I’m still the scarlet woman after 16 years.

[Bilbosnaggins]

I met dh 16 years ago when I was 30. He was 25 and had a girlfriend of 4/5 months at the time.

I met him on a Friday night at a gig, we chatted for a few hours. We swapped numbers. The next day, we arranged to meet again on the Monday. He finished things with the girlfriend the day after we met at the gig, telling her that he’d met someone else the night before and that he wanted to finish their relationship, which they did.

I had no clue about any of this, until we met up on the Monday and now dh told me that he had been briefly been seeing someone else, but that he’d ended things with her the day after we met. For what it’s worth, I’d also been dating someone for a couple of months, I broke that off too.

His sister did not take it well and 16 years and two children later, she still won’t be in the same room as me. She will literally up and leave her parents house when I walk in. Dh has had it out with her a few times over the years, but she just says he’s a cheater and he’s a bad as me. PIL have told her to grow up and stop being so ridiculous many, many times. As has her now husband, who is lovely and who we have a good relationship with.

She’d met dh previous girlfriend once, briefly, when they bumped into her. His parents had never met her, they were just seeing each other, it was 5 months when Dh was 25, not serious at all.

According to MIL, it was all very childish afterwards, with declarations of “you’ll always be a part of my kids lives!” on social media (her children were toddlers at the time and had never met Dh girlfriend). MIL tried her best to shut it all down at the time, telling her she was being ridiculous.

Dh hasn’t really had a relationship with her since as she was so awful about me. They’ve only really said hello at a couple of family funerals. We also lived 300 miles away from dh family until a few years ago when we moved to the area they are from.

Long story short, it’s my lovely father in law’s 80th birthday next week and all he wanted was to go away for a few days to a holiday cottage with all his family.

SIL will not go if I, the homewrecking scumbag is going.

I have offered not to go. I love my parents in law dearly, and dh can take the children. PIL won’t hear of me not being there. But SIL won’t listen.

I know she has issues of her own as just be before I met dh, her husband cheated on her with her friend and left her with two small children. I get it, I really do. Dh has tried to reason with her that seeing someone for a few months and breaking it off as soon as you’ve met someone else is in no way comparable to your husband having an affair and leaving you.

I just can’t believe something so stupid has ruined their family relationship for the last 16 years!

She said he shouldn’t have broken it off, that it was the wrong thing to do. He should have stayed with her and not perused things with me

Is this because SIL liked the ex-girlfriend specifically/ thought she was "the one" for DH?

Or does she just generally think that once someone's started going out with someone... they should never ever break up? That's absolutely bonkers, and kind of implies that asking somebody out for a drink carries the same level of commitment as marrying them!

Hi Op. I have sympathy with your situation as have had experience more with neighbours rather than relatives. One thing is for sure is that you find out who your real friends and or relatives.

I think a lot of the time the so called facts are nothing more than a load of gossip and twaddle and it is up battle to try to convince people otherwise.

Have tried to deal with this head with one particular person who formed a division 7 years or so ago and was cuffed with speak to someone else not me.

At the end of the day people can be very small minded and you either have to accept this or simply move, difficult as it is and ignore them.

did you mean to put this on this thread?

Update if anyone wants to know:

I went to pick up MIL for an appointment this morning, and arrived early so I could speak to them both.

I am not going on the trip.

I explained everything to them, they supported me through my fathers illness and death so they know exactly where I am coming from.

They both said they wanted me to come and SIL would have to just accept that I am their family too and she had to stop being so stupid.

But I told them no. MIL hasn’t been well (although, thankfully much better now, just waiting for her at her final physio appointment), and FIL does not need anymore stress at his age. I don’t want them to open up a can of worms with her before they go away and create more stress for themselves.

They are going to a place that has meant a lot to them over the years and I want them to have both their children there with them. I don’t want SIL to throw her toys out the pram and refuse to go if I am. I won’t do that to PIL.

Dh will take the children and the dog (FIL adores our dog!) and I’ll stay at home. It’s only for 5 days, I really don’t mind.

And no, it’s not possible to go for part of the time. We only have one car which dh will be taking, and it’s an expensive and time consuming train journey to get there.

Dh won’t have much time for any of her bullshit anyway. He’ll have the children and the dog to run around after. Her husband is going, so hopefully, he might have a word if she’s miserable.

I just didn’t want it on my conscience that she missed out on this trip with FIL, what ever her batshit reasoning.

I told dh last night that I’d made the decision not to go and he understands. He’s pissed off at his sister, but he gets my point about FIL wanting them both there for this trip. He’s not as childish as her, he won’t engage in any of her tantrums, if she throws them, so if she does create an atmosphere, that’s all down to her.

She met her once. And that was when they literally bumped into her in the street and dh said it was probably less than two minutes!

I asked him again last night, he said he introduced them and that was pretty much it! She’s one of those people who had to be friends on Facebook with everyone she ever meets, so she managed to track her down after that - dh said the girlfriend found it a bit odd and asked him why his sister was messaging her and she never responded to her.

Dh would also like me to stop using the word “girlfriend” to describe her - he said it was just a casual relationship and that they probably only saw each other once every couple of weeks over about 4 or 5 months, and they never spoke about being exclusive or in a relationship. She was travelling the world and was in the UK working for one year. She made it clear she wasn’t looking for a relationship anyway.

When he met me, he called her and said he’d met someone and she said, “that’s lovely, best of luck” and that was that, no contact from that conversation onwards.

