. We wouldn't want to be seperating a mother and child if there was another way.

I don't know how long it will take to find him a family, but small babies are usually easy to place. If he is a healthy boy, I am sure they will find someone pretty quickly. If he has any disabilities or health issues, it may take longer though. It will take a little while after they ar found for him to move in with them, so it will be a few months before he leaves his foster family.

The social workers will be looking firstly at adoptive families their council has approved to adopt, so it is very likely that your baby will be placed with a family who either live in your county, or, if your county is a small one, in a neighbouring county to you. If a child is easy to place, they are usually found a home in their area of the country.

I think writing him a letter is a really good idea, and giving him keepsakes. He might find them very helpful when he is older, as many adopted children have quesions about their early lives and why they were adopted. And I, as an adoptive mum, I really really appreciate my kids having things from their early lives, even just photographs. That part of their lives will always exist, and it doesn't feel quite right to me when you have nothing to show that it ever happened.

No one can guaruntee that your son won't have feelings of being abandonned at some. I'm not trying to be harsh, just fully answer your questions. Children go through all sorts of emotions when they are growing up and thinking about their adoption, and it's normal to have harder times with it. But having things like keepsakes, or letterbox, that might help a lot as he grows even older, with him feeling like you wanted the best for him and that's why you made the decisions you did.

Letterbox, if you are able to do it, then although it is hard emotionally, I personally think it's a good idea and might be very helpful to your son - you can answer any of his questions, and keeping the family updated on what's going on in your life (including any important medical information as it comes up) might also be very helpful to your son later on.

We also can't make guaruntees about what his adoptive parents will be like or that they will be amazing - I can only guaruntee that they will be human! With their good points and flaws like any other human, and they may go through difficult times like most of us do at points. But I can say that nearly every adoptive family I've ever met or spoken to, personally or online, we absolutely adore and cherish our children, and we try our very best for our kids, to parent right and be what they need.

Again, I so hope you are being supported, and many to you. I wish you and your little boy all the best

[fasparent]

Are working with parents in your position some baby's are placed with us , some after a few months are reunited with BP, we go daily too parents home with support of special trained agency for as long as it takes, for parent and child too feel confident and secure. The community nursing services also work with us NHS Family Nurse Partnership, They help First - Time Parents too Succeed will stay with you for 3 years or so with regular weekly visits often more will help with housing , befits, Health and social issues etc.. Would enquire with the sw of these services , many a sw will not be aware what support is available due too relinquishment being a rare issue these day's.
You would not be alone.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Thankyou for all your responses.
I don't have any doubts that this is the right decision. I have other dc and we have all been to hell and back the last 3 years. We are only just starting to piece ourselves back together. This is the best decision for the baby.
Thankyou all again, I really appreciate you taking tge time to reply.

[aprilanne]

i think at you have to wait six months before it is official.because you can take him back at any point up to then .you may change your mind because you will be feeling emotional at this time i hope you have support be kind to yourself x

[RhinosAreFatUnicorns]

Hello Bright. I don't have any advice to add to the excellent points made by others, but I just wanted to send you a hug. What a difficult situation to be in. There are never any certainties but as adoptive parents we go through a rigourous process to make sure the match is as successful as possible.

[Ilikesweetpeas]

Hello Bright, I don't have advise for you but wanted to say that I hope you are ok and getting some support. I have close friends who have adopted and am sure there is a family out there who will welcome your precious baby and give him a great home.

[fasparent]

Even though if you still wish for baby too be adopted you can still take the pathway as explained, the option will be open for 6 months or so, even too meeting new adoptive parents, this would give you the moral
support and satisfaction of your decision , which ever outcome you eventually decide .

[Italiangreyhound]

Hello Bright I am so sorry for your situation. I hope you will find peace with this if it really is the best thing for your baby.

I agree with all the good advice. Yes, photos, lots, letters, yes, a keepsake, personally I would go for something very simple he can keep into adulthood, like a small wooden train or a money box etc the type of gift one might give at a Christening, something that will not get used (like clothes) or spoil. Personally, I would get that and a fluffy soft toy.

I have heard of a case where the birth mother dis not declare the birth father but he later found out about the birth, felt he wanted to adopt (or a family member might) and challenged the placement. So it is best (IMHO) to tell social services who the father is.

Thinking of you at this time and hoping you have very good real life support.

[Italiangreyhound]

sorry - I said of birth father ... felt he wanted to adopt I meant felt he could care for the child.

