How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

[OnlyPocketChange]

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

Can you just say that you understand from your Aunt that perhaps [F’s partner] had expected an invitation to spend time with you over Christmas but that with your Dad having died this year, you are having a completely different Christmas this year. You thought you’d let her know early that you won’t be able to spend any time with her so that she can make her own arrangements.

She sounds like a sponging chancer

.

Nah.

100%

@Byebyeblackbirds26 it probably does seem two faced but she'd helped care for FIL when he was very ill and I was extremely grateful to her for that. Dh is severely disabled and without her, the majority of caring for FIL would have fallen upon me. Also, he'd been her entire world for many years and then suddenly he was gone. No matter what had happened in the past, I felt sorry for an 88 year old woman who suddenly found herself bereaved and alone at Christmas. I have eased her out of our lives but gradually and in a way that i felt was kinder to her and if that makes me two faced then I'd rather be two faced than be the type of person who could just dump her and not give a damn.

What about people more closely "related"?

Do they get a pass?

I wouldn't usually suggest this, but if she sent the message through your aunt, can you not send a message back through your aunt?

This is v good

May still be grieving? He died in June and it's September? Wow! You don't want to sound too harsh ? You need a bunch of strangers online to word a text to someone ? So she used to come when your dad was alive and now that he's dead she's no longer welcome? I can see why she thought she might still be invited

It must be hard because I’m sure you’re nice and she sounds awful. Whatever you do, make it clear and concise and don’t feel bad saying no if she asks for other days at yours, or money etc … she should be self sufficient by now or visit her own family

Last week of Nov, send a xmas card and write, hope you have a good xmas and NY whatever you plan!

we’re going away as it’s too sad without dad. All the best for 2027

Does she like you ? Is she unkind or is it just she's not your cup of tea ? It sounds like she has some affection towards and feels some sort of connection even if it isn't reciprocal. Do you feel bad telling her your not invited bluntly because u think she perhaps does not deserve be iced out ? I'm just struggling with being that unkind unless their is a backstory. I understand that since your father has passed you have no obligation to her but it's still come across as rather brutal especially with being the first Xmas since you DF passed . I think if it is a case of she's just not you cup of tea you should tell her with some compassion and ust say going fwd you will now spend Xmas with you mother's family alternate hosting as you want long break after being the host for so long .

He never lived with her. She was his girlfriend and has her own rented home, which makes some of the responses on here even more bonkers!

OP has said she’s a difficult person, nobody in the family likes her, OP’s siblings cut contact with their father because of her behaviour, she’s asked the family for money and favours because the father chose not to leave her anything in his will and has in the past tried to wangle Christmas invites on the years OP was hosting her mum (ie is happy to impose because she centres her own wants and feels entitled to, regardless of the situation).

There’s little reason to perpetuate relationships with people who bring nothing but stress and negativity, even when they’re a close relation or long term friend. There’s absolutely no reason if they’re neither of those things!

Eh?

How on earth can you take that from what OP has said?

If they were partners (the OP's words) then that suggests a bit more of a relationship than girlfriend/boyfriend.

Yes but it wasn't the OP's relationship was it? She has no relationship with this woman.

This is a good message.

Yes. You do have ties, she has been to previous Christmas events with you, she was your father’s love.So for his sake, it’s just one meal , she is grieving.Even if she is a noxious old bag, she is lonely and it’s Christmas.

How long were they together?

Why should ops Christmas be ruined by bad behaviour to make this person feel less lonely. Why should she make several people unhappy to please someone who hasn't been good to her or her family in the past?

I always just assume projection when people go off on weird tangents like this.

Her father's girlfriend didn't even live with him, and has been trying to sponge money and favours from OP since he died. Her dad knew she didn't like her and accepted OPs reasons for that.

The girlfriend of her dead dad sounds like a pain in the arse grifter, if anything.

That’s a bit awkward but if you don’t get on or she’s never bothered with you then tell her you’ve made arrangements with your close family for Christmas who are more important to you. You’ve got your life to get on with and grieve for your dad she will have to make her own arrangements she’s not your problem harsh but life goes on

Lol. Nope. Her dead father's girlfriend is not her family, and has attempted to sponge money and favours from OP in the wake of her father's death.

She's not liked, she's not wanted, she's not family, and she's not invited.

Why? Why stop the favours and the money? She was his fathers partner? Why is the world so me me me and selfish now. Damn

Found the sponging girlfriend 😆

Telling someone who has just lost their partner it is to sad to celebrate with them because of the loss of their dad. The partner has had a loss so she’s fully aware it’s a sad time. Then basically telling her she can deal with the day alone or find something else to do.
I totally agree that OP doesn’t have to invite the partner if she doesn’t want to but telling someone a load of bull about how hard it is isn’t the right way to do it.