How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

[OnlyPocketChange]

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

"Kind" doesn't have any real definition, any more than "nice" does, it's far too subjective. You have been kind, far too kind, in my opinion. It is not unkind to simply tell her goodbye, and then block her. It would, indeed, be extremely unkiind to you and to your family to tolerate the woman any further in your life.

No, I think it’s “except for people who aren’t nice to OP”. She has stated the woman wasn’t nice to her, so good riddance. It’s very easy for you to be generous with OP’s time/money/sanity - but this woman hasn’t been nice to OP so she can just go and get fucked. OP just wants to inform her politely because OP is a decent person, just not one willing to be shat upon.

It doesnt sound like it is happening, it was a consultation for which no results have been released yet!

She's really trying? By frequently texting to ask for favours and money?

Yeah there's nothing like bringing a bit of peace and goodwill to someone's house when invited for a full Christmas dinner. Oh wait, that didn't happen did it? She didn't bother.

Goes both ways you know. People forget that bit.

Yes I’d be proud of my child for having good boundaries. It’s a random woman her dad lived with, no connections to op.

I would send a Christmas card at the end of November, put a message in that you are having a quiet Christmas and looking forward to not hosting, all the best for the New Year etc. If she is thick skinned just say that after the tough year you are not having your usual Christmas.

If she asks before card is sent then a breezy, “no, not this year”

And thats what's wrong with the world!

It sounds like you’ve got nothing to lose as you’re happy to have no relationship with her. So just short and to the point.

“Hi X, I just wanted to make plans clear in advance so there is no confusion. We won’t be hosting you for Christmas anymore. I wanted to let you know in advance, so that you can make alternative arrangements going forward.”

Doesn’t matter what he would have wished for. If the OP doesn’t like her, she doesn’t have to bother with her.

Easiest thing to do is just not respond to any texts or calls. She isn’t your problem. If she turns up on the doorstep, send her on her way.

It's really not. This person is unrelated to op, their behaviour has been bad, why should she feel any sense of responsibility towards them at the detriment to herself? Some people's actions are what causes their loneliness, because if you aren't pleasant towards people when you don't need help, why should you think you deserve help from them later
Sometimes you have to put yourself and the people that are dear to you first and not take on every man and his dog regardless of their behaviour.

Bravo! Best suggestion.

there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity (c)

So he was just happy to use her whilst he was alive and discard her upon death. Nice.

Ah yes Christmas. The season of goodwill to all men.

Don't be cruel.

How was he 'using' her? They were dating and each had their own house.

They weren’t even living together.

Sounds like she was hoping or thinks she’s entitled to some of his money.

If they were partners (the OP's words) then that suggests a bit more of a relationship than girlfriend/boyfriend. If she was just the girlfriend then that would be different of course.

It sounds like you don't like her in any way whatsoever if you're not open to the compromise suggested by a pp of having her over the week before for an afternoon only.

What about 'Hello Helen, just a quick note, following a recent conversation with Auntie Ada, to let you know that we can't have you over at all at Xmas. Wishing you all the best, OnlyPocket'

If you don't like her don't invite her. It's ok to be honest in your actions.

OP has stated that they didn't live together and the woman had her own house.

Lots of people don't use girlfriend/boyfriend about romantic relationships once past the age of boy/girlhood!

ETA but again, however the relationship is described, why leap to the conclusion that the deceased was using this woman?

You'd seriously have someone over for Christmas who you don't like, has treated you poorly and you have no ties to?

I think it's slightly mean,she has lost her partner.She did not inherit anything from her deceased partner.Christmas is a season of goodwill.I know you don't like her,but could you arrange,that she can come for Christmas dinner only!As you would like to spend this Christmas with your own family.Then she could get a lift back home.She sounds lonely.I think I would make my boundaries clear,from the start.But we all sometimes have to endure Christmas,with people,who are not our friends or relatives.You can be the bigger person!

Maybe Thindog would like to invite her over?

From my point of view, if my husband dies before me I wouldn’t expect or want to spend Christmas with his family any more. We get on fine but I would move on with my own life and family. Hope this helps you feel better about what you need to do.