Page 14 | How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

OnlyPocketChange · 2026-09-15T08:35:47+00:00

Sorry to mention Christmas in September! For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner. It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings. Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that. How would you word it?

Harry12345 · 15/09/2026 21:22

greyss · 15/09/2026 20:40

I feel very sorry for this woman who seemed to have been treated horribly by the whole family. She was used as a "partner" but left with nothing after her service was done. Now having to beg from the children who despised her but tolerated her because they're so lovely and kind.

in what way was she used? People have all different kinds of relationships, especially later in life. If an older woman was discussing having a relationship with a man she doesn’t stay with, everyone on here would be encouraging her to make sure her Will ensured her money went to her kids. No one would suggest the man’s being used!
have you missed the bit where the op says the partner was unkind and no one else likes her? And yet the dad still left money to his kids so he must of knew they had a point.
if she’s a nice person she will have other people to spend Xmas with and why would she want to spend it with people who didn’t like her ?

Thindog · 15/09/2026 21:31

Harry12345 · 15/09/2026 21:03

Do you encourage your kids to put others wants and needs before their own? And to spend time with people they don’t like because they might have low self esteem? That’s an awful message

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I encourage my kids not to dislike anyone To be tolerant and kind. No one is all bad, but some people will be more difficult to get along with than others. Find their good qualities, they will have some.
Being kind to very elderly and lonely people might mean that, perhaps, on occasions, putting someone else's needs before theirs is the right thing to do. Just for one meal. or one day it's not too much to ask.

Harry12345 · 15/09/2026 21:34

Thindog · 15/09/2026 21:31

I encourage my kids not to dislike anyone To be tolerant and kind. No one is all bad, but some people will be more difficult to get along with than others. Find their good qualities, they will have some.
Being kind to very elderly and lonely people might mean that, perhaps, on occasions, putting someone else's needs before theirs is the right thing to do. Just for one meal. or one day it's not too much to ask.

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No, I teach my kids to be kind to people who are kind to them, that doesn’t mean be nasty to someone but to have boundaries when their instincts are telling them that someone is off with another person. And you get people that are mostly bad and I encourage my kids to stay away from them at all costs

Calliopespa · 15/09/2026 21:35

Calliopespa · 15/09/2026 20:40

I think it is really toxic when dc have to tolerate someone they don't get on with in order to spend time with their own parent.

I don't have to spend time with all my friend's spouses; why, then, should people have to spend it with a spouse of their parent whom they don't get on with and are not related to? It's no different. Actually it is, because a parent has more of a moral duty to make space in their life for their dc than a mere friend does.

She isn't your mum, she isn't your problem OP.

ETA different if she had been a loving and hugely supportive force in your life. But it sounds as though she wasn't by a long stretch,

Edited

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Sorry: friends' spouses! Though if I had a friend with many spouses I probably wouldn't spend time with all of them!

Calliopespa · 15/09/2026 21:42

Thindog · 15/09/2026 21:31

I encourage my kids not to dislike anyone To be tolerant and kind. No one is all bad, but some people will be more difficult to get along with than others. Find their good qualities, they will have some.
Being kind to very elderly and lonely people might mean that, perhaps, on occasions, putting someone else's needs before theirs is the right thing to do. Just for one meal. or one day it's not too much to ask.

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But it isn't "just" one meal or one day: it's Christmas, a really special family time.

It's ok to have special times for family when you are not doing charity. There are not that many occasions in a childhood to spend that magical time together when everyone has a day off work, off school, a feast prepared, gifts to exchange.

If the partner wanted to come for coffee or meet at Pizza Express one Friday night, that might be different.

MrsBatshitRatshit · 15/09/2026 21:43

CurlewKate · 15/09/2026 11:15

I would have to know more about why she isn’t invited…..

Not liking someone is a perfectly good reason not to invite them to your home.

MrsBatshitRatshit · 15/09/2026 21:47

greyss · 15/09/2026 20:40

I feel very sorry for this woman who seemed to have been treated horribly by the whole family. She was used as a "partner" but left with nothing after her service was done. Now having to beg from the children who despised her but tolerated her because they're so lovely and kind.

