Boyfriend has really hurt me

[ThisHappysadgirl]

So relationship for 18 months. Normally see each other 3 nights a week. Had planned a weekend together just local days out. Long weekend so lovely day out today. Had planned a walk for tomorrow but he cancelled tonight to do his regular hobby. We went to bed at his and I have just left without waking him up. So upset

I’d say to him if we make plans I expect you to honour those plans unless an emergency comes up it’s not reasonable for you to mess me about. Do you see that as something you can do going forward or are we incompatible?
if he is honest and says his hobby is a priority then you know where you stand you either accept the being cancelled on or you break up.
If he’s willing to prioritise you then great but hold him to it.

“Jiggerypokesy · Today 07:23
I get why you’re upset OP. if he regularly prioritises other things at the weekend and this was a rare occasion when you were supposed to spend time just together then that’s selfish and uncaring of him to unilaterally cancel part of it at the last minute.
If you’re in a relationship generally the other person wants to spend time with you. And this relationship seems all on his terms. I get people saying you can’t dictate to your partner what they do, and that’s right. But if their choice is to only see you when they’re at a loose end then that says something about how little they value you. The only seeing you midweek evenings seems a bit like booty call territory.
It’s up to you but you’ve told him how it makes you feel and nothing has changed. It won’t change going forward. This wouldn’t be enough for me. If you married this man you’d always be down his list of priorities while he went off with his mates on his hobby or stag weekends or lads’ nights out.”

@Jiggerypokesy has nailed it. This with bells on. You don’t mention your ages but i think many people would find this set up unsatisfactory if they wanted a long-term commitment. What you describe makes you sound rather incidental in this relationship.

This is great advice.

Move on he will always be selfish and only care about himself. Your only 18months in get out before you waste years of your life.

@ThisHappysadgirl did he have sex with you then tell you he had plans the next day ?
Sounds like he’s not serious about you .
His whole weekend is prioritised around something else all the time and he doesn’t seem to want to give that time /place to you. .
I think you know how you’re going to be treated and now you have walked you should keep it that way . Things won’t change .

No to breakfast. What do you want from this relationship?

Making plans and changing them at the last minute for a hobby is not acceptable. He doesn't prioritise time you have arranged to spend together and doesn't respect you. Did you discuss why the plans changed or did he present it as something that was happening regardless.

Or the right place - large cohort of women with experience of marriage and failed marriages.

Part of that experience is knowing that a man who can't prioritise you over his "hobby" at least some of the time will sure as hell not do so once married. Not a single weekend since July is piss poor.

After 18 months the OP needs to decide if she wants marriage and the long term with someone who is already married to his hobby. If she doesn't want to spend her life playing spare to his hobbies then its time to move on and find someone whose priorities align with hers.

Yeah much better than a mature adult conversation.

So have you told him that you had said no to things yourself and that you don't like being let down at the last moment?

If this is habitual behaviour and he often drops you at short notice to do something else, then perhaps you need to reconsider the relationship

What is the bloody hobby? I need to know if it something they do for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning and then you have the rest of the day free or if it is something that ends up taking the full day. I'll tell you my Other Half's hobby - he LARPs. There you go. It really is very easy to just say the hobby.

Nah chuck this one back. That's not normal.

He is fitting you in around his life. Plans you make with him are cancelled because he wants to do the activities with his friends more. You are not his priority.

Are you going to meet for breakfast then?

I think it's a good opportunity to tell him that you expect him to stick to planned arrangements at the very least and that he has let you down and made you feel disposable and disregarded.
That you aren't trying to stop him doing his hobby at all, but you do expect that it you have planned things together that you are looking forward to that he prioritises you and your arrangement and you don't feel that's too much to ask. It's basic trust.

You don't have to be free and easy about it.
Obviously you can't force him to do anything, but you're disappointed that he clearly wasn't as bothered or interested in the plans you had both made as you were, and you don't expect to be made to feel like an afterthought or that you will be cancelled on for any 'better offer'.
If the better offer is actually just his normal hobby too, that says a lot about where he places you on his priority list.

Make sure he knows that you value and respect yourself and wont be messed about by anyone .

This sounds bizarre - the point that stands out for me is that after 18 months you generally spend no time together at weekends because he is “busy”? Agree with PPs that of course it’s healthy to have your own hobbies and interests but frankly most people would not be satisfied with this as a set up. Don’t most people in a relationship WANT to spend at least some time together at weekends because you have time to relax and enjoy things? So you work all week (I assume) then see him on a Friday night, then have to separate at 8am on Saturday morning (why so early? Is he stipulating that?). OP, I really can’t see that there is much for you in this relationship - unless you’ve missed out vital info such as you have childcare responsibilities or a job which means you can’t see him at the weekend anyway?

Look, you need to communicate with him.
Tell him you are pissed off that he is doing his hobby when you agreed that you would spend the weekend together.
Tell him you turned down other options so you could spend time together.
Tell him that it feels he prioritises his hobby every time.

See his reaction.
Is he listening and taking it onboard or is doubling down on his decision?

They have had the adult conversations previously when he has ditched plans with her for his hobby.

In that situation I'd be assuming he wasn't mature enough for an adult conversation and finding better fish in the sea.

He is "not that into you" as the saying goes. Harsh but probably true. OPs are always talking about hobbies but never say what they are. If not sport I can't think what else it could be. Have you seen him participate in the hobby?

I don't think he did anything wrong but to be fair, I'm also baffled that you prioritise him like you do (cancelling your own plans etc.). There is definitely a mismatch in priorities here but I actually think it is on your side. Just live your life and enjoy your relationship, your boyfriend doesn't have to come before and above everything else for you to be happy.

I don’t think it’s rocket science to understand a last minute change of plans is disappointing and frustrating for the other person, especially when it’s happened on more than one occasion and you’ve spoken about it. I think you break up with him. You can just say things are not working for you. If he says oh but is this about me going out, you can say you’re free to do as you like but for me I want someone who wants to stick to plans with me. We want different things and that’s fine.
Then see how he responds. My guess is he will tell you you want to control him blah blah.
At the end of the day if a partner is not willing to really hear you when you express things and respond, it is impossible to move forward in a positive way because you just end up bending to accommodate them all the time which is not healthy. You deserve better and I think you know this. Good luck.

Yes actually it is. She has told him many times it’s unacceptable and he just carries on. A conversation has had no effect. Deeds not words. She did the right thing and introduced consequences.

If it’s a regular sport did you not already know when he would be attending? Did he assume you knew this was his regular slot?
I think in relationships people need to be free to do what they want to do. But communication is key so your not left hanging at the last moment.

Need more detail please.

OP said it’s the first weekend they’ve spent together since July, and they’d planned a walk.

Also- your post was unnecessarily rude.

This is not a relationship, these are after work shags with no commitment. It’s going nowhere, end it.

You’re trying to go in the direction of relationship, he is not.