How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

[OnlyPocketChange]

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

"Hi,
As my Dad has very sadly passed away, I am no longer interested in having any form of relationship with you. Please do not contact me again.”

Then delete number, and block.

OP has stated that her other siblings didn’t entertain the GF after the first year because of how she acted. I think OP has already done her #bekind part here.

Stop the favours immediately.

Delete and block if you dislike her. She'll get the message.

"We're spending Christmas differently this year and have made alternative plans".

The same dad who didn't even leave his partner anything in his own will, you mean?

Bearing that in mind, I doubt he'd be bothered by the OP not spending Christmas with her.

What on earth?

He desperately loved his partner, considering he left her with pretty much nothing?

Please 🤣

You're making a lot of judgements about how much he loved or didn't love his partner there.

He very easily could have just thought that kids come first like many parents do or perhaps partner was less in need of the money as she already had her own house. He likely had no reason to be with her if he didn't love her. They didn't live together so he could have left her.

OP It’s very clear from these posts many people have not read the entire thread.

There are two or three well worded simple
and direct responses here. I’m confident you have seen them and can use them if you want.

as as second wife I wanted to say…..

absolutely you and family will celebrate every Christmas going forward with your mum. This is so very reasonable it goes without explanation. She should never assume you would forgo time with your mum to spend a holiday with her. That’s way too presumptuous. Of course the day with mum and maybe some years with IL but not her.

What's wrong is people who think they can be unpleasant to others and still expect them to be friendly and provide them with money and companionship.

@Byebyeblackbirds26when did i mention forgiveness? How do you know whether or not I forgave her? When did I say I'd used her to care for FIL? I said I was extremely grateful to her for help with care that she actually gave willingly without being asked, there was no "using" of anyone, it's strange that you've jumped to that conclusion. It would have been cruel if I'd dumped her at Christmas when she'd just lost her partner of many years. Do you not think that immediately cutting off from her would have been the really cruel thing to do? Instead I remained in her life, whilst she picked up the pieces and made a life for herself without FIL. Why do you think that is cruel and what would you have done differently? I'm genuinely interested to know.

Ah, that's the kind of caring the world needs more of! 🤣

This really isn't complicated. Brief, plain message
Dear X
Obviously circumstances have changed since my father's death, but I gather from Y that you may be expecting to spend Xmas with us. In view of this I thought I should give you advance warning that we won't be inviting you, so that you can make other plans. Best wishes for the future, OP.

Hi Dads partner

Just to give you a heads up as we lost Dad this year we have decided to celebrate Christmas differently.
We will not be hosting, entertaining or visiting over the holiday period
Wishing you the best for Christmas & the new year

Dont give any further info, even if asked & enjoy a new kind of Christmas

This is clear and to the point, best to tell her sooner rather than later.

Sorry about your dad 💐

That poor lady missing her darling partner, facing finacial difficulties and learning to live without him. And then finding out his family didnt like her at all. How very harsh for her.

Would all going away be an option if you dont want her staying?

The wording was intended to acknowledge that everyone concerned is grieving, at the same time recognising that the person who died is the what connected them; so OP's family seeing the former partner without their dad will be too sad on special days like Christmas.
Interesting that it sounds so harsh to you. It is the attitude that I expect my husband's children to take if he dies before me. I am fond of them after knowing them well for 20 years, and hope that we will be in touch sometimes so I can hear how they are getting on. But I don't count on them wanting to see me very often after the funeral is over and DH's affairs settled, and I wouldn't expect support from them in the longterm either.

I would not have offered support to her whilst harbouring such negative feelings towards her, knowing I would be booting her out the door once it was more convenient to me.

If you felt as strongly as you did about her as you wrote in your first post, then you were not the person to help her through her grief. That is two faced.

I would have stepped back and let her real family and friends pick up the pieces, in the knowledge they genuinely wanted to maintain a relationship with her long term. That would have been kinder to do.

I'm surprised you can't see how your actions were cruel to an 88 year old woman. You gave her false hope of a long term relationship and then took it away when it suited you.

I'm sure there will be another drip feed of information but based on what you have written your actions were not as altruistic as you are asserting.

I agree! This bit is awful:
it feels too sad to celebrate with just you

'Your presence would make us miserable, so off you trot.'

A simple 'Christmas without dad is going to be tricky for us, as I'm sure it will be for you, so DH and I have decided to do something completely different this year. We're not sure what, yet, but I felt that we should let you know so that you too, can make your own plans' at least doesn't make it personal.

I'm sorry, but this is awful - so mealy-mouthed and hypocritical.

If OP doesn't like her and doesn't consider her part of the family, she should be honest and say so.To pretend that inviting Dad's partner at Christmas will somehow intensify everyone's grief is just total BS. It stinks. It's way worse than the simple, blunt truth:

"Dear Dad's partner: Now that my father has passed away, I consider our relationship to be at an end. While I wish you well wherever life takes you in the future, please don't contact me or my family again."

I do this then block the number.

@Byebyeblackbirds26 ha ha i actually feel pity for you as you sound a very bitter and hard hearted person. Has someone treated you badly and you have to take it out on strangers on the Internet, distorting what others are saying to fit your warped perception of people you don't even know? If I said I served her breakfast in bed on Christmas morning you'd still find fault with me!! Go and have a cup of tea and a sit down love and add some sugar to sweeten you up a bit!

Send this...

Hello Barbara, you won't be coming to ours for Christmas this year because you're a nasty old cunt. Hope that clears up any confusion. Don't take care x

Possibly she was dependent on Dad, who was perhaps a bit naughty in not providing for her, do you think? OP does not say how long they were together, but it must have been some years.

I agree, OP does not have to have anything to do with her going forward, but she has been led to believe that there is a long term relationship by regular invites, at which I guess OP has been polite and welcoming. It is this that OP is struggling to unpick.

Oh well, people are different. I would much prefer to receive my version than yours!

That’s a very long paragraph for someone trying to convince everyone they’re unbothered. The amateur psychoanalysis, imaginary backstory and cup-of-tea routine are doing an impressive amount of heavy lifting.

If you have to invent a damaged version of me to win the argument, you’ve already lost the actual one.

This. If they were together a long time she must be suffering. Bit unkind to leave her out.