She was used as a "partner" but left with nothing after her service was done.

How do you make that out? Presumably the lady had a choice whether to be in a relationship with the OP's late father.

Booboobagins · 15/09/2026 21:57

@OnlyPocketChange I dont kniw why you dont like her. Is it because she hasnt been nice or that she was never going to replace your mum?

I ask because she just lost her partner. Do you have any idea what that is like? Well if not, here goes... you lose your partner and future in one fell swoop. It takes your breath away and leaves you with nothing. I mean nothing. You survive because you have to but you are alone and vulnerable.

Now ask yourself, what if she was you? Should she be alone at Christmas?

ThisTealViewer · 15/09/2026 22:00

Navigating Christmas hosting after a parent passes away is tough enough without unwanted guests expecting invites. Setting a firm boundary is totally justified here.

Pallisers · 15/09/2026 22:01

She was used as a "partner" but left with nothing after her service was done

Is this a thing? girlfriends get paid for service? was her dad supposed to have paid her for the companionship and sex? How about him - should he have been paid for his "service" too? ridiculous. They didn't live together, they weren't married, for all we know the dad could have been renting too. and just what is so wrong with a man leaving his estate to his children rather than his girlfriend?

OP owes this woman nothing. And she doesn't have to do what posters imagine her dead dad might like her to do either. She is an adult who never liked the woman but kindly tolerated her for her dad's sake. Now she doesn't have to. OP just text her that you are not hosting xmas this year. There seem to plenty of posters on here who relish having unpleasant people they don't like in their house for christmas so I'm sure someone will invite her.

Upyermonkey · 15/09/2026 22:02

Londonwelshie · 15/09/2026 10:33

Why is the government interfering with people’s private lives - if people wanted to share assets they would get married or draw up contracts for the same. This will just allow cocklodgers to acquire rights by stealth.

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Quite. What would be the point of getting married at all? Will there be the waiver on inheritance tax for cohabiting couples as though they were married? 🤷‍♀️

DurinsBane · 15/09/2026 22:07

darkling2 · 15/09/2026 12:13

I'd just tell her politely but with no attempt at dressing it up. "I understand you've been asking about visiting my family at Christmas. As my father is dead, we are no longer related and I plan to spend Christmas with my family. You are not, therefore, invited. Goodbye and all the best".

I wouldn’t really call that polite 😂

Harry12345 · 15/09/2026 22:08

DurinsBane · 15/09/2026 22:07

I wouldn’t really call that polite 😂

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🤣

Hohofortherobbers · 15/09/2026 22:09

Sorry for your loss OP, you spent Xmas with previously in order to spend precious time with you father. No one should judge you for not inviting her now your father is not with you. I wish you a lovely Christmas with your family. Surround yourself with the people who matter most to you. Life's short.

CloudyWithAChanceOfCustard · 15/09/2026 22:40

Runoryoga · 15/09/2026 09:40

Why don’t you like her? She sounds very lonely and like she’s really trying

Edited

‘Asking for favours and money’…is what you call really trying now is it? 🤦‍♀️🤯

Shinyandnew1 · 15/09/2026 22:44

OnlyPocketChange · 15/09/2026 11:05

I am trying to be kind, that’s why I’ve asked advice on how to word a message to her. She isn’t very kind, but I won’t lower myself to be like she has been.

She wanted to come every year and thought she should be invited on my mums year. She wants to come this year as she had a conversation with my aunt, which I said in my first post’ in which it was clear she expected to be coming to us.

She hasn’t been widowed.

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Why did she think she should be invited every year, even on your mum’s year? Did your dad think this?!

It’s very odd.

I wouldn’t message her at all, but if you really feel you want to, send a short one telling her you’re changing your plans for Xmas going forward since your dad’s death and won’t be hosting any more, so wanted to give her plenty of time to make her own plans.’

