I’m still the scarlet woman after 16 years.

[Bilbosnaggins]

I met dh 16 years ago when I was 30. He was 25 and had a girlfriend of 4/5 months at the time.

I met him on a Friday night at a gig, we chatted for a few hours. We swapped numbers. The next day, we arranged to meet again on the Monday. He finished things with the girlfriend the day after we met at the gig, telling her that he’d met someone else the night before and that he wanted to finish their relationship, which they did.

I had no clue about any of this, until we met up on the Monday and now dh told me that he had been briefly been seeing someone else, but that he’d ended things with her the day after we met. For what it’s worth, I’d also been dating someone for a couple of months, I broke that off too.

His sister did not take it well and 16 years and two children later, she still won’t be in the same room as me. She will literally up and leave her parents house when I walk in. Dh has had it out with her a few times over the years, but she just says he’s a cheater and he’s a bad as me. PIL have told her to grow up and stop being so ridiculous many, many times. As has her now husband, who is lovely and who we have a good relationship with.

She’d met dh previous girlfriend once, briefly, when they bumped into her. His parents had never met her, they were just seeing each other, it was 5 months when Dh was 25, not serious at all.

According to MIL, it was all very childish afterwards, with declarations of “you’ll always be a part of my kids lives!” on social media (her children were toddlers at the time and had never met Dh girlfriend). MIL tried her best to shut it all down at the time, telling her she was being ridiculous.

Dh hasn’t really had a relationship with her since as she was so awful about me. They’ve only really said hello at a couple of family funerals. We also lived 300 miles away from dh family until a few years ago when we moved to the area they are from.

Long story short, it’s my lovely father in law’s 80th birthday next week and all he wanted was to go away for a few days to a holiday cottage with all his family.

SIL will not go if I, the homewrecking scumbag is going.

I have offered not to go. I love my parents in law dearly, and dh can take the children. PIL won’t hear of me not being there. But SIL won’t listen.

I know she has issues of her own as just be before I met dh, her husband cheated on her with her friend and left her with two small children. I get it, I really do. Dh has tried to reason with her that seeing someone for a few months and breaking it off as soon as you’ve met someone else is in no way comparable to your husband having an affair and leaving you.

I just can’t believe something so stupid has ruined their family relationship for the last 16 years!

Hmm either she is completely unhinged or there's much more to this story that you (and probably ILs) don't know about.

She is mad - to say that he should have stayed with his ex even though he obviously knew it had no future once he met you is ridiculous. You can’t stay in romantic relationships with people out of obligation, and like you’ve said, it all sounds very above board and respectful the way you both handled breaking up with your partners at the time. She needs help, her rationale doesn’t hold up whatsoever! You should just go, respect your PIL wishes and hope she sees sense, even though that seems unlikely after all this time.

There really isn’t.

I met dh friends quite quickly (he was in the band playing at the gig, I was the promoter for the venue!)

He wasn’t lying about the length of relationship or anything. She’d been to a few gigs in the months he was seeing her, his bandmates had met her briefly during those, they knew how long he’d been with her. There were very open conversations about his sister/the situation. No one was lying about anything.

It really was how it played out. He was seeing someone for a few months, met me one night and decided he wanted to see me, so broke it off.

He said it wasn’t a serious relationship at all. It was just someone he was seeing - ditto the guy I was dating. I knew that wasn’t going to be long term.

I wouldn't go. Your FiL is letting hope triumph over experience and is going to be upset and disappointed when the inevitable happens again. I really think your PiL need to face the fact that their daughter is making the sort of family life they want impossible, and deal with her, not expect the decent not difficult family members to tolerate her for their sake.

you're a better person than I am, I wouldn't be giving a fuck about her if she'd behaved like that at my wedding! She sounds like an utter loon, particularly telling the ex she'd always be in her children's lives when she hadn't even met them yet! I'm assuming the ex hasn't taken her up on her kind offer to keep in touch with a family she had never met? She probably thinks she's had a lucky escape!

You aren't taking away a last holiday with her dad from her, SHE is the one ruining everything. Your PIL's clearly want you there or they wouldn't have invited you in the first place and then insisted when you tried to refuse.

Wow. What a silly cow. She really needs to grow up.

My ex cheated on me extensively and I can't abide cheating, but what you describe wasn't cheating.

Your Sil has some serious issues if this is as you've described it.

I would feel the same OP.

It is easy to argue why you should be allowed to go - and of course you should. But I think in this circumstance if she has said she will only go if you don't, I would step down.

