I’m still the scarlet woman after 16 years.

[Bilbosnaggins]

I met dh 16 years ago when I was 30. He was 25 and had a girlfriend of 4/5 months at the time.

I met him on a Friday night at a gig, we chatted for a few hours. We swapped numbers. The next day, we arranged to meet again on the Monday. He finished things with the girlfriend the day after we met at the gig, telling her that he’d met someone else the night before and that he wanted to finish their relationship, which they did.

I had no clue about any of this, until we met up on the Monday and now dh told me that he had been briefly been seeing someone else, but that he’d ended things with her the day after we met. For what it’s worth, I’d also been dating someone for a couple of months, I broke that off too.

His sister did not take it well and 16 years and two children later, she still won’t be in the same room as me. She will literally up and leave her parents house when I walk in. Dh has had it out with her a few times over the years, but she just says he’s a cheater and he’s a bad as me. PIL have told her to grow up and stop being so ridiculous many, many times. As has her now husband, who is lovely and who we have a good relationship with.

She’d met dh previous girlfriend once, briefly, when they bumped into her. His parents had never met her, they were just seeing each other, it was 5 months when Dh was 25, not serious at all.

According to MIL, it was all very childish afterwards, with declarations of “you’ll always be a part of my kids lives!” on social media (her children were toddlers at the time and had never met Dh girlfriend). MIL tried her best to shut it all down at the time, telling her she was being ridiculous.

Dh hasn’t really had a relationship with her since as she was so awful about me. They’ve only really said hello at a couple of family funerals. We also lived 300 miles away from dh family until a few years ago when we moved to the area they are from.

Long story short, it’s my lovely father in law’s 80th birthday next week and all he wanted was to go away for a few days to a holiday cottage with all his family.

SIL will not go if I, the homewrecking scumbag is going.

I have offered not to go. I love my parents in law dearly, and dh can take the children. PIL won’t hear of me not being there. But SIL won’t listen.

I know she has issues of her own as just be before I met dh, her husband cheated on her with her friend and left her with two small children. I get it, I really do. Dh has tried to reason with her that seeing someone for a few months and breaking it off as soon as you’ve met someone else is in no way comparable to your husband having an affair and leaving you.

I just can’t believe something so stupid has ruined their family relationship for the last 16 years!

Oh just go! She has the problem, not you. And your PIL love you so there you are. Let her get on with it.

If it helps, and to make you laugh, I got married in a scarlet red dress because I was divorced, my now XH hadn't been married before, PILs were not happy so I did the whole scarlet woman thing in style!

She's the only one with a problem. If she doesn't want to go then she can stay away. What a silly woman she is.

The only reason I offered not to go was that I lost my own father a few years ago. FIL has suddenly turned quite frail over the last few months and I really don’t think he’ll have it in him to go away with his family again.

As much as SIL is an unreasonable dickhead, I don’t want to take a last holiday with her dad from her.

That is ridiculous.

I have no tolerance for people who cheat, but that isn't what happened here - he had the decency to break off what was a very short relationship the very next day after meeting you. On the day you met, you simply chatted and exchanged numbers - nothing untoward, and it sounds like you didn't even know at that point that he was seeing anyone. You also broke off your own previous relationship prior to getting involved with him. All perfectly above board.

She sounds like a nutter and I think the problem is entirely hers. Just go on the holiday and let her opt out if she wants to be difficult.

That’s brilliant!

SIL did actually come to our wedding, but spent the ceremony sat at the back scowling, and half the reception telling my friends, “just wait, he’ll cheat on her too!” FIL drove her back to the hotel.

You sound nice, OP.

It's about the PIL.

They want you there and your mil thinks your sil is ridiculous.

Let her get on with her drama.

I would put money on the fact that if it wasn't this, there's be some other drama or you'd have committed some other massive sin.

That’s very generous of you.

But whatever you do, I think you need to recognise that you would not be the one taking this holiday away from her. She’d be doing that to herself with her absolute nonsense.

Can she explain what you and your DH shpuld have done instead?? Were you supposed to somehow know in advance that a chance meeting was going to happen and end your other relationships before you'd even met?!

You can't argue with crazy. She's dig in now and can't go back without admitting that she's ruined her relationship with her brother for no good reason. That would be too hard so she's doubling down and justifying it to herself.
Crazy thing is that the ex gf probably go over it almost as soon as it happened and is likely years deep into her own marriage by now!

You've done what you can - if sil won't put her own dad first then what can you do?

Yoire not taking the holiday, she is. It seems she’s misdirecting her upset over being cheated on to her brother and you. But I don’t get why you are the issue and not him.

youve offered not to go, pil say go, so go. Don’t engage further, she’s going to have to decide if this is so big she will miss this last holiday

You’re lovely

she’s a twat

Oh dh is a cheating bastard too 🙄

I could understand her upset if they had been together a couple of years, she was intertwined with the family and they had become close and dh just broke things off, or of dh had met me and continued seeing her for a while.

But it couldn’t have been more different. It was just a casual relationship for a few months.

I know she has issues of her own as just be before I met dh, her husband cheated on her with her friend and left her with two small children.

She's projecting. In her mind you are the OW her husband left her for. She can't take it out on her so she's taking it out on you instead.

But she will go if your husband goes?

And I really don’t think I can go on the holiday.

I don’t want her to have the regret of missing out this holiday with her father. There are things I should have done with my dad, and I didn’t, I know what it’s like to go through grief with regret and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

I will explain it to my PIL, they will understand. She would tolerate dh there (and probably have a face like a slapped arse the whole time), but not me.

She’s actually mad. She should see a psychiatrist. I wonder what the four month ex would think if she knew what the aftermath had been!

I am assuming so. They don’t really have a relationship at all. They only see each other at funerals.

But she said she wouldn’t go if I go. I assume she would tolerate dh. If she puts her foot down about dh, then sod her. I wouldn’t sent the children alone and put them on PIL to look after. So if she wouldn’t even tolerate dh, none of us would go, or dh would most likely put his foot down, tell her we are all going and she can stay away.

I don’t see the point in this holiday. It isn’t going to work.

Dh said at the time she was fine about it! No hard feelings, wished him well.

She sounds completely irrational, is there something wrong with her or is there more to this story?

SIL is unhinged and just wants someone to hate for what her ex DH did.

I know. I just think FIL wants everyone back together one last time, it’s a place they used to spend time at when dh and SIL were little.

Could you meet her one to one and have it out with her? You shouldn’t have to but my guess is she’s painted herself into a corner and can’t get out without losing face. Maybe a conversation allowing her to back down on her stance might help.

As I say, you shouldn’t have to, but you’re looking for a solution.

Any chance you could go and stay somewhere close by and just pop in? To avoid being in close confines with SIL for too long but still attend the holiday?

Your SIL needs help. That level of grudge holding without any real cause is really symptomatic of her own marital breakdown and nothing to do with you, and she needs help to see this. Probably too late now though!