[buggerboooo]

I hope this decision, if right for you, brings you peace and reassurance x

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Thankyou for the ideas re keepsakes and letters.
With regards to his dad I would be amazed if he was deemed suitable to raise him though I know thats not my call to make. But yes I will give his name to the sw so my baby can grow up with full medical history, photos etc. The father doesn't know. should I call him and explain the situation? Or let ss do it? Any advice welcome please. My sole aim is to do tge right thing for my baby where I am not able to.

[Greythorne]

Sorry you are in this difficult situation.

You sound very lucid right now but don't underestimate the turmoil you are in. Hormones after giving birth are strange things.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

I've just read through this thread and thought I soundedvery cold and hard. I'm really not. But this Iis all about what is best, firstly for my baby, also my dc and yes, lastly for me as selfish as that sounds. I know my hormones are all over the place so whilst I am definite this is the right thing I think it is good that it can't happen immediately because of course I want to make sure I have considered all options.

[Kewcumber]

I don't think you sound cold or hard at all - you sound like someone who has thought this through a lot and is convinced of their decision. I don't get the feeling that this is a decision you've made on the spur of the moment after the birth. And the fact that you feel this is the right decision for your baby doesn't mean that it isn't also the right decision for your other children and for you.

As long as you appreciate that you can change your mind at any point until the point of no return and don't feel pressurised once you've started along this path.

As Lilka said none of us adoptive parents would want any child relinquished just because their parent felt they weren't able the change their mind.

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Thankyou Kewcumber. I have to be honest and say I followed your story/experience with your son (been on mn a long time but nc a lot) though I never thought I would be on the other side of the experience. No this isn't a spur of the moment decision. I know what me and my dc have had to cope with the last few years and I don't believe I am the right/best person to raise my son. He deserves more. My dc deserve to have me focus on them 100% whilst they heal and yes, I deserve to be the most mentally fit I can be. That is the order when I am making these decisions.

[HappySunflower]

It does sound as though you really have thought things through, and are doing your very best, in a difficult situation, all things considered. Its so clear that you want to do the right thing for everybody.

Regarding your baby's Father- it might be better to hear the news directly from you, rather than from a social worker, but you will know best in terms of how that should be approached, so I would trust your instincts.

[MerryInthechelseahotel]

You sound not cold and hard but caring for your beautiful baby and very very brave

I know you are thinking of him. That is what I want. What is best for him but you are allowed to include yourself in this and think what is best for you, too.

[MerryInthechelseahotel]

Xpost op, you have obviously thought this through. Disregard my last sentence but not the first one!

[Nonnimouse]

Hello Bright, and congratulations on the birth of your baby... I don't have much to add to what was said above, but firstly I wanted to wish you all the best in this hard decisions you are making, and secondly, I wanted to say that my adopted son was a relinquished baby (adopted 4 years ago.) If there is anything you would find helpful to know from the point of view of the adopters, I would be happy to answer your questions!

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Thankyou for your messages. I said goodbye to him on Tuesday when he went to his foster family. My heart is broken and I ache for him. I don't know what to do. I want tge best for him but I also want him with me. Maybe it is just my hormones? What have I done? I don't know what to do for the best.

[HappySunflower]

I am just about to head off to bed, but couldn't read and not respond.

I can't help but feel that maybe you need to consider that possibly being with you IS what's best for him. It sounds as though you love him and deep down that you want him with you.
Could you have a think about what you would need to be different in your life for it to be possible for him to stay with you?

I can only begin to imagine how hard this is for you and really hope that you have good friends to support you. Please keep posting if its helping you to have a space to offload x

[MerryInthechelseahotel]

Oh bright it won't be easy either way by the sounds of it. I hope you come to the decision you will be happy with long term. We are here if you want to talk

[Lilka]

Babies don't need two parents, or wealth, or lots of toys, or (insert more here). Adoption brings up a lot of issues to potentially deal with - losing your birth mum and being raised by others can be emotionally very difficult at times. It's also no guaruntee of an amazing life, however materially well off etc, the adoptive parents are

If you can give your baby love and safe loving care...that's what the baby needs. Then think about what you want. Don't underestimate what the safe loving care of a birth mum means. I also still think adoption is not something someone should go into with doubts

That said, I'm not trying to pressure you into doing something. This is my personal opinion, but you have to do what feels right/best for you, whether that is parenting or adoption

at this very difficult time xx

[BrightSunshineyDay]

Thankyou both. I've been keeping myself busy with my other dc and been doing the happy smiley mum but I feel broken. Its not about me though, its about what is best for DS.I don't know what to do for the best. Not overly impressed with the sw support so far.
Only 1 friend knows what has happened. She has been great but otherwise my day to day life has carried on as per normal.