Is concern about shorter men’s attractiveness mainly an online exaggeration? In my experience it is

[KJ311]

Have only quite recently found out about this, probably in about the last year or so, but after having a nose on other halfs mn account and seeing a few height related threads, nearly all featuring at least a few women being quite vocal about not finding shorter men attractive [definitely not all women but quite a few], as well as seeing a few other social media platforms featuring content relating to shorter men being undesirable, left me feeling very perplexed. For the record I am male, 33, 5'7'' [maybe hovering around 5'8'', haven't checked my height in a while but around 5 7/5 8]so not drastically short but definitely nowhere near what could be called tall, and have never once experienced "heightism" in my day to day life, I have been in 4 relationships over the years and have never struggled at all with dating, including during my teenage years when girls are usually at there most superficial, and no one has ever even mentioned my height. My current partner, soon to be mother of my first child is 5'3''.

Just recently when looking online I have seen literally tons of online articles and social media, as well as threads with comments [including on here!] basically painting the picture that if your a shorter man your pretty much going to struggle immensely with being found attractive, I'm sorry but this doesn't translate in any way to the real world, and is completely debunked by walking down any high street and witnessing literally millions of shorter men of all ages who are married or have girlfriends. To me it just seems to be one of those weird online things thats heavily exaggerated [not completely untrue but definitely exaggerated], just wondered if anyone else noticed the same?

I think it depends on the man. And the woman. And also the site. Some sites police bad behaviour and eject people who are not behaving acceptably. I am guessing paid for sites are a lot more aggressive in policing behaviour than free ones.

I believe helping people to make more informed choices is always a good thing. There are some that will make the same choices even if they realise they are highly exclusive, but they are free to do that, just so long as they realise the impact that will have on their experience.

Because sites only feed in matches gradually, there is no assumption here that women are like men. Dating sites don't tend to bombard people with large numbers of people all at once anyway (or at least the good ones don't), so the chances of getting thousands of creepy messages all at once from setting less exclusive filtering is unlikely to happen. What's more likely is a site will feed in matches over time at a sensible rate, for example 5 per day, until the match pool is exhausted (or 1 a day if you turn up the filters). That exhaustion will occur much faster if the choices are highly exclusive. The paid sites realise that their success is based on giving the appearance that they are coming up with a steady stream of potential partners and providing a service that is worth renewing on subscription, just dropping a shed load of matches onto someone on Day 1 that overwhelms the customer doesn't really give that impression. Running out of matches quickly because of highly exclusive filtering doesn't do the site any favours either, so it should be something they ought to be interested in controlling or moderating if at all possible.

I don't think men are exclusive in being bitter and angry about dating sites. The complaints that they "don't work" for women made by women are just as bitter and angry.

Maybe if dating sites aren't seen by women a "valid way to find someone" they are indeed the refuge of people who have failed to find the relationships they want by all other means. If that is the case then there is probably an even greater argument as to why users might not want to be highly exclusive in the filters they apply if they want to be successful.

Whether either sex wants to admit it or not, dating is a numbers game.

I don't think men are exclusive in being bitter and angry about dating sites. The complaints that they "don't work" for women made by women are just as bitter and angry.

Yea, that's why women arent using them!

I'm not tall particularly (5.6) but I do like a big tall rugby player type build.. to be honest though it's more the build than the height - men with bony wrists and skinny legs/small hands are far less attractive than somebody who was say, 5.8. Each to their own obviously!!

However if I was perusing online dating I probably would be a bit more critical of height.. it's hard when you are reading from a bio rather than assessing the whole person in front of you though.

Then the user experience needs to be improved.

And part of that process is educating the users on the impact their choices have on the experience. And enabling them to find out whether they really really want to make that choice/filter given what it will do to their prospects.

I actually don't think the % usage of dating sites by women is that low or "bad". From what I can see of the demographics it is heavily skewed towards younger women, so in the future there is likely to be growth ahead.

I think it is an online thing. Most men are under 6 foot so it's not possible for every women to only want a 6 foot plus guy, most don't care and if certainly never crossed my mind. If anything too tall is a turn off.

I must admit I’m only attracted to taller men, my partner is 6’4” but ex partners have been around 6’ not sure why actually just my preference. I’m 5’5”.

My daughter is taller than me and her partner is 6’.

Height doesn't bother me. My dad's short and 2 previous partners were. The only person I know who had a problem with height was 1st short boyfriend. He had a complex about it and was really jealous and controlling towards me.

And part of that process is educating the users on the impact their choices have on the experience. And enabling them to find out whether they really really want to make that choice/filter given what it will do to their prospects.

The point is that you see this as a problem of "education" which implies women using the site don't realise that being too picky will reduce their "prospects" in terms of potential matches. The whole point is a lot of research shows this is a deliberate choice women are making because it cuts down numbers.

The problem with the age ranges on dating sites, and the male to female data is that also doesn't account for bots. Not all, but some of the "younger female users" will be bots (sometimes for porn accounts etc). That makes the total number of women even fewer (it is already a 1:3 ratio on Tinder, a 1:2 ratio on others. It is interesting that you.are determined to prove mens lack of success on such sites is the fault of women not being "educated"** rather then the faults of the sites themselves.