God knows what she thought about being tagged in Facebook posts a couple of days later with some woman she’d met for two minutes giving it Eastenders about her children! I can only imagine that she unfriended her pretty swiftly! (Dh wasn’t on Facebook, so he wouldn’t have known).

She did know about me pretty much right away as Dh told his mum about me after we had met, so that’s how SIL found out and went bonkers on Facebook.

So it wasn’t the love affair of the century that I came in and broke up!

SIL probably does need some sort of counselling, but that really isn’t my place. And yes, she’s definitely projecting her dh cheating on to Dh - her husband left her only a short while before me and Dh met.

Bravo OP.

This was the mature and considerate response to your ILs and, in the long run, I think will be by far the best course for you too.

You see far too many threads on here where posters feel "strength" is standing their ground over every last inch and going head to head with everyone - and then wonder why their personal lives are utter chaos.

I ma sure in the calm way you have handled this, you have in fact strengthened your relationship with your DH and ILs.

'Have a lovely, self-indulgent five days.

Plan some nice things to do while your family are away. Then you'll all have a nice time and pleasant stories to exchange when they're back.

I have an off licence at the end of the road, and an M&S food a short bus ride away.

No dog to walk and no children bickering. I’m going to be just fine and dandy!

I have a similar story to you op. When I met DH he had a girlfriend and I was seeing someone. We chatted, he wanted to see me that weekend, we both agreed that we needed to finish with our respective partners first and so we did. Then we went out a few days later. I don't consider any of that cheating and we have been together over a quarter of a century. None of his family or friends have ever given me a hard time, nor would he tolerate it. There must be something else going on. Was she in love with his ex?

What an incredibly mature response from you op.

Sil isnt worth the drama so i hope you enjoy all the M&S treats without being asked to share aha !

I admire your response, OP. You are clearly the bigger person in this situation and I hope your SIL feels wholeheartedly ashamed of herself.

I hope you have a lovely week with the house to yourself!

OP, you are a really good person.

sIL bonkers, but I fully get why you feel not going is the option.

Sounds like a very sensible decision op and no misunderstanding as PIL know where you are coming from.

OP you are lovely, kind and thoughtful.
Enjoy your 5 days.. go walks, eat good food, book something special.. a facial, go to movies, read books, sleep..

She reacted irrationally in the start because of her own marriage breakdown which was likely very traumatic for her. Understandable if it was short lived.

Unfortunately she didn't reflect on her reaction and apologise but instead doubled down. That was incredibly immature and the longer she continued, the stupider she looked and the more poor behaviour there was to be ashamed of.

She will never back down now as the blow to her ego will be so severe. She would have to accept how ridiculous she has been and she won't want to do that.

Thing is, I don’t care about apologies or anything like that. Life is too short.

I just wish she could act normal or pretend to act normal. I don’t care what she thinks actually about me.

We have such a lovely family, it would be amazing if she could just join us. At the moment it’s so split, we have a relationship with PIL and her and her husband have a separate one.

There is just no need for it all to be like this.

My god she is so childishly pathetic! The ex probably doesn't even remember him as they were just casually dating I know I couldn't name all my casual flings 😆

Her pride would risk being hurt. It’s only over a small thing but she’s turned it personally against you. And your DH. Doesn’t help you don’t both live nearer to each other. This might sound totally nuts but next time DH and kids go to see her and her family could you secretly come along but they (her DH) bring her to a Costa/star-bucks both of you (women) are left alone so you can chat. Or would she sit there and hiss like an MN viper or walk out or shout?

She sounds similar to verbal drama queens I’ve seen on FB.

I despair of grudges like this, it would be very different if it was over something serious like an inheritance but this non event and her making it personal is neither mature nor sane. She really can’t have much going on in her life and maybe has other issues in her life she should address.

What a great response from you! Your DH and your parents in law are so lucky that you have such a mature head on your shoulders and can see the bigger picture.
Your SIL's behaviour literally makes no sense especially as she has moved on from the man who cheated on her and now has a different husband - she's not even a Miss Haversham type!

I feel sorry for her husband actually being innocently caught in the middle of it all and wonder what impact her behaviour is having on their relationship. What a silly woman she is.

But the thing here is that she “does” care. And it’s affecting the family relationship. It’s great you don’t care. I hope she doesn’t badmouth you in front of your children.

Even my nasty uncle by marriage to my auntie we still saw (when we were all still speaking) and sort of got on. But we lived closer then.

We do live near to each other now. We used to live 300 miles away, but moved to dh hometown a few years ago. SIL only lives a couple of miles away now, it’s such a shame.

Shes been at MILs house a few times when we have popped over and she will just walk out the house without saying a word.

@Bilbosnaggins
I'd split the holiday
Talk to the PILs.

You and your Dh go for days 1-3 and SIL goes for days 4-7
Or vice versa

Ultimately even if just dh and kids go it'll be grim... its also not cool to expose the kids to this.

Alternatively if that wont work i would pay for a break with pil and sil - it clearly means a.lot to you. Sil doesnt need to know

Can you go for the last couple of days? She would have enjoyed most of the holiday and you wouldn’t miss out entirely. Most importantly FIL will have had both of you on the holiday

The elephant in the room is going to be your PIL's funerals. Your DH needs to tell her straight while they are alive, or potentially you can't be around him while he makes arrangements etc. Your children are going to want you there.

Oh wow, that woman has some serious issues.
I cannot even understand her point of view on things. She sounds an absolute 'treat' 😂.

Have to admire her dedication though, hanging on to something completely fabricated in her mind for all that time. Her commitment to the narrative is astounding.