Boyfriend has really hurt me

[ThisHappysadgirl]

So relationship for 18 months. Normally see each other 3 nights a week. Had planned a weekend together just local days out. Long weekend so lovely day out today. Had planned a walk for tomorrow but he cancelled tonight to do his regular hobby. We went to bed at his and I have just left without waking him up. So upset

Just because your standards are on the floor doesn’t mean everyone else’s should be.

I get why you’re upset OP. if he regularly prioritises other things at the weekend and this was a rare occasion when you were supposed to spend time just together then that’s selfish and uncaring of him to unilaterally cancel part of it at the last minute.

If you’re in a relationship generally the other person wants to spend time with you. And this relationship seems all on his terms. I get people saying you can’t dictate to your partner what they do, and that’s right. But if their choice is to only see you when they’re at a loose end then that says something about how little they value you. The only seeing you midweek evenings seems a bit like booty call territory.

It’s up to you but you’ve told him how it makes you feel and nothing has changed. It won’t change going forward. This wouldn’t be enough for me. If you married this man you’d always be down his list of priorities while he went off with his mates on his hobby or stag weekends or lads’ nights out.

I get why you’re annoyed but can you explain how this happened please?
When did he tell you about doing the hobby instead?
How did he explain his desire to change plans?
What did you say to him at the time? Did you wait till 2.30am to leave to make a point or were you lying awake and mulling it over and decided you were off?
At what point did he suggest breakfast?

Not enough information: How much time would this hobby take out of today?

If it’s park run or a regular 1-2 hr class or game (tennis, padel, badminton) or a short cycle ride then sounds unreasonable to have insisted on a completely exclusive long weekend seeing or doing nothing else but spending time with you when you see each other 3 nights a week. (Which is a lot if you are both working full time already - I couldn’t manage it!)

is this a “compromise” for him - short time for a regular hobby rather than usual all day Saturday? (1 game vs 3 games?)

You don’t sound compatible TBH - if I was already spending 3 nights a week with a partner and then they insisted I could no go for a park run, class or play a quick game of tennis on Sat morning because we have to be exclusively together all day Friday to Sunday I’d tell them they could take it or leave it!

Not that into you and / or incompatible. 18 months in he doesn’t want to see you at all almost every weekend, except for the Friday night.

His offering a full weekend, even before he changed his mind (again), wasn’t ‘special’ it was breadcrumbs.

Surely you want more than departing every Saturday at 8am? Sounds like a very one way relationship and he is very selfish. Find someone who wants to spend the weekends with you

You've been dating this person for 18 months, yet you don't see each other regularly at the weekend, because he's 'busy'! What you're effectively saying is 'my boyfriend prioritises other people/activities at a weekend, so fits me in when it suits him'!!

You both made plans to spend the weekend together, because you haven't since July! Instead he's decided he's going to meet friends and participate in his hobby.

Honestly, given that he's behaved like this before and you've spoken to him about it, and nothing has changed...end the relationship. Your boyfriend isn't interested in a serious relationship with you, his priorities are himself, friends and his hobby. He's happy to see you, when it suits him, but outside that, you aren't a priority to him.

Leaving in the early hours of the morning without telling him or at least having a conversation, wasn't the best way to handle the situation. I hope you have at least told him that you're at home and safe.

You need to think about what you want from a relationship and if this relationship is giving you what you need. In my opinion, it isn't. You both are viewing the relationship differently and so are your priorities. There's nothing wrong in that at all, you're just incompatible.

It's nothing to do with standards being on the floor, what a ridiculous comment. Some of us don't feel the need to be with our partners 24/7 and understand the value of doing something separately now and again. Presumably they could still enjoy the rest of the long weekend together, but they aren't joined at the hip.

It’s not going to work I’m not saying your wrong OP but that would be too needy for me so I’d be off
different people different expectations

18 months
Don't spend weekends together
This doesn't sound like a committed relationship to me. Move on @ThisHappysadgirl there are plenty more fish in the sea, nice fish who would prioritise you.

Didn’t see that she ‘insisted’ on it. It sounds like they agreed a plan - together - and he’s changed his mind in favour of doing a hobby with his friends. Depending how it all came about (agree lack of info) this isn’t necessarily the grind of the century but I don’t think she’s asking for the world either. I think the missing details are the decider. The fact she was hurt and left in the middle of the night suggests he potentially went about it in a thoughtless way, though can’t say for certain.

So it sounds like you aren't compatible. You want different things which is fine. I would want someone to spend their weekend with me too.

So he does this hobby most Saturdays & had agreed not to but then at the last minute said he was going to?

I can see why you're upset.

If he wanted to do that rather than a walk he should have said so in the first place.

So happy for you to cancel things but he won't.

He prioritises his hobby over time with you although he expects you to prioritise him over your own hobbies and plans if he’s available. This is how he thinks and acts - he’s made it very clear. Nothing you do will change that. It’s a question of whether you are happy to continue like this - you can’t change his behaviour remember, only your own.

So, for example, you could start prioritising your own hobbies and don’t cancel plans of your own. Or you could accept that you cancel plans and prioritise him and that he won’t. Or you choose to try a different relationship.

i think those are your three options?

But they had planned to spend the weekend together - something OP says hasn’t happened since July. Then he cancelled on her the night before to hang out with his friends.

That’s nothing to do with “understanding the value of doing things separately” - it’s having the self respect not to tolerate being ditched at the last minute because he had a better offer.

You don’t sound compatible. Dump him.

Absolutely this OP.

So he's not learned from experience? How old are you both? If under 30 then it might just be immaturity but you need to set the boundaries for what you are prepared to accept. Call it off, draw a line. It you keep accepting it it will keep happening.

Christ almighty

And 'are you safe at your own place now'

Whats that supposed to mean?

Then....this is who he is. You can ask him to change. Imo he won't. Make your choice

So was there no other time to do the walk today, after his hobby? Did you talk about it, you're not really giving a lot of information about how the conversation went

He sounds selfish.

You sound needy.

It's not the best combo.

It’s not like that though, is it?? It sounds like they usually spend plenty of time apart and she’s not expecting to be glued to his side 24/7, but just wanted the odd nice weekend together in and among. It’s a last minute cancellation of a weekend planned to be spent together in favour of a hobby that he usually does. It’s not like she expects every weekend together. She has just been shunted to second place to his hobby and breakfast with his friends.

It's not about the amount if time together, it's about the last-minute plan change.
That's the bit that relates to standards.

Also they are clearly not joined at the hip - it is September, the last weekend together was July.

Well, clearly he isn’t going to change so you must accept if you continue in the relationship that this will happen on a frequent basis. You have accepted it each time so far, why would he stop?
I think if you wish to remain with him, you should prioritise yourself, as he does, and say yes to anything to anything to do with friends and then leave him whatever crumbs are left - as he does with you. So e.g. agree to see him Friday night but cancel if an alternative offer from your girlfriends comes in. What will probably happen is your relationship naturally dies, as with both of you not prioritising it, you will not see each other enough. Please realise though, the reason it works now is because you are constantly accommodating him. Stop doing that. It’s not fair. Either he will change, because he does not see you enough and realises being on the receiving end of this behaviour is no fun, or more likely he will get angry when you behave as he does and then you will see the real him and reevaluate.