How to tell my late dad's partner she is not invited

[OnlyPocketChange]

Sorry to mention Christmas in September!

For Christmas, family come to us on alternating years, so one year my mum, brother, sister and their partners and kids come to us and the following year my dad and his partner come to us. I have done this for my dad only, I do not like his partner.

It would have been my dads turn this year but he died in June. Since he died, I have not visited his partner but she has called and text me a few times asking for favours and money as my dad left most of his estate to me and my siblings.

Yesterday I spoke to my aunt who is my dads sister and she has told me that my dads partner is still expecting to be invited for Christmas. I will not be having her here and need a nice but firm way, if that’s possible, of telling her that.

How would you word it?

Just tell her your not hosting this year. The other set of your family who might host should tell her the same. Just say you've got other plans.

It is quite common in older 2nd relationships for nothing to have been done about inheritance. My guess is he switched as part of the divorce to his children, but thought nothing further. Time rolls on and what might have been a temporary relationship obviously became a long term one, and things are forgotten

It is also possible that dad inherited, so thought it should go on to his parents grandchildren rather than out of the family.

(My MIL was left without a pension to support FILs children because he had failed to update his wishes on divorce and it went to his first wife)

You could send a message saying As a family there will be no celebrations this year. You are letting her know so she make other plans herself. You wish her well for the future from OP.

@OnlyPocketChange I can’t imagine your aunt is correct, she’s probably sh*t stirring or something. Your step-mum will know that she will no longer be a priority over your mum’s side of the family and doesn’t need telling anything.

In fact maybe it was the excuse she gave your aunt to gently turn down a Christmas invite from her.

This sounds perfect

I'm not sure how the OP is nasty. She put up with someone she didn't like for years in order to maintain a relationship with her father. Some people would say OP has actually been kind.

Why should she continue to give this woman somewhere to go for Christmas now her dad is no longer here? It's not like it can upset him now.

And will excluding difficult people, and making them feel lonely make them less unpleasant and mean? People who are like that actually have low levels of self esteem and well being. Including the difficult person improves the world one person at a time.

That’s actually really sad, whilst I know it may be reality for a lot of people. My step mum has been in my life 22 years and I couldn’t imagine rarely seeing her if my dad died.

But we’ve been told that the OP’s father and this woman did not live together and that she rents her own home. I think that putting anything else into the narrative is unhelpfully inventing a story that has no bearing on reality.

That’s about the end of relationships, instead of divorce, not death. The OP’s father and this woman were not cohabitants.

It’s only been OP to host as the other siblings don’t like the GF and thus have been coming to OP only on alternate years with their mum

How many difficult, unpleasant, mean, but lonely people are you inviting this Christmas?

OP has been including her for years, by the sound of it, and her view of the GF hasn’t changed.

Initially if it were me I would have offered to go and visit her, staying in a Premier Inn or similar, go for a meal with her, just listen, let her offload, tie up loose ends from your perspective. Tell her “ I can come and see you in November, because we won’t be around in December”…so you are setting out the scene.

she may have unsaid things that she wishes to express.

But then I read that she isn’t widowed, your DF didn’t live with her and so on.

Some of the replies upthread seem quite callous - (reading it as a widow and being alone). I think you can be kinder in how you deliver your boundaries. You can present it as you not being available - but it would be hurtful for her to hear that you are substituting your own family - actually spelt out like that, that would be gutting to hear IMO

You can present it as you not being available - but it would be hurtful for her to hear that you are substituting your own family - actually spelt out like that, that would be gutting to hear IMO

See, that seems strange to me.

This lady has only been in OP’s life occasionally (every other Xmas and possibly some in between visits). She hasn’t been a maternal/step mum figure, from the sounds of it. Why would it be “gutting” to hear that OP is going to her mum/going to host her mum/going to one of the siblings along with her mum?

Actually at least 2!
It's not about whether I like someone, Christmas to me is about family, friends and community.
So irascible old Uncle, pissed up Bil, hyper strict religious old granny, super woke Dil , very unwoke old Aunty are all welcome. I would not exclude an 88 year old for being unikeable.
It's only one day. .

I think ultimately you know her best so YANBU.

I would have suggested including her one last time as it is technically 'her year' and she lost her partner recently but it sounds like that could set a precedent for future years.

Did she and your dad pitch in with food and chores when they came for Christmas in previous years or did they expect to sit back and be hosted like guests?

A Dad who would expect his daughter to host his disliked partner for Christmas at the expense of her own mother and family is not a Dad who has an opinion worth listening to.

Well, since you clearly can't stand her and don't care about her, just do whatever you want and don't bother seeking validation here

I’d message her now, ahead of time so she can make other arrangements.

hi x, I just wanted to give you plenty of notice that we are doing Christmas differently this year. Having lost my dad I intend to share the day with my mum/my husband only and on a much smaller scale. I am sure you will understand.

Just send her a polite message saying Christmas is going to be family only. My mum has a friend like her and each year it for awkward rejecting her until we said actually no it’s just family from now on.

Don’t lie. Tell her firmly, without being mean. That arrangement where you chose Dad’s side every other year died with him, and you will not be doing that anymore. You don’t sound close, so just wish her well and move on with your life.

It does. I'd definitely say that.

That's lovely but it won't necessarily happen. I think my step children are quite fond of me and we have never fallen out over anything, but it's their dad that they truly love, understandably, not me.

Yes, but maybe you left the full-stop off that sentence for a subliminal reason (in fairness to op) ("trying" to what...?)

I have to say I have some sympathy for the OP. I think there is enormous pressure on adult dc to embrace their parents' subsequent partners and, while a person may be a good fit for the parent and they are perfectly entitled to incorporate them into the parent's life, I think forcing dc to make them an integral part of their life isn't always fair. There can be lots of tensions and difficult dynamics. My friend found it really traumatic being told what she could put where, what she could do where in the house she had grown up with with her mum as their family home and which had been their grandparent's home before that. The bedroom that had always been hers was converted to a dressing room for the new partner, while her mum was now living in a poky flat as the new partner slept in her old bed and kept her clothing in OP's bedroom. These are not easy things, and sometimes just stepping back and letting the parent get on with their new life without having to throw everyone in the same stew pot is the wisest thing.

It isn't as though she is just wanting to come for a coffee: it's Christmas.