TalkToTheHand123 · 15/09/2026 23:19

Does your Aunt know she's not invited?

tree333 · 15/09/2026 23:24

She might feel that you are ate somehow her step child through relationship with your dad. For a few years you shared happy family time, so it need to be polite and firm wish you well message, trying not break her

Brokentoes85 · 15/09/2026 23:40

Morecoffeeneedef · 15/09/2026 09:48

Tell her now. 'We're making plans for Christmas and it feels too sad to celebrate with just you now that dad isn't with us, so we'll be doing something quite different this year. I hope you understand and can find a way of spending the day that helps you deal with your loss. It's so hard for all of us. X '

Lmao yeah less sad for her to not have an invite at all and to spend it on her own.

Callous and cold hearted

EvieBB · 16/09/2026 00:04

HoppityBun · 15/09/2026 09:42

First, stop with the favours and do not reply to texts.

Do not rely on anyone else to tell this person because you can’t be sure that they will say what you want them to say.

Then text her and say that you thought you should tell her as ear as possible that from now on, you are hosting Christmas only for your mother’s side of the family.

Bite the bullet and be short, firm and clear. If she turns up on the day, talk to her in the hallway or at the front door for 2 minutes then say that sorry she’ll have to go now as you have things going on.

Wow. Very cold. I would gradually withdraw contact and not cut someone dead like that. I wasn't brought up to act like that and to consider people's feelings along with my own

Mumtobabyhavoc · 16/09/2026 00:13

OnlyPocketChange · 15/09/2026 10:43

For those asking, my dad knew why I don’t like her and appreciated my efforts to accommodate her despite how she behaved. My siblings have no contact at all with my dad or her after they had been together for about a year due to her behaviour.

My dad didn’t live with her. She rents her own house so isn’t destitute. Any loneliness will be down to her personality.

This gives all the info.
She's not even a partner, really. They didn't live together and share expenses or pool finances. No children in common. She is the deceased's long-term girlfriend. There were no provisions made for her in the will. (interesting ...)

She was tolerated by the deceased's (some) family out of respect for their dad.

Sara, I know you'll understand why we won't be keeping in touch now, but we wish you well.

maxslice · 16/09/2026 05:15

Dayglojuice · 15/09/2026 20:13

Some very hard hearts on this board.

Yes. It’s very grim and dispiriting.

maxslice · 16/09/2026 05:18

Thindog · 15/09/2026 21:31

I encourage my kids not to dislike anyone To be tolerant and kind. No one is all bad, but some people will be more difficult to get along with than others. Find their good qualities, they will have some.
Being kind to very elderly and lonely people might mean that, perhaps, on occasions, putting someone else's needs before theirs is the right thing to do. Just for one meal. or one day it's not too much to ask.

Show quote history

You are my hero,

thepariscrimefiles · 16/09/2026 05:51

Booboobagins · 15/09/2026 21:57

@OnlyPocketChange I dont kniw why you dont like her. Is it because she hasnt been nice or that she was never going to replace your mum?

I ask because she just lost her partner. Do you have any idea what that is like? Well if not, here goes... you lose your partner and future in one fell swoop. It takes your breath away and leaves you with nothing. I mean nothing. You survive because you have to but you are alone and vulnerable.

Now ask yourself, what if she was you? Should she be alone at Christmas?

OP has made it clear that she doesn't like her dad's partner because she is not a nice person. OP has said

'For those asking, my dad knew why I don’t like her and appreciated my efforts to accommodate her despite how she behaved. My siblings have no contact at all with my dad or her after they had been together for about a year due to her behaviour.

My dad didn’t live with her. She rents her own house so isn’t destitute. Any loneliness will be down to her personality.'

She has only contacted OP since her dad's death to ask for money and favours. OP used to invite her mum and her dad with his partner for Christmas on alternate years and her dad's partner used to tell OP that she should be invited for Christmas on OP's mum's years as well. She sounds pushy and unpleasant.

OP invited this difficult woman as a courtesy to her dad because she wanted to spend Christmas with him. Now that her dad has gone, she doesn't need to do that any more.

Ladyfromthehill · 16/09/2026 06:32

OneLilacHedgehog · 15/09/2026 19:09

Poor woman. Her partner only just died and now his family want nothing to do with her.

But then does she have her own family?
You cant force people to like strangers- which she is. If they never had a good relationship, then this is it. People sometimes dont invite blood relatives to things or go NC.