Dd17 just attacked me…

[Totalmayhem]

Caught dd17 lying (again) this morning and told her that as a result I wasn’t going to take her for the hair cut we’d booked in. The result was her throwing a screaming fit and deciding to ‘runaway’. I followed behind her at a distance as we live very rurally and she was in a state so I was concerned. When she realised I was following she turned and attacked me - blows mainly to my body and verbal threats as to how was going to go for my face next. I stayed calm asking her to stop and asked her to come home to calm down. She kicked her sliders off in the kerfuffle and eventually came home (I assume not want to walk the very shitty roads barefoot). She stormed to her room and broke the door handle slamming it (it’s old and been dodgy for a while) so now can’t get out. I’m sitting outside her door so when she does want to emerge we can try fix it. But for now I’m
just sitting shell shocked. Dh had to pull her off me at one point. WTAF. I know she’s worried about going back to school - there’s loads of work she’s meant to have done but hasn’t. We’ve really been trying to support her but she just tells us to leave her alone or lies to say it’s done. She’s lonely I know - she makes friends easily but looses them fast. Where the hell do I go from here?!!

This can’t have come out of the blue?

You're the victim of violent crime. I'm so sorry. Have you contacted the police?

Yep - goes to school, is a prefect next year, plays sports - she’s been very tricky to parent compared to our others but has never done this before…

Not planning to contact the police but do obviously need to get help - but what and where?

She has never been violent or kicked off like this? Ever?

She was very occasionally mildly violent under 9 years but nothing recently.

I’m sitting outside her door so when she does want to emerge we can try fix it.

sorry but can you explain why you’re sat out side her door?

Why did you even follow her…. She’s 17 and she needed some space. It sounds stifling and you cornered her and she lashed out?

I would report this to the police.

@KarmenPQZ because shes worried about her daughter?

I’m outside the door because she’s broken the handle mechanism. She won’t be able to get out if I’m not there to try and fix the opposing side. Given the state she was in I’m also concerned about what she might do (though there’s been no sign of this before)…

I wouldn’t have followed her

So what if you are rural

she has behaved utterly abysmally and revealed a violent and uncontrollable streak.

I would be googling therapy whilst you sit outside her door

So have you fixed it? Fixing it? As you type this thread?

The result was her throwing a screaming fit and deciding to ‘runaway’

you should have just shrugged

Yes - that’s why I’m on here - what sort of therapy and where do I access it? And yes, quite obv maybe letting her storm off would have been better but it’s too late now.

You need someone both sides to fix it!!!

No idea
But go private if you can
this needs to be addressed asap

It sounds like a meltdown to me and no, I’d not have followed her either - assume she had her phone on her, but it sounds as though you thought she was unsafe? I wouldn’t do anything else quickly, let things calm down and reflect on what’s going on.

if she’s lying and behind, then it’s clearly a bad coping strategy for something she’s not facing. Probably have to separate the cause - what’s bothering her - from the red line she crossed and treat them separately.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents/teen-aggression-and-arguments/

I asked through the door if she wanted to chat yet and she said no. I pointed out she was now stuck in her room and she said she didn’t care so I’ve left her to it. She doesn’t sound particularly sorry 😔.

The first thing to do is calm down.

There's nothing you can do now that can't be done in an hour, or tomorrow.

You both need to calm right down.

The argument started because you challenged her over lying. What was the lie about?

Everything about this reads meltdown. If your goal is to help your daughter, get her to a therapist asap.

I’m not excusing violence, I am just a mother of a 17 year old and know my own priorities.

I’m going to read this through an ASD lens because both myself and 17yo DD have ASD and it just feels like something that could happen here if we didn’t always work hard to manage things. You gave an unrelated, illogical consequence. That consequence triggered anxiety about her appearance for the start of school. That piled on top of her pre-existing anxiety about her lack of preparation despite being a high performer. She is a prefect. She knows she should be organized, but something is making it difficult. So she storms off, but then doesn’t even get time to have a tantrum.

Feel free to ignore that bit of extrapolation. At the core, I just think your daughter could benefit from therapy.

Google nhs therapy in your area ? You can usually self refer but it won’t be quick as nhs mental health is in its knees . There’s also Mind if you have one in your area that does it also.

Doesnt matter how old she is she should not be attacking you just because you changed you mind on something
Gas she always had a temper/losing it ? What’s she like with siblings ?
Could it be something like pmt ?

Ask if she would go to the gp for help regarding her outburst , She has to want to go she’s an adult virtually.
what if her dad ask her to go to the gp for help ?
she needs to recognise this is not normal behaviour

Pondering and I are both thinking the same thing. My dd is a similar age. It takes my dd days to calm down sometimes. There’s no urgency here to resolve this. The longer you leave it to discuss why she can’t act like that, the better it’s likely to go.