Would you message a childhood bully on a forum after 40 years?

[Woolybear]

Hi I wonder what everyone’s thoughts were on this, if you were able to private message someone on a forum, someone you hadn’t seen from childhood for 40+ years and hope never to see again would you tell them what a vile bully they were?

Nah
Don’t give them the satisfaction

If I hope I never see this person again, I can't imagine wanting to communicate with them either. I'd rather keep the whole thing in the past. And it no longer matters to me whether my "bully" knows what she did was wrong; I know that it was and I don't respect her enough to care about her opinion. What do you hope to gain from contacting them?

Of course not. Either they've changed and you're holding anger for nothing or they haven't and you'll make them happy.

I hope you've lived your life and been more than what they did.

And yes. I was bullied.

Ahhh I did! Somehow ended up being FB “friends” with the bully (she sent an invite and I accepted).

I totally ignored her for 15 years but her posts pop up occasionally. She became a teacher. One time she was waxing lyrical about the awful effects of bullying on children and how devastating it was, and I actually commented obliquely about how I’m sure she remembered all about bullying from her own years at school and I was glad that she’d found a way to understand the impact it has from an adult perspective.

I got a PM from her. It was lovely actually. She said she didn’t realise how horrible she’d been to me and her mind had filtered out a lot of the “bad stuff” from childhood as a survivor of bullying by her older sibling and a survivor of grooming and SA. I did know for a fact a few of the things she mentioned were true and it all made sense - her bullying was taking it out on someone to relieve her own pain and frustration, a punching bag if you will.

I forgave her. I felt better.

I was bullied horribly at secondary school but I have no inclination to contact any of the girls again. I've simply moved on.

Not saying you would be wrong to do so but it would be wise to ask yourself what you hope to gain from any communication because you have no idea who these people are now and you might not get the outcome or response you want.

It sounds trite I know but I've found that closure is ultimately an inward process. It is far from easy but I've had to find closure from someone who denied me it (not a bully) and I fought against it as I thought I needed an apology but in fact realised it was about finding peace within myself even without one. Part of this was realising the other person had their own emotional issues and conditioning and it wasn't about me at all.

I hope that was redemptive for you both.

I know.DD's old bully professionally. He's having a much worse time than DD. Although of course I don't say that to her.

Don't be daft. Move on.

Mine is 50 years and I still feel trauma from it. I could not message or even bear to see a profile of them on social media. Just the memory of their name makes me anxious.

I wouldn't instigate contact, no. In fact, I would be very unlikely to pay them any attention at all. Why would anyone want to put themselves through that?

I was bullied a fair bit throughout secondary school. I'm in my 60s now so it was a very long time ago and I have moved on with no desire to go back.

Ironically, the main perpetrator who bullied me is apparently now a born again Christian. She probably doesn't admit to what she was like as a teenager. She was always sanctimonious, self-righteous and spiteful. Could never be wrong. She turned everyone she could against those she decided she didn't like.

Only you can decide that really. I wasn't bullied but I would put of curiosity get in touch and see what she says

People change.

I once went to work at a place where I was horrified to find my school bully in a leadership role. I recognised her immediately but she didn’t recognise me. I gave her a very wide berth and kept my thoughts to myself.

After a couple of years, I didn’t see her. She wasn’t at work every day. About six months later our works manager called us all together to tell us that she had died overnight of a brain tumour.

She made my school life hell every single day. I still felt sad for her and her family. I mentioned to a very close work colleague about knowing her at school and the colleague replied that she had been a bully at work too.

Op I had the pleasure of meeting one of the most hated school bullies (if it was school) It was a thoughly disapointing experience. I was not the main victim but He surley didnt help my school experirnce.

I calmly talked to him about the past some he "could'nt remember" and the bits he did were so minimised that he thought that the real victims were "just being a bit soft" and “should get over it” absolutely not a jot of empathy a horible child who turned into a horrible adult.

Let them rot and enjoy your own life x

I was going to say don’t be silly, you need to drop it now. But after reading some of the replies, some stuff has come into perspective and I would say, don’t even think of contacting them.

Bullies often become more viscous with time, yours may have grown up of bullying people openly but might have the skills to hurt someone deeply with their words in ways that they cannot be pulled up for it.

Don’t contact them, it can bring all that pain back with a vengeance if they are nasty with you again. Remember that if you are not a bully, you are not playing in a level field with one.

I've considered this myself, it has crossed my mind as it affects how I feel about myself and caused me so much misery as a child.

This is a lovely story. I'm glad you found peace

I wouldn't contact a bully though OP. There's not much to gain from it. You don't need to contact them to move past what happened to you.

No. It’s deeply unlikely that it will end in the acknowledgement/apology that would constitute some kind of closure for you.

Nah. I have either blocked or declined friend requests and left it at that.

No, there’s nothing they could say now that I want or need to hear.

It's been 40 years.

It is unlikely that they will acknowledge your message or apologise, and even if they did, it would be basically coming from a different person at this point.

The child who bullied you no longer exists.

I thought about doing this a lot. Then it was taken out of my hands as I met mine at a wedding we were both at. She came over all friendly and asking what I was up to nowadays. I politely and calmly told her I didn’t want to chat to her given how awful she had made my life for 6 years-that I wish her well but small talk is a bit much. She looked a bit uncomfortable and muttered that yes, she knew she hadn’t been that nice to people but it had been due to the groups she was in. I just said that ‘not that nice’ was an understatement and said ‘but there’s no mileage in continuing this conversation’ because there wasn’t. Nothing she could have said would give me those years back, and short of giving it a fleeting thought I doubt she will think of it again.

I have a colleague (we’re primary teachers) who talks frequently about her experiences being bullied as a secondary child and how much it affected her. She has loads of empathy for the kids in her class etc, etc. And I believe that this is all true.

However, she also takes pleasure in putting me down very publicly in the staffroom in subtle and twisted ways. I don’t bother pulling her up, I think she thinks we’re friends. I don’t think it even clicks with her what she is doing and if I said anything, she would deny it and it would be messy. Others have commented about it to me, so it isn’t in my head. But whatever, it’s her that looks unpleasant when she does this, not me.

Bullies are often complex, complicated people.

Maybe her perception of being bullied was she’s actually a dick!

As someone who was bullied, I can not imagine when I would think it was aceptable to do it to someone else. Part of their gift is it made me a better person and certanliy more driven to suceed.

I would imagine you’re a pretty great teacher xx

I think it’s a very personal decision.

I would not, because I don’t think the bullies from my school days have changed and doubt I’d get anything out of interacting with them. My mental picture of my life compared to theirs gives me peace.

Also, at some point the girls in our class had enough and wrote a note to the main bully which even her own cousin/best friend (also a bully but not as bad) signed. It was awful of us, and quite cathartic to see someone that made everyone else suffer get a dose, but I still feel badly for participating.

As an adult, I did connect with someone else from school who still lives in the same town. She said those two bullies from our school class are still bitches, sleep with other women’s husbands and cause chaos.

So no, I just have no interest to allow them any knowledge or access to my grown up world.

@timeforteaandcakes I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling like this as in my head I feel such a wimp but realistically I'm too scared to even consider that person.

No. Take this urge to a therapy session. What you feel is important but sending a message won’t heal it, it will just reopen it.