TBH though, I don't get very intimidated by that sort of thing. Some people on here will be full of the " but why shouldn't op go" attitude, but to me that comes from letting it get to you. For me, I would know it was her issue, I would know everyone else knew it was her issue and so it really wouldn't get me too keyed up. You sound similar, in which case, just do something nice that weekend and give her the chance to go. You create more opportunity for her to spend the time with her Dad, and you don't run the risk of feeling guilty if she doesn't and he passes soon. She won't be able to level it at you that you stopped her going - which she probably is already subconsciously planning!

OP she is a selfish, childish attention seeker who is hellbent on upsetting her parents - one being her father who is ill. She is a spiteful woman who thrives on chaos and everyone can see right through her act. She believes her made up feelings are more important than the wellbeing of her family. That is criminal. It’s got nothing to do with you or your husband and her fictional, made up contempt for the cheating situation that never happened. She’s just a dreadful person who doesn’t have the bottle to admit that’s who she is, so she hides behind this shameful and pathetic excuse.

This isn’t about you, it’s about her. She can’t let go of her past and she can’t stand that her brother is happy and she’s bitter and twisted. She needs to be ignored and get some therapy. Absolute disgraceful sap of a woman.

All this pain, grief and heartache she’s purposely causing everyone but you’re the one that is immoral? It’s frankly embarrassing behaviour from a grown woman. Do not let her spoil the holiday. If she doesn’t go on the last holiday with her father then that’s absolutely her own choice and wilful doing.

I’m surprised PIL haven’t cut her off at this point. It sounds like she has ruined their entire family over something that was never her business in the first place.

The sister is beyond ridiculous as dating someone for a few months and then breaking it off is perfectly normal.

I think her husband needs to be told there was no cheating. He’s a nice chap who’s trying to avoid conflict, but there is no issue to avoid.
There was no cheating.
There was no overlap.

She needs to know this isn’t a ‘mountain out of a molehill’ situation. She’s not occupying the moral high ground. She’s waging an imaginary war. There was no molehill.

Were you brother and sister close as children?

She is a CF, sorry.

Guarantee that if she goes, she will spoil it.

It wont be the weekend your FIL deserves unless she accepts her brother (and you) did nothing wrong.

For what it’s worth, I talked it through with dh when I said I wouldn’t go.

At first he was the same - no, you are my family, you are coming.

But then I explained and asked him to remember how wretched I felt when my dad died. All the stupid regrets I had and that I didn’t want someone else, even twatty sil.

He gets it but is still firmly in the “she’s ridiculous, sod her” camp. But ultimately it’s up to me if I stay away or not.

I’ll speak to MIL tomorrow when I see her.

I wish someone would ask her what she would like to be done so she can move past this. I suspect it would be something mad, like break up with you.

She's invested 16 years of her life in her belief. It'll take something pretty radical to break her from this delusion.

If its any consolation OP, she sounds like a very difficult character and if it wasn't you she had a beef with, she'd have a beef about something else. You can't blame yourself.
She's had the opportunity to go, and is in an attention seeking huff about it.
The PILs probably find you and your DH much easier to deal with. If SIL does turn up and im guessing she will... she will cause a drama and the PILs know it.

She's probably hoping you don't go, then in her silly mind, she will have won.

What does your DH want to do.?

Your dh did exactly the right thing he ended the relationship as he liked someone else a bit. He could have dated both for a few weeks to check he liked you as much as he thought but that would not be fair on ex.

Sil is outrageous. It was lovely of you to offer not to go, but pil have said they want you there so I would take them at their word. A chat with mil tomorrow will hopefully give you opportunity to genuinely offer not to go reassuring her you dont mind would be good but I suspect they have to invite their dd but will prefer a drama free break if she turns it down.

Yes, you might as well go, as even if you don't she will ruin it with her sour face re her brother.
May be just one last email ?
“Your brother & I cheated on no-one. I am not a scarlet woman, we fell in love.
It had no bearing on on your personal situation at the time.
Please bury the axe
Please come to this family week end. It is for your Dad.

Ish. She’s 7 years older than dh so she was quite protective over him.

He wasn't married and there were no kids, and they weren't living together, so SIL is being batshit on her brother.

None of which is anything of your doing.

By her rules we get one partner at 16 and get stuck together for life

I think that you should go.

The nut job cannot be allowed to dictate things. If you don’t go, what’s stopping her from telling you that can’t attend future family events?

You see some crazy stories on here but this is one of the craziest. She's literally ruined her relationship with her family for years over this complete non-event.

Could you go for half of the holiday time each? Is that a feasible solution?