Boyfriend has really hurt me

[ThisHappysadgirl]

So relationship for 18 months. Normally see each other 3 nights a week. Had planned a weekend together just local days out. Long weekend so lovely day out today. Had planned a walk for tomorrow but he cancelled tonight to do his regular hobby. We went to bed at his and I have just left without waking him up. So upset

Some of these responses are simply odd, someone early on even asked if you were safe, like you were unsafe as the dude wanted to spend a few hours at his hobby

couldn’t you see him before like he asked and then after, do something yourself? I’m not sure I get the angst.

Wow, calm down.

You forgot to add "dear".

You also forgot to read the OP's actual posts.

Or possibly you have very low standards for men.

Lot of drip feeding here.

someone early on even asked if you were safe,
I took that to mean did OP get home safe at 2.30 am, not is she safe with him. I presume she got a taxi or something.

They are her feelings. Why do you think you have a better view of whether they are hurt or not?

He may not have gone out of his way to cause her pain, but her feelings didn't appear to figure anywhere in his decision making process. Or if they were. they were discounted. Which in itself is quite painful, given this is someone she's shared a bed with for 18 months.

I am happy to bet folding money that nothing changes. Which is more of a shame for him really. I don't think you will walk away because his crime isnt this, its being in a relationship without being in the relationship which you have accepted thus far. I personally think you will enjoy the attention, feel a bit sorry for yourself and wait for him to reassure you and then its all ok until the next time he acts like someone with a FWB because thats what he thinks it is.

She wasnt posting on mumsnet from a kidnappers car so presumably she was safe.

He doesn't give a fuck about you. You're something to in-between football matches or games of Warhammer or whatever.

Find someone who wants to spend time with you.

I think this is really sad. He spends Friday night with you, cancels plans that meant you’d spend time together and then expects you to be round at 8pm.
You’re worth more than that. Find someone who actually wants to spend time with you and doesn’t cancel for what he obviously considers “a better offer”.

It’s true. I’ve been here , It took a few disappointments before I realised that I was always going to come last before whatever it was he wanted to do, special occasions came and went with him off elsewhere with different people, things he planned without me, even on my birthdays and
after we’d discussed it and he promised to do better next time etc, it was soul destroying, get out now is your best bet

And that’s fine for you. But shit advice to give to someone who wants to spend more time with their partner.

Not what I’d call a close marriage but each to their own.

If someone came on and said they wanted a relationship where they hardly saw their partner for more than three shags nights a week then I wouldn’t question it. No worries. But it doesn’t suit the OP and it wouldn’t suit me either.

She left her boyfriend's place alone at 2am. I was awake at 2am and saw the initial post and was wondering whether she was posting while waiting alone in the dark for a taxi or night bus, and vulnerable. Your "Christ Almighty" at 8am on a nice sunny morning shows a startling lack of empathy for how an upset young woman at 2am some 30 hours ago might not have been very safe at the time.

It would be interesting knowing your ages.

Just wondering if the penny hasn't dropped for him yet that if you want relationships to work that both people have to put the effort in.

My now DH was pretty flaky early on.
I am pretty low maintenance but was getting pissed off with his behaviour. We had a chat about what he thought 'boyfriend / girlfriend' relationships looked like.
He essentially described a 'friends with benefits' situation - no official dates, just good times if we happened to see each other on a night out.
I told him very clearly that I wasn't up for this arrangement and we should break it off. We reconciled a few months later when he realized he did like me very much and his behaviour changed.

He is very upset it is over on reflection I have fought for time etc all the way through

Have you broken it off or steeling yourself for that?

Maybe he will take you seriously now although he might be too late

Do you go out and about as a couple when you do see him, or is it all about being at home and the physical with maybe an evening at the pub or something? Because there’s a difference between evenings and spending quality daylight hours together doing more than being at home, and I think that’s what might be ringing alarm bells for you.

I think you’re right - he sounds checked out but still wants the physical benefits. Sorry OP but you should be proud of that self-respect you have 💖 You’ll be fine.

Just watch out for the ‘I’ll change’ speech, they change for all of 5 minutes then back to their ways.

At the end of the day, it’s not selfish for him to prioritise his hobby over you, but equally it’s not wrong for you to want to be with someone who values you more…if you guys don’t have a balance that’s ok, you will both find new people.

Sorry that you’re sad though 💐

His upset is about the convenience your relationship was on his time, on his schedule.

He may indeed be very upset.
You accepted crumbs for a long time and that really suited him.
He's disappointed that you have pushed back.

You were the good enough for now girl, and that really suited him.

Men do this all the time, right up to moving in with women because it suits them.

I have a 26 year old son.

One of his very social friends has moved out of home, post university and grad programme, into his first well located little two bed nice apartment in a city with his 2 year girlfriend.
They are sharing costs.
He had zero interest in a shared messy house with 3 or 4 lads.

This girlfriend is really nice my son said but he's not very serious about her.

So she's moving in with him, and he's using her as a housemate.
Awful. But it happens.

As you can imagine I have told my two daughters about this.
Screw being used like that.

Tend to just stay in when I see him unless his friends are doing something. It was getting boring so I think very right to end it

Yeh you can’t put up with this. I wouldn’t tolerate it from a friend let alone a partner. It’s irrelevant whether you are ‘needy’ or ‘asking too muvh’ as some posters have said (you aren’t). He made plans then cancelled last minute for non emergency reasons. And he’s done it before. You have already had the conversation with him about it and he agreed not to do it again. Now he has. You did the right thing leaving. It’s exactly what I would do. When he contacts I would be as cold as ice and just say something like, ‘we already had the conversation about not cancelling on me and how it made me feel and how that is a boundary of mine. You ignored that. You ignored my boundary. I have no interest in being with someone who ignores my boundaries. It’s over’. Then end it and mean it. Don’t get into it any more than that. You deserve better.

im 52 btw so not ‘immature’. Walking away with no drama was a classy move in my view. Remain stoic now. This guy is testing you. Make him regret it.

Honestly, if he does come back to you, I would explain diddly shit to him.

I would say "Sorry I was just really bored, no hard feelings, good luck".

Fxxk him.
That's what I would advise my daughters to do anyway.

Agree with above. Problem is if he grovels now and says he will change, if it were me, I would always be thinking he really didn't want to be spending time with me - he would rather be somewhere else - but he was doing it under duress. You don't want that. You want a guy who is looking forward to spending time with you, and keeping his word because HE WANTS TO. Its really not hard to find.