Boyfriend has really hurt me

[ThisHappysadgirl]

So relationship for 18 months. Normally see each other 3 nights a week. Had planned a weekend together just local days out. Long weekend so lovely day out today. Had planned a walk for tomorrow but he cancelled tonight to do his regular hobby. We went to bed at his and I have just left without waking him up. So upset

Seems like a bit of an overreaction to me. Is his hobby something like playing football/rugby where his team are relying on him? If so, could you not have gone to watch and then spent the rest of the day together?

It's good to have boundaries of self-respect. Well done.
Are you safe at your own place now?

It's difficult to know from your OP whether he's just a bit selfish amd immature and didn't think things through properly - possibly didn't realise he'd double-booked plans for the weekend - or whether this is part of a more sinister mind-came to keep you insecure. Either way, you don't have to take it.

It sounds like he spends a lot of time with you. Is he spending the rest of the weekend with you still? It is important in a relationship to keep up individual hobbies and friendships. Did he cancel something specific or just an evening?

My DH went out for a spontaneous lunch with a friend today. Good on him.

Just the cancelling at the last minute has really upset me. I said no to things because we had plans

it was a planned weekend together. We haven’t had one since July

I think you did the right thing by leaving. You had made plans for a weekend together - him telling you he was doing his hobby once your long weekend had started is not in

So where do I go from here. I’m not going to tell him what to do and want him to spend time with me

You are probably looking for advice in the wrong place, the age demographic here and the marital status will mean the advice you receive is much more dump him because he is a waste of space than work it out.

Look, only you know whether he is a waste of time, or are you being too sensitive? Just talk to him about it, no pouting or games, just talk about how it made you feel. You’ll be able to tell from whether he is receptive and whether he does it again, if you should be with him.

I do think though, if you are both under 25, that it is also a sign of low emotional maturity, it doesn’t mean he won’t be a good man, or you won’t stop sweating the small stuff, it just means you still need to work out how to be in real, solid relationships. If you are older then it is more likely a sign of the type of person he is.

The only way to work it out is to talk, trust your gut, listen to the red flags, demonstrate and stand by your boundaries, and don’t be with someone unless they improve your life. Hope you work it out.

i can understand why you are feeling upset. If you make plans and you allocated that time to do something with him and he cancelled that because he preferred to do something else at the last minute ,he doesnt value your time.
I think you should tell him how it feels disrespectful to you.
I think discussing how it made you feel would have been better than leaving without speaking about it.
If its a one off perhaps it can be resolves if you discuss it with him.
If its a pattern of behaviour thats a bigger problem.

Did you have a conversation with him around you being upset or you’ve just left? Would he know you’ve left because you’re upset he didn’t prioritise you and the plans you made or might he think he’s just going ahead with his plans and you are going on with yours (ie he isn’t aware of how you feel).

Is it possible you both had a different interpretation of the plan to spend the weekend together? You say you had a lovely day today, there’s no reason why you wouldn’t be having a lovely day tomorrow, and Sunday too. it sounds like he was home at a reasonable time and you spent the night together, Sonia it really that big a deal if he went out for a few hours to do his hobby?

Was there an actual plan for what you’d be doing tonight or did you assume that you’d be doing something together?

You say 'regular hobby'. Is that regular as in he does it every week on that night? Maybe he thought he'd spend the weekend with you but still go his hobby. You had all day so maybe he sees it as balance? Maybe you had different ideas what a weekend together meant?

Safe??? I suppose she could have been hit by the door on her way out

What did you say when he cancelled? Why have you not had a weekend together since July? Are the regular 3 nights not at the weekend?

You leaving has made the situation much more difficult to deal with. It’s okay for you to feel disappointed because the plan you had for the weekend has changed. It’s also okay for him to want to do his regular hobby.

if his hobby takes up the morning, just do something else. It doesn’t necessarily mean he’s rejecting you. How did he handle it? Saying he’s sorry, he forgot he’d agreed to do something else in the morning is different to him suddenly getting a better offer and treating you like his time is more valuable than yours.

So when you say cancelled tonight, do you mean you were already staying at his and he said that he was doing his hobby instead tomorrow?
what was he expecting you to do while he was doing that?
is this regular behaviour for him?

have you went home now?

I would normally say this was a knee jerk reaction and would probably have dealt with it properly in the morning, but if you’ve left then that is that.

I would probably wait and let him get in touch with you tomorrow and if he doesn’t then i guess that’s his answer.
how old are you both?

In all honesty I’d bin this off, it’s a new relationship and you’re young. This hobby will always come first, if he made plans with you then he should’ve stuck to them. You’ll always play second fiddle.
Have you not done anything together since July and why not? If it’s because of his hobby then he doesn’t have time for a relationship.
Make plans with friends going forward, he can either make a plan to see you or you’ll never see each other and it’ll fizzle out.

What’s the hobby, does it involve a team

It's difficult to know from your OP whether he's just a bit selfish amd immature and didn't think things through properly

Yet the OP walked out without telling or talking to him about this,
Not exacting Green Flag territory.

Am also not sure why you left rather than have a conversation with him about it. If he has form for this the is this the straw that broke the camel’s back?

I agree that leaving has made it a bigger issue. Unless you knew all along that he would do this.

How old are you OP? How old is your boyfriend?

I don’t think PP means safe from the boyfriend meaning he poses any risk, they mean safe at home as the OP had left at 2.30am alone and could have been walking home etc

Was the hobby for the entire day or part of the day? Do you feel like it wasn’t double booking, as in he had a prior commitment to the hobby but forgot when he agreed to three days of weekend with you? Or do you feel he got a better offer for hobby that came in after your plans and so he cancelled your walk? Was there any room to accommodate both the walk and the hobby? Is it reasonable to have an entire 3 day weekend doing everything together as not all personality types can handle that?

I would have had an honest conversation with him about it because it appears your reaction indicates there is more to the story that we don’t know.

What is his hobby?