How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

[OnlyPocketChange]

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

Yes. It is incredibly soon after his death. They didn't have to be friends, but I would not have just ignored her texts and messages even if they are asking for help and money.

She's not even visited her dad's partner once since he died. Well why all the worries about what to say about Christmas. It's obvious you can't stand her. Just tell her that instead of fannying about thinking of something appropriate to say. Fucks sake.

Your aunt still keeps in touch then with the gf you can't stand?

Yeah, it is difficult because no matter how you word it, what will hurt her is just not being invited. Others have given some good tips so will just add more for variety so you can take what suits -

Hello X, I was chatting with family about Christmas plans this year and just wanted to give you a heads up so you can start making plans with friends or family on your side. We're spending Christmas and holidays with family only, so hopefully this is enough notice.

All the best x

(I will say though that if she has a good relationship with others and it's just that you don't like her.. I wouldn't necessarily rip this away from her so quickly as you may all be her only family. And it's her first Christmas alone too without her partner. Maybe you could host her this year and then talk to her, making it clear you don't think it's appropriate to keep hosting her because she will likely find a new partner and integrate into their family. And then slowly make it clear you only want to host your own family next year so she won't be invited again.)

Let her go wherever she went the year she didn't come with your Dad . She must be thinking of this herself . She's not even a stepmother or his ex wife. No relationship to your family at all now your father has passed away .

A close relative of mine had a massive stroke and her funeral was the 23rd of December. We had no Christmas that year. I wouldn't wish that on anyone but there's far more things to worry about sometimes than who is sitting around the Christmas dinner table.

This isn’t true though, so it’s just misleading and could raise expectation about next year or other events through the year.

Be honest “Hi, just wanted to let you know that now my dad is no longer with us, I’ll be making different plans each Christmas. I’m letting you know now so you’ve plenty of notice”

Maybe it’s harsh but op and her family don’t like her and have neither reason nor obligation to maintain a facade.

Christmas to me is about spending time with loved ones.

You can invite loads of people you don't like to your Christmas, and the OP can invite people she does like to hers.

Hope you have the best Xmas op xx

Do you think your aunt has said this because she doesn’t want to be the one lumbering with hosting her? So is trying to put the expectation on you preemptively?

Either way I would make sure she and aunt know it isn’t happening.

I think something as blunt as “I don’t want a relationship with you going forward” is find in these circumstances as it lets her know where she stands.

I’d message and say you want to make her aware you won’t be hosting Christmas this year and you hope she has a happy one. I’d probably stop contact going forward if you don’t want a relationship with her

Some very hard hearts on this board.

i quoted your post before you updated it.

ETA FYI, you can tell this by looking at the edit history - your post was 1847, my reply was 1847, your edit was 1849. So it’s not that I “missed it” as you suggest, it’s that it wasn’t there.

It's not the OP's job to make this lady a better person.

Dear xxxx hope you are well blah blah
since dads passing i can’t face our usual routine at xmas so we are thinking about going away just the two of us , i hope you understsnd and what ever plans you mske i hope you have s lovely time

“ thinking” of going away isnt committed so leaves you open to ideas as long as shes not on anyones facebook she’ll never know

i won't be seeing my dad partner once he's gone. i tolerate her so i can see him which isn't alot these days . noone likes her even hers own family have gone no contact. you don't have to have anything to do with her anymore op

sorry for your loss

I think aunt is saying this so OP contacts her beforehand to let her know not to turn up on Christmas day. It's a perfectly normal thing to do.

You are assuming she went anywhere

I think it is really toxic when dc have to tolerate someone they don't get on with in order to spend time with their own parent.

I don't have to spend time with all my friend's spouses; why, then, should people have to spend it with a spouse of their parent whom they don't get on with and are not related to? It's no different. Actually it is, because a parent has more of a moral duty to make space in their life for their dc than a mere friend does.

She isn't your mum, she isn't your problem OP.

ETA different if she had been a loving and hugely supportive force in your life. But it sounds as though she wasn't by a long stretch,

I feel very sorry for this woman who seemed to have been treated horribly by the whole family. She was used as a "partner" but left with nothing after her service was done. Now having to beg from the children who despised her but tolerated her because they're so lovely and kind.

How was she used? She had her own home and got hosted by OP for Christmas every other year.

Was she supposed to inherit her ex-boyfriend's home?

Why would she have wanted to have come to your mum’s for Christmas? This is the first Christmas without her husband. Are you saying your dad would spend Christmas with his ex wife… your mum @OnlyPocketChange ?

You don’t know the history, If my dads wife died I wouldn’t allow her to the funeral, she’s vile and I wish she’d fall off a cliff.