**I know you describe it is a fix to the technology. But it's a fix to the technology which is about teaching the users information they probably already have.

I'm not exactly tall (for a woman),at 5 ft 5 in I'm average. I've had a couple of relationships with shorter men,one was 5 ft 6 in,who insisted he was 5 ft 8 until I pointed out that he was the same height as me when I had my 1 in heel shoes on! The other was 5 ft 7 in. Neither of them said that they'd found being shorter than average for a man a problem when it came to attracting women.

You get used to it! I am from a family of tall men with a tall DF, DB and now DH. In fact, the "shortest" partner I've ever had was 6'4!

I find it very attractive but DH wishes he was more average height. He gets very bored of people randomly saying "wow, you're tall!" It's not like he hasn't noticed 🤣

"Probably".

In my experience most people don't think about probability and statistics very much at all.

I mean the evidence actually backs up this assertion. There isn't much sense otherwise in people who appear to consider online dating as a last chance saloon for finding a partner being highly exclusive about their requirements.

I don't find short men attractive. I don't find men who exaggerate to try to prove a point attractive. But despite all the millions of couples you have seen where the man is shorter than the woman [did you say shorter or am I exaggerating] there are gazillions where the man is taller. There are photographs of them all over the media and in photo albums. Shorter men will find partners, obviously, Prince did and Tom Cruise did but it does seem that tall men are more in demand.

Heightism is vile and an excuse to bully.

Having a preference doesn’t make you a bully. I would never comment on someone’s height, but I would never date a ‘short’ man.

Given the choice I prefer a taller man but it’s the whole package that counts, so shorter isn’t a deal breaker.

If I were single I would try speed dating- much easier to tell whether there’s a spark that way. OLD and the binary nature of filters can’t cope with the complexity of human attraction.

Not sure how I gave that impression....I'm pretty much completely grounded now, and quite happy being in the position..

Short Man syndrome is a stereotype. I can 100% tell you that anyone who actually knows me, that I am known for being very placid actually hehe, that might seem suprising but its true. Also, you've completely over generalised there with what I actually said, I never called womens preferences for taller men ridiculous, I said that I think the thought process of a woman calling a man too short despite still being noticeably taller is ridiculous in my opinion, but I actually also said they are entitled to have that preference even though I don't understand it, I also said that in one of my previous responses that I can fully understand someone not wanting to date someone shorter than them. Not agreeing with something and having my own opinion doesn't automatically label me as someone with short man syndrome i'm afraid.

I seem to be experiencing a bit of a strawman situation with this post, my whole intention was simply to see if anyone has noticed that this whole thing of shorter men being dismissed constantly seems to be massively more prevalent online than in real life, because from what I can see it certainly is, so wanted to see if anyone else has noticed, the whole context seems to have been adjusted by some posters

What is with all these sweeping assumptions? Asking a question that I was curious about because I only discovered this recently doesn't automatically indicate I'm not interested in my partner???

I feel like this too. Whenever I have dated a man significantly talle than me. I've found it awkward at best and surprisingly unappealing after a while

Most of the men i have dated have been between about 5ft 6 and 5ft 11. I was 5ft 7 when younger, nearer 5ft 6 nowadays. so not that short for a woman

You did refer to your partner as ‘current’ which does sound like she might not always be the ‘current’ one!

You asked a question, but then in a later post you said “They have every right to have that preference, but I'm allowed to think its ridiculous.”

It’s not ridiculous to not want to date someone you are not attracted to. I’m not attractive to ‘short’ men, bald men or fat men.

I’m 5ft 8 and ‘willowy.’ I know some men don’t find me attractive and that’s okay. I don’t think they’re ‘ridiculous’ for not wanting to date me.

Short man syndrome doesn't have to manifest as aggression. It really just describes a man for whom lack of height is an important part of who he is. Some short men develop a self deprecating humour about it. Some get defensive/aggressive. However, I've met few who didn't talk about height in one way or another. As you are here.
Height for men is like weight for women. The messaging around it is powerful and starts young. The praise for the appetite of the baby boy who's going to be "Big and strong, because his dad's 6 foot 2", the baby girl who is "so delicate and tiny". It's hard to remain unaffected by it if your genes haven't turned up trumps.

It’s not just the ‘big protective man’ thing, height is associated with authority, higher social class, higher earnings etc. Fine but some women seem willing to overlook massive personality flaws to have a tall partner.

My DH is about 5’4/5 and he has never struggled with women. He says he enjoys being shorter. I have been with men of 6 foot and over as well as shorter - can’t say it makes a huge difference to me honestly. Superficial people are going to hone in on superficial things.

Women are willing to ‘overlook massive personality flaws’ for all sorts of men!! The bar is incredibly low for some people!!

Good for you.

I would question why you're on a women's website asking about men's attractiveness in the dating pool when you've never had any problem and have a girlfriend who's pregnant with your child.

What could possibly be your motivation? And why haven't you married your girlfriend before getting her pregnant?