How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

[OnlyPocketChange]

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

"Dear Margaret,
I hope you're doing well?
I'm writing because we're just starting to plan for Christmas, and we realise that it's supposed to be our turn to host you and dad this year. Since he's no longer with us, and mum is eager to have us at her's, we have decided to take her up on her offer. We know you have a lot on your plate, so we thought we'd let you know about the change of plans well in advance so you can make alternative arrangements. We hope you understand (you can add that she's welcome to drop by for a coffee and cake before the holidays if you don't mind having her)".

I'd be more sympathetic if she had been in touch for something other than favours and money. I'd let her know as soon as possible that you're not following the old tradition this year so she has a chance to make other plans.

Lol, good for you. Life is too short for that shit.

She does mind having her. She wants rid of her completely. She does not like her and never did.

does she know you don’t like her?

christmas is my fav time of year and I’d certainly not be spending it with someone I didn’t like.

i can’t stand my dads ex… they split about 18 months before he died, but she’s well aware of that, especially when I was cold towards her after he died and she tried to assume the weeping widow role even though they’d split. She wouldn’t dream of asking me for a favour or money, let alone try and share Christmas Day with me. X

well, i would simply message her and tell her you dont want anything to do with her going forward. but i can be very blunt so there is that. i just see no point in dancing round it, just tell her straight.

It sounds like ops dad's partner was very me me me and selfish before he passed away. The dad chose not to leave money to his partner it's not ops responsibility to give money to her. It's okay to be 'selfish' when not doing so will negatively impact on yourself and your family. The bad behaviour of the past has cause this person's loneliness, not op. If she had been nicer then maybe people would have invited her.
Noone should be paying someone money and inviting them over for Christmas when that someone has been horrible to them, related or unrelated.
I'm willing to bet the people on this thread calling op selfish and mean will not be inviting a neighbour who has been horrible to them for years to the Christmas table incase they were lonely or giving them money. The fact ops father was dating this woman means nothing if her behaviour towards op and her family was poor.

“Dear Jane, since my dad as our mutual contact has passed, I do not wish to continue our relationship going forward, best wishes for the future, OPC.
bye, block.

I would send her a Christmas card closer to saying that you hope however and wherever she spends Christmas 2026, you hope she has a good day.

In the unlikely event she says that she thought she would be invited to yours, say no sorry. You have a full house and leave it at that.

Don't get too elaborate. Don't get into conversation about it.

Just say

Hello Mavis, I just wanted to let you know, in plenty of time, that our Christmas plans have changed after the very sad loss of dad in June. It’s been so tough on us all.
We do hope that you can make arrangements to do something special with friends over the festive period.
Wishing you well.
All the best.

It's the person her Dad chose as his life partner. OP has no reason to feel guilty but posters need to recognise that.

Absolutely not 😂 people like the partner are whats wrong with the world. Cause chaos, then rely on people being too kind aka doormats, to tell them to piss off.

Some good suggestions here OP and I hope you and your siblings can heal.

HIs partner was his choice though - doesn’t mean OP has to like her.

He also chose not to live with her or leave money in the will to her. He obviously felt no obligation to do those things so why should op give her money and host her at Christmas? If she couldn't be bothered to be nice to op when her dad was alive

You owe her nothing. Your dad chose her, you didnt, so on his death your very loose link to her ended. Just dont engage with her from now on. Im sure by the time xmas arrives, if you havent been in touch for nearly 4 months, she will have got the message.

No it isn't. How am I responsible for other people's loneliness?
Some people are lonely because they are unpleasant and mean.

Girlfriend,who he didn't live with, didn't marry, and didn't put in his will. He obviously wasn't that mad about her

Sorry but that does make you a bit two faced.

You either genuinely forgive her for having an affair with your FIL whilst your MIL was dying because of her actions afterwards in taking care or him, or you don't.

Instead you were happy to use her to care for your FIL whilst you needed her to, and then happily eased her out when she was no longer of use. All the while she probably thought you were actually her friend when really you weren't.

You say it was kindness but that does sound quite cruel really.

God, MN loves it when an old(er) woman gets her comeuppance doesn't it. There's absolute glee in some of these responses.

I don’t think we can judge his feelings.

A retired aunt of mine had a long term BF (her DH died a long time ago). They were together for decades, holidayed together, lived near each other but in their own places, saw each other at least twice a week and loved each other a lot. Both had children and grandchildren, and independent lives as well.

BF died first and AFAIK left nothing to her except personal stuff like ornaments and keepsakes. They were both happy with the combination of a lovely relationship, and having their independence without getting monetarily entangled.

Or MN loves it when a woman decides not to stamp Welcome on her back and let everyone walk all over her.

Why could you not invite her for Christmas day? It sounds as if she is very lonely and it will be a very difficult time for her as well as you. It doesn't have to be a major event and you are probably not in the mood for anything other than a quiet Christmas anyway. Does she have any family of her own? Otherwise, it seems very unkind not to include her - if for no other reason than your Dad obviously loved her and would almost certainly be very upset if this lady were on her own for the first Christmas after his death.

Do you not think you should take accountability for your own actions if you are a woman above a certain age? If you don't treat people well whether you are 20 or 80 years old, don't expect them to invite you to things and do you favours and give you money. It's that simple
Op isn't doing anything horrible to this woman she just isn't going out of her way to be nice to her and give her money.

The OP doesn’t owe this woman anything. She was her Dad’s GF and no one liked her.

She doesn’t even owe her an explanation.

Send the message then enter 2027 with no contact.

Wow some of these posts.

OP I think you’re approaching this the right way. Regardless of her behaviour in the past you’re mindful she is likely grieving and not wanting to lower yourself to her behavioural standards by considering your response. I think reaching out now being mindful is the best thing you can do. Being harsh as some posters are suggesting won’t make you or her feel better. Cutting it off early however so there is no confusion is best for you both.

“Hi X. I understand you’ve been speaking to Y about Xmas plans. I wanted to reach out with plenty of time before the event. With the change in circumstances, we won’t be hosting Christmas this year and I will be going to my mums instead. Hopefully you have a good Christmas, difficult for us all with the changes we are going through and grief we are managing. Take care, X.”